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Beatrix the catgirl

PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 11:19 pm


Married life is tough. Especially when my husband is so self centered still.

See, my husband is still only thinking of himself. Why? Because that's all he had to think about when we were just dating. He throws his things on the floor, doesn't clean up after himself, and loses him temper when I ask him to do something. He doesn't realize that us being in a marriage, we have to think of each other now, not just ourselves. We're no longer dating living in our seperate homes. We're married, we're living together, we have to make compromises. If I ask him something, I don't want to be looked upon as a burden.

Also, he tends to use the excuse that he works all day, to be the reason why he can't do anything around the house. Which ticks me off, because he knew fully well that I wasn't going to be working because I'm about six months pregnant now. But that doesn't mean I have to do everything. I don't mind washing the dishes or doing the laundry, but I DON'T want to go around picking up after him all day long. I just can't.

It gets so frustrating, because I don't want to turn this into a full fledged argument. I just want him to stop thinking about himself and actually think about me. It's already after 11 pm, and he's not even home yet. I know where he is, but I don't like staying alone all night long waiting for him.

Any advice on how I can make things better?
PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 12:24 am


If you don't mind, may I ask a couple of questions to clarify?

How old are you and your husband?

And how long have you been married?

badloki


Beatrix the catgirl

PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 1:54 am


badloki
If you don't mind, may I ask a couple of questions to clarify?

How old are you and your husband?

And how long have you been married?
I don't mind at all.

I'm 18, my husband is 24.

And we're still newly married, only a little over a month now.
PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 7:36 am


Marriage is about compromise, on both sides. Maybe you can ask him to pick up his things in the morning before he goes to work? If you just chat with him, in a calm cool voice, and don't use any harsh words, he shouldn't get too angry. You just need to reach a compromise you can both be slightly happy with
Good luck <3

Anaher-x


Captain_Sipid_Peabody

PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 9:16 am


[ Message temporarily off-line ]
PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 11:55 am


I think every newlywed couple has to adjust to living with each other.

You just have to gradually ease into it.

Just my two cents. :0

thisshitisoldandgottago


Soleq
Captain

PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 1:43 pm


Marriage is, for lack of better words, a continuous flurry of small uphill battles. People who have been married for ages usually have one commonality: they've learned to choose their battles wisely and ignore the rest. I've seen it in my marriage as well. For instance, I too tend to leave crap all around the house. Sure, my wife nags me on it occationally, but for the most part she's pretty good at not creating a huge issue out of it. Likewise, I've told my wife countless times that she should put the toothpaste cap back on when she's finished. That started 4 years ago, and still today she forgets. Instead of going after her each morning and night, I've just come to live with the fact that I brush my teeth after she does, and I make sure to close it. Problem solved.

In other words, if you stick with him, you'll eventually create routines that should minimize any potential problems, or you'll learn to just live with it. Having to pick up his crap is a pain, I know from experience, but it's a relatively minor problem. Just be glad you don't have to worry about disease, money, trust, or inlaws.
PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 2:24 pm


From my own experience, it takes some time to get used to even being married.

I was married at 18 (my husband was 20). And eventhough we dated for 3 years prior to that, we still didn't know everything about each other until we lived together after we were married.

It's not until you live with someone that you get to truely know all their little quirks and habits. There were things I didn't know about my husband until we lived together and there were things he didn't know about me either. So these things take some adjusting too. So just give that time. If he came straight out of living at home with his family to living with you, he may be used to his mother or someone doing certain chores around the house, so you may just need to simply sit down and have a discussion about these things and set up a schedule or arrangement of sorts.

As for the "being tired after a long day at work" thing... well, I gotta somewhat agree with Captain Sipid on this. I too am a stay at home mom, so my husband is the one out working. And when he gets home from his rather laborious job after a 10 (or more) hour shift, he is exhausted. And, yes, it is frustrating at times, but he's only human. He's not a robot. So try and cut your husband some slack there, 'cause chances are his is tired.

Now, my situation is a bit different than your's in that I have 2 toddlers running around non-stop, so I am exhausted too at the end of along day dealing with the kids, and he understands that because we've discussed this at length. While my job may not be as physically demanding as his, it IS mentally and emotionally demanding, so he does his best to pull his weight with the kids and give me breaks when he can.

So enjoy the peace you have while you got it. 'Cause once your kiddo is born, you're gonna have your normal chores to do in addition to dealing with a baby. Also, now would be the best time to come to an agreement with your husband about household chores and baby-breaks... before the baby arrives. That will be one less thing to be tense about, trust me!

badloki


deadp00l7217

PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 5:11 pm


Well, I think you should definitely talk to him about it because this is what's going to happen. You seem to be mad about it right now and if you don't talk about it it'll probably just get worst. Maybe he doesn't even know because you haven't told him? I mean, some people can be pretty dumb like that.

I honestly believe in an equal partnership as far as work/jobs and things go. If a woman were to stay at home and not work than it should be her job to keep the house clean so long as the man goes to work and provides for the family. If a man were to stay at home and not work than it should be his job to keep the house clean so long as the woman goes to work and provides for the family. So, if he works all day then you should do some things around the house.

I don't think it's right of him to complain and give you any looks about it though. I mean, the person going to work should have to help out a little when they get home. Just because they work doesn't mean they can have a beer and throw it on the floor when they're done, you know?

So, just talk to him about it before it gets to a fight. Bring up all the issues that you're having with it and try to at least come to a compromise.
PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 11:32 pm


[ Message temporarily off-line ]

Beatrix the catgirl


Miss_Mad_Hatter87

PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 9:33 am


I think it's just a matter of working things out.. when you tell him next.. just be like let's just sit down and talk. You both need to work things out. communication is the key. So when you feel like it's the 100% perfect timing to have a talk with him then do it. when you address him be like, honey can we please talk for a moment there are some things that are bothering me and I want us to be happy and i love you.. and all that good stuff. you know.. just say it calmly and nicely. Hopefully that will help. Hopefuly i helped!!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 2:38 am


GEtting used to living together is a very common thing for newly weds. Tossing a pregnancy into the mix early on is not easy either. Talking is important but aproaching the talk is important too... Try not to jump him with your issues as soon as he is home form work. Guys are tired at the end of a shift and need time to mentally shift gears into home life. Do do your best to have a hot meal on the go and be ready to greet him warmly and show him how much you apreciate him being home. Let him have some time to come in and settle down. Once he is fed, then mension that you have some thing you would like to discuss and would this be a good time to talk. If not then plan a time say on the days off when you can talk about it.

The not picking up after themselves is a big issue with a lot of men... to some the idea of a laundry basket is an alien concept. I put my hubby's basket on his side of the bed and explained what it was and what it was for. He told me he knew what it was and why was I explaining it to him. I commented that it was empty but the floor right beside it was littered with dirty clothing. He looked at it, looked at the clothing and said nothing but put them in the basket. I mensioned that I would like that to happen more often.

He may not realize that pregnancy takes its tole, and a new baby even more so. I would not make a fight about it, but rather take it to him as a problem you need solved. Explain your concerns about what happens when the baby comes along, when you are so big with baby you can no longer see the clothing on the floor let alone your feet! Let him know how dangerous a fall would be to you and his unborn child. This is all new to him and he may honestly not realize what a hazard it is. Plan together a way to make things better for you both. As with kids guys do better when they have a hand in the plan.

I sympathize with you on the hating to be alone at night thing, My first husband worked till the wee hours too... but THEN he went out to friend's homes to hang out... so instead of comming in at two am, he would leave me till 4, 5 or even 6 in the morning. I was over due, did not know where to reach him and had a 17 month old at home as well. That was inconciderate and selfish. He was abusive and the marriage did not last. At least with husband number 2 we take time to talk, he does help around the house, and even when he was working he also took time to help out with weekly chores around the house. But we had to talk about what needed to happen, and that had to wait until he was not exausted from a long hard day at work.

Krystlanna


ConcreteAngel

PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 2:05 pm


It will probably be rough for a while. Try to sit down together and talk calmly about what you both think should happen. Remember why you got married and try to be patient. Compromise goes both ways, true he should learn to pick up after himself more but maybe you could lighten up a bit about it so he doesn't get mad about it.
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