|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Adorkable Monster Captain
|
 Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 10:59 am
I began this out of boredom and it's very good . I have a rudimentary plot but I feel I need more ideas to help it up. Any suggestions? I would love to hear them blaugh
NO stealsys please heart
CHAPTER 1
new student
Beth Montgomery yawned and turned the page in her book; it was a story called Vampire Dairies and was by one of her more favorite authors. She always had three things with her the very things that kept her sane in this world she didn’t understand nor wanted to be a part of. Those were her gum, -any flavor- her music and her books all used to further alienate herself from the human world and delve into her own twisted and warped one.
She wore her usual attire of gothic style clothing of an all black shirt with skulls and a cross belt that looped snugly along her small chest. Her mini skirt was skull styled as well with a ragged looking edge for the border. She wore brown combat boots with deadly looking spikes on the bottom with her favorite pair of black long socks of which she had sewn on a small skull and crossbones to the shin of her left one. She had tripped yesterday as well going up her stairs to the 372nd dorm and had a band aid on one knee. Her hair she which she dyed pink was kept long and it was usually kept in low pigtails on each side of her head. As for accessories she wore a black dog collar with a relatively large cat metal charm that rested on the top of her chest, she wore skull and crossbones hair ties and had three piercings on her ears 2 on one side and 3 on the other and was considering getting her lip pierced.
She never spoke much unless she was talking to one of her friends. But as Beth came here yesterday and set up her room with posters of her favorite band, HIM and its lead singer Ville Valo and changed everything to a techno colored paradise, she was force to leave behind all of them of which she had many. But little did anyone know that all her friend were animals, the only ones she felt accepted her and understood her. Beth would talk to them often and they would talk to her back and they would come to her when ever they got hurt for she would heal them instantly relieving all their pains.
She snapped her pink cherry bubble gum and regretfully closed the book. She slid it into her Emily the Strange mini backpack and slipping on her shoes, walked out the door and into the halls to explore her new surroundings and maybe meet a few animals that could be her companions in the unbearable days sure to come ahead. As she stepped out of the door she checked her Barbie pink hair which was in to long pigtails and finding satisfactory closed the door behind her then proceeded to dig through her pack for her green 4k iPod mini. Finding it she promptly put the small buds into her ears and turned it on. It was only 1 of 3 of her iPods and all but the last were completely full of all different music this one though held all her favorite music including ALL of the songs of her favorite bands. Which included HIM of course but featured others like My Chemical Romance, Marilyn Manson, The Used, Linkin Park, Unspecial, Simple plan, Sugarcult, All American Rejects, Three Days Grace, and The Rolling Stones just to name a FEW.
She found herself near a large and noisy indoor pool but uninterested she walked past it out the side glass door and into the sun and leaned against the chain link fence that separated her from the small but boisterous group within. Watching them frolic while she listened to the late summer birds chatter in silence. They also disliked the noise and she chuckled a soft inaudible chuckle meant only for herself. Soon she was done listening to even the incessant talk of the finches and dug out her Vampire book once more to indulge herself in feeble fantasy.
Out of the corner of her eye Beth noticed the Dean, a chubby stout built type of man, walking in her general direction. She closed her book with a sigh and headed in the opposite direction before he could notice her. No such luck. “Where do you think you are going young lady?” , Said a rough voice from behind her. She stopped and looked behind her with a bored yawn. She was as much a fan of authority as any other teen, if not less, but she knew that rules were kept in place for following...no matter how pointless or stupid they were in her view.
She turned completely facing him as if she were about to speak but instead held her customary silence. “Well? Answer me. You can’t just walk around campus without your uniform.” She looked at him annoyed her left hand resting with a slight grasp on her right elbow. “I’ll Change.” She said simply before turning to walk away once more. The dean laid a fat hand on Beth’s shoulder before warning her. “If You break the rules one more time we will have to call you parents understood?” She glared at the pompous man over her thin shoulder. To her he was just a coward in a place of power not deserving of her respect. She stopped again. “Mole hair.”She said calmly The man gave a questioning look obviously directed to her sanity. “What?” She turned and pointed at a big brown mole on his chin that had a knarly gray hair growing straight out of the center. “Mole hair.” She repeats grasping the end of it and with a tug pulled it from its host.
Beth watch as the Dean’s face turns purple with a combination of embarrassment and fury before turning swiftly on her heel and towards her dorm once more. Along the way back, She found a bench underneath a shady maple tree and sat down. She boredly turned up the volume and spit out her old piece of gum only to replace it with a newer piece, this time instead of cherry she picked original flavor and was soon chewing away happily staring up at the deep blue sky through the cracks in the green leaves above.
She closed her eyes to the subtle warmth of the sun, her thoughts miles away from Black Butterfly University of the Gifted and back home with all her furry friends and her barely existent in her eyes parents. She remembered days sitting by the cool pond on her favorite rock talking to all the animals who wandered by. She would sing to them and laugh when they told her something funny. Animal never seem to have humor like humans did which suited her just fine because she never got most human jokes and riddles herself.
She yawned shaking her daydream from her mind. She turned off her iPod and got up stretching like a cat towards the sky. It was past noon and she really didn’t feel like going to class today, so she headed toward her dorm building to take a nap she knew she wouldn’t be bothered because the room she was assigned to didn’t have a roommate for her…not yet anyway. Blessings as good as that surely couldn’t stay for long.
CHAPTER 2
Room mate
She made it back up the stairs to her dorm with the number 372 in shiny lettering on its front. She reached for the doorknob but stopped when she thought she heard a noise inside. She froze, her hand inches from the handle listening intently. There is was again a scuffing noise of movement and what sounded like a grunt. She dug her small metal key from out of her purse’s front pocket and slowly opened the door to investigate. What she found was a girl about her age moving her stuff away and replacing it with her own. “Intruder.” She stated calmly thought excessively agitated by the fact that the girl was moving her stuff.
The girl looked up and grinned at her momentarily before she took in Beth’s gothic style appearance. “Hey could you help me with these boxes? They are very heavy.” Said the golden blonde girl. She wore a simple red tank top and denim mini shorts. Her hair was kept in a simple tie behind her head. On her wrist was a dog tag necklace doubled up, on the other was a light colored piece of cloth tied neatly. She had a thin piece of string tied loosly about her neck ending in a tiny pendant the color of rose. ‘Oh great I have a roommate and she is a sporty prep. How…nice.’ Beth thought to herself sarcastically with a sigh. I walk over and push the box easily into the walk in closet. The girl shook her head and walked over. “No, no. It doesn’t go there put it here, so that I can go through it later and put my stuff away.” She pointed to a spot and I slid it over there. “I am not a mule.” She said looking up and sitting herself on her small bed.
“Well sorry I just figured you wanted to help. Anyways my name is Briette Summers. Nice to meet you.” She stuck her hand out for her to shake. Beth ignored it and instead simply stated her own name. “So you’re Beth Montgomery huh? Where do you come from?” Asked Briette politely. “Unnecessary.” Was the only reply she gave. “Well aren’t you the talkative type.” She sighed ‘Of the all the weirdo’s in this school why did I have to end up with this one.’ Briette thought to herself. Her stomach grumbled and she figured she wound go down to the cafeteria and eat seeing as it was past noon and all. She quickly slipped into her school uniform and was out the door.
Briette waiting in line hungrily for a meal to fill her belly. Soon it was her turn and she picked up a tray and filled it full of macaroni and cheese. She sat on the end of a nearby table and started on her meal. Surprisingly enough It was pretty good. She soon had finished nearly half of it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 1:45 pm
That's really good! I love your writing style. You described the characters really well. The only thing I could suggest is that during the dialogue between the characters it would be helpful to seperate what the two characters were saying by putting it in different paragraphs. Otherwise it was really really good. I look forward to reading more!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Adorkable Monster Captain
|
Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 8:26 pm
Thanks for the input ^_^ I always have trouble with that little bit. I guess I should try practicing it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 4:42 pm
I like it.... it is interesting to say the least..... I think i should post my story in here.... But I do agree with seperating the characters speech.. Otherwise the descriptive detail is perfectly done.. you'd of made some of my college professors very proud.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Im ur lil misconception Crew
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Adorkable Monster Captain
|
Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:58 pm
yea mom's tryng to get me to write a book so she can have a secure retirement rolleyes the farthest Ive ever gotten was 7 chapters before i start on something else. crying and theses guild roleplays are addictng procrastination tools too.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 11:27 am
Hmm... The pink color makes it hard to read right now. Maybe change it to a darker shade of pink.
Otherwise the story is good.
My suggestion for being able to focus on a story for more than seven chapters... is start to plot out the story. Whether that's storyboarding, or creating a timeline. For me, National Novel Writing Month (it's in November, and also known as NaNoWrimo) is a great chance to practice focusing for a whole month on one story.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 9:21 pm
I have the same problem about story ideas Neko. I find that the reason that I trash so many ideas is that the idea is based off a book or show I was reading/watching at the time. When I finish the book/tv series, I don't feel like using the idea. I am currently working on an idea all my own, that way I can try not to be persuaded by other ideas so easily.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 2:31 pm
this isn't based off anything really. sad I should work on it in my spare time
|
|
|
|
|
|
Adorkable Monster Captain
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Nov 03, 2008 8:38 pm
I would give feedback, but it's too pink to read and I'm feeling more like posting lazily and unnecessarily than making it easier on myself... Maybe later...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
