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 Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 11:40 am
Adoption is one way to have a family. It is not, however, an easy way and I wish people would stop shrugging off infertility issues with "Well, you can always adopt." Have a little compassion for their loss. Telling someone they can always adopt is like consoling a widow with "you can always remarry." In time a widow may have a new husband and in time the family may have an adopted child. But the hypothetical new wife is no replacement for the widower's dead wife and neither is the hypothetical adopted child a replacement for the babies the infertile couple will never feel kicking. Some facts about adoption: Average price of an adoption can range from $4,000 to more than $40,000. It varies from country to country. Travel expenses must also be taken into consideration. It's not always a simple "Go and Get," either. Some countries (like Malawi) require the adoptive parents to reside in the country for a certain period before they can take custody. No one just hands a baby to an adoptive couple. The prospective parents are evaluated, financially and psychologically, very carefully. This involves meetings, tests, home visits and surprise inspections. The couple must be in a constant state of readiness. It's nerve-wracking. The visits and inspections don't stop with the successful adoption. To ensure everyone adjusts well, they check up on the family afterward as well. I'm not sure for how long, but I'm pretty sure at least a year. According to this site, 31% of families have experienced one or more failed adoptions. Of those adoptions, 22% failed after birth. In some places, if the birth father doesn't sign the adoption papers he can sue for custody. I'm not sharing these facts to discourage anyone from adopting but to show what a complex process it is. Don't take my word for it, though -- I make no claim to be an expert. Do your own research too.
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Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 10:25 pm
Well, while I've never said
"You can always adopt" I have to say I don't know much better responses to this situation.
A friend of mine is going through this, and she and her husband just adopted a baby boy maybe two weeks older than my baby girl. When I heard they were getting him as soon as he was born I was thrilled! But other than being happy for her, I dunno what to say. I've always been afraid of saying the wrong thing because I don't understand what it's like to face the idea that I can't carry my own children.
I don't know the things you hear from people on a daily basis that get old fast, or things that people frequently misunderstand about the situation that lead to raw nerves. She's mentioned that it's annoying how people tell her that once you adopt your first one, you'll likely get pregnant or something with your second, and I'd have never thought that was an obnoxious thing to say until she said
"Like we adopted him for a fertility charm." And I thought
"Yeah, I guess it could sound that way. That's terrible." So I try to be so careful about what I say.
I guess I just want a better understanding of what she's going through.
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Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 7:32 am
It' can be an awkward subject and nobody's good at dealing with awkward subjects. You could ask her. That's the only way, other than going through it yourself, to learn about it. Tell her you understand if she doesn't feel like talking about it but that you want to understand her and her life better. What to say when she's not expecting. This link has advice for friends or family of someone who has miscarried.
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Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 11:04 pm
I am not ready to have children by any means (not married. Even broken up with my boyfriend cry so I don't plan to be for some time) but I expect to be dealing with infertility in the future. Right now I have more pills and doctors than most people have... things... they... a lot of. (It's late.) wink
Many of my relatives have gone through adoptions and Holy Hannah it is NOT an easy answer. But it IS something I plan on doing in the future. So, I figure I better start being a big fan of it now (and only dating boys who agree with me. Cuz I want a good size family... and I am not thinking many of them will be coming from MY uterus) *sigh*
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Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 1:47 am
Kipluck I am not ready to have children by any means (not married. Even broken up with my boyfriend cry so I don't plan to be for some time) but I expect to be dealing with infertility in the future. Right now I have more pills and doctors than most people have... things... they... a lot of. (It's late.) wink Many of my relatives have gone through adoptions and Holy Hannah it is NOT an easy answer. But it IS something I plan on doing in the future. So, I figure I better start being a big fan of it now (and only dating boys who agree with me. Cuz I want a good size family... and I am not thinking many of them will be coming from MY uterus) *sigh* This is probably the wrong thing to say, but seriously pregnancy sucks, and child labor is no picnic either. Friggin' scary. After I had Bina, I was telling my husband, "Lets adopt the rest." He had to explain to me that adoption is great, but it is rough, and if you can have your own it's better to let the children already here go to the families who need them more. And that was before the postpartum depression kicked in. I keep telling myself I gotta have one more because it's not right for my baby to grow up alone. That, and if anything happened to her, we'd be not only heartbroken, but alone ourselves. I keep saying I gotta have just one more, even if it kills me, and I'm kind of not joking. It might. I'm seriously jealous of my friend who got to adopt her baby.
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Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 8:50 am
Everybody's experience with pregnancy is different, though. Some people have a really easy time of both pregnancy and birth -- my mom popped her kids out in about three hours. (BOY do I hope I've inherited that!) Some people have a little morning sickness and some people have morning sickness the entire time. (Thankfully, Mom's never mentioned being one of the latter.)
I don't think labor has to be scary and I wish people would quit making such a big, hairy deal out of it. On the other hand, I have yet to experience it myself; I'll be sure to let y'all know if I still feel that way when I've had my turn! smile
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Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:00 pm
Well, let me clarify;
labor was friggin' scary for me because I'm very self conscious and neurotic and you have pretty much 0 control of your own body and what's happening to you when you're in labor.
I even had an epidural, because when I was at 8cm (you only get to 10 before you start pushing and it's all over) I was in so much pain I threw up and I couldn't handle the contractions anymore. They weren't what I was expecting at all. They feel like your monthly cramps, only so powerful the pain consumed me. I couldn't fathom what I was already going through, not to mention another two centimeters and the pushing. -But that probably had to do with the fact that at 8cm, they gave me pitocin and then broke my water. FYI- bad idea.
I've heard that both of those things make it all much more painful than it would have been naturally, but like I said you have little or no control over what's happening to you.
My doctor saw what I was going through and offered the epidural again and I accepted.
If I hadn't gone through with getting it, I wouldn't have been able to mentally separate myself from what was happening to my body. The ripping, the swelling, the stitches, etc... not to mention the pain. I think I would have been traumatized.
So yeah.. I realize everyone's experience goes differently. But I don't think I'm alone in saying it's no picnic, and though I may be saying it in ignorance, I'm envious of women who have their children by other means.
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Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:52 pm
I've heard a lot of different things about the birth process. From the research I've done, I've chosen to do a mid-wife attended, at-home water birth. (Circumstances permitting of course and I assure you that does include medical circumstance.) Water birth is supposed to be very comfortable, though if you get in too soon it'll actually slow down the birth instead of facilitating it. Kittlyn, you might be interested in this link. The website is a blog written by a bunch of LDS mothers and this specific post is about one woman's experience with hypno-birthing. She calls her experience amazing and says she was thrilled with the results. From what you said, I think this might be useful for you. It's at least worth it to look into it as you and your husband make whatever plans you make. smile
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Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:44 pm
Itesa I've heard a lot of different things about the birth process. From the research I've done, I've chosen to do a mid-wife attended, at-home water birth. (Circumstances permitting of course and I assure you that does include medical circumstance.) Water birth is supposed to be very comfortable, though if you get in too soon it'll actually slow down the birth instead of facilitating it. Kittlyn, you might be interested in this link. The website is a blog written by a bunch of LDS mothers and this specific post is about one woman's experience with hypno-birthing. She calls her experience amazing and says she was thrilled with the results. From what you said, I think this might be useful for you. It's at least worth it to look into it as you and your husband make whatever plans you make. smile Wow. I would seriously not recommend giving birth at home with a midwife. I considered this option myself, but the truth is, you have no idea what to expect, and it's best to be prepared for the worst. A friend of mine gave birth to her first child at home with a midwife (her mother, a nurse who'd given birth 10 times herself), and she was so swollen and torn, her mother could not stitch her up. So directly after giving birth, she had to sit in the car on a towel to catch all the bleeding to drive to the hospital where they could get her the medical attention she couldn't get at home. I'm not saying it happens every time. I know it works out great for lots of moms, but the truth is, you just don't know what to expect and it's best to be prepared. I'd hate to see something happen to you and your future child. I'm also well aware of hypno-birthing. But by the time I'd first heard about it, I was already three weeks away from giving birth. It's something I'm going to consider for next time though. That is, when I'm ready to consider "next time."
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Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 9:06 am
Well, a birth attended by a nurse and a birth attended by a licensed mid-wife are two different things. It doesn't matter how many times the attendee has given birth but how much they've been trained and how many births they have attended. Nurses are trained in many things but they are not specialists. Having a nurse attend your birth is like having a General Practitioner instead of an Ob/Gyn.
My best friend gave birth at home. She was attended by two licensed mid-wives. She was monitored carefully through the whole pregnancy and if they'd ever found a danger, they would have sent her to an Ob/Gyn right away. She was told to (and did) arrange with the nearest hospital to have a room ready and paid for just in case. Her daughter was born with one arm above her head. She did tear a little bit but the mid-wives took care of it. She never needed the hospital. In fact, the worst casualty was one of the mid-wives! She was attacked by my friend's cat who apparently thought my friend needed defending.
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Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:42 pm
Itesa Well, a birth attended by a nurse and a birth attended by a licensed mid-wife are two different things. It doesn't matter how many times the attendee has given birth but how much they've been trained and how many births they have attended. Nurses are trained in many things but they are not specialists. Having a nurse attend your birth is like having a General Practitioner instead of an Ob/Gyn. My best friend gave birth at home. She was attended by two licensed mid-wives. She was monitored carefully through the whole pregnancy and if they'd ever found a danger, they would have sent her to an Ob/Gyn right away. She was told to (and did) arrange with the nearest hospital to have a room ready and paid for just in case. Her daughter was born with one arm above her head. She did tear a little bit but the mid-wives took care of it. She never needed the hospital. In fact, the worst casualty was one of the mid-wives! She was attacked by my friend's cat who apparently thought my friend needed defending. No, her mother was both a licensed midwife as well as a nurse. I'm glad things turned out well for your friend.
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Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 10:01 pm
Having gone thorugh infertility myself, if you want to know if someone has children thats fine.
say, so do you have any children. If the answer is No, then simply move onto another subject.
It is one of the rudest things in the world to ask a woman why she doesn't have any children.
She will explain if she wants to, usually a normal response is no, were waiting to finsih school, or no, we just haven't been blessed yet.
for the first two years that works, but after that it's just hard to deal with.
so if thier isn't any forthcoming comment as to why, then please don't ask.
Adoption is a wonderful thing, I have many women in my family who have gone through the adoption process, none of these ways has been easy or a "cake walk". but it all has been worth every moment.
I myself look forward to adoption.
heart
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Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 1:03 pm
kittylin No, her mother was both a licensed midwife as well as a nurse. I'm glad things turned out well for your friend. *nods* I'm sorry your friend had a bad time but I'm also glad it was easily dealt with.
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Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:02 am
Wow, so many responses.
On the original subject. My best friend has been dealing with infertility for a long time. She's been trying to get pregnant for 5 years. My heart breaks every time she calls me upset because someone said something stupid. The absolute hardest thing for me is having to call her and tell her that I am pregnant. A lot of times I don't say anything to her, I just listen. I cry with her. She finally got pregnant last year and then miscarried. THen I knew what to say, I've been there three times myself. It's one of those things that I think you just need to step back and think about what your comment could sound like from the other perspective.
On labor, it's not that bad. It hurts, it hurts worse than anything, but it's bearable. I had my first in a hospital where I almost died. The dr did nothing, but stand there and watch the nurses work on me. That's what my husband, mom, sister, and best friend all said. I don't know, I was passed out. My sister left the room and told my dad she thought I had died. Next time I went to a birth center with a certified nurse midwife. She was amazing. I didn't get to do a water birth because my iron was too low, but it was ok anyways. No pain meds whatsoever in a 20 hour labor. I went there for my third as well. Again no pain meds, everything was wonderful.
The midwife was prepared for any possibility. The EMS could get you to either hospital in under 5 minutes. She had oxygen, pitocin shots (to help stop bleeding, not to make you have contractions), and all sorts of stuff in case of emergencies. If there was any clue that there was anything off you went immediately to the hospital just to be safe. In over 10 years of being there she never lost a mom or baby and none of her hospital transports were with EMS, so no emergencies. SHe has since moved and there are no others in my area. It will of course be a matter of prayer, but I'm hoping for the next one to do an unattended homebirth, meaning just me and my husband.
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