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Oh yes, it's a word, but it isn't just a word. Not for me. But then, neither is 'gay', or 'golden', or 'love'. The first is a title. The second, a transition. The third, both trial and tithe. But prophet? No. That word holds nothing good for me. Nothing at all.

And for your information, those guys in robes and staffs of that mountain were very kind--I practically had to yell at them to beat me!

And no. That isn't a typo, and you aren't reading it wrong. (Maybe a joke to lighten the atmosphere a little....)

Besides...at least calling me a f*****t would be true. I don't like being called things I'm not.
-Andrew

Okay, I know I'm probably jumping on the back of this Voltswagon a year or two late but its been bugging me enough that I've decided not to youtube a vlog about it.

I know most should know this name, Chris Crocker. Now, before anyone starts screaming heresy just read a few more lines, this isn't going to be a long post.

Frankly, he confuses me. And it took me a few videos to realize that he is in fact a "he." His blatant homosexuality doesn't bug me, though in the videos where he sports stubble its a bit awing because I more or less pretend he's a she for the simple act of getting through the videos he makes. What perplexes is that I don't hate him, nor do I really like him, I enjoy his videos to an extent but overall I have this strange fascination with the guy.

Normally I hate attention seeking people like that but I can't refute the level of honesty he portrays. It boggles me a lot that I don't like or dislike him, I hate being in the grey. Anyway, it doesn't matter, I just wanted to get that off my chest.

the Lion

If you're good. wink xd

For all of you LOTR enthusiast still out there....

Now for the important stuff.
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Leavy-Kun Epiphany
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If I were to start counting these, I'd probably reach a higher post count than most of the active members in most of my guilds. Combined.

So. Today we had a motivational speech in the gym, a "Don't Drink and Drive" presentation before prom this weekend. And while most people there were realizing that it isn't okay to drink and drive, or the basic principle of motivational speakers being either very good or very, very bad at what they do (therefore making it interesting to watch either way), I was discovering the all important life lesson of discovering who I am.

Namely, that I'm the biggest f*****t I know.

Because while the speaker was rattling on about how if you had one hour left to live, who would you call, I thought for a moment, Anyone got a crystal ball? I'd like to let Mama know I'm coming home. Then, my eyes go to the soundboard.

Now there are three guys on Sound. One of them is Jay, that beautiful boy with those dark eyes and that dark hair who is absolutely so much fun and such a good sport. The other two are Thomas, who I crushed on a forever ago (I've always had a weakness for golden curls), and the other is Kyle, who I will only say has really, really red hair, and that he was born on my flirting blacklist--rather, he might as well have been, considering who his father--

Ack! I'm getting off topic. Anyway, I looked over at the Sound boys, and right in the middle of a motivational speech to which many people had a tear in their eye or a sniffle in their nose, when I should be contemplating the life and death decisions of myself and my peers this Saturday, I could only think--

Damn, that would make a hot threesome!

And I couldn't get it out of my head. It followed me for the whole rest of the speech, as I realized, knowing them, that it could happen, and it would be really sweet, in a strange way, if it did. And that the three of them together reminded me very poignantly of a male version of Charlie's Angels, and their personalities matched up pretty well, too. And they are such close friends, too.... Yeah. I would love them together. Uh, mm, together.
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Oh, and Gram went to the hospital today around eight, because she said she was feeling funny. I've learned not to question this sort of thing, although I hope she's alright. It would absolutely kill Grandpa if something happened to her.

It's funny, in a really sick way. The mother who cared about everyone before herself, and her mother, who does so only very grudgingly, but manages to keep her tattered health intact. What could the two of them have talked about, together?

You know, this reminds me. About a week ago, I went to school even though I knew it was a bad idea, and long story short, ended up thinking of Mama for the whole day. My grief was so sharp that I'm sure everyone felt it, regardless of skill with empathy. It was a silent howl for me, an unshed tear, a wordless, motionless shaking. It was every bit as terrible as though I had been weeping great tears and shrieking and beating my chest, only worse, because all of these things were locked inside my heart. I'm stronger than this, I thought to myself for most of the day, but a part of me whispered that I wasn't. And that I wasn't better than this either.

And you know, I couldn't help but think that she wouldn't have wanted it that way. I know that--but what would she have wanted?

I'm doing it again--I can tell just by reading this post over again. I'm skating on the surface of my deepest feelings, and I'm not sure I will be able to resurface if I plunge myself into them, now. But nothing will ever be solved if I don't, and hey--I've got more help than just about anyone I know.

If only anyone could help. But I don't think anyone can. Not this time.
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NEWS!

I just found out from Grandpa as I was typing up that last line, that Gram might have had a light stroke. You know, she always said I would give her one. *sigh* Maybe foresight runs in the family. And what goes around comes around--I had a stroke too, before I was born. Justin and Tommy know that's why my voice is....

Yeah. Look guys, I think I struck a nerve this time. I need...time. Sorry for worrying you. I'll be fine, promise.
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Love and Vale,
-Andrew

Yeah, I saw that FLight of the Conchords thing! Iz lovely...

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I don't know about that whole threesome thing... Now, I'm not against gays or anything, ya'll know I'm not, but when I think about people of the same sex doing, y'know, stuff, my mind just goes, "Nonono, don't do that! That's not the way it's supposed to happen!" gonk I'm a terrible person...

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Dude, sorry to hear about your grandma. It's good your talking about it, though. Billy's grandma passed away a month ago and he still hasn't told me (he's got a blog he thinks I don't know about, that's how I learned).

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It's okay, I'm not worried! Hahaha! ... I'm going to hell, aren't I?

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I'm not a fan of Chris Crocker... as a rule, I dislike anybody (male or female) who's got a pool of pictures of a favorite celebrity and rolls around in it. However, I love The Soup, who's whole job is to make fun of people. mrgreen

Aww! They say that it's the language teachers and the drama teachers that know first.

And honey, believe me when I say that I know you aren't that arrogant, and we're glad to have 'your grace' here at the Cafe--it might actually balance my lack of grace....

And Elv, actually, I sometimes feel that way with my straight friends.... Really, though, I just love romance. I don't care what kind, so long as it doesn't involve animals--man, those animal love stories just...kinda creep me out. And I'm not even talking about bestiality.
-Andrew

P.S. Yeah...I think I'm getting better. With everything. With Grandma. You know....

I suppose some people find his confusion charming. I'm just not one of them. razz And I own Secondhand Lions. (It's funny they say "lions", when there's only one lion in it.) I love that movie. Male bonding is fun to watch. ^_^

You people better add me to your MSN list and chat with me quick. I'm a good listener.