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Wow.... Will this be the Cafe's first catfight...? Dibs on the female!

*blinks*

Well, I do see where you're both coming from, but personally, I can't agree with certain PETA protests (as in Hawaii vs. the feral hogs). At the same time, animals do deserve some creature comforts--especially if they're going to end up on our dinner plate.

And frankly, veal is disgusting.
-Andrew

oh wow, you have a strange father, if i would've been there i would've grabbed the gyro and threw it at his face. twisted

Eh, what can I say. I know I'm not going to be able to make everyone laugh, but that doesn't mean I should stop trying, right?

You've been in a weird mixture of moods? What about me? I haven't felt like myself in weeks (more like a week)!

I've got news, guys. Let me start from the top.
~~~~~
So you remember John, right? Our salutarian? My crossword-puzzle buddy? Well, for those of you who don't know--and your numbers are fewer by the day--I've crushed on him.

Big time.

At first, I just thought it was a little thing that would eventually go away with time, or deeper friendship--it was just a cute, awkward phase I would enjoy. Wrong. Had I looked into my heart, I think I would have seen it there--that perfect, flawless attraction. This isn't a fatally flawed crush--it isn't built on the wrong foundations, and the necessities are definitely there. He's not only physically attractive to me, but he can speak with me like a person, unafraid of me, of who or what I am. He interests me, and our conversations are both real and deep. Our small talk is full of light laughter and around us the air is full of gentle playfulness. When I'm around him, I can dream sweetly and clearly, and a world of possibilities exists around him in a way that reminds me of Will. It is his passion for reason, I think, that I find devastatingly attractive.
--
I talked to Robert about this, and his girlfriend, too. He told me exactly what I knew confirming my heart's intentions. He said, "You can either be friends with him or tell him," to which I replied, "But if I am his friend long enough, I'll have to tell him." He nods, "That's the point. If you're going to be true friends, you'll have to be honest with him." As if reading my mind, he nods right before I finish, "It's a matter of when, then."

He didn't need to say it. He's never had to. But Lizzy (his girlfriend) did later this week: "If you need me, I'm there."

I don't need to say it either, but I will anyway. I love my friends.
--
I talked to Tay about this yesterday, and once again, she advises me against action. I'm starting to question her belief in people...but she sees some good in me, right? Still she said not to tell him. I wasn't going to.
--
But in Latin, I saw him. We were doing a crossword together (after the scramlets and the cryptoquote), and I started talking. I asked him if he had ever felt leashed by him emotions, to which he replied that he had at times, but that he usually just follows his heart. I nodded to that, quoting what I had told a friend: "Nothing can make you happy without your heart's consent.". He laughed and agreed.

It was then that I started telling him David's story and mine. I told him how awkward it was, but that I had to tell him, because he deserved to know. I told him that it felt like my heart controlled me, but he asked if it weren't the truest thing to myself I had done. I was shocked--no one has so quickly or so abruptly made that jump. I readily agreed, and added that afterwards, I felt so...free.

The bell rang just as I was tying up the story, and I felt his reluctance to leave keenly echoing my own. (I'm getting much better at sensing others' feelings.) I held his gaze with my own, and told him that he knew where this discussion had been heading. He said he thought so, to which I told him that if he didn't know than he didn't deserve to be salutarian, but I smiled when I said it, and he left smiling, too.

It was strange...I held his gaze. Even as he walked away from me, he looked at me, and listened to my words. What's more, he looked into my eyes without hesitation, and heard my heart without shock. I can say beyond any doubt that I have never met anyone like him.
--
I thought about him all through math, and even my playfulness with Jay was seriously downplayed. My heart wasn't in it, and I know it showed. A part of me...most of me, was somewhere else. Everything felt so...pale and waxy and somehow lifeless. Not because of what I said, but what I didn't say.

While I'm on the topic, I decided a little while ago that I would be less overtly flirtatious with guys just to make them feel awkward. But today in math, I tried to apologize for making Jay the object of flirtation, but he, his friend, and his potential girlfriend all said that they enjoyed it. *sigh* I think it's okay to wear a veil sometimes, if others can see through it, but still enjoy it. And I'd be lying if I said it wasn't part of me--there is a part of me that is flirtatious and outrageous and out and fiery about it. But I'm going to have to learn how to channel that part of me in a new way--in a less painful way, perhaps, than to the people around me.
--
Back on the topic, I felt so...restless, I guess. I decided to walk a different way today, partially because I wanted to be a little bit...alone. So I took a path through some trees, when I saw--

Them. Holding hands. Kissing.

I held my breath. I waited, hoping that they would leave together, or split, or something, just so I could get away. But they didn't. I'm ashamed to say that I took a picture of them, and I'm not posting it, and you can't make them out, but there is such an air around them...even the most insensitive person could feel it.

Eventually, it became clear that they weren't going anywhere. I decided to walk past them and go on my way--this wasn't the time to talk. It seems now like Fate had other plans. Just as before, I couldn't not look at him, and at them. He smiled at her, and my heart pounded with joy at his happiness. He looked up and saw me and--

And waved!

I went over, unsure of what to expect, when wouldn't you know it, out of my mouth comes, "I've never seen you smile like that, John." He blushed, and his girlfriend smiles as I say, "I suspect that you're behind this." We all laughed, and I said, "I think it's a woman's gift to make a man smile like that." Then I thought of just how lucky I was, having so many girls who can make me smile different smiles, each perfect in their own way, and somehow inseparable from the occasion.

We bantered back and forth, and I gave them my blessing as a couple I liked together with much ceremony but little pomp. She eventually had to go, and so John and I talked.

I said, "I'm glad to see you smile like that." If he were Robert, I thought, he would understand innately that I meant that he smiled with his eyes when she was around. I swear, stars could not shine brighter than his eyes. Then I said, "It's like Robert and Lizzy. They smile, and each time, you can see their hearts open up a little more. And Robert deserves to have his heart opened." Truly opened. "The air around them is so warm." I laughed and he laughed, and we batted back topic after topic until we reached the front of school.

It's strange to think about. We were almost at the place where I said goodbye to Robert, for I thought the last time. It seems almost fated now that our real discussion would start there.

I don't exactly remember how it started, but we stumbled around saying it, yet each blunder was something new, and somehow hilarious to each of us. I told him the truth, that I wouldn't--and couldn't--take advantage of him even if I tried. He truly has nothing to fear from me--in a strange way, I feel equal to him, if opposite. I remember saying, "It's a lot like Henson", and then saying, "No. No it's not." And we both laughed so hard because we knew exactly what I meant, and exactly what I thought with the mistake. I knew he had questions, but he said he wasn't confused, as if it's the same thing at all. I sighed.

I told him what had been on my mind ever since David. "I can't expect you to be Robert." I said it as though he would know, and I truly thought he would. But he asked me what I meant. I explained, "Well...Robert is...do you know what Robert said to me when I came out to him and told him I liked him?" He shook his head (and his curls, ah!), and I continued. "He asked me if we were still friends." I sighed, and I know he understood exactly the blending of feelings I had for that boy. He seemed upset a little, like I wasn't giving him enough credit.

And I realized.

I wasn't.

I had slipped back into acting on presumption instead of listening to the whispers of my heart. He's safe to me, and I to him. For once I felt terrible around him. I apologized, and he rolled his eyes. I apologize too often around him, he says, and earlier, he had said that he wouldn't even note my apologies anymore. I countered saying that I had one that he should take, that I would give him later.

My feeling was right. I had a final apology for him. But it wasn't for liking him, like I had thought. It was for underestimating him. He rolled his eyes, but in our strange way, that was acknowledgment.

It came time for him to go (to crew, actually), and I was willing to keep myself at a distance from him, lest he take it the wrong way. But he paused a moment, and said, "Hug?" and opened his arms. For the first time in a long, long time, I've been able to hug someone without fear of hurting them. In that single word, he set me free--that someone like him could hug someone like me...even after--right after!--I told him I liked him...it released the dangerous grip I had had on my heart and renewed a part of me I had almost forgotten. For a few moments, the sweetness and relief and joy and lighthearted acceptance overwhelmed me, and for those few moments, I was whole.

No. It's much more than that. I felt like Andrew fully in the flesh. That me I must become did exist, if only for a short time. It's...like that final black mark on my soul was erased immediately, by my courage and his, and by the force of Love itself, incarnate between us. For the first time, I felt joy on a level that I could only taste around Robert, and perhaps with Henson and Haley together.

But then, we separated, and the echoes of the feeling rang soundly through me, wiping out the smaller wickednesses with resounding peals, and giving my heart the strength to fight harder to release its full extent. That black mark I found wasn't completely gone, but severely paled and broken.

And I realized again how futile trying to change yourself is without the people you care about, the people you love and who love you, the people you respect and admire, and who might just return those feelings at least--without the people in my life, any change would be either trivial or short-lived. It takes courage and compassion and true strength to enact lasting change, and I think all of us forget the meaning of these things sometimes, without a little reminder.

So that's what I'd like to dedicate this mega-post to--

To Acceptance!
*clinks mugs full of Celebration Special with friends, and drinks deep*
To Good Friends!
*repeat*
To Sweet Surprises!
*repeat*
To Courage, and Honesty!
*repeat*
To Hope, and Love!
*repeat*
Last time, everybody!
--sways--
To Lasting Change!
*falls on the floor*

Next morning....
What the hell was in that Celebration Special...?

Love and Vale,
-Andrew

it's good to have friends like that.

Cool. So...let's see. It's pretty quiet in here, huh? Where's...let's see...Lion, Tommy, Muse, Elv, and Cari? And KiyoKyo!

It's so...lonely! crying crying crying

...And I want some feedback on the megapost....
-Leavy-Kun

I would, but... Latter Days is on, and you know it is my favorite gay movie....
-Andrew

School ends April 3rd for me, and because I have next to no ******** drive to do school work anymore, I'm sort of trying to catch up what I've been missing over the past few months. As hypocritical as that sounds.

So I've got like a week left of school, so been busy with getting that s**t done. My grampa will hopefully die tonight, keeping my fingers crossed. My cousin's baby boy is due next month, hopefully and there is rumour that I'm being considered for position of God Father. That basically means I'll need to buy an a** load of cotton balls and start of a drug cartel. I've also started learning the Recorder again.

So that's why I haven't been on, that and COD4 online is retarded addicting, and Rainbow Six Vegas 2 just came out, which is pretty bad a**.

But yeah, my cousin's baby shower was today, I haven't seen her in so long and she isn't that tall, maybe 4'10"? And she's got this funny big belly on her and her and her husband just bought a new house, WOW, I'm so ******** jealous, they have this room that is all wood, the ceiling, the walls, the floor is slate, so sexy, and right in the middle of the room is a gas fire place surround by stone masonry, it was fo sheezy. And rumour also has it that they are considering Justin for the baby's name ^_^.

Well that's my update, as to everything else, Peta can go to hell, veal tastes delicious, Lea stop over thinking EVERYTHING and Shadow I'm glad to hear your cousin made it back safe and sound, I fully support our troops.

Justin