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I like how she moves like water too. Or lightning. Lightning travels like a a river too (path of least resistance). You're right, something seems not quite right, but I don't think it's wondering what the headmaster should be doing. It seems more like she should be starting to wonder why she's surviving the fire, and maybe starting to understand that she's got some powers too. I don't know, it's not my RP; but that's my feedback.

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Is this one better?


"A prophecy? A little phrase, story, riddle or premonition is all we need to save the world?" She was skeptical, but not accusatory, with her words and tone.
Alisha leaned forward, with her hands on her knees, and stood up. Her dress was blackened around the hem and at spots. The bottom edge even had a few singed places. She looked down at the headmaster, who had once more dangled death into the faces of those around as a possibility. If he is so knowingly and opening acting 'cold', then is this semi-emotionless state at the consequences and possibilities an act?
"As important and cruel as words can be, they are far from an apocalyptic weapon or shield. With the exception of political careers."

What about this? Just a written version of a jaw-drop for an exercise.


He was innocently sipping a glass of champagne. So unaware and unsuspecting of the fact that his existence would soon end. His eyes swept the room, filled with guests making small talk and catching up. His eyes lingered on the door as it unsealed. This, was a mistake.
What stepped through that door was no girl or woman. It was pure evil, mortal by body only. Thick, brown curls hung from a large gathering point where they all merged as one. The majority met from a high clip on the back of her head, but plenty remained to frame her face. The eyes, half the darkness of the curls, must have been obtained from a notorious incubus upon his defeat. They were frames with black lines, furthered with darkened eyelashes. More still, there was a light smear of red surrounding that, red that couldn't compare to the color of her lips.
No one could be that perfect, only a great sin in a mortal form, but he couldn't pull his eyes away. Her bare neck and ruffles of lace at its base held his gaze prisoner. At the front, the ruffles formed a V shape that ended where her chest and dress began. Gatherings of lace, similar in appearance, held her arms tightly, just below her shoulders, and attached to the sides of the gown. From there the delicate fabric hung loosely, allowing the lace to hold it up. The flowing of soft fabric seemed to be determined to hide a bust that was given attention solely from the loose waves and folds of cloth. Free and flowing, it stopped only to hug her waist tightly. Wrapped around her, holding her where his arms suddenly wished to be. Over her hips the fabric just fell off, free to do as it pleased until a matching lace trim halted the folds.
As those stolen eyes searched the room they found a resting place on him. Surely there were others watching and marveling. He could not be the only, nor could he be the best dressed, or anything extraordinary. So why him? The weak of the flock? The one most likely to be wasted?
"Hello."
Her voice, the simple word of greeting, jarred him from his thoughts. He looked from his shoes to where she had been. As his eyes traveled up to hers from the floor he blushed but stammered out a response.
"H-hi."
Her face, she was looking at him like he was crazy. Had he already messed up? What had he done to look stupid.
"My, aren't you talkative today?" she said, the right side of her mouth turning upward and forming a smirk.
"W-What?" he asked, still confused at what he had done wrong. This time he managed a response with a bit more confidence. He did know that he was confused.
She chuckled, one of her hands moved towards he mouth but stopped at her chest. "So bashful today..."
He was puzzled, she was talking like they had met before. Certainly he would recall having met the woman before him. How would he have forgotten? How could he?
"Oh my! You don't recognize me?" she asked. She smiled, her lips just barely parted. This pleased but surprised her.
"Yes-Yes I do!"
"Oh? Then what is my name?" She asked, trying to not burst out laughing.
He blushed and his gaze turned to the feet of a dancing couple. He had really backed himself into a corner. How many women did he know? Not that many...
Barely giving him a chance to respond she full-out grinned, "K-Ki" she started for him, enjoying this game.
It was a good thing she gave him a good, long moment to contemplate the hint. His eyes returned to her face, he brow furrowed, and his lips silently trying to find the word. He took too long, he couldn't believe it would be possible.
"Kim." She filled in for him. She tried to look hurt, but was enjoying this too much to look the part.
His bottom lip parted from his other, but he didn't notice his lack of jaw control. All he could think of were multiple images of cartoon characters with eyes that were stretched out a yard with a chin that hit the floor like an elevator to let the tongue roll out. It was unfathomable. Kim wasn't this, she couldn't be. Kim wore loose overalls with various stains and rips. Kim wasn't afraid to get dirty and was the first to say yes to a crazy idea. Kim wasn't a woman... she couldn't be.
It felt as if his whole world was collapsing within itself. How could one of the guys be... this? It just wasn't possible, it couldn't be.
The woman laughed and slapped his back. "What's wrong? Too much fancy water? Where is the real drink?"
He looked at her, amazed. The words of this woman were so coarse and blatant, as similar to her appearance as sandpaper and down feathers. She had a hand on his shoulder, and was bending down as one of her feet left the floor. Underneath the long dress were heavy work boots. She fingered it until she pulled out a flat container. The woman grinned at him and let go as her foot touched down.
"Now this is drink!" she said before pouring a large amount into her mouth. As the small neck parted from her painted lips the woman exhaled. "Cheapskates. What kind of party only has water?" she commented as she scanned the room.
Maybe the only real change from tonight would be that he'd respect Kim's capacity for evil deeds and deception. He looked at her and smiled, as good as she was, she still had the attitude of one of the boys and couldn't hide it at all.
"What?" she asked when she noticed him smiling.
"Oh, nothing really."

[[I apologize for not returning. I am disappointed that only Wolffan posted to help, apart from myself. He is great and all, but I would have thought more people would want to help. The more opinions you get, the better you will know about where and how to improve.]]

Sample two, Alisha - While much shorter, I can see effort into describing more. You might want to work on getting some consistency with your sentences. Two are long, then there is a short one. I think your longer sentences can be written better. You have the word "opening" instead of "openly", a minor error, but one a proofread would normally pick up. The thought sentence that error was in is a bit long and confusing. I had to read it a few times to understand. That might be how the character thinks, but maybe there is a way to write it more coherently? I think that a semicolon between the word "shield" and the word "with" might be more appropriate. Overall, a little better, but I still think you have much room to improve in that area.

[[I have to go for now, I'll try to get to the others soon.]]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your advise and comments. I haven't been on much recently though, so anything I post today is rushed, just to make sure I'm not holding anything up. I'm really behind in some RPs.

From Village of Screams:
Patricia Stanley

At the sound of the bell she ran out of the building. She was one of the first into the school yard. She stretched her arms out and inhaled deeply, then quickly glanced around. "Ah-Ha!" she said, running in the direction of an apple tree. She quickly climbed up into the foliage and waited.
She sat there, watching the doors of the building intently. She was counting and checking off a mental list of all of her friends. Today they would play tag, club style. At the last club meeting they had decided that the punishment would be a choice, a big handicap at the game that afternoon after school, or wearing an item that each of the others had brought. There would be a vote if two or more items could not be worn at once.
"Boo."
Pat almost fell from the tree. She looked down and saw her friend staring up at her. "Wha-How did you...?"
Her friend laughed, and pointed to the open window of their classroom.
"Oh" she said, blushing a little at missing something so obvious.
Her friend was still laughing, "I didn't even go out a different room!" She was now laying on the ground, faking a laughter fit.
Pat took this chance to jump out of the tree and run to the side of the building. She could have tried to tag her, but she might have gotten tagged herself. She stood, with her back to the wall, listening carefully for footsteps.

Hello?

echoechoecho