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Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2012 7:32 pm
Okay, here we go! First, humans don't normally just turn themselves into their "adult form" and there's nothing in the bio that indicates how he got that power. Usually that's what the bio is for. Now it'd make sense if it was because of his race, but all it says is human and I'm pretty sure humans don't go back and forth from their adult forms and their teenage forms. You also need one more flaw. We want a minimum of three. You also need to ad more detail about what he's like in his adult form. Does he have a big personality change when he goes from his teenage form to his adult form? Or does he just say the same but it's just that he's a lot quieter. Once you fix those, I'll go take a look again. ^^ And don't forget, the resources subforum is always there for you to look at.
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Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2012 7:49 pm
ok redited it c: and his older forms persona is in ( after his normal forms personality
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Elen_Gilthoniel Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 4:01 pm
Can you, before I approve, expand on his flaws. They're all borderline flaws, really. Okay.....but barely. So I want you to go in and explain WHY each one is a flaw. What happens as a result of him lacking confidence? How does it affect his behavior? What do you mean by "lacking trust"--how does this make him seem to others? These are all flaws that will be really easy for you to pretty much ignore in RP so I want to know how you plan on making them affect his personality before I approve him. Thank you. =)
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 4:09 pm
Hey! Sorry this took so long. When you quote, be sure you quote one of the crew members and not yourself, so we notice you! Okay...two issues before I approve: 1. Some of her flaws are kind of borderline okay. It means they CAN be flaws, but they can also be virtues, depending how you play them. For her nervous tendencies and over protectiveness, please elaborate in the profile on How these are flaws--like, what do they make her do or how do they affect her negatively. 2. For her power--how much faster than a cheetah can she run? Cheetahs average very short bursts of 60 miles per hour. They can't actually run that fast for a very long time. In fact, when hunting, if they don't catch their prey on their very first attempt, they usually go hungry because they can't just run that fast all the time. You need to elaborate--how much faster than a cheetah can she run (Are we talking Cheetara here, or just like 65-70 miles per hour?) and also state how long can she do this before she has to stop and rest. Thanks! When you've made these changes, feel free to quote me so I can take another look.
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Elen_Gilthoniel Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 4:28 pm
Corrected Them ;D And Edit
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 4:38 pm
 Character Information: Student Name: Yukko TomosakI
Species: Raiju
Age: 16
Gender: Female
Appearance description: .... emotion_eyebrow
Personality: Happy, Flirty, Sad at times, Stuck Up, Immature
Bio: Born in Russia. When she was a child, she fought bullies that would pick on the weak, finding that she was strong. At the age of 12 her mother died due to the Russian winter. Her father watched over the child, teaching her how to fight so he could protect himself. At the age of 15, his father died when a gang member shot him in the chest, from that day he devoted his life to the safety of others. She learned English so she could do business in the United States. She feels lonely now and decided to go to a academy to forget about her life.
Skills and Abilities: - Able to strike lightning - Can create light
Character Flaws: - Gullible - Can run fast - Childish
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Status: Single
Likes: (at least 3) - Tacos - Cake - Bunny's and Bat's
Dislikes: (at least 3) - The Color Red - Oatmeal - Stinky Stuff
Extra Information: The Color Red makes her sick because she can think of the blood of her brother.
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Elen_Gilthoniel Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 5:36 pm
Hello Lexi--you are going to have to make some changes to the profile. =) 1. The biggest problem would be her character flaws. None of them are actually flaws. At all. Running fast is a good thing. Her eyes changing color is more just extra information and is, in no way, a flaw. And having rabbits that can help her is, again, not a flaw but a good thing. Flaws are things that negatively impact your character in some way. 2. If she has rabbits that come "help her" you need to add this in her skills and abilities because I can't see how that works without some kind of rabbit controlling power. We need more details on what these rabbits are and how they work. 3. I'm not sure what you mean by using light to see in the dark--are you saying she can create light 4. There parts of her biography that need tweaking because they just don't make sense. She took over the company at 15 and made it better? Is she some kind of child prodigy? 15 year olds don't usually have good business sense. It sounds like she is completely financially and intellectually independent. Why is she joining a highschool at age 17 when she's already independently wealthy and running a successful business. She doesn't even NEED high school at this point. I'm going to suggest you alter her biography to make more sense within the setting. Please check out the following two threads to help with making the appropriate corrections to your character. (And seriously, I really do mean to read them and take them under consideration. It will definitely save us the trouble of having to repeat this process several times to get your character approved! ^^ )) Character FlawsMary Sues 101
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 5:51 pm
Ah, I see what I did there...Working on it. Or do I have to change the whole bio, flaws, and everything?
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Elen_Gilthoniel Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 6:08 pm
iiLexi_Luvii Ah, I see what I did there...Working on it. Or do I have to change the whole bio, flaws, and everything? You need to just alter the parts I mentioned. =)
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 6:31 pm
I am going to approve him but because he has the bare minimum of flaws, be sure you RP them correctly. Before you do anything else, choose a class schedule and create a thread in the approved character forum. I believe you already know about the school trip. Welcome to Rosentale. If you have any questions, you already know to ask. =)
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Elen_Gilthoniel Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 6:44 pm
Character Information: Teacher Name: Quentin Vessala
Species: Elf
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Appearance description: Quentin looks just like he does in the picture except for the fact that he is missing his left arm (Which obviously cannot be seen due to the picture not being a full body one ) He also almost always carries a staff everywhere he goes.
Personality: Quentin may come across as quiet, but that is only because he keeps his mouth shut unless there is a need to intervene. He enjoys socializing and meeting new people. If someone is all alone or in need of help he will be more than likely to talk to them or give them a hand.
Even though Quentin is normally full of enthusiasm he can have his moments. He likes to take some time to himself every few days or so, to write to his daughter or just mope around by himself. Like any other normal person, he needs his alone time.
Bio: Quenten was born into a very old fashioned family of elf farmers. They lived in the forest and raised a large herd of alpacas. They sold the animal's wool at the marketplace as well as the offspring of the furry critters. It is because of this that Quentin knows how to knit and crochet (Which is often considered a woman's work and not a mans )
Due to growing up in the forest Quentin used to be very nimble and stealthy. He was an amazing archer and often won prizes at the local fairs and such. Hunting was his passion and he truly enjoyed life as a teenager.
Even though his family was rather old-fashioned Quentin still had the chance to receive and education. He went to public school then to college where he studied psychology and sociology.
It was during his time at college when Quentin met (and fell in love with ) a beautiful elf woman who he ended up marrying. The happy couple moved into Quentin's family owned home (after his parent's passed away ) and took over the family business. A few years later Grace was born. A beautiful white haired baby girl. The couple were thrilled but their happiness was short lived when they realized that Grace had sickle cell anemia.
Even with this challenge at hand the couple stayed strong and raised their small family of one child and a herd of alpaca. Quentin would tend to the animals and hunt for food while his wife took care of their baby.
One extremely stormy night a large wolf-like beast (the same kind that had killed Pilot's family ) burst in through the front door of their house. Quentin bravely fought the beast but it caused him the loss of his left arm and a horrible injury to his right hip. It took the elf a long time to learn how to do simple tasks with only one arm and a horrible limp, but he was never one to give up.
Quentin's wife died during childbirth with their son, who also could not be saved. Quentin was thrown into depression for the longest time, but eventually came out of it when he realized that he still had Grace, and that he needed to be strong for her.
Grace is often in and out of the hospital due to her illness. In order to get his mind off of such things Quentin has applied to Rosentale to keep himself busy. Luckily, the school is within walking distance of the hospital where his daughter is currently staying for treatment (Which is one of the main reasons that he has decided to work at Rosentale )
Skills and Abilities: Quentin is very skilled at dealing and handling people. But other than that he doesn't really have any super amazing abilities (Unless you count his ability to do things with one hand amazing )
Character Flaws:
Limp- The injury to his hip makes it rather difficult for him to get around.
Humorless- Quentin doesn't find most jokes funny. He is a rather serious man.
Gruff- The man appears to be rather intimidating in appearance, which often keeps people from talking to him.
Fixation- Hes very protective over his daughter. He isn't obsessed with her but he has made her his purpose in life. He lives and breathes for Grace, just trying to hold onto the one warm thing left behind by his wife.
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Status: Single
Occupation: Resident assistent (dorm mother )
When are the best days for you to be online? MOOOOOO!!!!!
Likes: (at least 3) - Alpaca - Sewing (Even though he can no longer take part in it ) - Crocheting (Same as above ) - Spending time with Grace - Helping people - Being around others - Being "old fashioned" - The "good old days"
Dislikes: (at least 3) - Wolves - Dogs - Grace always being in the hospital - Super modern things
Extra Information: None so far
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 6:55 pm
For once I was like "YAY! I CAN HELP BERRY!" And then I realized that this person already knew what she was doing. XDD A dorm mother seems like a helpful person to have around (and it'll help us spam dorms. >8D) He can stay in the Ethreal Ether for when he needs to sleep. =D
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 7:06 pm
xLieselotte For once I was like "YAY! I CAN HELP BERRY!" And then I realized that this person already knew what she was doing. XDD A dorm mother seems like a helpful person to have around (and it'll help us spam dorms. >8D) He can stay in the Ethreal Ether for when he needs to sleep. =D Okay, thanks! lol xD
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 11:06 pm
StrawberryZ0mbie iiLexi_Luvii Ah, I see what I did there...Working on it. Or do I have to change the whole bio, flaws, and everything? You need to just alter the parts I mentioned. =) Okay =)
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Elen_Gilthoniel Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 11:10 pm
iiLexi_Luvii StrawberryZ0mbie iiLexi_Luvii Ah, I see what I did there...Working on it. Or do I have to change the whole bio, flaws, and everything? You need to just alter the parts I mentioned. =) Okay =) Hello. Just to be clear on this Quote: Character Flaws: - Can run fast - Very Flexible - Has a sense of humor This part is supposed to list her flaws. Things that are negative about her. None of these are flaws. They are all virtues. Please be sure to put in some real flaws per the threads I requested you to read earlier! Thanks ^^ quote me again when she's edited.
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