Welcome to Gaia! ::

Well, here I am to vent again. But I need some release somewhere, somehow. I've just been shaken up today, and it's not for the first time, and I know it won't be for the last. I always want to say something, and I usually keep it in.

I'm letting it out now. I will not be defeated by fear. I refuse.

I have had several friends tell me all throughout my lifetime, and even people I've never met before, on the Internet, just talking on the side of the street, or whatever, and they are all hurting so deeply. I never know what to say to them because I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.

I can't be afraid any more, because there are literally lives out there which depend on my strength, whether they know it or not. Whether in a small way, or a large one.

People have told me about their hurts, about their childhood, about being abused, neglected, betrayed by the people in their lives who should have loved them. These people are scared and hurting, and every single one whom I have spoken to have told me things freely, no restraints, no candy-coating, about how they feel, and what thoughts they have sometimes entertained.

I was told by one person he would have killed someone who hurt a friend of his, but when he thought of me, he couldn't go through with it.

I knew a few students at school who committed suicide before the school year was over.

I have lived my entire life with peers who were physically or sexually abused, some even many, many times. I am even one of those.

I have been told by a friend that if it hadn't been for my friendship with her, she would have killed herself while she was in school. In fact, it has happened twice with two different people.

Over the past two or three years some people have confided in me that they are hurting so much that they feel as though they have to end it all. I have had family members even say the same thing.

Can you blame me if I'm terrified every time I hear this? Every time I see it written in someone's status on Gaia, or in an email, or when they speak to me in real life, can you blame me for being scared every time it happens?

I can't pick out who really means what they say and who doesn't. I don't know how many were serious or just looking for attention. I am not gifted with such intuition.

And if I say the wrong thing to people in such situations, I hope they understand that I am really, really sorry for it. I don't ever want to exacerbate the problem. I want to be the person you can talk to without fear. No restraints, no hesitation, no candy-coating, no nothing.

But it doesn't have to be me. It can be anyone who is trustworthy, someone who values you, your life, your opinions, your ideals. Someone who respects you. Someone who supports you. What I want everyone who reads this and is hurting to understand there are answers, and there is a peaceful way out. You just have to seek those answers out, and don't give up until you find them. They are there. They really are there for you.