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Reply The Library (Poetry Wing)
Crying Snowflakes

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Aylute

PostPosted: Sun Mar 07, 2010 8:41 pm


Pink warms the edges of the gray sky
bleak in the frozen winter night
The lights of the cars on the road
far far far below
blinding the edges of the trees
catching the fall
of tiny snowflakes
The fences of barbwire meeting wood
blackberry bushes
caressed in winter's tidings
small footprints temporarily engraved
And
Here I stand
Beneath a frozen sky
With snowflakes on my face


What do you think?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 9:15 am


Very good descriptions. I can really see it.

I'm a little lost on the title's reference to crying...I kept expecting your lost love to pop up and throw a snowball at me or something. If you're merely anthropomorphizing the weather, I'd suggest something less emotionally charged.

nbetweener

Aged Dabbler


Aylute

PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 1:23 pm


I kinda wanted to give the image that the snowflakes were my tears. Thanks for the feedback and sorry for the confusion. I guess poems are like that, but I'm definitely reconsidering the title.
PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 1:28 pm


I think that the title is good, but if you plan to keep it you should add something about the snowflakes melting and flowing down the face like tears.
Also, I think two 'far's would be enough.
As Mark Twain said, every time to want to write the word very, put 'damn' in it's place so your editor will take it out. It's the same idea in that extra words take away from the work rather than add to it.
Overall, I think you captured the imagery quite well, and wish it was longer. That might be something you should consider doing, extending this work because it's quite good and has lots of potential.

Doomsicle
Captain


WildOaths

Professional Phantom

PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 6:52 pm


Overall, I really liked the poem. To be honest, I like the title, but if the title has the metaphor of the snowflakes being your tears, then you need to let us in on the metaphor somewhere in the poem (which would help you to increase the poems length, if you so desire). (like booncj said)

I had a little trouble with the flow of the first half of the poem. I'm not sure what the problem was, but try playing around with your line breaks a bit and see if maybe there is someway to make the flow a bit smoother.

I really liked the last half of the poem, starting with the line about barbed wire. It flowed smoother, I think.

I agree about the far comment. Two would definitely have been enough, three just makes it a bit awkward.
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The Library (Poetry Wing)

 
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