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 Posted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 7:36 am
I've been wanting 2 post a few of my poems on here and c if anyone had any feedback for me Lol so here's one 2 start xd It was intended to be a play on Alice in Wonderland
Tick tock
tick tock
your running out of time my dear.
Tick tock
tick tock
your end is quickly drawing near.
Beneath the surface
a monster dwells.
A fiery beast from the pits of hell.
That all who have seen do not live to tell....
Tock tick
tock tick
You better find a way out quick.
Within this world there is a door
concealed by ghouls and heinous gore.
The bodies of those who were here before.....
You see...
The lush green forests draw you in
deep inside this world of sin.
With flowers beautiful and tall
to hide the horror of it all
Tock tick
tick tock
rush for your life against the clock
run faster and faster
don’t lose your pace!
...Though it hardly matters in this race.
The monster is ruler of this place
and it will be he that decides your fate ....
Tock tock
tick tick
You’re out of time
and I have to split.
I dare not look upon his face
or my life he will erase
"Good luck young one".
And he disappeared
with a grin that stretched from ear to ear.
You hear a roar and look around
a frightening terrifying sound.
A scaly creature rears its head
its big black eyes fill you with dread.
The giant creature draws aback
to end your life with one attack.
Just as it seems all hope is gone
by the hands of evil spawn
Your name.....
It's calling in your mind
saying that you still have time!
Get up get up!
or you’ll be late!
It’s 7:30!
School’s at 8 wink
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Posted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 8:01 am
Hey hun, thats really cool, you have a story you have flow, and you have nice descriptors.
If you are looking for constructive critism, then the main thing I would point out is the changes in pace, they dont always flow, which means you need to double take sometimes and such. My advice would be to find a pattern and go with it.
It doesnt need to be
a
b
a
b
or even
a
a
b
b
it can be like
a
a
b
cc
d
a
a
b
etc.
But just for readbility...pace needs to fit a common note.
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Posted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:25 am
Ah I know I have a tendency 2 stay away from my pacing sometimes when i write sweatdrop I usually just go with how i think it flows when its read. But thanks for the feedback biggrin
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Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 10:44 am
I like it 3nodding
The whole Alice feel was there Oddly, I started reading the poem before the description at the top and I thought that before I realized you said it xd
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GoldDiggingWhore Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:35 pm
thanks biggrin and thats good that means i got my point across lol
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Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 8:26 pm
I'm liking it smile Keep up the good work
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