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 Posted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:53 pm
Preface
He stood next to his horse, the black stallion staring into the house. He rested a hand on its neck, holding the item carefully in his other arm. This would be the only thing to remind him of this night.
“Are you ready,” asked the sudden voice.
He turned, seeing the older vampyr. In his arms was a child.
“…I could take him to Lake Grensha. To the village. He’d be safe there,” Blake said, trying to reason.
“I’m afraid you cannot do that. They’d find him there. Leaving him in this world is the only way to protect him. He is the only heir to the lineage, and must be protected at all costs. You of all people know that,” Vladimir said, holding the child out.
The boy was asleep, but his resemblance to his mother was unmistakable. His soft brown hair and soft pink lips were identical to his mother's. His eyes, were they to be open, would be Selene’s soft blue as well. In time, his resemblances to Blake would make themselves clear.
"...How do we know they won't give him to an orphanage," Blake asked, ignoring the slightly annoyed look on Vladimir's face.
"I personally have spoken to them, and they have agreed to care for your son. You have to trust me, Blake. Protecting Christopher--" Vladimir began.
"Is the main priority. I know. I just wish....If I had been there to protect Selene....This would never have to be," he said.
"This is not your fault. The ones who are to blame are the Stigra," Vladimir stated angrily.
Sadly, and feeling slightly threatened by Vladimir's tone, Blake took his son and approached the house. This would be a good place for the boy. This was, after all, a house of vampyrs who lived in the human world. He wouldn’t be cut off from Foresia completely.
At the door, he stopped and looked at his son. His eyes were opened, and he was looking at his father with a confused yet somewhat pleading gaze.
“I’m sorry, my son. I must protect you. And, if giving you to a new family is what must be done….Then I shall do so,” Blake spoke softly as he held the boy close, “You will always be Christopher Blake Lorens the Second, my boy. Remember that.”
He set the child in a basket, and covered him so he wouldn’t get sick. Blake then stood and rang the doorbell. The sounds of annoyed people filled the house, and he quickly returned to the horse. He mounted it, and hid in the shadows.
The scene was saddening, and even the horse seemed to feel it's emotional pull. He watched as his son was taken into the arms of another family--another father. It tore Blake to pieces, but he knew there was no other way. He urged the stallion to gallop away, and could feel his son’s sad gaze melt into his back.
“There was no other way. Forgive me, Christopher,” he cried as he opened the portal to Foresia.
((editted by Ivory Pharos))
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Posted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 10:10 pm
My suggestions:
-"He stood next to his horse, the black stallion staring into the house. He rests a hand on its neck, holding the item carefully in his other arm." "Rested," to make it all a consistent tense.
-"Vampire," not "vampyr."
-"His soft brown hair and soft pink lips." is not a complete sentence. You can use "and" to connect it to the sentence after, or you can write something else to end it.
-"The scene was saddening." Show us it is sad, do not flat-out state it.
Overall, it feels lacking. It is a good start, but you need to build more on it. For one, are Blake and his father vampires? I think this needs to be made a bit clearer. Also, the situation itself feels rushed. This is the last time the father is going to see his son. This would be a good time to explore the pains and emotions the father is going through as he realizes that he is going to have to give up Blake, and come to accept it.
While I understand the situation itself is probably being kept secret for the sake of the plot, it would be nice to have a few more details. Why is it so vital that Blake stay here? What danger is there? Is someone after them? Are Blake's vampires being hunted? I do not get the feeling of immediate danger.
Also, why is Blake's father convinced he will be safe here? Sure, they are other vampires, but that means squat. Not all humans are going to take in a doorstop baby---what guarantee is there that this vampire family will not either abandon him or put him in the equivalent of a vampire orphanage?
To use a published example, Harry Potter had Dumbledore explain that Harry being left at the Dursleys was due to them being his only family---and we later learned it was part of a protective charm to keep him safe from Voldemort. And he and McGonagall watched to make sure Harry was taken in. I do not get the feeling of "guarantee," so to speak, that Blake will be taken in and taken care of.
Some things for you to think about and work on.
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Posted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 10:24 pm
Actually, I meant to spell it "vampyr". I'm trying to be different. Things will be spelled differently in my novels. And, I'll make those corrections soon. It was three in the morning, so I wasn't really thinking. Also, the mystery behind Chris and his inheritage will be revealed throughout the series. But, yeah. I could make things a bit more clearer. Oh, and Blake is the father, Christopher is the son, and Vladimir is going to be huge person in Chris's life through the series. Thanks for the opinions, though. I appreciate them. biggrin
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Posted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 10:52 pm
Just note that using a different spelling is possibly going to turn off some readers of your audience. Personally, unless I know the author, I cannot take "unique" spellings seriously unless it is played for laughs (it was done hilariously in You Suck, where a vampire-wannabe who was a parody of Goth stereotype had a journal where she tried to be "edgy." She is one of those "annoying in an endearing way" kind of characters).
And sorry about the mix-up; I am usually more thorough about keeping characters straight. >>
I figured the mystery would be revealed later; I just want more sense of immediate danger and to better know the characters a bit.
And you are most welcome.
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Posted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 11:02 pm
If reader's don't read a book just because of unique spelling, then they're the stupidest people ever. Unique spelling is the one thing that should catch their attention, not make them ignore the book. Plus....I've always spelt it like that. Ever since I was a kid. So, dropping the habit will take a lifetime.
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Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:40 am
Ivory Pharos If reade r's don't read a book just because of unique spelling, then they're the stupidest people ever. That is one possessive reader; you might want to watch out for him. Also, thank you for calling me stupid, I appreciated that. It will catch their attention---in the entirely wrong way. Take it from someone who has a "unique" spelling of a not-common-to-begin-with name in real life, and loathes how her best friend christened her baby with a "unique" spelling of a common name that looks like garbage and is bound to warrant unwanted attention in school later in life. This same concept applies to books: it will bring attention, and your audience will not think you are "unique." They will think you are relying on a gimmick to be "original." It is one thing to give a character's name a unique spelling (provided it is reasonable and not to ridiculous extremes like "Ma'kenz'hee" or "L-a" [pronounced "Ladasha"---this is a real example]). It is another thing entirely to change the spelling of common words. The only exception I could think of is a time and place thing, for example, "vampyre" being used in a story that deliberately mimics old English. I do not like reading through badly-spelled fanfiction, comments, blogs, texts, and other non-professional material. Why would I want it in something meant to be professional? I am not the only one who has read a book, noticed a spelling/grammar error, and wondered why someone did not catch it. Things like that can and do take the reader out of the story---the exact opposite reaction of what you want. The fact that you "always spelled it like that" does not automatically make it correct, nor will it excuse your preferred spelling. It is better to hear it from me now than from a publisher later---and most of them are harsher than I am. I am not kidding. There are some who look for the first spelling error and trash the manuscript based on that alone before moving to the next one, because they think the author did not have the decency to use spell check. Employers do the same thing. Think about it: you have hundreds, if not thousands of resumes/manuscripts/books to go through. You want to get through them as quickly as possible, and need an efficient way of eliminating them. You may not like it, but spelling/grammatical errors are often one of the first justifications for tossing a manuscript/resume, especially on the first page. Since they already have it in their minds that a spell checker was not bothered with, they have no qualms about not finishing and tossing it. You can have the best story in the world, and it will not mean a damn thing. Also, it will not "take a lifetime" to break the habit. You can change it! You can do it right now! How, you ask? Start writing it correctly. Right now. Do it constantly, and make it a new habit. Then again, if you do not intend to publish, you can feel free to ignore this. I am only telling you now what you will be told later.
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Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 5:58 am
I have a solution to the spelling problem.
Maybe, instead of everyone using the term 'Vampyr', that's the way the vampires refer to themselves (because if it comes from old english, which I know nothing about, really, then vampires themselves wouldn't be acting strange), and humans refer to vampires in the modern spelling.
I think this would have to be explained in some way durring your story, however, because it might be a bit confusing at first.
Also, I think some explination is due anyway, because it did take away from the story a bit when I came across the word vampyr. When I read it I didn't automatically pronounce it the same way as vampire. This really isn't a HUGE problem, as I've come across such things before in published works, but you should know that there is a chance that without explination it will confuse your readers.
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Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:34 am
Fine. I'll ignore my true skill and snoop to Stephanie Meyer's level of writing. Thank you so much.
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Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:15 pm
Mmm, didn't like my idea then, I take it?
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Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 3:32 pm
Ivory Pharos Fine. I'll ignore my true skill and snoop to Stephanie Meyer's level of writing. Thank you so much. So, spelling a word correctly is stooping down to Meyer's level, now? I thought that was overuse of purple prose and not being able to write a good plot. But clearly, you know everything there is to know about writing, and I am simply wasting my time trying to help you. I am done here.
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Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:46 pm
I admire her originally--minus the no fangs. I'm not saying "stoop" as a bad thing. She's an amazing author. I'm just saying, there are a ton of authors who spell things differently. For instance, P.C. and Kristen Cast's House of Night series. They spell it "vampyre", and not "vampire". And, they have a ton fans. But, if I have to, I'll oblige by the readers' wishes, and spell it correctly.
Also, it was meant to be readers, not reader's. Oh, and sorry for calling you, and anyone else, stupid. And, I do like the idea, it'll just be confusing to me.
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Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:15 pm
Well, I thought it turned out okay. I was intrigued, which is whats really important since its not polished yet.
See, I don't know if I'd actually read the whole thing, but thats purely because I am sick of all vampire books in any way, size, shape, or form. This includes things like House of Night, Vampire Academy, Vampire Knight, etc.
So, the fact that your story is so obviously about vampires and still caught my brief attention is good.
My suggestion is just to extend the scene. Its obviously really important, and you want it to give your reader that somber, sorrowful feeling. The longer a piece is, the stronger feeling it will create.
(I'm not going to mention anything about your spelling of vampire, because I honestly don't care.)
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