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 Posted: Fri Jan 08, 2010 5:09 pm
Critical Peer Review
A place for advanced critique of role-play posts and personal writing
Hello, all BPLB members (or visitors), you've stumbled upon the Critical Peer Review thread, where users may post role-play posts that they have written, or other work, such as contest entries, and ask for advice from myself and fellow members on how to improve their writing or role-playing skills.
It's a simple concept. Take a role-play post or excerpt of yours, either one you feel needs serious improvement, or, conversely, one that demonstrates the extent of your skills- In other words, one of your finer posts, and submit it here for critique and direction on how it can be made better.
Submitting posts that you are very confident in, and being advised to change things about them, can be somewhat upsetting, but if you truly want to improve, you need to be confronted by what areas you may presently be lacking in.
All critiques offered here by users should be friendly, impartial, and polite. I will not hesitate to set straight anyone who comes in here and rudely bashes someone else's writing. I myself will strive to be the most sympathetic and motherly figure I possibly can be (Or...fatherly? That expresses the same general idea of parental affection, yeah? Anyway, whatev, I'll be really nice to you, is what I'm getting at. xD)
You may begin! Post away, please!
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Posted: Fri Jan 08, 2010 10:58 pm
 Skyy
The cunning fox. Skyy looked out into the shop from her own personal prision. She didn't belong here, and the collar on her neck itched as it pressed the fur on her thin neck down. She flicked her tail, annoyed with the place in the time she had spent here. This demon was no pet, and she laid her head on her paws after yawning. She wasn't sleepy, and a cunning look was in her eyes as she watched the humans look at her as if she were some toy. She did grow quietly, before closing her brown eyes slightly. Her snow white fur was a strong contrast to the metal cage she had to live in, something more fit for the dog she could see out of the corrner of her eye.Okay well the post is from a Role play where the girls are demons with collars that force them into animal forms, and well I guess the post speaks for its self. Link to orginal post
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Posted: Sat Jan 09, 2010 11:02 am
Very nice! :}
I liked the last line, mentioning the contrast between her coat and the cage was a nice touch.
However, in your first line you misspelled 'prison.' Just in order to prevent small errors like that, you should use spell check [if you're using Firefox, your browser has that option built in. I'm not sure about IE]
I'd also suggest adding a bit of length and description when you can. It seems this was an intro post, so I know it's sometimes difficult to put in more writing when you don't yet have anything to respond to, but it's something to keep in mind. Providing more for other players to digest and reply to can really help enhance a role-play.
Thanks very much for being our first participant in this thread. 8] I hope I can help.
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Posted: Sat Jan 09, 2010 9:26 pm
Heres a little something I posted a little while ago. This is the longest RP post I've ever made. This is a High School RP. Luna D_W I was here... Out of no where Lunesta came up behind Masako and Kagimitsu. She had never seen this girl before so it was safe to say that she was new, and she didn't know a lot about the school's inner workings.
"There you are!" she exclaimed.
Lunesta had saw Masako earlier as she was following her brother and his captive. Being nosy at this school is dangerous unless you knew how to go about it. She knew that Kagimitsu wouldn't harm the girl, but if she wanted to achieve something at this school her brother is one of the major say-so guy.
"Girl I can't believe you got lost looking for me," she said as she grabbed the Masako by the shoulders and gave her a big grin.
"I'm sorry for this, Brother." she said facing her brother. She didn't know him to well and hoped her honest looking face could hide her lies. "She was looking for me and since I told her you were my brother she might have thought that you knew where I was."
She turned to Masako and said, "Lets go friend! I'll show you the pest place to hang out at this school."
Lunesta quickly half way dragged the girl out of the building. When they were safely away she stopped. sad said to Masako, "I'm sorry for that. You look new and I didn't know if that was okay for a public viewing." And you were, too...
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2010 4:39 pm
Metalic_Noodles The setting of the thread is a mutant school. Two strangers are attacking and the students and teachers are attacking, but not the headmaster. My RPC just has a knowledge-based power but is just not seeing that this is a school for mutants, and has never saw herself as such. Thread linkOriginal Post linkPost:  Alisha's attention was now on the fire man. She crawled backwards a few times before stumbling to her feet. Her lips attempted to form the word what, but were unable to, nor did any sound emerge. She took another step back, hitting the fence. A glance around showed only the darkly dressed boy and the headmaster, who did not seem surprised, nor with any intent to assist. Could it be...? she thought before quickly turning back to the man on the bleachers. So many thoughts reeled through her mind but suddenly fell quiet. The cause was the boy. The darkly clothed boy was now rushing the man. Who does he think he is? What can he-- Wings had torn out of the boy's back. "Wha-what th-the --?" He was flying. Like that girl... She wasn't sure if this was a dream or if this means both were real. It is unlikely that one is imagined while the other is not unless one is a mirage. She shook her head, Those things are just in children's books, maybe I should stop reading past bedtime.The flames, they aren't being sustained by the metal, they can't be, so are they an illusion? To be that this whole thing would need to be a dream or illusion, I felt warmth on my neck. Her hand went back to her neck. So this must be a dream, or other type of illusion created by my mind with or without outside suggestion. This feels too real, as surreal that it seems and feels, to truely believe that I have a water power enough to have it. So... She watched the flames, there were three rows that were unstable, and fire over many more. That's it.She left her notepad and pencil, forgotten, and ran up the stands. Her route was predetermined but flexible, her eyes watching for changes in the fire and stands as she moved. She ignored the fire as she ran through, choosing her path carefully, then jumped over the weak and missing rows at a diagonal. The diagonal, while a further distance let me take the route with the least amount of a barrier while still jumping at the smallest missing or warped section. She had landed on her torso, scraping her left palm and bruising her right arm on the no longer cold bleachers. If the stands weren't so vertical her dress would have made it impossible. The pale colors were darkened but the flames didn't catch. Why would they if they are held there by an invisible force?Her breathing was harder, her heart rate up, I almost hope I don't remember this dream. Not like I remember much of any of them. She stayed for only a short moment before running at the man, timed just slightly off of the darkly dressed boy. Both of her hands were fisted. Raise right arm up for a punch or side hit, use left to cover, and try to put one foot in front of the man to trip him but not if my balance can't take it. Simple enough. As her right arm readied she felt something encase it. No such thing happened, but had this been a dream it would now be armored. All it was was imagination and too much reading. --------------------- So what do you think? I considered the idea of her being more concerned with the inaction and non-concern of the headmaster but I felt that first she should do something. Does it seem like a forced move? I also think the writing style is clunky, without flow. How could I fix this? I know I use pronouns a lot but I have trouble finding ways around that without first person or with still holding past tense. Thank you for making this. I didn't get many replies when I made a critique thread, but that was a while ago. [x] I'll post the others here, but not all at once, that would be insane. Or the thread could just be revived by a kind critic.
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Posted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:19 pm
Luna_D_WAwesome! Thanks for sharing your post. I like it, it's definitely showing that you have some strength as a role-player. However, there are a few things it would be helpful to address. I notice that you sometimes omit commas where they would be helpful. Your opening sentence, for instance, might appear more fluid if you were to write it: "Out of no where , Lunesta came up behind Masako and Kagimitsu."That brief pause can really make the difference. Another thing, you should be careful about what tense you're writing your posts in. Quote: Being nosy at this school is dangerous unless you knew how to go about it. You use 'is' and 'knew' in the same sentence, which makes it somewhat awkward to read. It would be better to commit to either present tense or past tense. :] Such as: Quote: "Being nosy at this school was dangerous unless you knew..." Or: Quote: "Being nosy at this school is dangerous unless you know..." I hope that helps! Keep working at it, you're on the right track. biggrin
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Posted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 6:18 pm
Metalic_Noodles
I hope to get to your post tonight, but I'm vurrry busy and it takes me some time to process these. I read through it though, and it looks good! I'll have a few tips to offer you in just a short time. :3
Thanks very much for your participation, and I'm glad you like the thread.
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Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:28 pm
Alright I think I know exactly what my problem is when writing: resolution. I never seem to finish what I start. Here are a few posts of Noah from "The Tavern" skaiano - Noah D. Jhonson - Meanwhile, some miles away from the Tavern;
The rain continued to pour on Noah as he dithered at the sight of the door in front of him. An excursion of this sort was not in the slightest way close to what Noah would call "desirable". Just arriving here (A miraculous event for a car like his) made him feel solicitous vertigo. He looked at his watch, refraining from admitting himself into the building set before him for as long as he can. The usual. And, following his usual routine reluctance of the place he started focusing on other things. His watch made a faint yet flawlessly timed tick. A street light hovering above flickered, making a buzzing sound as the light bulb died. The sound of rain bouncing off surfaces erratically littered Noah's surrounding as a mural of red and white illuminations flew about behind him, the lights of car traffic venturing back and forth. Noah stood staring unwillingly, he was vexed, tired, and drenched. But even so, he knew the inevitable. This hindrance of apprehension progressed for what felt like 20 minutes when finally shrugging in relinquishment, he paced forward.
He pushed his wet hair out of his eyes. He then spoke, reading the large sign on the side of the building, "Michael W.P. Archibald Mental Stability Institute". 'Subtle, and not hard to say at all.' Noah thought to himself as he drew closer to the swivel door entrance. He walked in slowly as if not to alarm anyone, though the building looked and felt rather barren. The only sign of life was a janitor with a mop and headphones, whistling the tune of "Invaders must die". Noah progressed, observing the rest of the building. It was a medium sized room, divided into marble and carpet flooring. A desk with a computer, lots of paper, and a fish tank sat still in the back right corner. Doors would have pretty much painted the perimeter if not for the stairwell in the center.
"Hey man, come on! My shift is almost over!" A voice in the background said. Noah looked around in bewilderment until realizing it was the janitor. The rather thin man's headphones were down, wrapped around his neck, you could still hear the drum and bass blasting out of each end.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Noah replied instantly.
The janitor shook his head and pointed at the ground with a grunt. Noah looked down, the mud his shoes collected outside found their way to the floor. Noah glanced at the ground, then janitor, then the ground, then the janitor again. The two just stared at each other, lost for words.
"Eh, whatever, I'll just clean it all on your way out." The janitor walked over to a nearby chair, placing his headphones on and grabbing a magazine. He sat down flipped the magazine open and sat back. "Come with me to the dance floor, you and me, cos that's what it's for..." The janitor sang out loud before whistling again.
Noah's glance remained on the janitor. Now even more puzzled than before. 'Damn, what I'll give to be as laid back as him.' He then looked ahead, let out a sigh and walked on. "Here I go on my descent to hell..." Noah mumbled to himself as he stepped onto the stairs.
Lots of words, it just feels really meaningless. The firs paragraph to be more exact. I imagine this post gives people a sort of "Okay?" expression. I was probably just uninspired (Or maybe 'over-inspired?') with this post. Moving on: skaiano - Noah D. Jhonson -
Noah knew the routine. Sit in the center of not one, not two, but three shrinks. All 'masters of human psychology'. But Noah knew as much as they did that it would be complete bullshit for anyone to claim that they are in complete control of their psyche, and the only thing these three were doing was confronting him with exposure to how life works, hoping they can somehow get some optimism out of the moaning wretch that was Noah.
"Afternoon Noah." Said a man in an expensive suit. He took a sip of from the mug he had in his hand as he sat down. He set the cup down on the arm rest of the chair as he brought a set of files close to his eyes, scanning them in the most uninspired way plausible. He shook his head. " Says here you've missed the last 5 appointments." He set the files down abruptly onto his lap, glaring at Noah. "You're driving us to your level of optimism."
Noah raised a brow and smirked. "Thanks doc. But we've already had this 'juvenile argument' on the phone. Now if you would please, just do your job and act like an ominous guru like the rest of your kind?"
The man just scratched his head, looking more exhausted than insulted.
"I see you've gotten tense Noah." Another voice found it's way to the room. Female this time. Noah flinched at the sound of it. He turned around as a lady walked in. Wearing a primrose t-shirt and jeans, she was the most peculiar of the three. As well as the one Noah showed the most resentment toward. She approached Noah at a steady pace, then rested her hand on his shoulder as she looked down on him. Poise of an angel, eyes of a demon. She tightened her grip. It was on a pressure point. "Maybe a massage would help?"
"Please, a massage from you would send a guy to the trauma center for weeks. Physical AND mental." Noah blurted out as he winced his arm, looking at the woman incredulously. "Why can't any of you just do your job and give me my happy pills?"
The lady chuckled. "Well, since you seem to have mastered how my job works, no doubt you know what the psychology of this little conflict will lead me to say, no?"
"No, what would that be?" Noah replied. <******** you." I like this one better than the first. I feel I got somewhere if anything. But still, I cut it off. I feel like there's something I should be focusing on, but ignoring for some reason. (I have the same problem with my RP project.) So...yeah.
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Posted: Thu Jan 21, 2010 12:28 am
The only thing I can really find wrong with my writing style is that I have a hard time switching up my sentence structure. It's always SHE this SHE that... I'm trying to get myself out of that obvious habit but other than that I don't really know how else I can improve. Feel free to nail me without mercy. X3 * * *
She'd found her way over to the side of the ship and sat down with her back against the rails. She wrapped her arms around her knees and sat there with her face buried in her knees. Everything was quiet, calm, serene... except for the demonic need inside of her that cried out for some sort of action. She wanted to pace, to run, to fight; She would run across the water to the mainland if she thought she had the strength to do so.
Maybe I should have stayed back there...
But what was drawing all of these people together anyway? All the power she felt drawing her to this ship... The urge to go to the mainland... surely they felt it? Of course, how could they not? But all this power around her was affecting her mind, she fidgeted with her fingers feeling the unrest inside of her. She needed to do something. If she didn't, she decided, she'd go absolutely crazy. She switched to a crosslegged position and withdrew the longer of her two swords inspecting the blade. She had neglected to take care of it for a while and it showed. She was going to get out a stone to sharpen it when she heard the soft, sad music of someone playing a lute.
She puffed her cheeks a little and sheathed her sword quickly. She couldn't sharpen her sword while someone was playing music. She sighed, and stared at the deck for a moment. Then a small smile lit upon her face. She jumped up and leaned over the rail a little bit and looked to one of the laterns along the side of the ship. She held out her hand to the lantern as if it were going to give her something. And it did. A little peice of flame flew into her hand leaving just enough to leave the lantern lit. She sat back down protecting the little flame from any wind that might carry it away. She made the flame slightly larger before tossing it between her hands, then splitting it into three and juggling it, then four, and five. Then catching all of them back into one, she made a little dragon out of the flame and let it go on its own way about the ship, scaring the daylights out of the sleepy crew.
She was managing to enjoy herself... even relaxing a little bit and laughing behind her hand. Maybe she could make it across the water without getting herself killed or thrown overboard. Just maybe.
* * * Thanks for your time. ^_^
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Posted: Sat Feb 06, 2010 12:13 pm
Metalic_Noodles Post linkIs this one better? "A prophecy? A little phrase, story, riddle or premonition is all we need to save the world?" She was skeptical, but not accusatory, with her words and tone. Alisha leaned forward, with her hands on her knees, and stood up. Her dress was blackened around the hem and at spots. The bottom edge even had a few singed places. She looked down at the headmaster, who had once more dangled death into the faces of those around as a possibility. If he is so knowingly and opening acting 'cold', then is this semi-emotionless state at the consequences and possibilities an act?"As important and cruel as words can be, they are far from an apocalyptic weapon or shield. With the exception of political careers."
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Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 6:26 pm
I hope that no one minds me helping out a bit while Rabs is busy, I'll try my best to be fair and thorough with my reviews though keep in mind these are mainly things that I see and is my opinion, so you don't really have to take it. And please forgive any typos my keyboard is pure cheap crap! Metalic, you've made a great RP post. Although it seems that at times you add in commas and split a sentence when it isn't completely necessary or needed. Quote: She took another step back, hitting the fence. That could work without the comma. And there is a bit of redundancy and excess details that seems to just stretch your post than add to the story. Quote: She left her notepad and pencil, forgotten, and ran up the stands. We can assume that with everything going on and her leaving her possessions behind they are to be forgotten and are of no importance. And yes the style is clunky almost choppy. One way to fix choppy and clunky sentences is to combine them to help with the flow of the paragraph at times like these semicolons and coordinating conjunctions are your friend, they will help you to get rid of some of those commas as mentioned earlier. Another method of fixing the clunky flow is to provide some more details. Quote: Her breathing was harder, her heart rate up, Here this seems almost useless to the post as it just drops off. You tell us that both her breathing and heart rate is up but was is the effect of them being up have on her? This adds to the clunkiness you've mentioned. If you can provide a touch more details or ultimately get rid of it it will help with the flow. Well this is my first review that didn't take place within an RP, I hope it was of some help.
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Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 11:50 am
Hello Everyone! I'm very new to Gaia as well as new to RPing. So, I was hoping by posting my character ideas here you could help me improve and excel. Here is one character that I've been thinking about quite a bit these past few weeks. I would greatly appreciate some type of opinion on her.
Name: Catori
Gender: Female
Age: 22 years
Ability: Manipulates any type of energy, mostly through touch, but some with her mind. For example, she can touch water and make it freeze or boiling hot. If there is a storm she can manipulate the electrical energy from it with her mind. However, there are some problems with her abilities, such as: she is somewhat not in control especially when she is feeling powerful emotions (rage or depression). Also, her powers are not from birth but slowly progressed from the start of puberty. She herself must learn and develop in order to wield these powers effectively.
Bio: Catori has pale skin, hazel eyes and dark brown hair. Her eyes are large and surrounded by long, full eyelashes. She is shy but very blunt, which can put people off when she is in social settings. She has a dark past with many secrets (including causing the death of her parents by uncontrollable abilities). Therefore, she is orphaned and spends most of her time alone because she fears that she will hurt the people she loves.
Obviously, this is not very in depth but I would love some critiques to strengthen and lengthen this character. So, please tell me what you think! heart
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Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 2:48 pm
Sexygiblets I think you would benefit more by taking your character profile to the Character Creation and Reviews thread. This is more for a thread for critique of your RPing posts rather than the character. Right now I'm trying to work my way to Skaiano's post.
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 10:48 pm
In the crowd Skyy waited for the show to start. The sooner it was finished, the quicker she could make sure the final act was Mr. Cross's final act before meeting her bullet. The gun and silencer was safely hidden in her bag, along with the VIP pass that Taylor had given her two days ago. Somewhere in the crowd was her father and little brother, support was a good thing as she mumbled in rapid Japanese. It was her second language, but useful for setting her plans. It was one of the things her mother made sure she knew, language and her education, though home schooled.
At last he came out, and she kept a serious face up, he wasn't an idol to her, just another target in her ever growing list. When he started singing, something seemed to change. Her heart felt the emotions he was putting into that first song. He was good, hitting her where it was the hardest, the heart. She bit her lower lip, reminding herself that she couldn't fail with her father in the crowd. Not with ten million on the line. The song ended and she couldn't help but clap quietly as she just listened to his playing. Hendrix, not bad choice. He wasn't half bad, but something was starting to make her plans fade so she slipped a hand into her bag to feel the gun and set of gloves that she would use after. Her own clothing was darker in color so any blood wouldn't show well and she could vanish into the night.
Just want somebody to give some tips. The flow feels odd.
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Posted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 5:23 pm
Sorry guys, mid-terms snuck up on me, shortly followed by a cold from hell.
I'll see if I can get my head on straight soon and do some reviews for everyone.
Right now I'm kind of numb in the head from oral anesthetics.
<_<'
Thanks Bern, for getting involved in this!
I appreciate that. And as a reminder to everyone else, you're all welcome and encouraged to participate in reviewing one another and offering polite advise, and so on.
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