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| The best comedian of this week is |
| MSh3pard |
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25% |
[ 1 ] |
| Omen Aesir |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Demonlady33 |
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50% |
[ 2 ] |
| Marin1 |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Cole1220 |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Silverfang the Cursed |
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25% |
[ 1 ] |
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| Total Votes : 4 |
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 Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 5:42 pm
The winner of week 5 was all of the posts. Congratulations to all of you for a great week, last week there was criticism given. You will get your gifts very soon, but beware, this week I will not decide who the 1st, 2nd and 3rd place winners are, the voters in the guild will. You can start your jokes for week 6 when you are ready.
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Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 7:04 pm
I will cast the poll at the end of this week. So good luck to all of you, i enjoyed your jokes.
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Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 7:37 pm
first again, i suppose. yay for voting too!
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
“Mornin’ bye” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are dey den, son?” asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on de good earth are dey for?” inquires the Newfie.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving” says Tiger.
“Freeckin Jaysus” says the Newfie, “Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything”.
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Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 11:18 pm
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
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Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 1:02 am
there were 3 nuns in the church 2 were crying 1 was laughing the priest walked up to a crying nun and said 'why are you crying' the nun said i killed someone, the priest said go drink from the holy water. he went up to the 2nd crying nun and said why are you crying she said ' i stole a car' and he told her to drink from the holy water. then he went up to the laughing nun and said 'why are u laughing?' she said 'i peed in the holy water'
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Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 9:18 am
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
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Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 5:07 pm
A blonde walks into a bar all happy and excited
than a few more blondes walk in to join the other blonde while shouting "54, 54." the bartender was curious but kept to himself
than another group of blondes enter also shouting "54, 54" and asking for a bunch of beers
there are now about 7 blondes and the bartenders even more curious why they are shoutin 54.
he walks over and asks them " why are u guys so excited and shouting 54?"
the blondes respond " the puzzles we did said 2-3 years and we finished it in 54 days!!"
for people who don't like blonde jokes:
i couldn't resist this one lmao.
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Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 7:05 pm
Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals
Objectionable Methods
By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995
TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257
BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor.
JUDGE: To what?
DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also
have no objections at this time.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some-
thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.
PROSECUTION: The people do not.
DEFENSE: Do too.
PROSECUTION: Do not.
DEFENSE: Do too.
DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty!
JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed.
PROSECUTION: Where were we?
JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on "Do not."
PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not.
DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the
defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F.
Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr.
PROSECUTION: Objection, your honor. The people have reason to believe
that that is not really F. Lee Bailey.
(A murmer runs through the courtroom.)
JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! I ordered the murmers removed from this
courtroom!
BAILIFF (drawing his gun): We'll take care of it, sir.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly
ever SAYS anything? He just sits there, day after day, not moving.
The people request permission to stick him with a pin.
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
F. LEE BAILEY: sssssssssssss
JUDGE: Let the record show that "F. Lee Bailey" is actually an inflat-
able doll wearing a $1,000 suit.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. That suit cost $1,500.
JUDGE WAPNER: Do you have a receipt?
DEFENSE: Objection! This judge is from a completely different TV
show!
JUDGE: I'll sustain the objection.
DEFENSE: Which one?
JUDGE: I have no idea. Let's proceed with the expert witness.
PROSECUTION (to witness): Please state your name and the size of your
book advance.
EXPERT WITNESS: My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is
$350,000.
PROSECUTION: And who will be playing you in the movie version?
EXPERT WITNESS: We are thinking Brad Pitt.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. We were thinking of Brad Pitt to
play us.
PROSECUTION: Brad Pitt? YOU? Your honor, the people request permis-
sion to laugh until little snot bubbles form in the people's nostrils.
DEFENSE (sarcastically): And we suppose the prosecution wishes to be
played by Demi Moore?
PROSECUTION: Sharon Stone.
JUDGE: I'll allow it. Proceed.
PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not?
EXPERT WITNESS: I am.
PROSECUTION: And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this
way, or the way the people wore it before?
EXPERT WITNESS: This way.
JUDGE: What about my beard?
EXPERT WITNESS: With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more
impressive facial hair on a coconut.
(Laughter.)
JUDGE (angrily): Bailiff! Where is that laughter coming from?
BAILIFF: From inside a set of parentheses.
JUDGE: I'll allow it. Continue.
PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B. Can you
identify this item for the court?
EXPERT WITNESS (examining it): Yes. That is a DNA molecule belonging
to the defendant.
DEFENSE: Objection! We can't see the exhibit!
PROSECUTION: Of COURSE you can't, you idiot. It's a MOLECULE.
EXPERT WITNESS: Or a poppy seed. There's a 73 per cent chance either
way.
PROSECUTION: Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert
words, what "DNA" stands for?
EXPERT WITNESS: Yes.
PROSECUTION: I see. Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as
an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or
poppy seed at the scene of the...
EXPERT WITNESS: Tell WHAT jury?
JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! The jury escaped again!
(Another murmer runs through the court.)
GUN: BANG!
BAILIFF: I got the murmer, your honor!
DEFENSE: Objection! The bailiff shot a reporter for The National
Enquirer.
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to
track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask
the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions.
JUDGE: Of course.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. As counsel for the defendant, we
cannot...
JUDGE: Hey! Where's the defendant?
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