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 Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 3:48 am
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Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 3:52 am
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Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 3:59 am
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Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 4:00 am
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fallingUPstairs__x x Crew
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Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 4:17 am
It was only after Lironax was completely and utterly sure that Aludra was out of the house that he dared to venture out of his room with the gift he had wrapped in its satin-y green pouch. Even so, he looked up and down the hall a few times before creeping oh-so-quietly down the hall and into Aludra's room.
He paused for a moment once he entered, recalling with equal parts nostalgia and sadness the last time he was in here. Gnawing at his lip, he forced himself to not dally and walked over to Aludra's desk, reverently placing the gift on an unoccupied space. He smiled slightly to himself, hoping that Aludra would like it, before quickly darting back into his room to pretend like he wasn't waiting for anything. 
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Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 4:20 am
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Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 6:08 am
Aludra hates his journal. Of course he does; after all, he loathes himself, so why would he enjoy writing out his own personal thoughts on paper that anyone could find. Despite avoiding it as much as possible, though, it seems that the young Greed demon has been finding more and more time to simply scrawl out little things. As such, at this point in time, his journal is littered with little scraps and thoughtful notes, some of them just quotes that he'd read while in school, and some much more deep and personal than just that...
Journal Scrap I ___'...a love so deep that this world has never before felt even the slightest hint of it. Not only in every pervading thought that I have in every second that passes, but each action as well. Every movement made is inspired by that beautiful face, that amazing smile, the cutest and, dare I admit, sweetest of pouting lips. And the smiles... oh, there are the smiles, my darling. Every single twitch of my lips, every happy feeling that makes my heart twinge with joy is infused with memories of you, fantasies, even, of the days that we will share together, days in which there shall be not a moment that passes when my skin parts from your's, for even as the day grows long and the sun sets beyond the horizon, we will be linked, hearts pounding rhythmically as we reveal our innermost secrets, our deepest, most hidden passions, through not even a whisper of speech...'
Journal Scrap II ___"Whenever you are able, have a “look” inside yourself to see whether you are unconsciously creating conflict between the inner and the outer, between your external circumstances at that moment — where you are, who you are with, or what you are doing — and your thoughts and feelings. Can you feel how painful it is to internally stand in opposition to what is?
When you recognize this, you also realize that you are now free to give up this futile conflict, this inner state of war."
-Eckhart Tolle
Journal Scrap III ___"Change means movement. Movement means friction. Only in the frictionless vacuum of a nonexistent abstract world can movement or change occur without that abrasive friction of conflict."
-Saul Alinsky
Journal Scrap IV ___Note to self: Tell Noah to get me out of these damned French classes. I hate the teacher, I hate the language, and I hate the fact that I'm constantly being made fun of because I'm unable to refer to myself in first person, and am stuck doing so in third. I hate these ******** kids and their ******** laughter...
Journal Scrap V ___Aristotle Quotes: [Period II: English 10]
“Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way - that is not within everyone's power and that is not easy.”
“The young are permanently in a state resembling intoxication.”
“There are some jobs in which it is impossible for a man to be virtuous.”
“The whole is more than the sum of its parts.”
Journal Aludra's Journal How... peculiar.
___Only the other day I happened upon a pendant that was wrapped in green paper and left in my room. Part of me was tempted to figure out who it belonged to, and I longed to be able to do just that. However, genetics are a hard thing to fight, and I couldn't help keeping it once I was able to see exactly what it looked like. It's beautiful, gold wire woven into a nest willed with metallic, rainbow eggs that are bundled between a multitude of different jewels.
___And, as is the way it's been, I was forced to pay for giving into my Greed side, adding more scars to those which cover a majority of my skin. Sadly, it's the scales that cannot be sliced through. Rather, I can remove them, a task more painful than simply cutting through skin. As a result of the amazing look [and likely expense] of such a gorgeous pendent, I couldn't resist the nagging need to tear one of the scaled patches off my skin. I honestly wonder if having done such a thing is enough merit to get stitches, but I'm not going to bother Noah that fact. No reason to make people freak out any more than they already do. No less, hospital bills are expensive. No matter how much money my, ugh, 'father' has, I have no reason to believe that I deserve to waste it on something so menial.
___Then, there's another thing that's been concerning me as of recently, something that I feel even less obligated to tell Noah about:
___I've been coughing up blood.
___I mean, I'm assuming it's nothing too serious. It's only occasionally and it's not really that much. From what I've discovered, it's merely a body's reaction to stress, so I just need to further limit the stress in my life. Perhaps this is a sign that I should find my own place to live as soon as I go through another growth spurt. Get away from that which has been making me so stressed as of recently, otherwise known as the clash of my own mixed emotions for both Lirona[x] and Vincent.
___I find it hard to believe that it's perfectly acceptable to have feelings for someone who is my genetic twin, yet at the same time I am unable to make them go away. As for Lirona[x]... I hate him. I hate him for leaving me, in a way that I don't honestly know how to explain. I had finally admitted to myself that I liked him, that I was more attracted to males than females, and then he bridges the gap between the both of them, making me have to question the one thing that I had finally figured out was truth! The one thing about myself I had honestly come to accept.
___Speaking of a lack of acceptance, I was forced to meet with my demonic father. I couldn't believe it. He was the full personification of what I hated about myself, and only showed further what I may become if I don't change how easily I give into such sickening behavior.
___But there's only so much resistance one can have against their own being. And I don't know how much more of it I can take without drastic consequences...
___I'll have to go to the Facility sometime soon, see what all of this stupid blood coming up from my stomach is really associated with... -Aludra Wezen By'arre
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Posted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 2:12 pm
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Posted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 3:02 pm
The following entry is written poorly and sloppily, smudged and torn, spattered with blood and tears from what was obviously a very difficult moment for Aludra to be able to deal with. As such, the boy resorted to hurting himself, one of the only methods he knows of to make himself feel any better than he already does. The tears are that which he hates, but can do nothing about by attempt to wipe them off the paper, smearing ink across the entire surface.
Journal Aludra's Journal I HATE IT.
___I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!
___The Lord curse me with the gift to do nothing more than DESTROY and I curse his name!! I would pray, devote myself to my magic if only I would have the ability to control anything but that which is uncontrollable!!
___Anger is fire, and FIRE IS ANGER!! Nothing but a white-hot, burning, painful, all-consuming, uncontrollable element that does nothing but destruction, does nothing but hurt other people as well as the self!
___WHY CAN'T IT BE SOMETHING ELSE, ANYTHING ELSE?!!
___Water, even, for no more than a moment to douse out the flames that itch to emerge from beneath my skin and tear apart all that resides around him, drown out the fire which he creates in words and breath, tearing apart the hearts of beautiful boys who have never put even a toe out of line!!
___Why must I do nothing but DESTROY?
___Why...? -Aludra Wezen By'arre
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Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 3:33 am
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Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 4:04 pm
By the time Aludra reached the door, he was shaking. Tears spilled from his eyes and the occasional sob caused his shoulders to shake as he stood for a moment in front of Adhara's apartment. He'd ignored Noah's car and, rather than find him for a way home, he'd walked the entire way to his sister's house, really needing someone around and knowing that she was probably the only one who would love him unconditionally. At least, he hoped so. But, yes, that meant that he thought showing his own emotions was merit to be completely disowned by friends and family.
Raising one hand, he tapped at the door wearily, waiting for some kind of answer and honestly hoping that it wasn't his niece who came to the door. Really, he wouldn't mind seeing her tonight, but to have her answer the door, all hyper and cute, would be too much for him to be able to stay there and keep a clean conscience about not being overly self-centered. He didn't want to make a child cry just because he was.
He thanked the Lord when his sister's face was what he saw when the door was opened. Adhara placed a hand to her mouth in surprise at seeing her brother in such a state, and took his hand, pulling him into the apartment and closing the door as the sobbing started to return again. Shaking her head softly, she wrapped him up in her arms and he completely broke down, clutching at the front of her dress as he fell into near-hysterics.
Once she'd consoled the boy enough that he was able to breath without another sob being the result, she helped him change into a pair of her pajamas - a pink pajama suit that was covered in roses. It didn't seem to bother him how girlish it was, though it was rather cute to see the boy sitting in those pajamas on his sister's couch, cup of hot chocolate in his hands and hair waved as proof that he was just dressed up much nicer than he was now.
Still shaking, Aludra took a sip of the chocolate, pulling it back in surprise at how hot it was on his tongue. His elder sister, finished brewing her own cup, returned to take a seat beside him, sympathy obvious in her amber eyes. Yet, he couldn't even look up, knowing that her own eye colour would remind him of nothing but Lirona, and he would dissolve into tears again.
"Do you want to talk about what happened...?" Adhara asked quietly, assuming that the answer was going to be no. After all, it had taken until preteen stage for Aludra to so much as show his emotions to someone, she doubted that he would reveal all of what lead up to such strong-
"Lirona." Adhara was completely taken aback by this statement, eyes widening in surprise as she openly stared at her younger brother. He was... actually crying over Lir? He was calling her Lirona? Blinking a few times, Adhara got over the shock, or at least on the outside, and put one arm over his shoulder comfortingly.
"Wh-what about her...?"
"Ran into her at the party," he replied quietly, tears already poking at the corners of his eyes, causing him to wipe them away furiously. He hated crying. It made him feel sick and cause his head to ache terribly. "'Ludra was dressed up all nice, in mask, as well. Acting for the party's sake. Speaking more eloquently and behaving... more like a prince. Like in the stories. Found Lira and... didn't stop behaving that way. If anything, got worse," he explained, biting at his lip and taking a deep breath before being able to continue.
"Danced with her, too. Then went to the balcony and... kissed... her..." he said, voice lowering as he recalled the moment, a shiver running up his spine and goosebumps running down his arms. It was at the next part of the story that the tears started falling again. "A-and she said th-that she was waiting for someone e-else," he stammered, trying to keep from all-out sobbing again. "Tried to show who he was... but... Lirona was gone 'fore had a chance to t-t- to t-ake off his mask..."
That was when the sobbing came back and Aludra put his hot chocolate on the table in front of him, pulling his knees to his chest and burying his face in them, shoulders shaking as he cried to himself. Adhara, still in shock from what she'd just heard, wrapped her arms around him and hugged him close. She was sad for him, yes. But more than anything, she was proud of him, because finally, finally he was coming to terms with things. With his own emotions, with Lirona's transsexuality...
With everything.
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Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 10:53 pm
Journal Aludra's Journal I feel as though I'm the luckiest man on earth at the moment.
___This evening was certainly... backwards. I'd received invitation from Noah inviting me to attend a masquerade ball that was being held by a good friend of his. Being who I am, I jumped at the opportunity to dress like a prince and retain complete anonymity at the party, thereby feel as though I was able to get away with anything without the self-consciousness that regularly lingers at the top of my mind, warding me away from doing anything out-of-line in any way.
___What I didn't count on was who I found there, whom I spoke to for once in my life without any fury or malice lacing a single syllable that passed my lips:
___Lirona Lorcalle.
___She was my best friend, back before she came out about being transsexual. For some reason, I was so stupid that I was unable to look past my own comforts and truly accept how in love with her I was, regardless of whether she was a boy or a girl, that much I was sure didn't matter anymore. I actually flirted with her, and lead her in a dance that she excelled at. It felt amazing, every moment, every smile that graced those pale lips, for once cause by my actions rather than vanquished by them.
___And from there came both the most joyous and the most painful moments of the night. After leading her to the balcony, I did the most gutsy thing that I've ever managed to pull off, coward that I have lead myself to become: I kissed her. Trusting her to keep her eyes closed as I removed my mask, I honestly kissed that which I've been pushing away since I was a child, and it was the most amazing feeling that I have every experienced.
___It was electric, the feel of it making my hair stand on end and a shiver slip down my spine, so amazingly emotional that I wanted nothing more than to gather her in my arms and kiss away every shard of pain that I'd implanted in her heart, kiss away every single terrible word that I've said to her, about her, and do not a thing more than hold her to my chest until every ounce of pain drained away, able to feel the love that I admit I feel for her without the guilt of getting something that I'd hurt so many times!!
___It was she who cut off the kiss. Lowering my mask once again, she pulled away, and told me that she had someone she was waiting for. Without a single hesitation, I untied my mask, but in the moment of distraction, she'd left. Finally, I gain the bravery to let her know how I truly feel, and she runs, left to believe that her prince was nothing more than a nameless masked crusader met amidst a crowd of people, mere coincidence.
___I wish more than anything I could regather that strength, the power that anonymity handed to me on a silver platter, but I cannot. I wish that I could press my lips to the tender skin of Lirona's pale hand, bow to her and ask for a silent dance, a moment in which not even a word must taint the beauty in the air, a time where I can finally allow those three magic words to fall from my lips.
___I love you...
___...Lirona. -Aludra Wezen By'arre
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:43 am
If there was one thing that Aludra By'arre could do [that wasn't play chess] it was act. From top to bottom, everything from voice to speech styles to handwriting to tics. As such, it wasn't hard for him to prepare to deliver some gifts to Lirona, both of which she was going to accompany with a letter from his ex-friend's mystery man. Beside himself, he laid out a lacy pink fan he'd bought earlier in the day, chuckling softly to himself at how well it resembled Lirona, even back when she'd identified with the 'x' at the end of her name.
He traced the lace on the fan with a fingertip, smiling gently. Lironax had been girlier than any other boy he'd ever met, he didn't know why it was so hard to accept the fact that maybe he was supposed to be a girl. He shook his head, a frown on his face; he was a total idiot sometimes, that he would admit.
It took him a good fifteen minutes of practice for him to manage to write a beautifully scrawled note from this mystery date on a small sheet of parchment in black ink. To keep the act up as well as he could, he doodled a small, wavy bar of the first few notes in Greensleeves before letting the note dry. Wrapping and tying it around the closed fan, he got up and headed down to Lirona's room. That night, the girl was at Adhara's house for about another fifteen or twenty minutes, and therefor was nowhere in sight. So, he slipped inside and set the note-wrapped fan next to a small candle that had been made in a coffee cup.
He held the wick of the candle between thumb and forefinger, focusing on it as best as he could, thinking of things that generally made him angry or stirred his temper, and within only a moment, the wick was alight, and he yanked his hand back, blowing on the burnt fingertips. No matter how strong your 'control' over fire was, it still burned. Smiling softly, he left the room, closing the door behind himself and returning to his room, waiting to hear the reaction and hoping against hope she assumed Noah had brought it to her room for said 'Mister Mask'.
He didn't realize that the male hadn't even known where she lived.
The Note My Golden-Eyed Princess,
Since All Hallow's Eve, there has not been a moment passed that you have not been on the surface of my thoughts, the mere memory of such featherlight touches sending shivers up my spine. Please take these gifts both as tokens of how you so happen to fan the flames of my desire, so to say. Every moment that I do not see you only strengthens my wish to do so.
Love,
-Your Masked Prince
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Posted: Sun Nov 15, 2009 9:27 pm
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