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8/15/04

Last night as I was driving home from the School of Leaders, I was just thinking about music, and the different kinds I have listen to in the past. A song from Prefect Circle Came to mind called 3 Libras. I started going over the lyrics in my head, and I can remember one night being so thrashed and drunk and just sing this song, and knowning in my heart I was singing it to my God. I just felt God telling me as I was driving that He did see me at the moment, and that He loved me. He saw me in all those times, all those times were I have never felt seen... Where I have always felt on the outside, that I had no place. That God saw that, and Loved me, and just wanted to pour His unfailing love upon me. Then God whispered to me, I see you now, I see you My beautiful Daughter. It felt like something had broken free in me. I don't even know what to say now, that is just what it was.

For those who don't know the lyrics to the song here is a link to it

3 Libras, A Prefect Circle

Rikonah that is awesome, I am sorry for the Struggles, yet I know they are what will make your Leadership charaters amazing. I pray that God Will contiune to bless you, and that you will bear much fruit for God.

So maybe my story isn't exactly as exciting as other people. Or maybe it's not really much of a story at all. But it's my story, and I'm the only one who can say it's lame 3nodding

So I've been raised in a Christian family ever since I was born. True, we weren't a particularly strong Christian family, I just grew up believing in God. We never went to church, and only prayed before dinner. It was just sort of a known fact that God was there, but I didn't really care. Part fo the reason that we never went to church was because my brother and I attended a Christian school. I learned all the Bible stories, and became a right little theologist. I could quote verses at you in a second and was quick to say I was a Christian. That was until I was in sixth grade. Yeah. I was still little, so I didn't understand much. After fifth grade my best friend of six years moved across the country, and my sixth grade year was the most miserable year of my life.

So my parents decided to move me to a different school, instead of continuing on at the Christian school. Now my new school was a public school, so I was exposed to teh big bang and all that jazz for the first time. I admit, it sounded pretty good to me. Where was God now that there wasn't Bible class every other day? We still didn't go to church, so I was pretty much on my own for continuing my faith. I didn't tell anyone, because I didn't want to say that I was wavering. So that was seventh grade, and my faith just started fading away gradually as the year wore on. Then that summer we started to go to this new church that had opened up near our house.

I joined the youth group and met my youth pastor. He is amazing. Let me just tell you that. I started praying and reading my bible on my own, for the first time since I was...seven? Long time anyways. I was still having trouble, just believing God existed at all. Wednesday nights were the best, because I got to listen to our youth pastor talk to us about God, and his own struggles before he became a Christian.

It's been a few years, and now I'm back and ready to go for God.

Ok, I was raised in a Christian home, so accepted Christ at an early age. But later a lot of problems came along, causing me to ot trust God so much.

When I was nine my mum left us and lived with our granma for a while, before moving in with her daughter, our half sister. She ended up having an affair with an abusive guy and divorcing dad to marry the guy.

Dad, to get back at mum, got engaged to a teacher at the school he worked at, but they ended up breaking up 11 days before the wedding. He kind of fell apart, and I was trying to take care of him and my younger bro.

Meanwhile, my bro and I started attendinf seventh grade at the nearest high school(7-8 are considered high school here) an hour and two bus rides away(shows you how far from everything I am). It was areally bad school, and I fell into deep depression, self abusivness, and suicidal thoughts, while still trying to hold the family together.

My dad started to notice how bad my bro and I were doing when I started crying in class and was pulled out of PE by the principal because I kept injuring my legs to get out of it.

So he took us out of school and started homeschooling us, and I started taking an anti-depressent. We started to attend a baptist church in our area, which was really good for us. Mum left the guy after he started to verbally abuse my bro and I.

Things were going pretty well for the next year or so, I was able to stop using the anti-depressent, my dad had goten married to a really nice lady he met online, and my mum had gotten a good job.

Things started to go downhill this summer again tho. My bro and I would stay at our mums for two or three nights. Usually we'd enjoy these visits, since we rarely get to see her even tho she lives only an hour away. but she had stopped taking her medication for her mental illness(Bi-Polar) and was self medicating with alcohol. My bro couldn't handle it, and became withdrawn, so I had to take over. I pretended that everything was alright and didn't tell anyone because I thought I could handle it. I started to get very depressed again, and stopped talking to people.

But on the fourth of July, dad had taken us to see a fireworks display. In the back of the truck next to us, adults and many kids I'd gone to school with got drunk. That somehow convicted me to tell dad about mum. So he stopped letting us visit, but she had already started attending AA because she knew she wasn't being a good mother.

Because of this, I got better again, and recently we went on a camping trip with our SDA church(my stepmom is SDA). While hiking, a 53 year old man from church had a mild heart attack at the top of the mountain. All the youth helped him get down the mountain, get him water, and he did survive. It did help that one of the two other adults hiking with us is a doctor.

But that really made me think. We don't know whats going to happen tommorrow, today, or even a minute from now. I rededicated my life to Christ, giving him my all this time, instead of just some of myself.

Sorry if that was kinda long.

Thanks Danielle, that really means a lot. Your right, I am blessed.

Ever since i was a little kid i always believed God was there. Yet, i never trusted him and lived for him and etc. Well around the summer of 2003 things started going down hill in my life. I had to move again for like the 3rd time and i had no friends where i was going and i had to leave behind this girl that i really liked. Well in november of 2003, a close family friend died and that was hard on my family and then just a few months later on new years day 2004 my grandmother dies. I got pretty emotionally tore up about this. I tried to cope but death was all i thought about because i had never really had a clear view on death. i mean i knew what death was but i never really thought about it.

During this whole time i'm really lonely. I had never a girlfriend, most people didnt like me and picked on me all through elementry and middle school and after a while it started to build up and get to me. I had just been hurt by the girl in mississippi ,where i had moved from when my grandmother died, and during the summer after my grandmother died i told my best friend who lived in alabama where im originally from that i liked his sister. well she liked me but to make a long story short that didnt work out.

Also during the summer i found out my mom was coming close to dieing because of her smoking problem and she refused to quit. To make matters worse my friends sister, the one i liked, started smoking and i was beging them to stop but they wouldnt. i was just an emotional wreck by the end of the summer. I felt alone, confused, empty, worthless. I cursed God asking him why he put me through all this and why he would keep me alive.

Well since my best friend was spending the summer with us we had to take him back to alabama at the end of the summer. His sister who i liked was going to meet another guy who i knew was bad news and the loneiness and everything was just overwhelming me. i was losing my mind. Finally i decided i couldnt take it anymore. I pulled out my pocket knife, opend it, and put it to my wrist and intened to cut the artery and bleed to death right there. Yet, something made me throw that knife down and i started to tear up.

I walked to the middle of my best friends back yard, fell to my knees, and just cryed out to God. I said "God, i dont know what to do anymore. Guide me. Have mercy on my soul. I just dont know what to do anymore. Guide me. Please Guide me." I repeated those words many times before i calmed down. that night when my friends sister went to meet that guy she realized he was bad news and got away from him. that night i cried my eyes out because i had felt the grace of God and realized all that jesus had done for me.

when i got back to North Carolina where i currently live me and my friends sis decided just to be good friends and i met new friends and met this other girl. again to make a long story short that didnt work out either and i got really bad hurt by her. the thing is that God wanted me to learn from it. I became a better person from it and I swear that just a couple days before she really hurt me i met this wonderful, sweet, beautiful, christian girl. This girl was everything i wanted but she lived in alabama. well we decided to give a long distance relationship a shot. I spent the last summer with my best friend and this christian girl i met got me going back to church and learning the word of God and helped strengthen my faith so much. I am still with that same beautiful christian girl today some 4 months later after me and her got together.

Yet, the distance between me and my g/f is a real test. It is hard on us but God is giving me the strength to pull through and he is guiding me in the right path. I am praying that he will allow me and her to be married one day after i graduate highschool or college and that he will allow me to be able to support her and to love her to the best of my abillity.

I don't have a hugantic uber cool testamonie but i just have to say that ever sence i was little i beleaved in God, but it wasn't till recently that i've been struggling w/ some teenage problems, like sexuality, and showing my self christian, that kind of stuff just strugles. i haven't been standing up for what i beleve. i'm getting better about that kind of stuff. also like i keep saying "oh, i'll pray for you." or "oh, yeah i've been through that too." even though i didn't or haven't. lieing issues...so that's my testomonie....i guess....i'm not much for telling about me and stuff...