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Yup. I'd appreciate any and all critiques and suggestions, as well as copy edits, because I know I can miss stuff like that in my own stuff 3nodding

Oh, and I know the dialogue is awkward *will fix it somewhere in the future*

try to limit how many names you have in the begining xD
I doubt I could remember more than 2 in a chapter at the start of the story...


It's fine as is Noise, you can change cloe's name if it sounds better, I do that often.
I like your chapter, there's nothing I see wrong except the major info dumping at the begining was very info dumpy and broke the flow.

I kinda think if I were you I would've made a prologue or another chapter before this one revolving with your vampires first so it's easier to tell what kind of story it is and why it won't be like the other vampire stories I've read.
(the problem with vampire stories is you do have to prove why your story is kind of "the real" way vampires should be written about... otherwise it kind of ends up being the same archaetype of story you see all the time that Anne Rice was the original version of.)

So that's what I felt, but it works well and flows nicely. It just feels like something I would've already read you know?
Normal kids find vampire, love interest conflict is probably involved and blood suckingness happens to one of them. xd

Then again, your target audience for this story is not really what I fit into, you'd probably want to ask Arnoria and Dystopian specifically. I think she'd be closer to the kind of person who would read it if she found it in a store.
So that's just me there being me as opposed to being general.

This is a really good start Noise! I can't wait to find out more. The wole 'mirror' thing is a bit Lacanian and as such you could use it to really good effect, to create some quite poignant images and psychoanalytic symbolism. If you're not familiar with Lacan, it may be worth while looking him up.

I agree with Zen that it is a little info dumpy, but I do that a lot too (just as with my first chapter), and I know how easy it is to do. But that's something that's easy enough to smooth out.

Chloe seems like a really interesting character - studying something as dry as calculus, but having such a vivid imagination. I think this sets up the potential for a really well rounded, complex character, and internal conflict.

- Zen, have I mentioned at some point I like vampire stories, or is this just an educated guess? Either way, yes, I am rather fond of vampire stories (Anne Rice in particular), but I refuse to read Twilight. - Noise, I am very interested to learn more about this devilishly handsom vampire in the mirror, as well as the miriad of other people and creatures beyond the glass. This sounds like a very cool and very promising story smile

Snnnh!
Noise, I wants to steal your brain. For nefarious purposes. Naturally.
Okay, I have to say I really, really enjoyed this.
Personally, I think the start is fine, it grabbed my attention straight away. I liked how easily you slipped it from what seemed like general fiction slowly into the realms of fantasy/horror.
I like the names, I'd keep them as is, unless you're having trouble relating to the names. Sound silly but I do that too.
Dialgoue does need a little work but, on the whole, it worked very well.
I would say the chapter needs to be a bit longer. I want to know a little bit more about the characters - both Abby and Chloe. I also want a little more expounding on the mirrors - what her family thought of her obsession, and what Chloe thinks. It's a very narcissistic (it's late, that's spelled wrong, sorry >.<) trait and she seems to do it enough that it would raise concern. Or, at least, some serious teasing xd
I also want more of a freak out when the mirror talks to her and when she sees the face. Though I loved the very witty discussion of what went through her head.

Chee.Wants.More.GIMME! > biggrin

Also, non-cliche vampire FTW

YAy prologue!!

prologue needs a lot more description in it I think, the dialogue is good but once aya came up I lost track.

Probably start with some imagery before the first person says something in it.

Once you get a lot of description, prologue will be perfect cool