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Okay... I promised Nick I'd tell everyone what happened to me today.

I went to work at 6am. I was transfered and it was my first time at this store for me. When I got there they didn't have my time card, they didn't have a locker ready for me and instead of giving me a supervisor's or customer service position (like I was hired as) they put me out doing truck! Grunt work! I went to college and worked there for nearly a year working my way up, earning respect and responsibility to throwing cardboard in a trash compactor for five hours for $8.75/hr. I got my nice work cloths all dirty and my shirt even got a hole in it.

Everyone there was Hispanic, so they were giving out instructions in Spanish. I don't know much Spanish anymore... So I didn't understand anything.

A LOT of my friends are Hispanic, so don't go thinking it's a racist thing.

Then when I went to lunch everything just hit me. The separation, the move, the job... And a lot of other things.

I had a panic attack in my car. I couldn't breath right, I was shaking and wanting to scream, cry and throw up all at once. I didn't think I would be able to drive home, but I did.

I'm not going back to that store. I'm looking for new work now.

yay! i'll only have about a 16 hour day today! xd unlike yesterday where i was up for 18... stare and it'll will probably be about that for tomorrow too. stupid school and work stare

Woah woah! What's this I hear about separation muse? You and the hubby didn't....?

That's bullshit, pardon my afront to livestock. They made you work labour after you went to school for a higher up retail position? Crap, that's... wow. Ain't no way I'd go through university for being a teacher and end up a Janitor, even if the money is good.

Anyway, umm, not much to really say. I know I've been pretty MIA from this place, I'm trying to get my life on track! School is almost out, thank goodness, but now's the time for a hundred assignments, 50 projects and umpty exams! Wooh! Let the bodies hit the floor!

Wow I'm going nuts. I can't wait till friday. I'm DM'ing (running a Dungeons and Dragons campaign) game night Friday with 5 of my buddies and I can't wait. I just hope everyone can make it. that reminds me, I should email them to make sure they're free. Goodness what I wouldn't do for a full Saturday afternoon to just get everyone together and play some hardcore D&D. And don't anyone give me that luck just cause I'm playing a fantasy narrative fiction tabletop rope-playing game... I gots no patience.

Anyway, time for bed, I have shopping in the morning with the GRAND mother, that should be fun, stock up on all the essentials. Night everyone!

the Lion

Yep... we're split. It was kind of a long time coming.

I am SO SICK of my drama. xd (And I'm sure you guys are too rofl )

Hows this, Leavy-Kun?


heart

Oh, muse, you're absolutely amazing! When I get home, I'm so saving that to my computer. (Now if I could only figure out how not to suck, so I could easily use the note, but that's going to be a while in coming, too.)

Yeah, Muse, we're always glad to hear your stories--and it's good to have a variety of drama, I think. You know, some tragedies, some romances, etcetera.

Love and Vale!
-Andrew

You know...I saw Haley today.

I decided to see her last period, and thought I would lose her. I ran to her; she was in Latin class, actually. I'm starting to think that most of the important things in my life will always happen in Latin class.

Anyway, I saw her. I didn't see anyone else--not really. I only saw her, my Haley, the crowned prom queen. I hugged her, and gave her my congratulations. She asked why I was out of breath, and I told her the truth--I had sprinted there to catch her before the final bell rang.

Then she asked me a question that cut me pretty deeply. She asked why I cared so much, because I didn't even know her. I laughed and told her that it was because I wanted to know her that I cared so much. She asked me why, and I told her that it was because she was so special. She asked me what I meant, and I told her the truth:

That I could see honesty and beauty inside her. I had to be succinct, but to elaborate, I would say that her beauty and honesty really shone in her effortlessness. In her elegance.

She asked me if it was creepy, and I laughed and told her no, but that it might be if she were male. Then we talked about guys, quickly and easily changing the topic, and I didn't reveal my awkwardness or hurt at the last. I enjoyed not having to fall into myself at the questions she raises in me, immediately.

The truth is that I love her. I love what she means to me--what she means to so many people. I love her will, her charisma, her beauty, her kindness. Truth be told, I admire these things in her as much as I envy her easiness of nature. She truly is a very special young woman, and I wish her all the joy and love in the world.

But there is a deeper truth I realized today, one that doesn't hurt me at all. I know exactly why I care so deeply for her: she always saw right through me. She saw through my anger and my depression, my sorrow and my lust--none of my bad qualities ever stopped her from talking to me, or from trying to get to know me. She saw me with eyes unclouded by prejudice at my physical form and disgust at my essence. She saw the me I might be able to become, before I even knew myself. I truly believe that she saw me blossom before I began, and it's strange, you know, because...without her, I wouldn't be the same person at all. Her openness and acceptance opened my heart and shattered the walls I used to hide behind. She is light to me: a pure, gentle, unblemished light like dawn, and against her no shadows hold any power over my soul. She washed over me like sweet rain onto parched earth, and filled me with hope and understanding--how could I ever do anything but love her, when she has done so much for me and I have done so little for her, and yet she's still there, smiling at me, as if I'm...someone special. How could I do anything but revel in her existence? She brings out the best in me. How could I be anything less than gracious? She has done for me what I have seen religion do for others: she makes my eyes shine and my heart smile. How could I not have faith in her, or wish her anything less than health and happiness?

How could I not love her? How could I not want to know her, or protect her? And she wants to know why I notice her? She wants me to show her why she's so special to me?

Gods and men, each and every one of them, but we're all blind as bats if someone so good can't even see their own beauty. I think it takes someone else to point it out to us--even if that someone can't compare.

The truth is this: she's the one who deserves to be shown kindness. She is the one who deserves to be looked at with openness and understanding. She is the one who deserves to be loved. But she has done all these things for me, even when I never deserved them. How could I not love her? I take immense joy in seeing her ascend a throne, even ceremonial, but I don't believe that it was unreasonable--I simply watched as karma played itself out. I admit that I regret not seeing her actually crowned, but I had always seen it inside of her anyway--I missed the formalities, but not the important parts.

I realized today that I was trying to separate Haley my friend from Haley my inspiration, but the truth is that there are so many truths to recount that I don't know where to begin. She's more than just an ideal to me, she's a person. And that person is my hero--more than anyone else in the whole world.

I love her. I love her...not just because of what she means to me, but because of what she has done for me, because she saw goodness in me when I saw only wickedness. I love her because she is herself, pure and true and wonderful. Simply wonderful.

Is it really any surprise?

Love and Vale,
-Andrew

Ack! Oh my goodness!
Just popping in real quick, but as I scanned previous posts...

THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME!!! Leavaros, Friday IS Pi Day!!! biggrin DD
I looove Pi Day. I don't remember if I celebrated last year by eating pie, hold on, lemme check...

According to my Memory Journal -- oh, I've been writing down everything since December 24th, 2oo6 -- according to my Memory Journal, I did indeed have apple pie on 3/14 last year! At a Golden Coral restaurant with my friends while we were on our way to Louisiana with my family. Yum.

Oh Varos, you're so speculative it amazes me that you're able to get anything done. Its good that you have someone like that in your life and I'm glad you've decided to seek them out instead of merely idolizing them from afar. Also, I fear it is the blindness of the righteous and honourable of their own doings that they are constantly moving forward, or looking to someone or something else that can be done or helped to take a moment to see what they've done and truly measure themselves. She is lucky to have you, someone who will measure her for her.

I just wanted to say I'm kind of upset, actually I'm terribly upset, even though I really shouldn't be. Most of you will probably think this is ridiculous, but I just got through watching Sicko, by M. Moore. Now, I live in Canada, which means free health care and the only insurance anyone really needs is car insurance. The reason I'm upset is because I hold the majority of American's in terribly low regard, even those I know personally do little to instil any kind of confidence in me.

But that movie, hell, I haven't cried during a movie since The Notebook because you can't deny that ending pulled on a lot of heat strings. That movie showed me the darkest side of humanity I've ever come across. I've dealt with racists, sexists, hate mongers, traitors and betrayers, even celebrity. But nothing has sickened me to such grief as what I watched in that movie. Having watched it makes me want to go see a doctor for any of my many ailments simply because Canada gives me the human right to at no charge.

I thought doctors, a long time ago, were the last good people that you could trust in the world. After a stint in the hospital that saw me committed by someone claiming to be a doctor, I no longer trusted doctors, or rather, refused to trust them as far as I could throw them, and then promptly stopped working out. But I still trusted doctors to do the right thing, to help me, and make sure help got to anyone who needed it.

But what I saw in the movie snapped something in me and I can't even begin to describe the malice and anger I feel towards the HMO's, doctors and politicians and ANYONE connected to them. I couldn't even comprehend what they were saying when the one women spoke about how doctors were being paid more to not help people. I rewound it several times, I don't even think I believe I heard what she was saying. And everyone that dies because of them, what about them? The silent deaths of those who just don't matter, who are nothing more than a possible red mark on a sheet of paper.

I can't even sleep and its 20 to 2 AM I'm so upset, how can people not be doing anything about this? Because it isn't a benefit to them? Because they're already insured? Because they are doctors who couldn't give a rats a**? What happened to the hypocratic oath? Does that not apply when it might mean a longer Christmas vacation? I'm seething at this vapid all for one and none for all American attitude, and no I couldn't give a flipping ******** if anyone here is American and doesn't share this sentiment, by being complacent with what is going on you are part of the problem. Excuse me for being a zealot, or excuse me for caring about you.

I can handle watching genocide, death en masse, bitterness and hatred. Those have underscoring reasons, whether concocted by misguided parents or social leaders it hardly matters. But they kill for a purpose, are bitter for a reason and hate because they feel it was they must do. These so called doctors and death mongers I know, if there is a god, will burn in a special hell. Pardon my biblicalness. I hope God is real just because of them, I hope they all die slow and I hope that one day it is because someone who they denied help to is tearing the life from them. Hell I'd do all of them myself even if it meant dying in the process. Twisted, ******** up, capitalistic whores like that shouldn't exist. Evil is needed in the world, but for the first time in my entire life have I ever drawn a line so clear that I would never be able to commit such a thing.

Well, I've probably pissed of a good bunch of you, so I'll stop now and put on some music and try and drown myself in a dream.

Good night everyone, I wish you all good health.

the Lion