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She hadn't even afforded herself one day's respite from patrol. No, beaten and horrid as she felt, Bellatrix was out on patrol that night. Her sewn up gashes screamed, she could feel every bruise, and every angry scrape, and her head~ She could think clear enough, but movement hurt like a bad sinus infection.

She shouldn't have been out there. Not tonight.

As she walked, she favored one leg in favor of the other, and jumping was a whole other story - each landing almost ending up with her on her face. Often she stopped to stable herself against something. What was she thinking? She wasn't Bellatrix was out, alone, not thinking just like she was the night before. She had it in her mind, though, that she had to do this. She had a duty.

And if there was anything to blame it on it was the dreams. Dreams that had recently been plaguing her and turning in to nightmares. Dreams of a ruined world where she hadn't been present. if she had - well, the spirits that be made sure to show her how things would have been had she been there. Her minute presence made all the difference, and although she knew it had only been a dream she couldn't shake the terror.
She wasn't taking any chances.

This was more than protecting the one she loved, or even the citizens of Destiny City. This was personal. She had some personal demon to conquer, and Bellatrix wouldn't rest until she had won.


Little did she know that staying put would have served her better. it was a spiritual battle, and yet she was seeking the physical one. And she got it. In the form of a Youma, blindsiding her. It was big, and it was ugly, and it hit her with all the force of a football player tackling another. Bellatrix was hit and sent flying into the building beside her. Half slumped to the ground, the Amazon charged - a limping run - and creamed over the creaming of the ache in her head.
The battle was sloppy, drunken, and Not at all attractive. It was embarrassing. Bellatrix wasn't there, not entirely.

--

battle won, wounds reopened and new ones gained, Bellatrix slumped down against the building behind her, spear held in the crook of her arm.

What was Bell's monster? Her inner demon?
Not living to her full extent. At a senshi. As a human. As a senshi, she had set a routine where she wasn't pushing herself. Wasn't asking more of herself. Not really making a difference. Sure, she was keeping the monsters at bay, but what good was she really doing? Their enemy, the Negaverse, could just make more, and they did. She'd settled for the never-ending battle. Her feet weren't planted on the big picture, the endgame. As a human? Aside from sleeping, eating, and household maintenance? Her day was 3/4 of the time spent being a senshi. A senshi who, despite her rank, was far from being one with her sphere.

Fotitude.

What was fortitude?

Blood was the war paint that told the tale of a senshi who knew not themselves.

A few days had passed - days that Bell spent alone as she worked things out. Although injured, Bell seemed to be working frantically. Today's vigorous activating was white-washing the walls. Each ache and pain she encountered was another reminder of what she was truly doing - having a personal little 'come to jesus' as it were.

"I know my guidelines," She spoke aloud to herself, "but I keep defying them."

Sometimes it was easier to understand things if you spoke them - even by ones self. She attacked the wall with the white-wash angrily.

"I understand what I'm evidently 'supposed' to be and do, but like hell am I ready to accept it. No. The world could end tomorrow for all I know, shouldn't I dedicate my efforts to those close to me? Oh, but the dreams say no, no, protect the world, be ready to die for it." Yes, she was pissed.
"I don't care about those other people," she lied to herself, "I really don't." Okay, she was really lying to herself.

"There are bad people in this world too that aren't a part of this war - am I supposed to be ready to give my life for them, too? Really?" Yes, yes you are. You're not a god, you cant pick and choose who lives and who dies.

The atrium was done. Bell picked up the tray of whitewas and her paint roller and carried it to the living room. The floor was covered in protective plastic, and just as well, since she tossed the tray on to the floor and got back to her rage!work.

"So if my theory is correct, we were all once senshi in another time, another century, reincarnated in to this one? Or at least something in us was. Well god damn it, I'm not that person from centuries ago, I have different values from whoever the hell that person was. And she can damn well stop forcing them on me."

Though truthfully, the Bell of now and the Bellatrix of many years ago weren't all that different. The difference between the two was simply this;
Bellatrix was a rigid soldier, entirely dedicated to battle and protection of her people. Emotions didn't get in her way, however she felt deeply. She cared for everyone, even the ones who fell by her hand, the good people, the bad. All that she was existed for the greater good of the people, and the agenda of the Silver Millennium. And she was alone. Terribly alone.
Bell, well,... Bell is emotional, and as things started out, she had never really been fully invested in this war. She shirked her duties up until that first meeting. That was when she tossed her human dreams aside. She had been moved greatly by the emotions triggered at that meeting. However, though she vowed full investment into the war, she still wasn't doing all that she could do. She wasn't going the extra mile. How dedicated was she? She did not feel as deeply as Bellatrix of old. No, Bell's emotions were on her sleeve, open for the world to see. Shallow streams trickle loudly, but still waters run deep.

Bell understood all this. Pride, however, was in her way. Was she insinuating that she was shallow? Accusing herself of being so? She didn't have the calm control that Bellatrix had, and Bell was prone to exaggeration. Bellatrix had been ready to die for her people - the good ones and the bad. Bell felt that it would be a waste.

Bell was at odds with herself - the person she was and the person she needed to be. Bell though, if she became this person she'd be giving in. Pride wouldn't let her. However not giving in left her in conflict with her sphere, and continued her self destruction.
This was perhaps the first fight she had truly fought sense becoming a senshi. Bell vs. Bellatrix.

Placeholder for another battle