Welcome to Gaia! ::

Writer's Fiction Guild

Back to Guilds

I know its title is writing, but we also offer art and videos. All forms of creativity welcome. 

 

Reply Main Forum
-Demon Child-

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

Deatre Cyanide
Crew

PostPosted: Tue Mar 03, 2009 3:33 pm
I guess it's about time I made a post of my own. Well, here's a small tid-bit of the first chapter of my story.

It's not much, but it's there, hopefully for your entertainment and for you to...gain knowledge from?

I've no clue, so read on.

Edit: I updated, just slightly.


-Chapter One: D.hemonica-
~The ‘Ormolu’ Age~

- - -


The shadows were dancing on the ceiling, on the floor, and on the wall. They spun a tale of old folklore that told of epic battles and unforgotten tales of the past. Eyes, glazed with fascination, watched as they did so, the sound of the howling wind filling up the silence.

Gasps erupted from the young combatants-in-training as a blast went off in the far distance. The detonation had went off in the south-west, where the town of Cleaver was. Queries came along with those gasps, all directed to the only one who’d know what was going on.

The shadows ceased their dancing.

Red eyes opened in the darkness of the room, thus quieting the novices. Signaling a soldier standing by, she instructed him to keep watch over the trainees. While leaving the room, several more blasts echoed through the mountains. Ignoring the sounds of destruction, she continued to walk through the empty halls that were dimly lit. Opening a door, she walked outside, now aware of what time it was, for the sun started to sink below the horizon.

Her eyes wandered to where the smoke rose to the sky, she reviewed her motives, and ran into the thick forest of the Gomand Mountains. As she ran, she took notice of the lack of night-life. She’d have no trouble reaching the town, the demons and creatures of the night to afraid to come out of their lairs due to the explosions. So, taking advantage of this knowledge, she ran faster, until she reached one of the many sides of the mountains. She stood on the edge of the cliff, which overlooked the town of Cleaver.

Fires were set on most of the rooftops, destroying the valuables and what not contained in each building, the smell of bodies burning wafting up with the smoke to where she stood. The smoke and smell making her tear up slightly, she surveyed the rest of what was left of the town, not liking what she saw. Screams, blasts, and other noises that she couldn’t recognize rang through the air. All that was happening heightened her senses, and made her frown, disgusted with the display of war in front of her. Traveling down the cliff, she ventured towards the destruction.

Reaching the bottom, she ran through the fire, which had reached the small crop fields surrounding part of the town, and closer to the conflict. The symphony of the chaos grew louder, the scent of death stronger, and the show more vivid than before. Within seconds, she was in Cleaver, in the battle zone. Her hands went to her sides, and gripped the hilts of her swords that were already tainted with the blood of others. Jumping over a fence, she reached the main street of the town.

Dozens of civilians swarmed in mass confusion as the buildings around them fell apart and collapsed around them, along with the soldiers chasing them down like a predator would its prey. Blood spilled onto the ground, along with the bodies that it belonged to, and the heat of the fires increased, making sweat appear on her forehead. She ran into the midst of it all, more than prepared to die.

Slicing the backs of her enemies, and rescuing what townspeople she could, she moved forward, red eyes glowing from the infernos. The red life source of her foes spilled onto her black uniform and skin, along with the metal of her blades. Dancing, like the shadows once had, she broke through a line of enemies, saving a young couple, and continued to.

Adding onto the bloodshed, she flipped over the heads of two Obulein soldiers, severing their arms and rendering them useless in battle. As she landed, her hat was forced off of her head by some weapon that was thrown at her, and she spun around, killing the enemy as her hat hit the blood-stained earth. Keeping a smug look on, she jumped back, out of the way of a small bomb thrown at her.

Sheathing her swords, she made several back-flips, and landed on the shoulders of a female soldier. Snapping her neck, she pushed herself off of the body, and set her feet onto the floor. Ducking, she dodged small throwing knives, and kicked a soldier in the front of their legs with such a force that she broke them, making them drop to the floor. Getting up, she pulled out her swords, and started the massacre of enemy soldiers once again, giving the citizens of Cleaver enough time to take shelter at the camp up in the mountains before the reinforcements came.

In the process of doing so, she gained about a dozen wounds, cuts along her limbs, burns from the fires, and one fatal injury, a large slash across her back. Bleeding heavily, she still fought to stall the adversary from killing anymore townspeople or reaching the sanctuary. Losing focus and becoming dizzy, she fought with several more soldiers, even after they knocked her weapons towards the fires, making the metal extremely hot to the touch. Her fist connecting to one of their faces, she forced them into unconsciousness, and finished up with the others who stood in her way.

The fires continued to burn and destroy the homes and buildings, the blood had yet to cease spilling from dead or injured bodies, yet the screaming ceased. Struggling to keep her balance, she grew aware that in the annihilation of the threat, she was assisted by several others of her ally soldiers. Falling to the ground, out of breath and pale from blood loss, her attention was drawn to the many burning streets, as if fascinated by how it slowly diminished in size as it was eaten by the flames. She, as slowly as the buildings were burning, started to get up.

“- - out!” She caught on too late.

Propelled out of the way of a bomb much larger than the ones before, her skin was singed and soil was sent flying on and around her. Shocked and in pain, she faltered in gaining a standing position, and when she did, she was knocked to the ground by the debris caused by another explosion. Craning her head to a painful angle, she stared up at the army that was closing in on her. Unable to move, she could only watch as the enemy army marched over to where she lay on the blood-soaked ground. A few stopped before her, and chuckled to themselves, speaking an unfamiliar language. The kicked her over, resulting with her wound deepening and bleeding more, and coughing uncontrollably.

A gust of unnatural wind blew, making the soldiers topple over one another and few of the fires went out from the force of it. She flipped over, onto her stomach, dirt and small fragments of what remained of the town flying on her injured body. Shouts and curses from her adversaries followed after, along with several more powerful winds. The threat wasn’t wiped out, but delayed in their movements towards the boot camp, giving her the chance to sum up what strength she had left to get up.

When she stood up, she was joined by two others whom were on her side; two females. The one with bright hair handed her the swords she lost in battle as the female flicked her arm, sending another gust of wind. She held a fan in her one hand that soon snapped shut as she started to glare at the red-eyed soldier. “You never listen, D. Stay back or you’ll drop.”

D. spat a mixture of blood and saliva onto the charred remains of Cleaver, her eyesight betraying her for a moment as she watched the flames rekindle. Shaking, she turned her head to the army, losing strength with every beat of the organ within her chest. Taking a step forward, she nearly collapsed into the heap of rubble, having already pushed herself too much, before her fellow soldier halted her fall by catching her.

“My point’s proven.”  
PostPosted: Tue Mar 03, 2009 4:05 pm
Dark-RebL
I guess it's about time I made a post of my own. Well, here's a small tid-bit of the first chapter of my story.

It's not much, but it's there, hopefully for your entertainment and for you to...gain knowledge from?

I've no clue, so read on.


-Chapter One: D.hemonica-
~The ‘Ormolu’ Age~

- - -


The ( I have a slight question about this-- it seems from reading it, suddenly, the tense shifted for some odd reason to me. I mean, it seems you could have put 'had' here because it seems to be in the past, if you know what I mean, but then again, it seems to also be in the future-- I am sure you know what I mean. Clarification?) shadows danced on the ceiling, on the floor, and on the wall. They spun a tale of old folklore that told of epic battles and unforgotten tales of the past. Eyes, glazed with fascination, watched as they did so, the sound of the howling wind filling the silence.

Gasps erupted from the young combatants-in-training as a blast went off in the far distance. The explosion had come from the [insert direction] direction, where the town of Cleaver lay. Queries came along with those gasps, all directed to the only one who’d know what was going on.

The shadows ceased their dancing.

Red eyes opened in the darkness of the room, quieting the novices. Signaling a soldier standing by, she instructed him to keep watch over the trainees. While leaving the room, several more blasts echoed through the mountains. Ignoring the sounds of destruction, she continued to walk through the empty halls that were dimly lit. Opening a door, she walked outside, now aware of what time it was, for the sun started to sink below the horizon.

Her eyes wandered over to where the smoke rose to the sky, she reviewed her motives, and ran into the thick forest of the Gomand Mountains. As she ran, she took notice to the lack of nocturnal (I am sure you could use 'night', it'd flow better with this sentence. I am sure the readers of this particular book (due to ratings and such) would know nocturnal = night.) life, yet knew the reason for it. (I think you should re-write this sentence, the 'nocturna' one, it seems out of place.) Despite this fact, she continued to run, until she reached one of the many sides of the mountains. She stood on the edge of the cliff, which overlooked the town of Cleaver.

Fires were set on most of the rooftops, destroying valuables and other items contained in each building. The smell of bodies burning wafted up to where she stood. The smell of the smoke churned her insides. She surveyed the rest of what was left of the town, not liking what she saw. Screams, blasts, and other noises that she couldn’t recognize rang through the air. All that was happening heightened her senses, and made her frown, disgusted with the display of war in front of her. Traveling down the cliff, she ventured towards the destruction.

Reaching the the fire, she ran through. The fire had reached the small crop fields surrounding part of the town, and closer to the conflict. ( I don't really understand this sentence, please clarify with me.) The symphony (This word doesn't really fit within the sentence, so you can just use 'sound'.)of the chaos grew louder, the scent of death stronger, and the show (If you want to use 'show', 'symphony' and 'music', I guess, as metaphors then re-write the sentences so they make more sense, you'll have to alter the whole paragraph.)more vivid than before. Within seconds, she was in Cleaver, in the battle zone. Her hands went to her sides, and gripped the hilts of her swords that were already tainted with the blood of others. Jumping over a fence, she reached the main street of the town.

(I suppose you just re-write this sentence, you're trying to mix a lot of things in it, and it's not working out, rewriting it would help, not to mention clarifying with what you're trying to show, would help me edit-- since I don't understand.)

Civilians swarmed in masses of confusion as the buildings around them fell apart and collapsed around them. Soldiers ran about, herding them like animals. (Another sentence I have difficulty placing into this. Going with my notes, up ahead, I am sure you know what to do.) Blood poured onto the ground. ( Bodies fell into the blood below, some beginning to burn from the increase of heat.and the heat of the fires increased, making sweat appear on her forehead. ( (Okay, this one needs to be chopped into three sentences,I didn't know how to edit it because... well, I didn't know where you were headed with all of this, same goes for the sentence after this one. Re-write the paragraph. And you ought to know: Run ons are bad.)She ran into the midst of it all, more than prepared to die.

While slicing the backs of her enemies, she rescued what townspeople she could. She moved forward, red eyes glowing from the infernos. The red life source (Yeah... life force really doesn't go with this sentence.) of her foes spilled onto her black uniform and skin, along with the metal of her blades. Dancing, like the shadows once had, she broke through a line of enemies, saving a young couple, and continued to.

(Re-write the really green paragraphs, and make it flow.)


Since I like this story a lot, and I don't want to see it going to waste and I got your permission-- well, I decided to edit it and ask a few questions.

Edits are in bold.
Rewrites are in red.
Questions are in green.

EDIT: Grah. This is only as far as I got, I'm a bit paranoid at the moment, thinking I'm going blind... but I dunno, I just think I am tired. I have no idea. Well, from my edits, I am sure you can catch onto what you need to change and I believe, in your writing there is the word 'than' to fix from 'then'.
 

The Mysterious Gunslinger


UC Poika

Quotable Poster

2,500 Points
  • Member 100
  • Forum Regular 100
  • Forum Explorer 100
PostPosted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 7:27 am
Great story! Nice of Gunslinger to edit.  
Reply
Main Forum

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum