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 Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 6:40 am
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G R O W T H x S O L O
I Am Seziah
Anxiety coiled in Seziah’s belly as she stood before the great, thick, hardwood door that led to her young noble master’s study. She hadn’t been summoned, and it was a rare instance that she took it upon herself to visit this man. But it was necessary, she reminded herself. She could wait for Zakeel to summon her, yes, do things on his time, appease him in that way, wait and stay in the comfort and security this home provided for her for as long as she was able…
However, Seziah found that she did not want to give him that satisfaction, she didn’t want to stay with her children in a home where she knew they weren’t wanted. They deserved better. She wanted to provide better.
So she stood before Zakeel’s study, arm extended to knock, gaze upward, but otherwise still. She’d come this far to speak with him. He wasn’t even the master of the house. She could have just as easily spoken to his father or mother, who would have been just as pleased to see her go, though likely easier on her since she was less familiar with them… Maybe she wouldn’t have even needed to say anything to anyone. Her absence might have been evidence enough. But that wasn’t how she wanted to do things. Seziah wanted to have the courage to take matters that concerned the wellbeing of her offspring into her own hands. Make rash decisions in their defense. Make sure they knew she cared for them through what she did…
It had to be done this way. She needed to find her voice and make herself heard. For them, for her, for her family.
There was no point in waiting any longer. With a steadying intake of breath and a pinching of her eyes, Seziah rapped her knuckles o the door without further hesitation. She couldn’t think about it. She only had to act. There was nothing to do but act.
”My lord?” She called as loudly as she dared. “It is Seziah. I would like to speak with you, if I am able.”
There were no sounds of scuffling, no flicking papers or shutting books, just a hard, gruff command of, “Enter.”
She did, and her gaze found him immediately before flicking away just as quickly. Zakeel didn’t look to be doing much of anything except waiting for her. There were no maids keeping him company, no tea set before him. His desk was clear and empty, and his eyes were focused forward. What a foolish thought to have, though… Of course he wasn’t waiting for her. He was a boy who had more important things to worry about then meetings with his servers...
"What do you want?"
Seziah opened her mouth. She had come with a purpose. She knew what she wanted and how to achieve it, and she had a plan ahead that essentially only involved leaving this place. It flicked through her thoughts again, a quiet reminder that she wasn’t obligated to tell him anything… But it was the courteous thing to do. Even if they disagreed about what Seziah ought to do now, she could still be grateful to him for allowing her to stay at all. It was the courteous thing to do, to tell him outright. There really wasn’t another option.
”My lord,” Seziah murmured again with a dip of her head. ”I had hoped you would have a moment to meet with me. Is now a good time-”
“You are here, aren’t you?” Zakeel prompted with a cutting remark. “If I’d been busy, it would’ve been a waste of time to invite you in. I would’ve sent you away.” His fingers tapped to the top of the desk, and even without looking directly at him, Seziah knew he was glaring. “Though I suppose it is a waste of time to speak to you, at all, unless you come with news I’d like to hear…”
Look at him, Seziah commanded herself. Look at him. This is important. You are not a disrespectful girl. It was harder to convince herself then she might have thought. He’d just told her she was a waste of time. She wasn’t important to him, anymore, if she’d ever been. She’d been worthless to him as soon as she’d lain with Tytus. She may as well have been useless to Zakeel as soon as she’d made a friend in the stable boy since… Well, since it was obvious who cared more about her, who took an interest in her, who wanted her company because it was enjoyable to him…
She always would’ve chosen Ty over Zakeel.
It was obvious.
So if she had to look at him only this one more time, she may as well do it right. Seziah raised her pale gaze to fix on the man- the boy: he was younger than her and behaved with all the finesse of a twelve-year-old- before her. She took a breath and shook her head. ”It is news I am pleased to be able to share, but that I think will be unpleasant for you,” she admitted.
”My children are beautiful,” she whispered, enunciating the word as she so rarely did in the hopes it would better express her feelings. ”They are young, but they are wonderful, and they are mine. Nothing has ever been so mine… And I will not give that up in the hopes that it will please you enough to provide for me a happy existence here.”
As she spoke, she could feel it, a rising courage that compelled her to say what she needed to say. ”I have a family that I love, a man who appreciates me, and I would give up every other comfort to keep that. It is the most important thing that has ever been mine.” The only thing that had ever been hers in such an intimate sense of the word. ”I do not know if I could live so comfortably anywhere else, but that is not a necessity to me.”
“If you aren’t satisfied with your current arrangements, I could move you to larger, nicer rooms. Perform well enough, and you might even share mine-”
”Do you not listen?” Seziah snapped briskly. ”It is not about the space or luxuriousness of the rooms. I will not surrender my children for my own comfort. And I will not wait for you to send me away because you and your family do not ‘feel’ like providing for them when my work is not ‘worth’ keeping all of us around.” That was fine, she thought. Even if she didn’t agree with the exact terms, she couldn’t be offended by it. Two additions were unexpected. It would’ve been much to ask from anyone to take the three of them in.
”I am leaving. There is nothing else to say.” Seziah murmured, tone dipping again. ”I have made arrangements to continue the studies I dropped to come here. Under a new master, who will be more familiar with the practices of Oba. My things are packed, and I have no reason to return-”
“Get out, Seziah.”
She blinked, opened her mouth, closed it, and stared at him. Zakeel was just a young boy. He was spoiled, expectant, not cruel, bt clearly selfish. He splayed a palm across his face, and shook his head. “Get out.” Seziah could only nod and obey. In the past, she had despised people who sent her away, who pawned her off, but Zakeel was young. There were still so many opportunities for him to grow.
She didn’t hold it against him, but neither could she simply yield to his wants, this time.
Her future would take her elsewhere, perhaps to a place where she would need to work harder and grow as a person in her own right. But it would take her to a place she could be with her children and the man she loved.
x
x
Results: Seziah is a girl with an almost crippling fear of being unable to please people. She has always been unwanted, passed from place to place or person to person, and while this did not always involve poor treatment, it didn't need to. To her it was punishment enough to just be worthless, to have no place, to not make anyone happy...
Even though her master, Lord Zakeel, was initially pleased with her presence, upon her interactions with another man, he became very disinterested in her, such that it became apparent he wanted her for only one reason. Seziah initially entertained the idea that she could continue to do her work in his parents' estate without his connection at all, but he made things more difficult for her, either with snide words or the less pleasant tasks.
It has become obvious to her that she is once again unnecessary.
Several times in the past, this has caused her to run toward a future she is uncertain of and has no plan for, where she just hopes to find something, somewhere to make her happy. This time, however, she has a family to protect, a boldness in her heart to help her achieve anything, and a path before her.
She has already made arrangements to take up the craft of healing that she tried to do in the past, only this time, she will stick with it, finding a new purpose in the land she claimed as her home with the family she is eager to build and grow. She does consider the thought that she may be imposing on Jeine, and this would have never been acceptable before, but now she is ready to make her own choices and forge a path that pleases her.
Word Count: 1326 |
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