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 Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 4:56 pm
yea...not much to say.
songbird, songbird
fly away
the earth is going to die today
songbird, songbird
go and play
while the rest of us decay
listen, listen
to the wind blow
wondering where to go
undetermined destiny
that's all that awaits you and me
songbird, songbird
fly away
the earth is going to die today
songbird, songbird
go and play
while the rest of us decay
sitting on the window sill
watching everyone kill
overwhelming savagery
has overcome all but you and me
songbird, songbird
fly away
the earth is going to die today
songbird, songbird
go and play
while the rest of us decay
walk away hand in hand
across the bloodstained land
undetermined destiny
that's all that awaits you and me
songbird, songbird
fly away
the earth is going to die today
songbird, songbird
go and play
while the rest of us decay
listen, listen
to the songbird sing
of life and death and everything
walk away hand in hand
across the bloodstained land
undetermined destiny
that's all that awaits you and me
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Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 5:17 pm
I think you have an interesting concept here. Couple of things though:
-in the chorus, the last line "while the rest of us decay" seems like it's missing a syllable
-I like some of the images but I don't think they're strong enough
What I think you could do is take your same idea and rewrite it a bit. I like the stanza work though. Maybe focus on different elements of how the world is going to die, or focus on some specific images of the world dying. If you like writing longer poems this could be fun!
Also, the chorus every other stanza creates a good rhythm and keeps bringing us back to the main theme, but I think it's a little too repetitive. Why don't you try after every two or three stanzas?
Remember you don't have to take my advice because it's just my opinion. You have a lot of potential so don't give up!
Happy writing.
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