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 Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 3:51 am
Where does it begin... the disconnect... the dysfunction? and how many times must I go over each word, trying to understand where things went wrong? Perhaps I'm looking at the wrong moment in time. So desperate to make things like they were before... but were they ever really like I remember them? Was it simply all a concoction of my hopeful heart or some emotional delusion? How many times must I ask myself what I could have done or said differently? It's no use.
Devastation all around me and as much as I long to pick up the pieces and make it all like it was before, there's no denying things have changed. I close my eyes and everything starts spinning around me. I feel an urge to run, but try as I might, I can't see a path and my legs won't move. Spinning downward, I feel myself drowning. I struggle to break surface, but I keep getting pulled under.
I catch a glimpse of you and for a moment, hope is restored. I hold my breath and wait to see the sun break through and chase the darkness away, but it never comes. Silently, hope dwindles and disappears and I'm alone again... without you.
And there it is, you asked for me to pour my heart out to you and nothing's changed.
Successfully buried~!!!!!!!!
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Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 8:16 pm
I never understood the words as they left my mouth, a drowning of my own exasperated rambling. All the hints, all the blatant clues, enough to make Watson weep and Sherlock pull his hair, I missed them all. I didn't see it, couldn't see it, simply wouldn't. The coulda, shoulda, woulda of it all just feels like ash on my tongue. The taste bitter, the aftertaste like old burning.
I look at all the pieces I left and wonder how I broke it. How could I be so clumsy and hamfisted? You should have just run and never looked back. I feel as though I am in the back of my own mind, watching my own mistakes without recourse to stop myself.
I hurt you, broke you, rent you asunder, then have the urge to just stand here stupidly as if I just woke up to find it all murdered around me. I knew what I was doing, right? I saw it all coming. I held the knife, I saw the flesh, I felt the blood but what was I doing? Am I just destined to stick my finger in the light socket only to be shocked like a fool?
You gave my everything, showed me everything but was it the truth. The lies cooed in my ears felt like just as good as my name on your lips. The tone of your voice promising all the things I should never do but yearned in my own sick way. I knew better but I moved forward anyway.
You poured your heart as I did mine but we are left with nothing. It ended, I ended it, committing my last crime upon you. Like a rapist, I just left you there to bleed while I lick my wounds you gave me in your defense. Do I really understand? Do I know enough to not do it again? You are right to hate me, bury me, deride me, and now you're gone.
The right things have happened but why do the right things always leave the deepest scars?
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Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 10:34 pm
Miles apart, separated by an ocean of my tears. To see you, to touch you to taste you. You had to go, and I never could ask why. It felt as if you were never even here. You have taken my heart, left me with nothing to feel.
I stare out over the ocean, following the luminescent trail left by the moon. You couldn’t be with me, you had other plans. I have asked to have my heart back, did you have to take it with you? Yet, I do not know, if to have it back would help. Do I want to have these feelings again?
I still roll over to hold you in my arms, but my arm just falls upon an empty part of bed. You were there in my dreams. Even now I still believe I’m holding you. You are gone and separated, moved on with ease.
I am here looking to the distance, feeling the sea breeze. I still belong to you, yet we cannot touch. I will never see you again, you wouldn’t want it. Till I get my heart back, you still own me.
I look down to the bottom of the cliff, and see the water lapping upon the jagged rocks. You will never come to me, I cannot get to you. I let my final tear fall down disappearing into the eternal blue, I take a final breath and then step forward to follow my tears.
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Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 8:29 am
The poet in me weeps, the child just died, and the man just doesn't know what to do. I've seen the letters of your past and the whims of your future. I was just a phase, a flavor to be tasted and left behind. I don't know if I should envy or pity the other I have read about. Is he as desperate as me? Does he feel what I feel? Is he empty too?
My arms lay at my side like dead castaways, knowing the futility of reaching out... Knowing that you won't be there. Does that matter? Why can't I move on? I admit my mistakes, they feel etched into my skin like a testament of my crimes upon you.
What holds me back? Knowing that I hurt you or that I wasn't the only one? A vein of possessive lust or guilt drives me and I go mad not knowing which. Should I sympathize with my counterpart or arrogantly brush him aside in my mind and move forward? Too many questions and they are all the same, a mockery of my psyche trying to handle what I did and what I want.
Perhaps he deserved you and I am just the fool, the demon who you escaped. Perhaps his crimes were worse and you need me. Does anybody need me? With a lost heart and heavy body, I move forward to find you and maybe him.
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