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 Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 9:37 am
This is a workshop for in-character RP posting. My internet has been out, so the starting date had to be moved to today when I could be on the school computers. Each round, then, will start on Monday. For each round, we will critique one person's writing for that week, and the author is not allowed to comment on the critique. Each person must participate in each critiquing round. When it is your week to be critiqued, please grab examples of your RP posts from RPs that you are or have been in, and post them here. You can have more than one post for us to critique, as long as the total number of words does not exceed 800. We will do the rounds in the order that people signed up. Didn't sign up, but interested? You have until this Sunday (Oct 14) to join by participating in this first round of critiques. People signed up: 1. carridwyn (Oct 7-14) THIS WEEK 2. Manafai (Oct 15-21) 3. OPEN 4. OPEN
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Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 10:01 am
ok the set up on this is an old vamp who turned a young girl but left her to die, he has stalked her and recently found her and has now requested she join him and be his companion...
"A companion you say? Hm. And you wish for that from me...ah. Is that your explaination then?" Carridwyn paused a moment and then continued her eyes flashing wild violet as she spoke passionately, "I am not the companion type I daresay. I do not want to settle in and be anyone's little woman. Tis not a place I want to be in life. I enjoy being free with no one to answer to, save myself and the Creator. I don't know if I can fulfill your little fantasy but I can be your friend and we can spend time together because there is no one else here like us and time is all we have so we may as well enjoy each other's company. No one else has understood or wanted to understand and sometimes I do feel very lonely and very angry." She grew silent and her face grew stoney. She continued to walk now without a word. The world around her became very constricting and heavy. She felt uneasy have spoken her peace so forcefully and almost harshly. She had not expected him to want her companionship, at least not what she understood him to mean after kissing her and she didn't really want that from him. While she was at times lonely it was rare that she needed another around her. She enjoyed being alone and did not relish giving up that freedom.
The wind picked up now and blew her hair into her face. As she paused and pushed her hair out of her eyes she looked around her. The world was beginning to change. She could see that her kind and Mavrick's kind would soon become extinct. She turned to him, "Do you have money? Are you independently wealthy or do you pick pockets?" She smirked at her last statement seeing how it isn't hard to pick the pockets of a dead person. She herself had a bit of money and she always collected from the bodies of her victims. She knew better than to leave it, she at least, was using the money for needs and not for wants or desires like some would. She did not drink alcohol and she obviously wouldn't visit the local brothel unless she was really desperate for a meal. That thought made her chuckle softly to herself. It was a legitimate question though seeing as what she most wanted was to be able to live a quiet life and have enough money to be able to stay anonymous and not have to try to earn money with a silly job at the theatre or the brothel even for that matter...She smiled again at her own thoughts. Staring into Mavrick's eyes she asked him, "What can you give me that I cannot do for myself?"
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Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 12:47 pm
Manafai is having internet problems.
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Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 12:56 pm
carridwyn ok the set up on this is an old vamp who turned a young girl but left her to die, he has stalked her and recently found her and has now requested she join him and be his companion... "A companion you say? Hm. And you wish for that from me...ah. Is that your explaination then?" Carridwyn paused a moment and then continued her eyes flashing wild violet as she spoke passionately, "I am not the companion type I daresay. I do not want to settle in and be anyone's little woman. Tis not a place I want to be in life. I enjoy being free with no one to answer to, save myself and the Creator. I don't know if I can fulfill your little fantasy but I can be your friend and we can spend time together because there is no one else here like us and time is all we have so we may might as well enjoy each other's company. No one else has understood or wanteds to understand and sometimes I do feel very lonely and very angry." She grew silent and her face grew stoney. She continued to walk now without a word. The world around her became very constricting and heavy. She felt uneasy have spoken her peace so forcefully and almost harshly. She had not expected him to want her companionship, at least not what she understood him to mean after kissing her and she didn't really want that from him. While she was at times lonely it was rare that she needed another around her. She enjoyed being alone and did not relish giving up that freedom.
The wind picked up now and blew her hair into her face. As she paused and pushed her hair out of her eyes she looked around her. The world was beginning to change. She could see that her kind and Mavrick's kind would soon become extinct. She turned to him, "Do you have money? Are you independently wealthy or do you pick pockets?" She smirked at her last statement seeing how it isn't hard to pick the pockets of a dead person. She herself had a bit of money and she always collected from the bodies of her victims. S , she knew better than to leave it, she at least, . She, at least was using the money for needs and not for wants or desires like some would. She did not drink alcohol and she obviously wouldn't doesn't visit the local brothel unless she was really desperate for a meal. That thought made her chuckle softly to herself. It was a legitimate question though seeing as what she most wanted was to be able to live a quiet life and have enough money to be able to stay anonymous and not have to try to earn money with a silly job at the theatre or the brothel even for that matter...She smiled again at her own thoughts. Staring into Mavrick's eyes she asked him, "What can you give me that I cannot do for myself?"ok, i did what i can, for the record, it was really hard for me to find any mistakes, and im not even sure my corrections were right, but there is something bothering me with the lauguage in some parts. Things like "Tis not" or like "daresay" are something I never came across, so I don't know if that's a certain way to use english or if it's just a really bad typo, so I left it as it is.
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Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 2:39 pm
this is a piece from a fantsy RP about an inn inthe middle of some really dangerous forst full of evil lil creatures. Currently my name is Urashima Ryouga (don't ask, i just luv jap names) and I'm going through the inn for quite an uncommon reason. I hope I did alright with this one whee i had to post this early due to problems beyond my control, so Penden allowed me to post earlier than the original time
The sound of Ming finally remembering the mere existence of her babies was enough to make Ryouga reconsider a bit "She forgot her own babies existence for a while now... But that was pretty funny how she yelled it out, it's not often I get to see Ming panic like that. I should go take a look just in case, those two are very energetic."
The little ones were not the only reason Ryouga needed to get out of the sauna. Like any living being, the hot, stuffed, humid air made him suffer and he could take it for only for so long. As soon as he got out of the sauna, the outside air never felt better before. Without thinking twice he wiped off the sweat with his towel and left it hanging back in it's place at the entrence to the sauna and went inside the inn to start his search.
The first place to look was naturally Mings room, he walked al the way behindth bar and into the room where normally nobody is allowed in. The air had cocoa scent mixed with it, obviously Ming was taking a bath and it braught back memories. These kind of moments had Ryouga talking to himself, as if he was tranced by something that wasn't there "Oh yeah, I remeber that time... I can't really tell if I want that happening again or not." He spoke to himself loud enough for Ming to hear, but didn't notice in his own daydreaming of his moments with Ming.
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Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 5:31 am
I didn't find many outright technical mistakes either, but there were several places where the flow of the sentences could be improved, and also some things that I felt were inconsistencies in your post. First, the overall inconsistencies. These are a big concern for characterization in the RP. Your character seems to be giving mixed messages, or not saying what she wants to say very clearly. If you're trying to play a character that doesn't have a way with words, that's fine, but right now it's coming off as the author's mistake, not the characters. Here is what your character sounds like: "I'm lonely, but I'm not lonely. I don't love you. I hate being a vampire, and probably hate you. But traveling with you might be a good idea any way. So what can you do for me?" Now, don't get me wrong, not falling in love, and the last bit where she is trying to objectively, selfishly determine what good he can do her, that's great. But the other things in the post muddy the waters, so to speak. You say she speaks her mind, yet she doesn't even mention directly how she feels about him being the one to turn her into a vampire. Deciding to travel with him is fine, but in the beginning when she gives her speech about companionship and whatnot, that is confusing. The only other inconsistency is not so much a character development issue, but the anachronisms that Manafai mentioned. Daresay may still be used in some parts of England, I believe, but 'tis is not to my knowledge. That's a shakespeare's-time thing, but your brief glimpses of the world appear to be current time. Was she supposed to have been turned a long time ago? And if so, why hasn't she adapted her speech to blend in further, or does it only come out like that when talking to other people who are older than even her? I'm concerned that you have her talking like that just because she is a vampire, to set her apart, or perhaps because in the RP the other players are doing the same. Ok, now for flow. Red are mistakes, like misspellings. Boldface are things that I changed. There are a lot of commas which may be hard to see. Strikes are things to take out. carridwyn "A companion you say? Hm. And you wish for that from me...ah. Is that your explaination <--need better word here then?" Carridwyn paused a moment and then continued , her eyes flashing wild violet as she spoke passionately ; "I am not the companion type I daresay. I do not want to settle in and be anyone's little woman. That's just not a place I want to be in life. I enjoy being free with no one to answer to, save myself and the Creator. I don't wish to fulfill your little fantasy , but perhaps you and I can travel together. There is no one else here like us and time is all we have , so we may as well enjoy each other's company as acquaintances. No one else has understood or wanted to understand and sometimes I do feel very lonely and very angry." She grew silent and her face grew stoney. She continued to walk now without a word. The world around her became very constricting and heavy. She felt uneasy , having spoken her peace so forcefully and almost harshly. She had not expected him to want her companionship, at least not what she understood him to mean after kissing her , and she didn't really want that from him. While she was at times lonely it was rare that she needed another around her. She enjoyed being alone and did not relish giving up that freedom. The wind picked up now and blew her hair into her face. As she paused and pushed her hair out of her eyes she looked around her. The world was beginning to change. She could see that their kind would soon become extinct. She turned to him, "Do you have money? Are you independently wealthy or do you pick pockets?" She smirked at her last statement seeing how it isn't hard to pick the pockets of a dead person. She herself had a bit of money and she always collected from the bodies of her victims. She knew better than to leave it . She at least, was using the money for needs and not for wants or desires like some would. She did not drink alcohol and she obviously wouldn't visit the local brothel unless she was really desperate for a meal. That thought made her chuckle softly to herself. It was a legitimate question , though , seeing as what she most wanted was to be able to live a quiet life and have enough money to be able to stay anonymous and not have to try to earn money with a silly job at the theatre or the brothel even for that matter...She smiled again at her own thoughts. Staring into Mavrick's eyes she asked him, "What can you give me that I cannot do for myself?"
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Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 11:19 am
Manafai The sound of Ming finally remembering the mere existence of her babies was enough to make Ryouga reconsider a bit "She forgot her own babies existence for a while now... But that was pretty funny how she yelled it out, it's not often I get to see Ming panic like that. I should go take a look just in case, those two are very energetic."
The little ones were not the only reason Ryouga needed to get out of the sauna. Like any living being, the hot, stuffed, humid air made him suffer and he could take it for only for so long. As soon as he got out of the sauna, the outside air never felt better before. Without thinking twice he wiped off the sweat with his towel and left it hanging back in it's place at the entrence (sp = entrance) to the sauna and went inside the inn to start his search.
The first place to look was naturally Mings room, he walked all the way behind the bar and into the room where normally nobody is allowed in.He began with Ming's room; the air had cocoa scent mixed with it, obviously Ming was taking a bath and it brought back memories. These kind of moments had Ryouga talking to himself, as if he was tranced by something that wasn't there "Oh yeah, I remember that time... I can't really tell if I want that happening again or not." He spoke to himself loud enough for Ming to hear, but didn't notice in his own daydreaming of his moments with Ming. The first paragraph is pretty good. The whole thing is kind of bumpy but I will get to that later. The second part I crossed out an unnecessary group of words. "Without thinking twice" is too many words. A simple "He wiped the sweat off" is fine. Now had someone offered him the towel from their own personal collection, then he could totally use a towel "without thinking twice". Make sense? I only made one really big change to the third paragraph. It was too much and from I could read it wasn't all that important. Just his starting point. I made a couple of spelling corrections that I think may have been due to typing fast wink and they were in the part I took out anyway. Other than entrance; which I marked. Ok this little glimpse gives us very little to go on as far as the characters go. Ryouga is a little easier to figure out but the last bit is hard to get. Quote: These kind of moments had Ryouga talking to himself, as if he was tranced by something that wasn't there "Oh yeah, I remember that time... I can't really tell if I want that happening again or not." He spoke to himself loud enough for Ming to hear, but didn't notice in his own daydreaming of his moments with Ming This is bumpy. I know what you are trying to say but it doesn't work this way. I would change it to "Memories flooded Ryouga's mind. I remember that time...Do I really want to do that again? The words flowed from his lips but he was too lost in thought to realize that Ming could hear him." Or something more along those lines. It really feels like you are forcing yourself to write LOOOONNNNGGGG paragraphs to say what really only needs a few words.
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Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2007 9:58 am
I'll post something more indepth later, but in general I agree; the writing is expressive but clunky and needs to be smoothed out.
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Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 12:13 pm
guess i got off easy this time, but it'll be kinda difficult for the future cuz the RPs i enjoy most are the lv 1 and 2 which are like, on paragraph of a few lines
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Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 8:22 pm
O, ye of little faith! My keyboard is acting up and wont let me type some strange things, like back slashes and apostrophies, so Im afraid that youll have to search for the changes I made yourself. Manafai When Ming finally remembered the mere existence of her babies, she gasped, and the sound made Ryouga reconsider a bit. "Strange that she could forget her own babies existence, even for a moment.... But that was pretty funny how she yelled it out. It's not often I get to see Ming panic like that. I should go take a look just in case, since those two are very energetic."The little ones were not the only reason that Ryouga needed to get out of the sauna. Like any living being, the hot, stuffed, humid air made his lungs suffer and he could take it for only for so long. As soon as he got out of the sauna, the outside air inspired him into motion with its shocking cold. Without thinking twice, he wiped off the sweat with his towel and went inside the inn to start his search. The first place to look was naturally Mings room, so he walked all the way behind the bar and into her room where normally nobody was allowed in. The cocoa scented air of Mings bath brought back memories. These kind of moments had Ryouga talking to himself, as if entranced. "I remember the time when ... but I dont know if I want that happening again." He didn't notice that he spoke loud enough for Ming to hear. One thing that I would like to point out is that there are places where the word THAT is optional, and it is better to leave it out for informal speech, such as when a character is speaking, but often better to make sure it gets in there for formal speech, such as your 3rd person narrative. Also, as an outsider, there are some places here were you could have used more detail to explain their relationship, but that might not be needed in the RP because the person who plays Ming already knows, and youve given that person enough of a lead to go on by his speaking outloud at the end.
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