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 Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 3:57 pm
Congratulations to demon lady for winning week 3. I left criticism in week 3's post so you comedian's know where to change things. So there will be actual voters, voting for your jokes.
Start your new jokes for this week when you are ready.
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 4:15 pm
A guy (we'll call him John) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 4:43 pm
Three guys are waiting to get into heaven and the gatekeeper says to them, “if you got a good story I’ll let you in.”
The first guy comes up and tells his story, “well I came home from work to find my wife on the bed all sweaty like she just finished having sex, and I hear the refrigerator door open and close. When I got to the kitchen I see this guy sitting on my balcony so I push him off, but the bushes broke his fall. So I through the refrigerator on him, but my leg was tangled in the cord. so, i fell down with it and died.”
Gatekeeper says, “well that’s a good story so go on in.’
The second guy tells his story, “well I was cleaning my windows when I fell on to the balcony below me. Then this crazy guy comes and pushes me off. Luckily the bushes broke my fall, but then he threw a refrigerator on me. needless to say that was the end of me.”
Gatekeeper says, “Well go on in.”
The last guy comes up and says one word, “refrigerator.”
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Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 11:35 am
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
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Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 3:12 pm
he Beer Help Desk
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 12:52 am
Three nuns die and go to St. Peter's gate to get into Heaven, St. Peter is there and says "You only have to answer one question and you can get into Heaven." The nuns all look at each other and say "Ok". St. Peter looks at the first nun and says "Who was the first man on earth?" the nun replies "Well, that's an easy one Adam." St. Peter says Ok you got it right step on in." He turns to the second nun and aska "Who was the first woman on earth?" The second nun says "Well that was Eve." St. Peter lets her into Heaven as well. He then looks at the third nun and aska "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The third nun thinks and thinks about this and looks at St. Peter and said "Well, this is a hard one." St. Peter opens the gates to Heaven and says "Come on in!"
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 11:24 am
A guy and his friend were out hunting when, suddenly, the friend falls down, convulsing. The convulsion stop, and the friend is silent, his eyes glazed over.
The guy proceeds to call 911.
Operator: "State you emergency"
Guy: "My friend just collapsed, and was flailing all over, now he's just laying there, silent, with his eyes glazed over, what do I do?"
Operator: "First, let's make sure your friend is dead."
*Silence, then a gunshot is heard*
Guy: "Okay, now what?"
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 6:07 pm
Demonlady33 Three guys are waiting to get into heaven and the gatekeeper says to them, “if you got a good story I’ll let you in.” The first guy comes up and tells his story, “well I came home from work to find my wife on the bed all sweaty like she just finished having sex, and I hear the refrigerator door open and close. When I got to the kitchen I see this guy sitting on my balcony so I push him off, but the bushes broke his fall. So I through the refrigerator on him, but my leg was tangled in the cord. so, i fell down with it and died.” Gatekeeper says, “well that’s a good story so go on in.’ The second guy tells his story, “well I was cleaning my windows when I fell on to the balcony below me. Then this crazy guy comes and pushes me off. Luckily the bushes broke my fall, but then he threw a refrigerator on me. needless to say that was the end of me.” Gatekeeper says, “Well go on in.” The last guy comes up and says one word, “refrigerator.” This one is kinda funny, but I had to count it out because the last part threw me off.
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 6:09 pm
Silverfang the Cursed he Beer Help Desk SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar. This one was good but it started off way to cold, although you had a great finish.
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 6:27 pm
MSh3pard A guy (we'll call him John) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know. When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done. ''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?'' Lol, very good I can imagine the frantic banging of the hammer. It was a hard choice between you and marin1's joke.
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 6:30 pm
Marin1 The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave. The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house. "Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep" "Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed." Lol, I loved this one also, I could really imagine this one in the works. Because your joke and MSh3pard's jokes were so good, I had to make you 2 a tie. COngratulations.
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