Welcome to Gaia! ::

I've been toying with this one for a while....

Remeber David from the Locker Room Discrepancies thread back in the Life issues subforum? You know, the one with the extremely lengthy posts and wordy, flowery phrases? Yes, that David.

Well, problem is, I fell for him. Pretty hard. (Don't bring up the pun, please!) Omissions on how this happened, and when. Suffice to say that I'm a fool, and only realized it about a week or so ago.

I'm pretty sure he's straight, but h keeps throwing me looks, weird situations, whatever. Normally, I would dismiss all of this as "the jock messing with the f**", but...he's been nothing but kind and friendly and helpful to me. Almost like he's courting me.

The thing that really got to me was his sincerity. He isn't particularly smart, or warm, and really, even though he's mouth-wateringly sexy, I would never look past a fling with him. Except that.... Somewhere along the way, he touched me. I've been nursing my arrow-wounds ever since, and I think one of those damn arrowheads is lodged somewhere in my chest. I hope it hasn't punctured a lung yet. Though I do have a hard time breathing when he's around.

He's like a cat, and in more than just his looks. He's coolly affectionate, self-aware, and playful, once you get to know him. He wraps himself around my heart like any cat begging for...something. Similarly, we seem to have some gap between us, no true middle ground.
~~~~~
When I came out, I swore to myself that I would never again silence my feelings, never put them away because they weren't convenient. I swore that I would always be true to what I really felt above what I wanted to feel.

That's why I have such a problem with keeping all this from him. I'm almost certain he's straight, and besides that, he's become something of a friend. But...I feel a little less than honest in hiding--or even turning down--my affection. I realize that it's a lot of stress to put on such a young relationship. But...if he can't accept this, then did I ever really have him at all?

Robert came to love me, in his own way. But could David? Does he have it in him to look past my dark passions? Can he see me in any other way than...than that?
~~~~~
Love and Vale,
-Masq/Leavaros

Very true, Shmoo. But he already knows I'm gay--or at least 'not straight'. And isn't that enough stretching for him? Not to be stereotypical, but.... Well, I'm exceedingly curious about his levels of "flexibility" in all regards....

But maybe you're right. Do I really have the right to keep my feelings for him a secret from him? We say that, our feelings are ours, but...if he didn't exist, neither would they. In a way, our feelings for a person are also part theirs, as well. Wouldn't it be more wrong of me to stay silent than to speak awkward words?

And that having been said, I know I have the strength to tell him. But will he have the strength to listen? To respond? I honestly don't know. And what if he might wish that I never said anything at all, if it would be better for the both of us? And shouldn't that, as well, guide my tongue towards stillness?

After all, as the saying goes "Don't do anything until you've considered what you can't do once you've done it." For now, I will listen and watch.... And drop huge hints. Huge, rainbow-colored hints, slyly disguised as--a rainbow! Hope shall be my masquerade to this latest of parties, veiling a deeper hope of something real.

But.... I heard a rumor today that he's gay. I wonder if it's only idle talk or if there's some germ of truth to the gossip. Gods and men, but I hope so.

Love and Vale,
~Leavaros/Masq

Reply @ RADD comment: One too many Oscar Wilde plays, and I write tons of poetry. Check my profile for some, I think/hope you'll like it!
~~~~~
Very casually. I'm not sure I'm capable of that. But, in a way, you might be right. That would be a very good way of skirting a harsh topic. Almost poetic in its simplicity, its honesty. If I can pull that off without sounding like as complete idiot, that would be the way to go. But...my words have depths of emotion, and I'm not sure if he'd be able to catch that or not, and I'm not sure I want him to or not.

Indecisions, indecisions.

Today, I asked him how his weekend was, and he told me that he "fu*ked this blonde college girl's brains out". I almost said I hope you remembered to ******** her brains back in, but I stopped myself at the last minute.

I keep almost saying things. Like, I know you're a ladies' man, but..., or I don't get the whole female thing. Want to explain a bit?, or my personal favorite, which always comes to the top of my list of swirling thoughts: DITCH THE B*TCH AND SWITCH! YEAH!.

Damn it all, I'm screwed without even being screwed!

Love and Vale,
-LD

*Glomp* See! Theres the first step! I say give it a couple of weeks and if it is really eating at you, tell him. Or maybe ask him how the rumors make him feel. That would give you some answers.

Best of luck. :3

True, true. Thats why I said take the time. Time can be a pretty good alli.

Well, I wish you luck and that whatever happens you at least get to still have him in your life in some way.

And I think I shall go see your poetry. smile

You have talent. eek My poems are so bad, when I try to write them. I guess I'll leave that to you and stick to writing novels. 3nodding

It never is easy, but it does boil down to the fact that is 'will I regret it or not'.