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surprised
That's actually pretty neat.

Nope.

I decided to go see Horrible Bosses today. Big mistake. The theater was packed and I’m willing to bet that most of the people in that theater originally intended to see the new Harry Potter movie, but since those theaters were packed with menstruating 14-year olds, they decided to cut their losses and see Horrible Bosses rather than wait for another 2 hours. So by the time I got there, the theater was packed and I was stuck with sitting in the front seat. Now it wasn’t a total hassle, since arriving late did allow me to avoid sitting through the atrocities they show on Regal First Look, like that Johnny Test commercial. What kind of moron watches that show anyway? Regardless, I tried sitting in the front row, but then I decided I still wanted to be able to move my neck until I was 90, so I decided to sit on the steps. Apparently the workers at Regal didn’t like that idea and told me to get in the front row. ******** that, I decided to get a refund.

I’m just going to tell it like it is. There are too many damn people in the world. Too many people waiting in line, too many people on the road, and too many people sitting in a theater. Skinny people, fat people, popular people, unpopular people, successful people, unsuccessful people, yuppies, hippies, conservatives, liberals, environmentalists, guidos, mobsters, preps, jocks, nerds, artsies, stoners, gangsters, actors, doctors, politicians, strippers, prostitutes, people from China, and everyone else in between. They’re all the same; annoying, walking slabs of meat and water or as HK-47 would call them: “Meatbags.”

We need to get rid of a few people in the world. I’ve compiled a short list of a few types of people we should start euthanizing:

People Who Constantly Have Their Cell Phones Out
Is it possible for anyone born after 1995 to go for at least 15 minutes without holding their damn iPhone in their hands? It’s as if they hope that by constantly having their trendy, “pimped-out” phones in their hands and texting all the time, they can garner some attention and praise from their stupid peers to make up for their otherwise vapid lives. Nobody with more than fifteen functioning neurons cares about how expensive or trendy your stupid phone is, least of all me. Cut that s**t out. If you can’t, you deserve to be shot.

People Who Hold Up Traffic in the Left Lane
Let’s get one thing straight. There are two traits all drivers should have: the ability to be alert while driving and the ability to drive fast. You can’t have one or the other; you have to have both. If you have only one or neither, you have no place on the road. Unfortunately, society doesn’t seem to agree with me, but I’m sure they understand my viewpoint, which is why we still have roads with at least two lanes. Dipshit drivers stay on the right lanes. If you drive slowly in the left lane, you’re an a*****e. It doesn’t matter how insignificant you think my rush is; when I want to get somewhere, regardless of priority, I want to get there as fast as possible. Either stay in the right lane or get the ******** off the road.

Carnival Game Vendors
These guys rank among the biggest scam artists in the world. They charge $5 per dart for you to try and get a poster you could buy for $1. Particularly egregious are the guys who rig their games. They’re as bad as casinos, yet for some reason it’s acceptable for people under 21 to waste their money on carnival games. I just got an idea for a new law I will pass if I ever become president: gambling will be allowed for people under 21. If people under 21 are allowed to waste their money on carnival games run by criminals, they should be allowed to waste their money on gambling, because it’s essentially the same thing: wasting your money in a game where the odds are stacked against you. It’s time these criminals be brought to justice. Gas chamber time! Oh, and speaking of people who waste money on carnival games…

People Who Waste Money on Carnival Games
Because you’re ******** idiots, that’s why.

Anyway, there are more people I could add to the list, but I think that’s enough for one day.

Oh, by the way, now that I think about it, I guess it was a good thing there were too many people in the theater that it forced me to get a refund: because even though I only watched 5 minutes of Horrible Bosses, I could tell the movie was s**t. Don’t see it. I decided to spend the money I got back on tissue and lotion instead. Me and my d**k agree that it was more worth the money than the movie.

Get the deluxe version with the artbook and Catherine pillowcase and cut your losses.

I thought you had a PS3.

******** your expectations and hopefulness. I will make you a hat. It will be shitty, but it will be a hat dammit