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 Posted: Mon Dec 29, 2008 11:26 am
Well at the heading suggests, this is a place to rant! if you have something on your mind please feel free to post! A few rules first though:
1. Please keep your cussing to a minimum, and cover it up with @%$*# when you do!
2. Abide by ToS please
3. Please DO NOT state specific names!Well that's all I can think of! So start your ranting! I hope It does some good!
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Posted: Tue Dec 30, 2008 2:17 pm
I just lost my bracelet Dx I've had that thing for years. I can't believe it. Sentimentally, everything is more important to me. I could care less about monetary value, honestly. Ugh, two f**king years, and I haven't taken that thing off. If I don't find it soon, I'm going to go crazy.
You know, it was terrible. Much of the jewelry I was accustomed to wearing, was from my ex. That left me with few pieces I can wear, that don't make me want to cry. This...sucks. >.<;
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Aya und Wolf Vice Captain
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Aya und Wolf Vice Captain
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Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2009 11:41 pm
You know, I do love to rant. I could likely make a rant based on my love of ranting. So I when I got that bracelet back, it was broken... crying
You know, I truly hate disappointment; whether it's my own, or that of someone else. To say "I am disappointed with you." is more wounding than to say "I am angry with you." in my opinion. So, my insecurities always lead me to believe that I am disappointing someone, specifically someone, in this case. I feel as if I'm inadequate half the time, and because of that I must create a void between that person and I. Now, this is unhealthy, I know, but it is natural. Please tell me, why all relationships are so difficult? That everlasting, romantic love that women do so love to faun over is a myth. If I have to stress it again, I will implode. Girls search out these perfect men, that do not exist. Be satisfied with a kind hearted soul, not 6'3" of pure muscle and egotism, who is good in bed. -_-
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Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2009 7:37 am
I am glad you found your bracelet though! *huggles* I'm sorry to was broken... crying I agree with you Aya! You should write a book of rants! O_O I like how you write them!
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Aya und Wolf Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Jan 08, 2009 3:21 pm
I wish I could. I rant quite often; So opposite to you. xD Really, I just express my thoughts, which are often long and drawn out. Hence, the rant! xp Though today, I am not sure. I feel a bit good, because I know I will finish my schooling soon, but on the other hand, I am loosing a friend that I used to consider close, because she makes horrible decisions, keeps secrets that she ends up babbling about later, and cannot keep a straight mind on what she wants. Though this is a process that has been happening for a while. By lying to me, she lost my respect.
Anyway, what is truly on my mind...hmm...My relationship is going well, I assume, despite the distance. Though at times I get the feeling that I will be a disappointment in person. Or perhaps, even worse, that I will not value that other as I do here. Personality is first, always and forever. I can't see that changing. But physical appearance is so imperative to men these days, what if I am not good enough? What if I am not anorexically thin, with beautiful light eyes, and such? It is such a weight on my mind. But I established the rule, whatever is expected of me, I will expect just the same. Is this harsh? I should think not.
o_O This thread may as well be called, "Aya's Useless Babble" xd
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Posted: Fri Jan 09, 2009 6:25 am
I rant, just not publically, I save that for a journal that keeps me up far later than my mother, or my body will support.
Congrats on the schooling! I'm sorry to hear about your friends though. And I know where you come from with the second half. I too worry about thinks like that. I know that I am not fit, I am not the slim beauty that I wish I could be, but that will never happen. My hair is a mess if I don't tie it up, it's too fluffy for my liking, but that is just us mainly being critical of ourselves. There should be someone out there who is right for you. Hopefully we can find those people who will love us how ever we look, and we will feel that for them as well!
That is the hope at least, that is what I hope to find. Someone who will love me no matter what happens, if I burn his dinner, if I mess up and have a miscarriage when that step comes, (Don't ask, it's in a book I'm reading...) if I am not a Hollywood beauty. I pray that he is somewhere out there waiting for me to be his first, just as he will me mine. I wish for that more than many things, that he is waiting so that together we can both enjoy the first time, and explore the curiosity of such. From the book I'm reading I am scared enough of the thought.
I want to get away from Montana, maybe, or at least go somewhere else, to some other part of Montana for college. I want to meet other new people and search for the perfect person for me, and hope he is not marked by others before me.
Sorry, I'm supper nervous about the topic, so when I get into it I fight it and this is what happens.
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Posted: Mon Jan 12, 2009 6:06 am
My mom wants to move us at some time to Oregon...I don't want to leave...not quite yet...She has wanted it for years though. I don't want her to be upset, I want her to move, but I don't want to move. She has no idea when the moving will occur, last night she was looking at house prices, and houses in the area....She's serious about wanting to move, and I can see that. The time though is still an issue. At this time I don't feel like a move would be good for me. I don't want to spent my senior year somewhere else! I want to graduate here with all the people I have been with since 3rd grade! I can't imaging leaving before senior year, what would be the point of graduating at another place if I knew no one there? I don't want to be the new person who has no memories of the high school she graduated. If my mom did leave before my senior year completed then I would plead with her to let me stay with my Grandma if I could!
I also don't want to leave behind my job, especially at a time like this where jobs are hard to come by! I love the people I work with, they are a second family during the summer! And the doctor took care of my Buddy... I have learn more from him than I have over the course of a school year, I swear! I don't want to leave that behind!
Then there is simply Montana, what is here? Montana is where my dad grew up. It is also where he left. I don't want to leave him behind, I can't leave him behind yet. I look over into the empty corner of the room, almost instantly I can remember. I can hear him sleeping, I can see his dark form there. If I moved then that would be lost...I don't want to forget him. Moving would make that harder...
And College, if I remain where I am in rank my first year at community college is free...except for books and all, but how can I pass that up? I would not want to pass up that opportunity... And then there is MSU, it is not far from where I live now. Or even another college in Washington that is not too far away, a few, maybe 4 hours drive...I sort of wanted to stay home during community college, but then move out and dorm for a bit. get my life straight, along with the experience. I also hope that by moving around is that I will find a new group of people, and maybe someone interesting... redface That was the experience I hoped to have here! I wanted to move out on my own, and greet the world, to prove that I could make it on my own. If we did move to Oregon then there is a college in the town. But it looks like it's main focus is in journalism and non-fictional writing as well as music and dance, neither are what I'm looking for! It's not like I have a problem staying at home, not in the least, I just want to feel what it is like living on my own. Mom, I think also wants to move to keep me in the house. So I don't leave so soon, and I don't have a problem with that, I just want to try it out. It would be cheaper to stay at home, most definitely, but I want to try it out, even for a year...
Is it 2 years in the future, is it 5? We don't know, this was only spoken of last night. I think I am the only one right now who does not want this to happen any time soon. I don't know what will happen, or when it will happen, I just hope that things won't change too dramatically, or too soon. I waned to leave and try out somewhere new. Maybe this is my chance. Maybe after my college and I am a Nurse or a Veterinarian then that would be the right time to move else where. It would be nice. But as of now I don't want to leave my friends, and my job, or my school and chances in the community college. You can't overlook a free year of tuition...That is the fact of it. And I know that mom want this, she may need it. But I may not always be able to follow her. Anyway I really shouldn't be stressing out about it. Nothing is decided, we have no time, or possible time. It is only a thought, but still I can't help but stress about it. When ever it happens it will be right for someone, and when that time comes, then things will get worked out. Eventually thing will be worked out. It just takes time, as I always say.
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Posted: Mon Jan 12, 2009 3:54 pm
Mint Meow I rant, just not publically, I save that for a journal that keeps me up far later than my mother, or my body will support.
Congrats on the schooling! I'm sorry to hear about your friends though. And I know where you come from with the second half. I too worry about thinks like that. I know that I am not fit, I am not the slim beauty that I wish I could be, but that will never happen. My hair is a mess if I don't tie it up, it's too fluffy for my liking, but that is just us mainly being critical of ourselves. There should be someone out there who is right for you. Hopefully we can find those people who will love us how ever we look, and we will feel that for them as well!
That is the hope at least, that is what I hope to find. Someone who will love me no matter what happens, if I burn his dinner, if I mess up and have a miscarriage when that step comes, (Don't ask, it's in a book I'm reading...) if I am not a Hollywood beauty. I pray that he is somewhere out there waiting for me to be his first, just as he will me mine. I wish for that more than many things, that he is waiting so that together we can both enjoy the first time, and explore the curiosity of such. From the book I'm reading I am scared enough of the thought.
I want to get away from Montana, maybe, or at least go somewhere else, to some other part of Montana for college. I want to meet other new people and search for the perfect person for me, and hope he is not marked by others before me.
Sorry, I'm supper nervous about the topic, so when I get into it I fight it and this is what happens.
Yeah...I have a few friends who have lost their virginity recently (They are all 18 and above, of course.) and from what I hear, it scares me deeply. Pain, possibility if pregnancy if you are not careful, the thought you are giving someone something that you can never take back, and that they are in complete control of you physically, is a very frightening thing.
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Aya und Wolf Vice Captain
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Aya und Wolf Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jan 12, 2009 4:24 pm
I can understand not wanting to move. My mother wanted us to move my Junior year as well. It was extremely depressing because as the time I was still dating Joel, which would have meant moving away from him, and leaving right before my LAST year of school seemed pointless to me.
Yes, there are certain things that take time to let go. I know that as well as you. As painful as those memories are, I know they give you a comfort just to have. Nostalgia is a wonderful, saddening thing.
Well, free college is always fantastic. That is certainly something you shouldn't give up because otherwise, you are going to be paying debts off for many years to come. If your mother just wants to keep you in the house, then that is a sad thing. To move out, and experience what "real" life is like, is a very important part of any developing teenager. We all have to do it at some point, and become acquainted with the world around us.
The fact is, you will be 18 this year, and that is a great step. At some point, and I know this is terrible to say, your mother will have to learn to let you go, or accept the decisions you want to make. Having a caring family is nice, but they have to compromise with what you want. When I was 17, my mother told me that if she moved, I'd have to go and I had no choice. It made me feel helpless and stranded, for lack of a better term; to know that I would have to leave behind everything that I knew, and follow her whims.
I understand that your family is undecided on the subject, but you are right to be worried about it. You cannot risk your happiness, and your ambitions, let alone your comfortability with your surroundings and that place that you were raised in, for what your mother needs. They are your family, but your family will be forced to realize your independence either now, or later under worse conditions. I hope this all works out for you.
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Posted: Mon Jan 12, 2009 9:53 pm
Aya_Teien I can understand being nervous about it. I am open about such things as we all know, and yes, I expect the same. But remember, personality is a key element to beauty. You can be decent looking, with a fantastic personality, and be beautiful. And vice versa, be very attractive physically, and have a terrible personality, which would make you ugly. I say this all the time but I wonder how many people actually take it to heart. We can only hope for appreciative men; and there are so few left. crying
Yeah...I have a few friends how have lost their virginity recently (They are all 18 and above, of course.) and from what I hear, it scares me deeply. Pain, possibility if pregnancy if you are not careful, the thought you are giving someone something that you can never take back, and that they are in complete control of you physically, is a very frightening thing.
I am sorry to hear about your friends... *shivers* Do you think it is worth it? Until marriage I don't think it is! I think it is sad if on your wedding night you cannot present yourself to your mate as being pure, untainted. That goes for both boys and girls! (ANOTHER POINT OF RANT! Why are guys who sleep around "studs" when women who do the same thing "sl**s"? Also a Bachelor a male who is unmarried when a female is a spinster!) I have not heard much about sex, not much at all, but from what I have heard it depends on the person who you are with. With someone who cares for you and is careful and conscious of your feelings and reactions then it is a good experience, but then if they are not careful or rough then it is not and very painful. I swear in only a few days time I learned a lot about the topic no matter how squeamish it makes me. That would be scare too, the feeling of being trapped if you realize it is not the right thing to do. You are at the mercy of the man you are with. And if they want it enough it is scary what can happen there. I can't imagine. Heck I feel sick laying back in a dentistry chair. It's just the feeling of having your belly exposed...And so much more in a case such as this. That is another thing now to add to the worry list, the lack of control... And the control they have over you. How scary is that? sad I guess the only way to really know is to ask those who have done it, but even that can be nerve racking... But the best way is experience, but only if it is with the person you are married to!
*****
Yes, she knows that it will have to come sooner or later, but that doesn't change anything. And with my father's passing I think that she is even more nervous about us breaking off to do our own things. I want to move out and try life on my own, but on the other hand that is a far lesser price to pay! So there is that to think about. I agree, but that can wait for later I suppose. My room is such a mess I wish I could try a hand at keeping an apartment clean, or what ever. I think that with a new chance I could do it and do it well!
We have talked about my leaving for college, and she took it personally when I said I wanted to go to a college away from home. She thought I wanted to leave her. But that was not the case at all! I just want to try life on my own, and to see how it works. To meet new people and try living without her help. I have a LOT to learn, but I don't want to upset her either, and with her being alone, I don't want her to be lonely!
My sister is accusing me of holding up her plans, because I want to stay behind and finish High School, i want to, if I am graced with it, Complete my free tuition of college! That is nothing to shake your head at! And she doesn't see that. It worst came to worst then I would ask If I could live with my Grandma. If that was the only way, the only thing I could do. But mom says she won't leave me behind, my sister only pushes the though farther. She has my mother's interest...but all the same now it not a good time to sell. That is a big problem too.
Thank you Aya. That makes me feel better. I wish though that certain people in my family could see that! The thing is that I want to get out of here someday, I don't want to be rooted here all my life. After I get done what I need to then I think I will be better about possibly moving. Especially when I am older. Where she wants to move there are things to do. There are clubs, places to hang out. Here there is very little to do for activity, so that would be very exciting! But at least for another two, maybe three years I an more ready to leave here. We probably couldn't, it is just a worry. Most likely unnecessary, but alas it is there. And it is what is on my mind. Thank you Aya! *huggles* And I am sorry to hear about your experiences.
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Aya und Wolf Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 1:51 pm
Yes, very much so. I myself an not particularly shallow, but I have to be attracted to the person physically. I could not date some one whom I found "ugly" honestly, as sad as that sounds. Either way, I would not date a jerk, with a great body. I really depends on the person. neutral
Yes, indeed. I haven't had sex but I've done a few things...and it really does depend on the person. If the man is gentle, then it will only hurt minutely. But yes, during the action, the man is thinking "Oh, this feels amazing..." and may not pay attention to the fact that it will hurt for the woman. Another reason to find someone who respects you and pays attention to such things.
_____________________
My experiences aren't that terrible honestly. xD We never moved, and now if it happened I would have nothing to loose but my closest friend; which is actually terrible. stare
Your sister has no right to accuse you of anything. She is younger, and has much less to loose. She is also probably thinking of her own wants, rather than your needs.
I can understand your mother is lonely. I can only imagine the pain that your family underwent with your father's death. You mother may not want to loose the last of her immediate family, and your leaving would be part of that. BUT, your schooling, and your future, is much more important. It is hard to let someone go knowing that they will be alone without you, but if the process doesn't happen in the next couple years, your mother will become more attached to you than needed, and she will never want you to leave. I know she is still hurting. To push forward without someone you have loved for years is a terrible task to bear...none the less, your immediate necessities will affect your future. You cannot leave that at stake because of what your family thinks they want.
No problem. I'm simply glad you talked about it. If it doesn't happen, more power to you. I hope they consider what you want before calling you selfish or anything of the like.
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Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 2:15 pm
You know, I find myself being unnecessarily cruel with him. When my mood is bad, it affects how I speak with him, and especially my patience level. I cannot understand how he remains so tolerant of me. He says it is acceptance, not tolerance, but how can any person willingly accept the bad habits of another? May it be a sign that he truly cares. All I wish for now, is the ability to contain my anger, frustrations, and mood alterations. I once lectured him on his temper, but I think now it's a bit hypocritical, as I may be the one who needs to improve. At times I wonder how much of a part I had in my last relationship's end; perhaps much of it is my fault. I am trying to be a more loving person, but I fear that love is not the issue; simply my need to lower what I expect of others. I do not want to drive him away. I have said many times before, that I have never met a person similar, and I would not like to loose that of my own volition. For all the time I have spent upset over the subject, and all the time he has spent helping me when I was distraught, it would be a terrible thing to loose him.
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Aya und Wolf Vice Captain
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xX Little Meow Xx Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:19 am
She was doing it more yesterday. "You're throwing a wrench in my plans! My plans are everyone's plans! You're ruining all of our plans!" I was on the verge of tears after school. I was so angry with many things that I feared talking about it would taint someone's imagine of me. I did not want to end up cussing at them because of my anger. Yes, she thinks for herself, she doesn't know yet what an opportunity I have presented to myself. Two years at least, after this school year. My mom is trying to tell her that we will need at least that time to even consider moving and getting ready for it. Once I finish what I need to then I think I will be more willing to leave.
I can see though what she is talking about. Even if we do move I was planning on going to a Montana University. But for that there would be dorm costs as well as food costs and personal necessities. That in itself is a great price on top of college and books and transportation. She says too that were she wants to move there are many intelligent people who live there. That also makes me happy, and there is life there. There are things to do where here there is hardly anything to do. There is a night life, night clubs and all things like that. That excites me. But it does sound like I have the time I need to finish off here and graduate and go to one year of college. It turns out also that I could get a bachelor in nursing there as well. I guess with this move that would be my job. As time progresses I am thinking that veterinary work is not going to be my profession...But I really don't know. That is another rant all together.
~~~~~~~~~~
You are what you are Aya, don't be ashamed of that, alright! If someone truly loves you then they will be able to get past complications because they do not want what you share to die. Everyone experiences anger, and frustration, as well as hurt. And sooner or later it must come out for the betterment of your health. He may truly care for you Aya. ^_^ Wouldn't that be cool? As for your last relation, I don't think that you are solely to blame. I do not know the story, but it is not a one person thing. We are judgmental people, and no one will judge you worse than you do yourself. You can find all the things in the world wrong with you, and they can upset you greatly, and make you a depressed person. My grandma is that way. She finds all of the things wrong with herself and then dwells upon them. It makes her depressed and in return for that it makes her sick of herself, and everyone around her feel the same! You don't need to lower your standards unless they are impossible to match. If you like someone like them! He seems like a good person, and if you like him then keep with him. He chose you. Take it as you wish, he seems important to you, so maybe let him know from time to time what you think about him. Remind him of your thoughts, maybe before a rant, or after one, but also randomly. That way he knows you care!
Something that I do when I get angry is I either try to ignore it, or I plant clued in what ever I'm doing. They are stupid little things, like placing no emotion into what I type. I have had to take care of myself for years, and detract myself when my parents where at the doctor's or what have you. It is stupid and childish I admit, it is something that I must work on...
((Sorry for all of these longs ones Aya!))
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Posted: Thu Jan 15, 2009 11:50 pm
Well, as said, your sister is still young. She couldn't possibly understand the stress you are going through with having to prepare for college, living expenses, etc. It is always good to get out and have fun. Especially you, with all of the work and responsibilities you are bombarded with. neutral
Just pursue what makes you happy! When I was younger I wanted to be a veterinarian very badly, but that changed over the course of time. So tell me, what is it that you are considering for a profession then?
________________
Many times I try to let him know how I feel, and that I regard him so highly, but I fear that it's not enough. I should simply try harder. AHHHHHH. But I just act so terribly when I get frustrated with him. gonk It is a process. I rant about it a great deal.
Yes, I find that I do the same. When I am angry I make it apparent. I leave small hints that I am upset, and if you know me well enough, it's easy to spot. That whole, not showing emotion thing, yeah...I do that as well when I'm not happy. Responsibility is a hard thing. It was always assumed that I was mature enough to take care of myself, and hold certain duties around the house and with my siblings. At times I value that, and appreciate the stress to an extent. It lets me know I am busy, and that I am accomplishing something. But there are those days where I just want to fall down and sleep.
That is another issue with him. I am less inclined to talk on MSN because half the time I'm trying to do other things. Speaking on the phone is much more convenient for me, but much more taxing for him. Ugh, there must be a compromise somewhere. *shakes fist*
(( That's prefectly fine. My posts are about as long. The font is just smaller. smile ))
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Aya und Wolf Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Jan 17, 2009 3:21 pm
Well if being a veterinarian does not work then I wish to be a nurse. ^_^ Either way I am helping people, So that is important to me, as long as I am helping something. It may actually be a better job for me mentally to be a nurse, because I can get so quickly attacked to animals, much more so than people... It is sad, but that is how I am, an animal will not intentionally harm you, most times, but on the other hand humans can, they can hurt you in so many ways, and that is why I am more an animal person than a human person. I am also not very social, and sometimes not very active. Humans will judge me, but animals will not, as much anyway. They don't care how you look, who you are, what sort of music you listen to, or what you do when you're not about people. I mean thee are amazing creatures, great companions! But all the same I love animals more than I do humans, to being a nurse may actually be better for me possibly. And if I do take that path then so be it, I may have more opportunity. It will be good pay, I can get a job pretty much anywhere, so even If I would have to move for my family then there would most likely be a job for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, but isn't that the way of conversation and relationships? If you two agreed on everything and never had any conflict it would be boring! Right? So maybe the conflict is keeping you both together... Is that a possibility?
Isn't it funny how emotions are, and how they are different for every person? My anger is something that annoys me, it is so silly making other point out "Oh she's not happy, what's wrong?" It's a very mean thing to do, and most of the time people are aloof to the fact that you want them to ask, "What's wrong?"
Ya, about that, hm....well if your phone was a cell phone then you could set it up so your phone would receive text messages...? Maybe... I'm not sure...
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