Horiscope
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Virgo You always knew the day would come when the machines would rise up and take over the world, but never did you imagine it'd be so convenient.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Libra Lately it may seem as if you're losing your mind, but don't worry: There's microwaves for every laughter and plaster wolverine.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Sagittarius Remember: Crying in public doesn't make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.
January 29, 2008
Libra Your skin will soon feel like it's crawling with insects, but fear not: Spiders are actually arachnids
Libra September 23 - October 23
There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
January 22, 2008
Scorpio
The stars predict the start of you getting a little more proactive about your own ******** future for a change. Seriously, enough is enough.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Life will become needlessly complicated this Thursday when you purchase half as many apples as Cindy, but twice as many oranges as Charles and Cory combined
February 19, 2008
Issue 44•08
Cancer
The giant pain in your a** is in fact not your mother, though the stars don't blame you for confusing her with colon cancer.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will feel truly and wonderfully alive this Wednesday, which is ironic considering what will happen to you this Thursday.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Sure, the bear costume may have set you back a pretty penny, but just think of all the free tranquilizer shots you’ll soon be getting.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The stars predict an exciting change in careers this week. Prepare to go from being a Fry Cook to being a Former Fry Cook.
July 29, 2008
Your Birthday Today
It's human nature to fear the unknown. Then again, you'd probably be twice as scared if you knew what that lump actually was.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Like Dr. Doolittle, you've always been able to talk to the animals. Unfortunately, this has more to do with your crippling loneliness than any special talent or gift.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You'll be green with envy this week, before becoming red with anger, blue with sorrow, and finally purple with complete lack of oxygen.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Avoiding personal questions may be one thing, but throwing down a series of smoke bombs and escaping in the ensuing chaos is just plain rude.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Little boys and girls will continue to ask you where babies come from, baffling everyone with how they're getting into your apartment.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Despite the promise of a new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.
May 20, 2008
Scorpio People say you have one of the biggest egos in the world, but what they probably mean is best—one of the best egos in the world.
July 15, 2008
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that your entire future can be summed up in pretty much 20 words.
July 22, 2008
Aries They say that someone with half a brain could do your job, which is good news considering next week's debilitating stroke.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
By the time you finish reading this, it will have been too late.
Theonion.com
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Now that we've found each other, they can make a crappy reality show & we'll be rich. (:
oh my gosh and you have a white ninja comic on your page <3 I haven't read those in foreverrr
Mmm, remind me never to go to Hawaii then. XD
Ha ha. That reminds me of this one time this kid that I knew... his brother was in the woods & had to take a number two. So he did. Then he wiped his a** with poison ivy.
Ahhh. Your one co-worker sounds like all my friends.
We're doin' a mural for the band room. & everyone is sitting there eating poptarts while I do all the sketching, the designing, and basically everything. Ah, people...