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Karrachan

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 01, 2009 3:19 pm


I was going through my ...old.. no, my 'I'll never show this to anyone, hahaah!' folder of Short Things and Stuff, and happened across...this. I guess I thought it was cute at the time or something. It still kind of is. I..don't really know. That, and I acually have an alternate version of this. Ah-mazing.

It was written when I was going through an Ienzo phase, and I...have an OC for kingdom hearts.
We can also just pretend... they have nothing to do with the game....

~~~


"I always loved the way it felt."

Ienzo turned around, frowning at his friend. The younger girl stood in the rain, arms out wide, smiling at the sky. The water made soft pit-pat sounds as it hit her skin.

Ienzo, on the other hand, stood dry underneath an umbrella, not wanting to get wet. "Mikiro, you're going to get sick," He sighed, reaching out to pull the little girl closer. The raven-haired girl pulled away quickly, and her friend gave her a questioning look.

"Live once in a while, Ien!" She giggled, twirling around in a circle. Ienzo's lips twitched upwards in a small smile. Mikiro looked at him again.
"Besides," She started, finally walking under the umbrella and standing next to the boy. "You'd still visit me even if I was sick, right?" She stared at him, her green eyes questioning. “It’d be awfully boring, being alone all the time.”

Ienzo simply patted her on the head, handing her the umbrella. "It's not like I have anything better to do. Visiting you is like…I don’t know…community service. It’s a good thing to do if you’ve loads of free time on your hands."

"Yeah...you're right." Mikiro said thoughtfully, taking the umbrella, before realizing what he had meant by that statement. "Hey!" She reached out to smack him on the head, but he was already running away from her, laughing.

"Catch me if you can!"
PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 1:27 pm


that was cute whee and short too. Which is good for a quick read 3nodding

AuroraCelestine
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tiger1715

PostPosted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 1:39 pm


I agree! It was very cute and fun to read smile You have nice, flowing descriptions, and the characters seem realistic. Well done! smile
PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 4:11 pm


I think that every prose should have a certain tempo that corresponds to it, kind of like a beat to a song. When the girl was staring up at the sky, feeling the rain, you should describe that a little bit more. That should be the introductory of a "song" (usually slow paced). You can do that by describing the setting or characters, wisely. There's something writers usually follow and that is: Show not tell. Don't tell me that the girl's hair was black as raven. Say the rain matted down her hair unto her neck making it black in color or something like that. Then, the story should get faster paced with more dialogue.

That's just my opinion on what sounds good to me. I think so far it's very well written! Keep it up!

piperlime

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Chapter Three (Role playing and Literary works in progress)

 
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