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 Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 3:06 pm
Chains & Thorns
here,in light broken by the cruel iron bars of fate,
i am trapped.
you,my love, are the gate keeper,
the grinning prison gaurd
that smiles upon me while i lay in chains.
your weapon is your words,
like a whip of thorns,
puncturing my heart and letting it bleed out
its sorrows and unshed tears.
each thorn leaves its mark,
each scar a reminder of a battle i have lost.
i am your prisoner.
my chains are the memories we've shared
and emotions i once cherished
but your love is now a curse.
but as you grasp my heart within your whip,
and tear it until it is as scarred as yours,
i hope you see the salty river that runs down my face
so that its salt may sting your hearts open wounds,
so you feel my pain.
Yet,even here,in the grip of destiny,
your whip of thorns reminds me of a rose you once gave me,
something beautiful,like our love,that only remains
in our fading memories.
<>
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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:12 pm
A neat trick I learned for titling poems is to look at the third or fifth line down or the third or fifth line up from the bottom, and pick a word or phrase. This doesn't always work, but it can be quite helpful.
Personally, for this, I would have titled it "Thorns" since they seem to be a major theme here. And, hey, it's actually a word in the third line up from the bottom. So. That's cool.
By the way, I like your imagery in this one better than in the angel poem. It could still use some tightening and fleshing out, but I like the idea of thorns, especially when you bring in the rose later in the poem--I think you could utilize that comparison even more 'cause it's a pretty good one. ^^
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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:29 pm
Just thought I'd go through the grammar again, though--as with the last--there aren't very many mistakes. There were some space issues, but I couldn't tell if they were on purpose or not, so I just kinda ignored them.
Oh, and don't let the huge amount of red scare you--most of that is just suggestion and/or comments. :3unseen shadow moon here,in light broken by the cruel iron bars of fate, [So, no mistake here, but I just wanted to say I really like these first two lines.]i am trapped. you,my love, are the gate keeper, the grinning prison gaurd ,that smiles upon me while i lay in chains. [I almost want the chains to be thorns as well, but I'm not sure if that would play out correctly.]your weapon is your words, like a whip of thorns , [Just a suggestion, but I would consider removing the word "like" here--I think the comparison would be stronger as a metaphor.] puncturing my heart and letting it bleed out its sorrows and unshed tears. each thorn leaves its mark, each scar a reminder of a battle i have lost. i am your prisoner. my chains are the memories we've shared , [It would be cool if you could replace the term memories with some actual memories--like "my chains are the warmth of your hand in mine, the smiles we shared," etc.]and emotions i once cherished , [Same deal as the above--I kinda want to see representations of the emotions.]but your love is now a curse. but as you grasp my heart withinyour whip ,and tear it until it is as scarred as yours, i hope you see the salty river that runs down my face so that its salt may sting your hearts open wounds, so you feel my pain. Yet,even here,in the grip of destiny, [Why destiny?]your whip of thorns reminds me of a rose you once gave me, something beautiful,like our love,that only remains Personally, I think the rose should be the love itself. That way you can cut "something beautiful"--which I felt took away from the comparison--and it leaves you with "reminds me of a rose you gave me, our love that remains only in fading memories." I also removed some other words as well, but that's just me being a**l. Heh.]in our fading memories.
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Posted: Thu Aug 12, 2010 6:03 am
thanks for the comments and tips ^_^ i might rewrite the poem below and add more imagery and metaphors.^_^ o ya and the destiny thing, i'm not sure, i think it was meant to be as if no matter how much they tried to make their love work it would always end up hurting them both.^_^ o and the rose at the end,it was supposed to be like a <> im not sure a gift and as it withered and died so did their love
here,in light broken by the cruel iron bars of fate,
i am trapped.
you,my love, are the gate keeper,
the grinning prison gaurd
that smiles upon me while i lay in chains.
your weapon is your words,
a whip of thorns,
puncturing my heart and letting it bleed out
its sorrows and unshed tears.
each thorn leaves its mark,
each scar a reminder of a battle i have lost.
i am your prisoner.
my chains are every passionate kiss,
every touch of your soft skin on mine,
every moment we've shared
and the happyness and boundless love and joy we once cherished,
but your love is now a curse.
but as you grasp my heart within your whip
and tear it until it is as scarred as yours,
i hope you see the salty river that runs down my face
so that its salt may sting your hearts open wounds,
so you feel my pain.
Yet,even here,in the grip of destiny,
your whip of thorns reminds me of a rose you once gave me,
something beautiful,like our love,that only remains
in our fading memories.
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Posted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 3:41 pm
oh ya i forgot to say that the antibella helped me by giving me the inspiration for this new poem, thanks again ^_^
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Posted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 1:39 am
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