|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 5:40 pm
Hey everyone,
Remember "Complications" (Pt. 2)? It ended with me telling David how I felt about him, and with his very relaxed reaction.
Well, that wasn't the end of the story, hence....
~~~~~
Last time on "Locker Room Discrepancies"....
A football player who I was coming to think of as a friend outed me in the locker room. After an initial awkwardness, we mended our relationship, and it was stronger for the break.
As time went by, I came to admire his good qualities (not the least among them a perfect butt), and became closer to him. It seems inevitable now that I would begin to fall for him, lust blending with love as surely as spicy cinnamon into rich hazelnut coffee eased by the sweet mellowness of honey.
Soon after I discovered my feelings, my attitude changed. I became racked with all the feelings pent up inside of me. Upon reflection, I decided that I had to tell him, and what's more, that he deserved to know. If he rejected me as a person because of what I felt for him, well, then our friendship was only a sham in the first place.
In the end, my path was certain. It was no longer about me liking him, or him feeling the same way. It was about compassion and honesty and the meaning of friendship, about what it truly means to have feelings for someone, and how much we can really claim those feelings for ourselves.
I told him about a week or so after finding my feelings. He didn't hit me or anything--in fact, I still wonder if he completely understood. It was awkward at first, but I...I think he understands. Maybe just a little bit better.
I pray it is so....
-------------
Part 3
-------------
After I told him, it was a little awkward. The next week, we said no more than a dozen words to each other at a time, usually less. The week after that, he was suspended for five days for something he didn't do. (Go figure.)
So, the third week after I told him (this week), I was out Monday and Tuesday. I got back on Wednesday uneasy about seeing him....
But he was very cool about everything. I told him I was glad to see him back, and he just smiled. Then, as I was dressing out, these two kids come up to me, and asked "Are you gay?"
I got upset. There I was, less than half naked, asked by people I've never met what my sexuality is. I said "I don't even know you. Why would I tell you something that personal about myself? Why would you ask that, and why would I tell you?!?" I began to shake slightly, invisible tremors running through me. I never turned from them. Did they hear the edge of iron in my voice? I could taste it—the cold, hard bitterness of the world. I felt myself growing cold with it, hardening my heart with it, preparing, and then—
I heard from behind me and to my right: "So what if he is?"
It was David's voice. David's voice.
And Matt (the other boy near my locker who is friends with David), who I had become friends with in David's absence adds: "Yeah, who cares?"
David and Matt. David and Matt were defending me. They were defending me. They were defending me.
You know what I learned? It's incredibly difficult to be cool and pleased at the same time, touched and untouchable at once. I knew a moment of indecision. But it was okay, because they backed off. I thanked David and Matt, and had a day of reflection. I decided--as I had learned earlier that I was neglecting a certain friend--that I would write them all letters. And so I did, yesterday. Four letters, and I got three of them to their recipients today (including one to Matt).
All save David.
But tomorrow.... Tomorrow's another day. It's been a good day, and now I'm relaxing with a full belly in front of a computer typing to friends, listening to music that's so good I could cry (Tom Barabas' "Romantic Rhapsodies"). I can't think of a more perfect end to today.
Sometimes, I have really, really good days. This is one that will sparkle in my heart forever. Because now I know...I have friends who accept me for who I am, and I don't have to face the world all by myself. It's a good feeling.
Love and Vale,
~Leavaros
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 7:18 pm
ooh the day when someone will ask me if i'm a lesbian and there's more than just myself telling them it really doesn't matter. smile
whenever someone asks me that a whole crowd of people gather around and listen to the discussion...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 9:34 pm
Can you really blame them? Sexuality is a very interesting topic, undeniably....
I'm just really glad that...that I have friends like that, you know?
Love and Vale,
-LD
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 6:30 pm
I've had only a single question running constantly through my mind all day: how far can one distance oneself from attributes that others don't see as admirable?
You see, David read the letter, and had been acting strangely today. I was willing to pass it off as merely circumstantial, but when we were dressing back in after class, I asked him if he had read it and he said he had but that I should "probably keep those things to yourself. You have to remember that I'm straight--those kinds of things creep me out."
Naturally, I had no idea what to say to that. I was unsure of what he meant, as I had taken care not to intone anything...improper. In fact, I thought it was more than tame enough--the worst conceivable thing in the letter was "your killer smile [and] shocking blue eyes".
I told him that I wasn't sure...that I didn't remember putting anything.... I stuttered, shocked. I had not foreseen this. It kind of broke something in me. I wonder if I'll be stronger for this too, or if it's...somehow crippling. That I could have put even more stress on our relationship...the thought kills me.
But...I wonder if I'm only skating on the surface of my feelings. I mean, sure, getting hurt is a possibility in friendship, and compromising is a necessity, but...the fact that I've already compromised so much and he is asking me to reach a little farther, a little past myself...I can't decide if I'm glad for it (because at least it's with him), or if it's unreasonable and selfish of him to ask that of me. Not to say that he hasn't stretched also, but I feel like we're moving apart, together, in different directions.
I know I shouldn't draw comparisons between friends, but when I fell for Robert, and told him, everything worked out well--and better, it seemed right. A little happy, a little sad, wonderful and warm and wistful all at once. The things that boy stirred in me besides lust--! When I told him (last Friday?) everything that was happening with David, he nodded just as I had and said, "Well, you can't expect everyone to react well when you tell them you like them" to which I answered, "But you did." He looked at me, infinite warmth in his expression and said, "Yeah. I did. But I'm different, you know?" I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant, and he continued, "You can't expect him to be okay all at once. Just give him some time and space." Time to think, space to breathe. I nodded reluctantly, knowing in my heart that he was right.
Don't you love friends who you can have a conversation with and feel the same, to the point where you can't separate your thoughts and words from the other? That's me and Robert: we're so hopelessly tied up in one another, and I don't ever want that to change.
I know I shouldn't expect this time to be the same--I'm no more the same me than David is Robert. But even so, there's some added complication to this situation that seems...extraneous. It hurts all of us. I truly wish that it weren't there, even if it's only my sexuality, or his conservatism, or just Locker Room Discrepancies.
Love and Vale,
~Leavaros Dapple
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 6:32 pm
If David has issues with you being honest with him as a friend then maybe he isn't worth your time.
I know it's not as easy as i make it out to be.
I agree that you should just give him time and space, and if he is capable of looking past the "creepiness" of you being gay then he'll be worth your time. If he can accept you as you are and for your feelings then he's worth your time.
But also realize that while you have feelings toward him there's a very slim chance of being with him, i'm not exactly sure what you're intentions are but i've had to let go of a lot of girls for the sole face that they're straight, but i've been able to cope with that sad fact that not everyone can be as ambiguous as i.
It is important to be honest with your friends. It's important that your friends accept and understand you, and it's important to not be attached to anything that you know in your heart isn't healthy. I'm pretty sure you've been getting all of that down smile
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 4:48 pm
Well, it's true that I have feelings for him, but...in all honesty, I don't think it's lust anymore. That hunger....it's like it's just...slowly disappeared over time, replaced by a natural lightness and warmth of spirit. When I'm around him, I don't feel...hungry anymore. I feel content--full of warmth and gentleness.
Love and Vale,
~Leavaros Dapple
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 2:35 am
I know this is going to be a little off topic, but from how you worded each of your replies and post, I think you'd make a great writer. Its not often I enjoy a work of writing, even if its a forum post. I'm glad to see that you have close friends who care about you, especially in a world like this. Sometimes it takes just one friend with the right words that will save your life.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 2:42 pm
Hey everyone! There's a new update here! But first, to SaintChaos, I am a writer. I write poetry, short stories, personal essays, and of course, juicy forum posts.
~~~~~
Yep, it's true--I'm over him. I looked at him just today and said, "You've healed well," meaning it without innuendo and saying it without warning. He nodded and smiled.
You know, sometimes, I still don't know what to say or how to act around him--in many ways, the handsome football player is far more fragile than the weak, oft-ill golden poet. But most of the time, I just don't care--perhaps the true beauty of friendship is not the intimate understanding of another person, but the compassionate acceptance of their little awkwardnesses. I think he knows that, if we're going to be friends, there will be awkward moments. And I think he's okay with that, too.
Matt is way cooler with it--most of the crew guys are. I even worked up the nerve to ask him why straight guys like girls, and after he gave me a big shpeel about Greece, cavemen, and biology, at last he said, "And they're hot." I laughed, and told him goodbye--I'll have to accept the things I don't understand, too.
I think everything's going to be okay. I'm glad--I feel like we're finally in a good place now.
Love and Vale,
~Leavaros Dapple
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 11:27 am
^_^ I love being able to ask my friends questions like that. And... because i'm bisexual i tend to agree on every conversation about girls and guys... and my guys friends think it's amazing when they say something about a girl and i agree.
I'm glad you have friends who accept that bit of eccentric-ness too smile
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 1:15 pm
Yeah...and I'm not kidding when I say my heart is filled with gladness because of that.
Love and Vale,
~Leavaros Dapple
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:30 am
Leavaros Hey everyone! There's a new update here! But first, to SaintChaos, I am a writer. I write poetry, short stories, personal essays, and of course, juicy forum posts. And I was supposed to know that how? I'm a writer myself, but I was just trying to give a compliment. a thank you would suffice. but meh, whatever.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 5:59 pm
Sorry, I didn't mean to offend...I've just...referenced it so many times here that...well...I'm sorry to offend.
-LD
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 12:51 am
Leavaros Sorry, I didn't mean to offend...I've just...referenced it so many times here that...well...I'm sorry to offend. -LD lol its okay. just some people like to boast, but you're all good. ty for replying back ^_^ good luck on future writings
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
