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 Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:57 pm
Where the hell is everybody? The Cafe is so...lonely. The coffee pots are gathering dust! This is an outrage!
But of course, that won't stop me from spilling my guts.
---
I knew I shouldn't have come to school today.
I guess part of the reason is because I...I cried myself to sleep last night. I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that's happening, about all the people I'm going to miss, about exams, about driving, about becoming something else entirely, about Mama, and about Love. I'm coming to realize, too, that not only can I not stop thinking like so many people I know, I can't stop feeling, either. And just like how I think most clearly in the darkness and silence of the night, I also feel most sharply then, too.
In the morning, I felt really...raw. I had a headache, and the beginnings of a stomachache, and I felt...like I was dreading something.
But I made the mistake of not listening to my instincts. I went to school.
First period sucked because I'm behind on my reading for a class. So I traded the one class for the other. Great.
Homeroom was...horrible. At the end of our morning show, they played "Build Me Up Buttercup", an old The Foundations song that me and Mama used to sing in the car. Or rather, she would sing to me, and I would roll my eyes. The memory was so potent that I ended up crying--and even I couldn't hold back all the tears this time.
The media center ladies noticed third period. I said "I'm stronger than this", but the truth is...I have my weak days. My really, really weak days. The song got stuck in my head. I couldn't turn off the emotions of loss and intense loneliness. Their consolations were drowned out by a storm of grief. I think the only thing that could have been worse was if I had heard "You Are My Sunshine".
Fourth period, my physics teacher gave no pause for my feelings. I'm glad for that, I think. The one person who noticed, Wendy...she shouldn't have. For the first time, I held my heart apart from another, not because I was ashamed, but because there was nothing she could do. I had to ride this out. But I wonder if she felt that way. Maybe just by being there for me, she could have been happy. I don't think it was my place to pull away so abruptly from someone I cared about without explanation. I would have been pissed if someone else had done that to me.
In the hallway, my little brother's freshman ex-girlfriend tells me there's a hole in the seat of my pants, in less kind words. Talk about uncomfortable.
I should have known better fifth period than to think that anyone would actually sit through the day's events. Even Colleen seemed absent today.
Maybe the peak of the day's level of suck was lunch. I don't want to go into gross amounts of detail, but my rubbed-raw heart and irritated attitude needed some serious balm. Justin, this one is for you, if I ever say the words "I'm trying to cheer myself up", start running in the other direction. Immediately. Towards hills if you can find some. I flirted my a** off today, and revealed an old secret. That I used to like my friend Nick. Which could have been a really bad move.
And it wasn't prepared. Talk about uncomfortable.
That's about it for 'teh suck'. The rest of the day (all three periods left) was okay. Still pretty uncomfortable, but...I'm glad for friends. The math test kinda sucked though, and I didn't get a chance to flirt with Jay. *sigh* I think that might have actually cheered me.
*sigh* Who am I kidding? Nothing would have made me happy today.
After school, my grandma took will to get his hair cut. And left me sitting outside the school for about ten minutes in the cold air. I was thoroughly pissed by the time I saw her pull up to the front of the school--
And Nick walked by. I let him use my phone because his had died. Then, he told me he had to walk home that day because his mom was tied up in stuff. I told him I'd give him a ride home. Later, I told him I was sorry about lunch, and he said he didn't really care.
I...I believe him.
So I guess there's a silver lining after all. Or a golden one. I talked to Tay, who used to date him, just a few minutes ago, and fessed up. She didn't care either (I still think she was annoyed at me for waking her up), and I think Cat's words were "Stop being a drama queen".
Gotta love friends, huh?
---
I'm also trying to get a couple of my friends together on Gaia. I'm going to have a serious b***h fit if I can't.
I won't be on much tomorrow. I've got plans. I'll let you know later.
-Andrew
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Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 9:11 pm
god, i've been busy, i've been working about 30+ hours a week while being a full time college student, so that's the main reason i'm not on much. i usually have about a 16+ hour day, depending on the day. so if i'm not in school or at work i'm asleep or resting. so, yeah, i'm actually good other than that, i'm surprised i'm not stressing out very much.
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Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 9:48 pm
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Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 10:08 pm
honestly LD, I don't even know i posted in that thread btw.
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 7:29 am
I've been busy too. I've had a lot of homework and stuff. Plus, all my free time has gone to talking to Kevin. He told me he loved me at 12:01 this morning. Track will be starting soon too, so with all that going on I don't think I'll be on much.
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 8:49 am
Hey Leavaros~,
Guess who decided to check on her Gaia? =P
I just finished reading Locker Room Discrepancies. Very nice! And I think it is good of you that you get everything written down - I'm not sure, a way to analyze the situation, maybe? I don't know, but it was well-written, and I'm glad you shared your story with those who wanted to read. :]
So what's up?
In my time away, s**t has been going down. My mom's in denial about me being bisexual, but that's okay, 'cause I didn't tell her about my past two female crushes and I would so not tell her if I had a girlfriend. Oh, and I had a fling! I don't want to call it a relationship, because it was hardly one... But the friend who gave me my first kiss asked me out on February 9th. It was really fun while it happened... There was a lot of making out in the parking lot of the grocery store where he works... And in front of his house... And at the park... And at Paper Street (my dad's empty, abandoned house... NOTHING HAPPENED!!!). He's a good kisser, and I'm thankful for him for giving me my first kiss, but... It wasn't working.
He wouldn't hold my hand in public. He wouldn't kiss me in public (well, maybe he did twice). And he would NEVER act serious - and hell, I want a ******** serious relationship... On February 21st, I decided that even though I really didn't want to, it was best for both of us that we should break up with him.
The next day, the day that I had decided to do it, he didn't sit with me at lunch like he had been, and neither of us were looking each other in the eye, and he didn't kiss me after school in the empty hallway like he usually did. After school that day, before I could get it out, he broke up with me. xD
I'm very ashamed to say that even though we were only dating for thirteen days, and even though I had been planning on breaking up with him, and even though I still love him like my other friends, I started crying as soon as he got out of my car. And I mean CRYING - the kind where you cry so hard your neck gets wet. o_O
Meh~ I was thankful that he broke up with me instead of just staying with me to not hurt me (I'd made him promise not to do that, and it was doubly bad, 'cause he had/has a crush on one of my closest friends), but I was still quite shaken up and upset at him for a while. I think I'm still complaining to my best friends about how bad our relationship was, but I think that last night proved I'm finally over him. He came with me and five other friends to the mall, and it was totally not awkward for the first time since he broke up with me. And while we were there, one of my friends kept holding my hand (he doesn't like me and we're not dating, he's just REALLY affectionate and cute as a puppy), and I just wanted to turn around and yell, "SEE THAT?! HE HOLDS MY HAND. WHY DIDN'T YOU?!" So yeah. It was fun, but I regret asking him to kiss me - if I hadn't, we never would've ended up dating. So the whole thing is my fault (my friend who he likes now is SO mad at him, and it's all my fault so I feel really bad; they were such good friends).
Oh, and I'm worried about my friend... The one I was holding hands with at the mall last night. He's seriously into yaoi, and he has at least two ex-boyfriends. Basically, he's bisexual. But he's been telling me since I first started talking to him back in August, that he wants to be with and marry a female, because he wants children... Like, in the future he wants to have children naturally, not adopt. Or the other thing where a woman carries his or his partner's child.
I brought up something about him being bi, and he told me, totally straight-faced, "I'm straight now." And I seriously wanted to slap him. He told me that it was because he wants to have children naturally, so he's gonna settle down with a woman. He's gonna force himself to be straight. And that seriously makes me want to cry...
So... That's wrong, right? It's not just me? I mean, if you like the same sex (even if you also like the opposite sex), you can't just cover up your feelings... Right? It just makes me so sad...
Eh... Any advice? u_u
Man, sorry I always come in here after like five months away and totally write the length of a flippin novel about my time away! ^^;
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 9:45 am
Well, Juria, honey, if you posted more regularly, you wouldn't have to give us a crash course....
But anyway, congrats on your fling. I know it didn't end well, but even when mine don't end well, I still enjoy them. Although, I am upset that you got hurt in the process....
Well, shucks, people are still talking about LRD? I'm very flattered, Juria, and I'm glad that you liked it.
Now. About your friend, of course it annoys the hell out of me that he's 'playing it straight'--I'm a firm believer that one should never try to change himself by ignoring his true feelings. But of course, I'm pretty sure he'll end up meeting a guy he can't take his eyes off of, and he'll say, "gee, am I really straight?"
In short, let time do its job. All things built on the wrong foundations fall, and truth has a funny way of popping up when you least expect it.
Love and Vale,
-Leavy-Kun/Andrew
P.S. Cari, I'm glad to see you back.
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 10:38 am
I have to say, people do sure love making a lot out of a little. So people hate gays, Hispanics, Christians, Jews, the Nazi's whatever. The more those groups b***h and gripe about their oppression the more it fuels the people doing it. I don't condone the negative outbursts of the people doing it, but giving them the attention they want isn't helping anyone. And after all, opinions are opinions, I hate people myself, certain groups of people but mostly just certain individuals. I don't broadcast it because I don't need the stress nor the notoriety. If people didn't get so uppity about the issue of not being liked it wouldn't be much of an issue. But everyone's got an opinion and since no one can be named over the internet they all get brave enough to post it publicly.
Heaven forbid if not everyone is complicit and accepting of the life choices others make. Get over yourselves already, you're trying to compete with centuries of ingrained beliefs and ideology, what could you possibly hope to accomplish over the internet? All this nonsense is just making me feel more sick, I need a nap.
the Lion
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 12:45 pm
Hehe. That's true. ^^ And yeah, you're right... About still enjoying them. I mean, I got some good lessons in kissing, and I celebrated Valentine's Day for the first time in my life. I got some pretty cute stuff out of that relationship - stuffed animals I was planning on giving to my best friend after he broke up with me, but then I saw that he's still wearing the teddy-bear heart keychain that I gave him for V-Day on his necklace. I still sleep with the things he gave me in my bed now. ><
You're welcome. :3 I'm just sorry I wasn't around when you were still working on it/finishing it.
Yeah... I know. Maybe he will fall for a guy, maybe he won't... He still does like girls, he just happened to LEAN toward guys, even. Oh, and when or if he DOES meet that guy, he's not gonna have to question his feelings. He knows he's still attracted to guys, and he probably knows that he still likes guys. He's just trying to concentrate on the side that is more attracted to girls. For God's sake, he couldn't stop talking about yaoi last night. I do think you're right, though, that he's going to end up with a guy... He'll meet a guy that'll coax him into realizing it's wrong to hide who he really is. For God's sake, I told my homophobic mother that he was trying to be straight, and even she tsk'd, knowing that he was wrong.
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 3:23 pm
Grouchy much, Lion?
All I can say here is that I have to try. I have to. You know that.
And Juria, your mother seems to understand the whole thing better than I would have given her credit for. But you're right--even people who aren't supportive of gays know that that's wrong. I can even think of a few examples in my life, though there's really no point in listing them off.
Come back more often! We miss you! (And I'm missing a lot of my usuals, lately. Where the hell are you guys?)
Love and Vale,
-Andrew/Leavy-Kun
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 4:20 pm
We're SNEAKING. ninja Heh.
Sorry, I've been kind of busy. Had to do a report on female circumcision, not a nice subject. What's worse, had to argue for FGC, which was awful. Making tacos now, I'll see if I can get on more later.
Edit: My Wonka avi has a 132 rating in the arena right now o.O
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Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 5:56 am
Oh. My. God. That truly is awful. Just terrible. And what's funnier, from one kind of "taco" to another....
Did anyone click on that link yesterpage?
-Andrew
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Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 11:44 am
Sorry I've been absent, Drew. [hug] I've been looking for work, and then yesterday I woke up with a dry throat, and when I had to spit in the sink I was spitting out blood... So I went to the clinic, and the Doctor told me I have a throat infection, possibly a tonsil infection, which would be where the blood came from, and gave me penicillin, which I have to take for the next ten days. I hate swallowing pills. I really, really hate it. Like you have no idea. I won't even take aspirin unless I have no choice. So I'm not happy about the penicillin.
So yeah, not good.
No, I don't click things I have to listen to because I have no speakers and this computer is slow.
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Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 11:45 am
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Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 6:42 pm
Tommy...I'm so sorry. I've been out of commission for a few weeks myself, so believe me when I say I feel your pain. However, I don't have a problem swallowing pills (very little gag reflex, no joke).
I hope you're feeling better soon!
-Andrew
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