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Escorting Suzie Holstram

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Naeshira

PostPosted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 6:57 pm


Hey, guys, I'm working on a story, and would really like some feedback on it. This is the first part. Constructive criticism is preferred. I mean, I like the whole 'i like it, good job' thing, but I would really appreciate help in bettering my work. Thanks!
___________________________________________

Ring. Ring. RingRing.

Marcus leaned back in the desk chair, throwing his pencil at the office ceiling. One good thing about having a home office was that you could decorate it the way you wanted to. Unfortunately, this was his father’s office, and looked like it. Dark paneled walls, big black bookcases, green furniture; it wasn’t much of a wonder why the Woods took most of their customers by phone. Anyone coming into the room was almost immediately turned off by the décor.

RingRing. RingRingRing!

“Answer the phone!”

Marcus sighed and reached across the desk for the phone. His sister’s yells were another unfortunate about the home office. “Hello. Woods’ Delivery Service, how may I help you?” He muttered uninterestedly into the mouthpiece. After all, it was his day off and he was still stuck answering calls.

“Hello, I was wondering what kind of, uh, ‘goods’ you transport.” An old, croaky voice said.

“Well, we transport anything from furniture, food, letters, parcels…I think we delivered a goat once, but Dad said never again.” Marcus answered, tapping his pencil against a pad of paper.

“Do you transfer, um, people?”

“Eh?”

“People. A young girl, specifically.”

“A young…Hold on, I’ll have to go ask.” Marcus said quickly. He pressed the ‘hold call’ button and set the phone down. He sat back, staring at it for a second, and then made up his mind.

Vaulting over the desk, narrowly missing the lamp, Marcus ran from the room, shouting for his sister. “Oi, Missy! Where’s Dad?” He stood in front of her door, repeatedly pounding on it until it opened.

Melissa stood there, barring his view into her room. They looked very much alike, with thick dark hair and light skin, but brown-eyed Marcus was heavily freckled while green-eyed Melissa worried more about pimples.

“What?” she snapped. She was older by two years and seemed to always get annoyed by anything her little brother did.

“Are we involved in human trafficking?” Marcus asked.

“What?”

“Are we, as a company, involved in human trafficking?”

Melissa pushed past Marcus, closing her door behind her. “What did you do now?”

“Answered the phone. You yelled at me to. Where’s Dad? I’ll ask him.”

“No, hold on.” Melissa entered the office and grabbed the phone. She started to talk to the customer, jotting down notes on the pad. “Yes. We’ll be sure to call with an answer. Yes. Have a good day.”

Melissa stared at the paper. “Holstram.” She murmured. “Let’s find Dad.”

“What is it?” Marcus asked. “What happened?”

Melissa didn’t answer.

They found their father sitting in the library. The library was decorated much like the office, but with more books and in slightly more bearable color tones.

James Woods was a big man, with dark hair, green eyes, and a build like his daughter: slim, but surprisingly strong.

“Dad, we have a customer.”

He didn’t even look up. “Put it in the box.”

“Holstram.” Melissa said, not moving.

“I said to put- oh.” Mr. Woods looked up at her. “Give it here, dear. What do they want delivered this time?” He took the paper and looked it over.

“A young girl.”

Mr. Woods sighed. “Which Holstram was on the phone?”

“He didn’t leave a first name, but it was an old guy.”

“Did he talk with a lisp?”

“Um, no. What’s that got to do with anything?”

Marcus sniggered, imagining an old guy with a lisp.

“Quite a bit, dear. Quite a bit.” Mr. Woods said, frowning at his son. “Call him back. Tell the old Master that we’ll take his girl. But tell him he’d better have a reason when we arrive for pick up tomorrow.”

Marcus, tired of being confused, asked, “Why do they want to transfer a little girl?”

“Holstram.” Melissa said, “Who’re the Holstrams?”

Marcus thought a moment. “Um…Aren’t they aristocrats?”

“Well, yes. But what else are they?”

“…Corrupt aristocrats?”

“No, you idiot. They’re wizards.”

“Actually, Missy,” their father corrected, “They’re a coven. Holstram Coven is a rich, influential group of witches and warlocks. Never call any magical person a ‘wizard’ unless they specifically tell you. Remember that, all right?”

“Um, sure. Why don’t they like being called wizards?”

“Because calling a warlock a ‘wizard’ is a very rude thing to do and could have bad repercussions. Usually in the form of hexes.”

“So,” Marcus muttered, “We’re gonna deliver some little girl for them?”

“Nope.” Mr. Woods said, returning to his work. “We’re going to ‘escort’ her. Now, don’t you two have chores to do?”

Marcus and Melissa sighed. “Yes, Dad.”
PostPosted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 8:15 pm


wow that was great mrgreen

zoje972
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Zycope
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 5:40 pm


yah. its good, its got a hook, and is interesting, but maybe you should explain or put something that tells why magic is involved in the book, or did you want to be that way? If so its fine, 3nodding
PostPosted: Sun Sep 06, 2009 2:50 pm


Here's the next part.
_______________________________________________
Marcus sat, rather squished, in the backseat of the delivery van. It was old, and had even belonged to Grandad Woods a long time ago. It had originally been white, but faded to a dirty gray now. The words ‘Woods’ Delivery Service’ were printed in peeling blue paint on either side of the van, unchanged since Grandad’s time.
It was a big van, but only in the back with the boxes. In the front, there was the driver’s and passenger’s seats, but behind that was where Marcus was squished. He sat between a large box full of fragile candelabras and Reed.
Reed was Marcus’ best friend. He was small, with somewhat shaggy black hair, darker even then all the Woods’ hair put together. His skin was also pale, but while Marcus was sun-tanned, Reed was so white that he ‘reflected moonlight’ according to Mr. Woods. Reed knew random facts that nobody else had any clue about and had a habit of spouting them when he was nervous. But right now, he was silent, staring out the window.
The dirt road was bumpy and made travel uncomfortable, especially when Reed’s bony shoulder and elbow kept poking Marcus on every bump. The landscape however was very beautiful. Yellow fields were sprawling into the middle distance, with a white picket fence running along the road. Every once and a while, there’d be a finely trimmed tree dotting the edge of the fence.
Finally, they came upon a large wrought-iron fence on one side of the road. Driving along that, the landscape changed to glimpses of bright, well tended grass between tall trees and green bushes and beautiful flower gardens.
A large building came into view. It was a mansion, as big as thrice the Woods’ house at least. They could see lots of large windows and columns and balconies. And it was white. Not the dirty grey of the delivery van, but actually white, like the puffy clouds floating by in the sky.
They pulled up to a gate directly in front of the grand building. It opened, and they pulled up a large gravel driveway to a circle in front of the front doors.
Standing on the porch were three people; a tall woman, a small girl, and an old man in a wheelchair.
The woman was of African descent, and seemed very prim and proper in her business suit/skirt. Her eyes were red and puffy though; she had been crying earlier. In one finely manicured hand was a small suitcase. The other hand was on the little girl’s shoulder.
The little girl was obviously the woman’s daughter. She had caramel colored skin, not as dark as her mother’s, and black hair. She was wearing a nice little white dress and a pink sweater. Clutched in her arms was a stuffed yellow rabbit. Her chocolate brown eyes stared up wonderingly at Reed as he and the Woods filed out of the van.
“You have my parcel, Woods?” Came the old croaky voice again. The old man in the wheelchair was glaring hard at Mr. Woods.
“Of course, Master Holstram.” Mr. Woods replied, grabbing the large box that Marcus had been getting squished by. He opened it and held it out to the old man, letting him inspect what was in it.
The old man was frail by seemed in fine health. He was missing some teeth and his skin, as dark as the woman’s, was fading to a sort of grayish color in his old age. His hair was white and curly, cropped closely to his head. He was dressed in a fine scarlet suit, and his wheelchair was black and shiny.
Pleased by what he saw in the box, he nodded to a servant to take it inside. “Now,” he continued, “This is Suzie, my granddaughter. She is the one you’ll be taking. You know of the Parallel, of course?”
Mr. Woods nodded. “I do. And my daughter does as well. You want her taken there?”
“Yes.” The woman said, sounding a bit as though her nose was plugged, “Unfortunately, we have been prohibited from opening a portal here ourselves, and she needs to be taken through one of the legal portals. The closest is in London, and once you get her through, we have arrangements for someone else to take her the rest of the way.”
Mr. Woods nodded. “We can manage that.” He turned to the little girl. “Hello Suzie. My name is Mr. Woods.” He held out his hand to the little girl.
“It’s very nice to meet you, Mr. Woods.” The little girl said quietly, carefully putting out her small hand to shake his.
Marcus glanced at Reed with raised eyebrows. Reed shrugged. They both knew that when they were kids, they were definitely not that polite.
“Must be because they’re so rich.” Reed whispered.
“Yeah, must be.” Marcus nodded.
Melissa smacked the both of them on the back of their heads. “You’re still not that polite.” She hissed.
The three looked up to find everyone staring at them; Mr. Woods with slight exasperation, and Suzie with apparent wonder.
“Sorry.” they all muttered, and Mr. Woods sighed, shaking his head.
“Suzie, this is my daughter Melissa, my son Marcus, and his friend Reed.” Mr. Woods said, pointing to each of them.
“It’s nice to meet you.” Suzie said. She turned and reached for her mother, who crouched down to her level.
“All right, Suzie, honey, you need to go with Mr. Woods now. Auntie Clarice will meet you in the Parallel, and I’ll follow after as soon as I can get there.”
“Okay, Mummy. But why am I going with regular humans?”
“Dear, they’re not just regular humans. They’re Sighters, they can see magic and anything magical; they just can’t perform any of it themselves.” She reached down and hugged her daughter tightly. “Be a good girl, now. Listen to what they say, and don’t talk to any strangers.”
“Okay. Bye-bye!” Suzie took Melissa’s hand and waved at her mother.
“Good-bye, honey!” her mother waved back, and leaned towards Mr. Woods. “Do take care of her, please. I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to her.”
“Don’t worry, ma’am. She’ll be in safe hands.” Mr. Woods assured her, “We’ll do anything we can to protect her until she reaches the Parallel.” He took Suzie's suitcase and shoved it in next to Marcus' feet.
Marcus was back in the backseat of the delivery van, with Suzie next to him, and Reed on the other side of her. Melissa was sitting in the front again, and was leaning back, buckling Suzie in.
As Mr. Woods climbed back in the car, Suzie leaned past Marcus and waved at her mother and her grandfather. Her grandfather gave a small wave and then wheeled himself back inside the mansion. Her mother, on the other hand, waved energetically, one hand on her mouth to keep her from crying, until the delivery van had driven out of the gate and out of sight.
Suzie leaned back again as they all started to get jolted by the road bumps. She held her stuffed bunny tightly and stared at Reed again. They hit another bump and Reed pulled his elbow in to keep him from hitting her.
Marcus noticed that there was something flying around in front of Reed’s face, something sparkly and distracting. Obviously, Reed had no idea that it was there.
“You’re not a Sighter. You’re just a regular human.” Suzie said blatantly. The flying something started to flash bright lights.
“Um, yeah. I am.” Reed glanced at her nervously, restraining from mentioning one of his random facts. He knew next to nothing about magic, and all that he did know was from Marcus. And Marcus hardly knew very much.
“Suzie,” Mr. Woods called from the front seat. He was watching the little flying something in the rearview mirror. “Would you mind stopping that little sparkle-thing? It’s rather distracting and I really don’t want to crash.”
“Of course, sir. I’m sorry.” Suzie reached out her hand and closed it. The sparkling thing disappeared from Reed’s nose and he only stared at them wonderingly.
“Magic?” he asked.
Marcus nodded, then reached out and tapped his sister’s shoulder. “Missy, what’s the Parallel?”
“It’s where we’re going, idiot.” Melissa snapped, smacking his hand away. Turning to their father, she asked, “Dad, is there really a train that goes there? I mean, I didn’t think it was possible.”
“Of course it’s possible, dear. Anything’s possible. Not always probable, but always possible. Even a train ride to another world. Now, when we get to the train station, I’ll be dropping the four of you off. You’ll be taking the train to London. When you get there, you are to take this train to the Parallel. When you get to the Parallel, someone will be there to take little Suzie on further, and you three will come straight home. All right?” Mr. Woods handed Melissa four train tickets to the Parallel, and some money to buy the tickets home.
“Wait, you’re not coming with us, Dad?” Marcus asked, staring at his father.
“No, I’m not. I expect this escort will take a few days, and someone needs to be here to run the business. Besides, it’s a simple job if all goes according to plan.”
“Can’t you come with us? Leave Uncle Jimmy to handle the business for a few days, it’ll be like vacation!” Marcus pleaded.
“Uncle Jimmy?” Mr. Woods laughed. “Son, Jimmy couldn’t handle a hammer let alone a business. It’s better if I do it myself. There’s appointments scheduled for the next week, and we really can’t afford to miss them. Besides, I trust you three enough to get a young girl to London Parallel.
“Suzie, you can make sure that these three don’t get in too much trouble, can’t you?” Mr. Woods added, smiling at the girl in the rearview mirror.
“Yes, sir. I’m sure I can.” Suzie grinned back at him.
Mr. Woods nodded. “There’s a good girl.”

Naeshira

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