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 Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 1:19 pm
I had shook my head in horror.
"No, no! This can't be happening!" I had screached. I then quickly wiped the hot tears from my eyes and ran, unhindered, from the room.
This was only a whisper of death...
***
Silvara sat, silently watching the night roll by. She gazed at the distant lights of the city of Likaan Shanfar, her "homeland" that she had chose. She had been accepted b one man, Juraad the surface elf. Yet she had brought his destrction. Her legacy, her past, had come back to watch her suffer.
Her dark red eyes, quite unusual for her race, scanned the lighter horizn to the east as she tried to enjoy her twentieth sunrise on the surface, away from her birthplace. Trust was a hard to win thing, here in the southern areas. She turned her eyes north, where the range of mountaintops punctured the lightening sky, the Spine of the World and Icewind Dale beyond that.
The drow pulled the cowl over her pointed obsidian ears. She had heard of another rouge dark elf called Drizzt Do'Urden. Drzzt was described as a hero, a legend, and was told to live in Kelvan's Cairn, past the Spine. Silvara intended to visit him.
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Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 7:16 pm
Sapphirianna I had shook [shaken] my head in horror.
"No, no! This can't be happening!" I had screached.[screeched, and get rid of the had. It weakens you sentence] I then quickly wiped[ try scrubbed. It feels like a fiercer, faster word] the hot tears from my eyes[cheeks, maybe? Or is she still crying?] and ran, unhindered, from the room.
This was only a whisper of death...[Only a wisper of death remained behind me? Or is she running towards death? Both?]*** Silvara[See? Good, interesting names=win. Good work!] sat, silently watching the night roll by. She gazed at the distant lights of the city of Likaan Shanfar, her "homeland" that she had chose.[chosen] She had been accepted b[y] one man[only one?], Juraad the surface elf. Yet she had brought [add about, unless she physically carried it with her] his destrction. Her legacy, her past, had come [change to came, or had returned. Remember, action verbs are your friends]back to watch her suffer.
Her dark red eyes[scarlet, magenta, henna, marron, claret, ect. Choose a strong, visual term for the red.], quite unusual for her race, scanned the lighter horizn to the east as she tried[in vain? or is she possibly going to enjoy it? in that case, don't bother changing it] to enjoy her twentieth sunrise on the surface, away from her birthplace. Trust was a hard to win thing, here in the southern areas. She turned her eyes north, where the range of mountaintops punctured the lightening sky, the Spine of the World and Icewind Dale beyond that.
The drow pulled the cowl over her pointed obsidian[good, strong color descriptor!] ears. She had heard of another rouge dark elf called Drizzt Do'Urden. Drzzt was described as a hero, a legend, and was told to live in Kelvan's Cairn, past the Spine. Silvara intended to visit him.
Good job, though. This was a very strong piece, particularly for one so short. Your character has an interesting name, and the eyes aren't terribly overdone yet, so they are- for now- an interesting addition.
Keep up the good work, and, as always, feel free to ignore any of my siggestions.
Peace, Love and Reese's Pieces,
Evermore
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Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 6:03 pm
[This a work in progress... sooo... yeah...]
I had shaken my head in horror.
"No, no! This can't be happening!" I screeched. I then quickly scrubbed the hot tears from my tear-streaked cheeks and ran, unhindered, from the room.
This was only a whisper of the death that I would bring...
***
Silvara sat, silently watching the night roll by. She gazed at the distant lights of the city of Likaan Shanfar, her "homeland" that she had chosen. She had been accepted by a man, Juraad the surface elf. Yet she had brought about his destruction. Her legacy, her past, had came back to watch her suffer.
Her dark crimson eyes, quite unusual for her race, scanned the lighter horizn to the east as she tried to enjoy her twentieth sunrise on the surface, away from her birthplace. Trust was a hard to win thing here in the southern areas. She turned her eyes north, where the range of mountaintops punctured the lightening sky, the Spine of the World and Icewind Dale beyond that.
The drow pulled the cowl over her pointed obsidian ears. She had heard of another rouge dark elf called Drizzt Do'Urden. Drizzt was described as a hero, a legend, and was told to live in Kelvan's Cairn, past the Spine. Silvara intended to visit him.
She stretched, feeling her strong muscles contract, and spun on her heel, heading to the biting, ice-covered northlands. Her thick mane of white hair cascading down her spine like the foaming waters of rapids.
The soft songs of the wind reached her, gingerly taking the strands of hair from her shoulders and lifting them to the sky.
[Sorry, I have to go... Later!]
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Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 9:17 pm
Evermore Reality Sapphirianna I had shook [shaken] my head in horror.
"No, no! This can't be happening!" I had screached.[screeched, and get rid of the had. It weakens you sentence] I then quickly wiped[ try scrubbed. It feels like a fiercer, faster word] the hot tears from my eyes[cheeks, maybe? Or is she still crying?] and ran, unhindered, from the room.
This was only a whisper of death...[Only a wisper of death remained behind me? Or is she running towards death? Both?]*** Silvara[See? Good, interesting names=win. Good work!] sat, silently watching the night roll by. She gazed at the distant lights of the city of Likaan Shanfar, her "homeland" that she had chose.[chosen] She had been accepted b[y] one man[only one?], Juraad the surface elf. Yet she had brought [add about, unless she physically carried it with her] his destrction. Her legacy, her past, had come [change to came, or had returned. Remember, action verbs are your friends]back to watch her suffer.
Her dark red eyes[scarlet, magenta, henna, marron, claret, ect. Choose a strong, visual term for the red.], quite unusual for her race, scanned the lighter horizn to the east as she tried[in vain? or is she possibly going to enjoy it? in that case, don't bother changing it] to enjoy her twentieth sunrise on the surface, away from her birthplace. Trust was a hard to win thing, here in the southern areas. She turned her eyes north, where the range of mountaintops punctured the lightening sky, the Spine of the World and Icewind Dale beyond that.
The drow pulled the cowl over her pointed obsidian[good, strong color descriptor!] ears. She had heard of another rouge dark elf called Drizzt Do'Urden. Drzzt was described as a hero, a legend, and was told to live in Kelvan's Cairn, past the Spine. Silvara intended to visit him.
Good job, though. This was a very strong piece, particularly for one so short. Your character has an interesting name, and the eyes aren't terribly overdone yet, so they are- for now- an interesting addition.
Keep up the good work, and, as always, feel free to ignore any of my siggestions.
Peace, Love and Reese's Pieces,
Evermore
cɧєℓsєαooooooooooo
x - - - - - - - - - - - - x
I Love evermore. c:
So helpful!
x - - - - - - - - - - - - x ✖ ✖ ✖ ✖
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Posted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 4:27 pm
[This a work in progress... sooo... yeah...] I had shaken my head in horror.
"No, no! This can't be happening!" I screeched. I then quickly scrubbed the hot tears from my tear-streaked cheeks and ran, unhindered, from the room.
This was only a whisper of the death that I would bring... *** Silvara sat, silently watching the night roll by. She gazed at the distant lights of the city of Likaan Shanfar, her "home" that she had chosen. She had been accepted by a man, Juraad the surface elf. Yet she had brought about his destruction. Her legacy, her past, came back to watch her suffer.
Her dark crimson eyes, quite unusual for her race, scanned the lighter horizn to the east as she tried to enjoy her twentieth sunrise on the surface, away from her birthplace. Trust was a hard to win thing here in the southern areas. She turned her eyes north, where the range of mountaintops punctured the lightening sky, the Spine of the World and Icewind Dale beyond that.
The drow pulled the cowl over her pointed obsidian ears. She had heard of another rouge dark elf called Drizzt Do'Urden. Drizzt was described as a hero, a legend, and was told to live in Kelvan's Cairn, past the Spine. Silvara intended to visit him.
She stretched, feeling her strong muscles contract, and spun on her heel, heading to the biting, ice-covered northlands. Her thick mane of white hair cascading down her spine like the foaming waters of rapids.
The soft songs of the wind reached her, gingerly taking the strands of hair from her shoulders and lifting them to the sky. She raised her head up high and watched the clouds slowly crawl by.
"Where are you, dear brother?" Silvara whispered into the gust of chill air. It picked up the words and flung them back at her, teasingly whisping the words away.
"Where are you, Drizzt, ranger of Icewind Dale?"*** Drizzt Do'Urden laid his head back, basking in the sharp sunlight, even though it stung his lavender eyes. He sighed, happily watching over his home, the harsh, bitter emptiness of Icewind Dale's tundras.
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