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 Posted: Mon Jun 29, 2009 1:57 am
I want this kind of feedback: Mostly character, but I could go for both. <3
Level of feedback: Brutal/Whatever you can send my way. There is always room for improvement and I need to get back into the swing of things. <3
Anything else? I've been gone for a while, but I think I am ready to dive back into the world of Noctua.
Part I - The Sentinel
Player: Aurrie Beaues
Name: Hollowthatch
Nicknames: Hollow, 'Low
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Fledgling
Hatch Date: 04/04/09
Type: Aberrant
Task: Fledgling
Personality: Hollowthatch has a bone to pick with nearly everyone. The young sentinel has a large personality, despite her small stature, and a loud temper to match! It isn't uncommon for her to try and dominate her peers, as she is one who likes to be in control of nearly everything around herself. That in and of itself can be a bit of a wee problem, given her young age and her current living situation. Beneath that cranky, hungry, brash, glaring exterior, she truly is a caring youngster and she values what friends she has above all else, she just tends to express herself differently. She is painfully aware of her status as an aberrant. The minders treat her well and she is quite taken with most of them, though she is often a little hellion, but she has seen her fair share of teasing by a few of the larger charges.
History: Hollowthatch is still fairly young, so there really isn't much to her past so far. She and several other sentinels in the care of the minders were the result of a fling between Foxfeather and "Crinkleleaf." She doesn't know her parents all too well, and that suits her just fine, truth be told. She has yet to meet her mother, but her father has dropped by to visit her on a few rare occasions.
Mostly to instill in her little noggin just how pure her lineage is. Oh, those stripes around her face disks? They aren't anything. Just random markings. Her lines are too pure for her own good. Obviously.
He has told her little of her mother's heritage, only that she is the prettiest Deep Wood ever. And she is definitely Deep Woods. Definitely.
She has come to two decisions, he is in denial or completely daft. Either way, she never looks forward to his visits and otherwise is fairly comfortable in her life amongst the minders, despite the odd little scuffle between she and other fledglings.
Territory: The Minder's Enclave
Mate: ---
Companions: ---
Certificate:
Part II - Companions
Name: ---
Species: ---
Age: ---
Speech Ability: ---
Intelligence:
Skill:Quote: Two quick things just to start you off:
The image needs to link to the one stored at the noctua.ca server.
Since Hollowthatch was a result of a fling breeding she will have been handed to the minders as an egg and would not have lived with her parents at all. Fox could have visited his kids, sure, but they have never lived with him.
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Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 2:31 pm
I want this kind of feedback: Both Level of feedback: Brutal/Grammar-Cthulhu Anything else? Hmmm... nope. Part I - The Sentinel
Player: Pearlyblue
Name: Mulberry
Nicknames: None. There are too many girls her age whose name ends with "berry"
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Young adult
Hatch Date: 22/2
Type: Wildtype
Task: Watcher
Personality: Mulberry is outgoing to the point of almost being a bit pushy about it. She greatly enjoys the company of others and has little understanding for those who do not - her perky, gung-ho attitude has earned her some annoyance from time to time. Others have found it difficult NOT to like her and her infectuous enthusiasm.
Mulberry is usually confident and ready to take initiative, so it is a bit surprising that she is still so undecided about her Task: She loves Watching for all the socialising that she gets to do, and takes it very seriously, but ever since she was a little fledgling, Mulberry has always had a strong fascination with Mus. The way they look, their eminent convenience as companions, as well as their delectable taste, and she will take any chance to talk with Mus Keepers about the specifics of their Task.
Her parents had some hopes of seeing her chose the same task as them, but Hunting really seems to be the furthest thing from her mind.
History: Mulberry's parents are both Hunters, and as such they are often gone from Deep Woods for long periods of time. Mulberry has never really minded that, though: She was perfectly content to be raised part-time by Minders, and today, she is perfectly content to keep their territory safe for them while they are away. She has yet to move out and find a good territory of her own, but since her parents are not planning another clutch anytime soon, it is not an acute problem at this time.
Territory: Her parents' territory in the outer parts of Deep Woods. It has a nice, big hollow, but not much else going for it.
Mate: None yet. But she wouldn't mind one...
Companions: Snowy
Certificate:
Part II – Companions
Name: Snowy
Species: Mus
Age: Adult
Speech Ability: 4
Intelligence: 4
Skill: A little bit of everything. He is good companionship, good at listening and remembering conversations - in case his mistress would forget anything when she is called on to report, and quite good at gathering food from places that Mulberry can't, or won't, reach. Such as the ground.
Quote: I like that she still lives at her parents' place xd
Character wise it looks good, but I think the structure can be polished a bit. More "air" in the form would make it easier to read. AH, screw this, I'll explain what I mean in Swedish. En till radbrytning mellan varje stycke skulle inte skada --> mer luft. The second paragraph (the one that's just one sentence) isn't flowing very well with the rest. Either flesh that paragraph out a bit, or merge it with another paragraph or scrap it altogether.
You forgot to use the form from the first page... The font size is off.
Aand you're pushing it a bit with one of my pet peeves - too many parentheses. It works as it is, but don't stick any more in there razz Yosh, Smoothed it out a bit and threw away the second paragraph - couldn't make it work out for me, really. I'll just let her RP partners figure that part out. Also removed a couple of parentheses, because they weren't neccessary. How's it look now? Quote: Looks good to me! Approved and posted.
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Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 10:35 pm
I want this kind of feedback: Character mostly, but if something about the grammar makes you cringe, please tell me! Level of feedback: Brutal/Grammar-Cthulhu Anything else? My first fledgling since Thorn; I might be a little out of touch! Part I - The Sentinel
Player: Scaramouche Fandango
Name: Gypsum
Nicknames: Gyp, Gypsy
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Fledgling
Hatch Date: 4 April
Type: Ghost
Task: Fledgling
Personality: Gypsum is a fledgling who likes to think. She likes to think about the night sky, and insects, and about happy families and what Minders do when they're away from the enclave. She likes to think about what fire is, especially since she's never seen one, and about what keeps the leaves on the trees. She fixates easily on moving things; she'll often nearly tumble from the nest drying to catch moths, and she'll spend good amounts of time in rapture watching her own feathers or a wayward grasshopper. Truth be told, though, she's not distracted easily and can concentrate on whatever it is she's thinking about very well for somebody her age. You'd think with all this thinking that she'd be something of an introvert, but the truth is that one of her favorite things to think about is her friends! And she has lots of them, or at least she thinks she does- she likes everybody in the enclave, and she's pretty sure everybody likes her, too- at least a little bit. She's always eager to please, and tends to be very agreeable in conversation, to the point where she will temporarily change her own opinion to prevent an argument. This... can cause problems sometimes, as an argument of he-said, she-said can often turn out to be she-said, she-said-something-else! But her heart is in the right place.
History: There's not too much in Gyp's past. Really, the only major event so far has been her surrender to the care of the Minders. Ever since then, she's been insatiably curious about who her parents are. After much persistent questioning, she knows that her mother is a teacher, and that she had purple eyes, and that she had two mus, but that could be any Ghost teacher in the forest. Although she sees life in the enclave as a permanent sleepover, she's always hoped for a visit from her mother or dad.
Territory: The Minders' Enclave
Mate: Not yet
Companions: None yet!
Certificate:
Quote: Right, I'm probably not going to be totally coherent, but it's a first round of feedback at least. I'll ask Pearly to have a go at it too.
No major grammar issues as far as I can see but I do have a very nitpicky comment: Using "thruth be told" and then "the truth is" seems a bit repetitive. But no big deal, really and you can keep if if you want it that way.
She sounds like such a sweet little girl, and I think it will be fun to play someone so friendly and agreeable. Could lead to some interesting conflicts, and that’s always nice smile I couldn’t help but smile when I read the part about her liking and being friends with everyone. Imagine when she meets someone who doesn’t like her... I can see one of two things happening. She either goes "But I’m going to like you and be your friend anyway!" and eventually wears down the grumpy sentinel, or you get some nice drama and conflict when she has to deal with the fact that everyone does not love her.
Some parts of her personality seem a bit conflicting the way this is written now. I think I understand what you are trying to say, but it can probably be written more clearly.
The way you write her makes it sound like she is easily distracted, or at least easily drawn to moving objects, but in the next sentence you say she is not, in fact, easily distracted. Confusing. Do you mean that she’s not easily distracted as in “Ohhh! Shiny thing! Oooh! Butterfly!” but that she might seem easily distracted since she focuses so completely on certain things and thus misses others? (as in, focuses on moving object and forgets to look where she’s going)
You also write that she is not introverted, but she does spend a lot of time thinking about her friends and about other things. To me that sounds like she is slightly introverted, but not unfriendly. Perhaps if you changed the word introverted to something else? Right now I read it and go “But... You are describing her as a rather introverted person, should I listen to what you say or to what you describe?”
I’m also a bit curious about her parent-curiosity. Since it’s so normal to be minder raised there is no stigma about having no parents, and most fledglings don’t think much about their original parents at all. So why did Gypsum become so fixated on finding out who they are? I’m not saying she can’t be curious about her origins, but it’s a bit unusual so figuring out why she is might be a good exercise to get to know her. You might not have to write it all in her history, but it can help a lot in RP to have thought about it.
That's it for now I think smile
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