Okay so I have an essay due tomorrow. And I just want a little more feedback before I do the final draft.
Would anyone please care to read it and give me feedback? Here is the essay:
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I Could Care Less
Everyone all loves something in this world, their family, friends, possessions, the list goes on. I love my life. I have gone through many battles in my life, we all have. I have won some and I have lost some. There is however one battle I am still fighting; the battle is going on inside me whether to tell people my biggest secret or just stay quiet. I have told many people my secret and many have “loved” me even more. I tend to not care about people and their opinions about me because it is my life and why should they care. My life is something I adore, but I do regret telling my sister that my biggest secret in my life is being a homosexual.
Whether we like it or not, we have all have kept secrets, some so petty that they hardly make a dent, or some so deep that even one’s friends and family take two steps back. I never really took into consideration about what people would do if they found out I was gay, and to be frank, I could care less. I have heard of people getting kicked out, getting beat up “gay bashers”, and even losing their friends. Getting thrown out of my house or losing my friends would hurt me terribly, but I knew that wouldn’t happen to me. I am the kind of guy who does not care about what people think of me. I always told myself, “It is my life, not anyone else’s.” If they wanted to disown me, fine, one less person to worry about. I am not a person who takes any sympathy. Being a burden is not what I like to be, I like to stand on my own two feet.
We all trust someone in this world whether a family member, a friend, or even a complete stranger. If one knew me, they would say that I am not that open to my family or anyone else for the matter. I am not an open book for anyone to read, but eventually I will be pried open. I was sitting with my sister in her car and she was rambling on about her relationships about her former boyfriends. I listened, like I always do when she tells me something. We got onto the subject of my relationships, I don’t know what possessed me, and I just blurted “I’m gay” out. Many homosexually related people would feel relieved; however, I on the other hand felt nothing. She thought I was joking; she made me look into her eyes and tell her the truth. She started saying how she supports me and how she’s more protective now, that is when I realized I made the mistake.
In my opinion I thought my sister and I had a good relationship, we would talk to each other about random stuff. Although the conversation would mostly be about her boyfriends, I wouldn’t mind, I’m a good listener and I sometimes I gave her advice. Every once in awhile she would ask me what I think of the boy, do I like him, do I think he’s right for her. I would respond with the cliché, “What do you think, do you like him?” That question always got her mad. We communicated well, she would come to me with a problem and I would tell her what to do. I was fine with her coming to me every once in a while because it wasn’t constant, I had my space to think for myself. It was nice.
When my sister told me that she supports me, I was fine, it was when she started saying she’ll take me to “gay places” and anything gay related. That’s when I regretted telling her I am gay. I didn’t want her to do take to places relating of homosexuality, I don’t want anyone to do take me to places relating to homosexuality! Just because I am gay does not mean that one has to take me anywhere homosexually related. She then started opening up more and wanted to know more about me. I don’t mind, but there is a limit to me. Instead of asking me what my opinion on the guy was, she would start asking me if I thought he was hot or cute. That started to irritate me because every conversation we had now, it was only questions about the guy or some fashion advice; she would ask me if her pair of shoes with her clothes, vice versa. In all honesty, telling my sister my sexual orientation has affected my life in a way I lament. Since she now knows, I know she’ll eventually bring the topic up of me being gay in any place possible. Since then I’ve had thoughts enter my mind; for instance, I now want to heave a punch to her face. She hints my orientation when my parents are around, saying so-and-so is coming over, and does she even realize it? Of course she does, she will do it on purpose just to tease me. Of course I usually just play it off by saying, “whatever” or making a rude comment. Opening up to her is something I regret doing, the constant teases and asking for “fashion advice” has gotten on my nerves. Every other day she eventually comes into my room and ask which outfit looks better, I have gotten my revenge on her sometimes by telling her the opposite of what I “think” looks good.
I never told my sister about me regretting telling her, I never will. I have learned to deal with it and just shake off all the comments she makes. She, in a way, has helped me. By absorbing her attitude, I think I’ve become stronger in sticking with the quote, “It’s my life, no one else’s.” When I tell people now about my homosexuality and see their reactions I tend to usually just wait for their response, and if they say nothing, whether they accept me for who I am or not, I usually walk away. Because with each person I tell I get to see who they really are, and to me that tells me if they really do love me or not. I am uncomfortable with the subject coming up though, because to be honest, what I’m I supposed to say about me being gay? People who I have told never bring the subject up, it makes me feel relieved. I’m not worrying about the subject because they accept me. Not everyone will accept me, I’m fine with that, and it makes me see people for who they really are.
I am myself, no one can change that. I’m a homosexual male, what of it? People shouldn’t be judged on anything but their morals or values. But it is because of this world and people’s attitudes that make me stronger for who I am. I’ve learned to deal with my sister; it still disturbs me sometimes the way she will make the “gay” comments. Her attitude made me better understand me, I do regret telling her, but maybe not telling her I would have still been weak in myself.
-------------------------------------
Okay. This is roughly around 4 pages. Here's what I'm looking for if anyone is willing to help.
Thesis: I underlined my thesis. My teacher say this is a strong thesis, but to be honest I don't like it! I don't like how I worded it.
Sentence Structure: I feel that some of my sentences are out of place.
More Info/Expand: I think I should expand on a few things.
Those are what I think I need help on, anyone willing to help.
Now before you say anything, this isn't the final draft!!! I'm working on it right now. I just would like to know some of your guys' input so that it can be better.
I still have more stuff to add, like my sister's age(20) and my parents not knowing.
Please read and comment. I appreciate it! Thanks you guys!
Would anyone please care to read it and give me feedback? Here is the essay:
-----------------------------
I Could Care Less
Everyone all loves something in this world, their family, friends, possessions, the list goes on. I love my life. I have gone through many battles in my life, we all have. I have won some and I have lost some. There is however one battle I am still fighting; the battle is going on inside me whether to tell people my biggest secret or just stay quiet. I have told many people my secret and many have “loved” me even more. I tend to not care about people and their opinions about me because it is my life and why should they care. My life is something I adore, but I do regret telling my sister that my biggest secret in my life is being a homosexual.
Whether we like it or not, we have all have kept secrets, some so petty that they hardly make a dent, or some so deep that even one’s friends and family take two steps back. I never really took into consideration about what people would do if they found out I was gay, and to be frank, I could care less. I have heard of people getting kicked out, getting beat up “gay bashers”, and even losing their friends. Getting thrown out of my house or losing my friends would hurt me terribly, but I knew that wouldn’t happen to me. I am the kind of guy who does not care about what people think of me. I always told myself, “It is my life, not anyone else’s.” If they wanted to disown me, fine, one less person to worry about. I am not a person who takes any sympathy. Being a burden is not what I like to be, I like to stand on my own two feet.
We all trust someone in this world whether a family member, a friend, or even a complete stranger. If one knew me, they would say that I am not that open to my family or anyone else for the matter. I am not an open book for anyone to read, but eventually I will be pried open. I was sitting with my sister in her car and she was rambling on about her relationships about her former boyfriends. I listened, like I always do when she tells me something. We got onto the subject of my relationships, I don’t know what possessed me, and I just blurted “I’m gay” out. Many homosexually related people would feel relieved; however, I on the other hand felt nothing. She thought I was joking; she made me look into her eyes and tell her the truth. She started saying how she supports me and how she’s more protective now, that is when I realized I made the mistake.
In my opinion I thought my sister and I had a good relationship, we would talk to each other about random stuff. Although the conversation would mostly be about her boyfriends, I wouldn’t mind, I’m a good listener and I sometimes I gave her advice. Every once in awhile she would ask me what I think of the boy, do I like him, do I think he’s right for her. I would respond with the cliché, “What do you think, do you like him?” That question always got her mad. We communicated well, she would come to me with a problem and I would tell her what to do. I was fine with her coming to me every once in a while because it wasn’t constant, I had my space to think for myself. It was nice.
When my sister told me that she supports me, I was fine, it was when she started saying she’ll take me to “gay places” and anything gay related. That’s when I regretted telling her I am gay. I didn’t want her to do take to places relating of homosexuality, I don’t want anyone to do take me to places relating to homosexuality! Just because I am gay does not mean that one has to take me anywhere homosexually related. She then started opening up more and wanted to know more about me. I don’t mind, but there is a limit to me. Instead of asking me what my opinion on the guy was, she would start asking me if I thought he was hot or cute. That started to irritate me because every conversation we had now, it was only questions about the guy or some fashion advice; she would ask me if her pair of shoes with her clothes, vice versa. In all honesty, telling my sister my sexual orientation has affected my life in a way I lament. Since she now knows, I know she’ll eventually bring the topic up of me being gay in any place possible. Since then I’ve had thoughts enter my mind; for instance, I now want to heave a punch to her face. She hints my orientation when my parents are around, saying so-and-so is coming over, and does she even realize it? Of course she does, she will do it on purpose just to tease me. Of course I usually just play it off by saying, “whatever” or making a rude comment. Opening up to her is something I regret doing, the constant teases and asking for “fashion advice” has gotten on my nerves. Every other day she eventually comes into my room and ask which outfit looks better, I have gotten my revenge on her sometimes by telling her the opposite of what I “think” looks good.
I never told my sister about me regretting telling her, I never will. I have learned to deal with it and just shake off all the comments she makes. She, in a way, has helped me. By absorbing her attitude, I think I’ve become stronger in sticking with the quote, “It’s my life, no one else’s.” When I tell people now about my homosexuality and see their reactions I tend to usually just wait for their response, and if they say nothing, whether they accept me for who I am or not, I usually walk away. Because with each person I tell I get to see who they really are, and to me that tells me if they really do love me or not. I am uncomfortable with the subject coming up though, because to be honest, what I’m I supposed to say about me being gay? People who I have told never bring the subject up, it makes me feel relieved. I’m not worrying about the subject because they accept me. Not everyone will accept me, I’m fine with that, and it makes me see people for who they really are.
I am myself, no one can change that. I’m a homosexual male, what of it? People shouldn’t be judged on anything but their morals or values. But it is because of this world and people’s attitudes that make me stronger for who I am. I’ve learned to deal with my sister; it still disturbs me sometimes the way she will make the “gay” comments. Her attitude made me better understand me, I do regret telling her, but maybe not telling her I would have still been weak in myself.
-------------------------------------
Okay. This is roughly around 4 pages. Here's what I'm looking for if anyone is willing to help.
Thesis: I underlined my thesis. My teacher say this is a strong thesis, but to be honest I don't like it! I don't like how I worded it.
Sentence Structure: I feel that some of my sentences are out of place.
More Info/Expand: I think I should expand on a few things.
Those are what I think I need help on, anyone willing to help.
Now before you say anything, this isn't the final draft!!! I'm working on it right now. I just would like to know some of your guys' input so that it can be better.
I still have more stuff to add, like my sister's age(20) and my parents not knowing.
Please read and comment. I appreciate it! Thanks you guys!
