Welcome to Gaia! ::

I normally don't like to post my personal problems on the internet due to the wrong people finding and exploiting or revealing what's been written, or for fear of being taken as a whiner. But this is a really serious, life-altering decision that I have to make, and it's hurting me so bad to keep it all to myself. Tears are falling from my eyes as I type; this is the third time I've cried today because of it.

It goes like this: I've survived a year of college. I've always been the academic kid, and I've always gotten straight A's because of it. As a result, I've been spoiled my whole life by my parents. I've never held a job, I've never had to do actual work (other than school) to earn anything in my life, never had to pay out of my own pocket for anything but my beloved desktop computer, and to put it in gamer terms, my Speechcraft sucks. A few people I know would love to trade me lifestyles because I'm so spoiled.

But here's the thing. My boyfriend of nearly 4 years and I want to try living together. He's got a job and a car. He's going to school year-round, and he'll be out a year earlier than I. He's also younger than me by six months. This living together thing is only for a year, partially because I screwed up and didn't get my scholarships re-applied for (I'm changing majors, anyway, and one was major-specific), and partially because (and we both know it's selfish) we just want to be together. Doesn't sound like a problem yet, until the parents get factored in.

Parents always want what's best for you, right? I won't say that my parents are an exception; I know they want what's best for me. But this decision has, among other things, caused a shitload of drama. Mostly from my father. He's done his share of screwing up; he just ended a two year affair with another woman. But he vehemently opposes my going to join my boyfriend, even if just for a semester, never mind a year. And I mean vehemently. As in, "I'll never forgive you if you go through with this dumbass decision," "I'll take your truck, your phone, your laptop, and the gas card if you go through with it. You want to see what's it's like being on your own? Do you really want to screw up your life like this?" Essentially, if I go, I can't come to him for help. I go, and I'm ostracized from the family, or at least from him.

Those are actual quotes from a fight between myself and my father today. It's not the first time he's said those things, either. It happened last month, the week right after I came home from college, too. He does pay for all those things, because of my grades, and I'm not exactly keen on losing any of them. But they are all replaceable with time and money.

I know I'm only 19, and I know I'm bound to make stupid decisions. Everyone does. Another quote from my father: "You're smarter than this."
I'm only book-smart; I don't think that's the right kind of intelligence that governs this kind of decision. I'm still naive to the ways of the world. My sister, my best friend, my mom; all of them have told me that I am.

I never really thought of it this way until now; that an "I'll never forgive you for going against me" could translate to an "I'll never love you again because you went against me." I know that it also could not mean that, but the possibility of it... I can't express in words how badly that hurts. It really sounds like I'm making a Pyrrhic choice when the decision comes down to "stay and keep both family and boyfriend", or "go and lose the family." I just don't see why my going to be with my boyfriend for just a year should carry such a severe consequence.

I guess I'm still left with the question: Should a parent disown a child over a choice like this? The choice to either stay where I am and live as I always have, playing by his rules to get the benefits; or to go to a new place for an admittedly selfish reason, completely throwing away pretty much everything he's ever given me and starting from scratch. It just sounds like a really, really stupid reason to disown one's own firstborn; just because she wanted to try living with her boyfriend.

Any thoughts are appreciated. I just really needed somewhere safer than dA or FA to put this, and this was the best place I could think of since no one in my family knows that I'm a furry or even what a furry is. Sorry about the wall of text.

*nodnod* Thanks, Bubble T. I really appreciate it, truly.
I know for a fact that it's supermassively hard for my dad to let go. It's like, I know they want the best for me, but this is my decision. No one's pushing me either way.

I think I might have to PM you. I just need someone to talk to about this and it's damned hard not to talk to someone I know in real life.

An update. I gotta let this all out again...

Call it stupid, but today I was going to try and head off to be with my boyfriend. We thought we had everything planned out. We thought that it was going to work just fine. It would have, if I hadn't felt bad for going behind my mom's back. She's been lied to enough, I thought. I shouldn't lie to her, too. Between her and I, it would have been fine. But the reason I was even going behind their backs in the first place was because of Dad and his damned outbursts concerning this decision.

I hate getting yelled at, and I hate being cussed at. Hate it with the passion of a blazing inferno. I just don't know how else to avoid it other than to sneak around like a ninja. I've never felt that I can just up and say anything to the parents without getting yelled at.

Every time this thing comes up and I show that I really want to do it, and then Dad hears about it, might as well cue the shouting and cussing and belittling. I've been told by different people that protecting a child this much is a form of abuse. I started to wonder, Am I really being abused? I decided to look into it today since my travel plans got shot sky-high. What did I find? This article, in which are listed a few varieties of abuse: physical, mental, and emotional. I was able to identify with many of the warning signs of emotional abuse. I don't know if that means that I really am, but being told you're stupid for thinking in a way radically different from that of your parent hurts like hell.

Even if I am, he doesn't acknowledge psychology. He thinks it's all bullshit. That cripples a science-based person like me. How do you debate someone who doesn't even acknowledge where your argument points are coming from?

I feel like utter crap. It hurts. I've always thought that I was conceited. Maybe, I'm wrong? Is it just a facade to hide the low self-esteem I may actually have? I wish I knew. How I wish I knew...