Welcome to Gaia! ::

Not surprising really, I get more Writing education here than I do in Writing class......go figure.

Thanks Gypsy! Nice edits. This draft I just read seems to be in good shape, so I'll myself the trouble of editing it again. Good write, Jahoclave.

[ Message temporarily off-line ]

...Is it just me, or did we skip the third of your columns, "This Land is OUR Land?" I'm thinking we did. So then the next question would be, which do we use? The 3rd one or the 5th one?

EDIT: If you don't get around to answering, I'll use number 5 by default.

[ Message temporarily off-line ]

Point! What�s Your Point?
#8 Trick or Treat, N00b.
Jeff A. Van Booven

In just a few days many members of our esteemed younger generations will dress up in costumes and go door to door in order to extort you out of your hard earned candy. Other members of a slightly older generation will be out to render damages to your property. And even older members of what we will call generation whipper-snapper will go to somebody else's house and get drunk, therefore they are not really important to this article and, as such, can generally be ignored (accepting of course that you don't have a teenage daughter in this age group, but that's your problem not mine).

However, with this lovely article I will introduce you to some simple steps that you can take to protect yourself this Halloween using products you can pick up from your local hardware store, military base, or any other place where high explosives are sold. While some of these methods may be considered illegal in some, if not all states, they are all a matter of self-defense. Lets face it, these whipper-snappers don't want to pay for your social security, and they need to be learned their place.

First on our list of things to consider is prevention. What better way to protect yourself from their onslaught than making them not wanting to screw with you in the first place. And what better way to scare them the hell off than by littering your lawn with decapitated woodland creatures? It also makes a good use for all those rabbits, squirrels, and other vermin that have been trying to destroy your garden.

Next, because we know that woodland creatures won't be enough, dig yourself up some half decayed human corpses. Accept no substitute for the real thing. Plus, if you want to get real creative, they can double as zombies, but then somebody might wisen up and shotgun them, which would make an awful mess.

Also, if you live in a real bad neighborhood you may want to defecate all over your lawn. It may stink and take a while to finish, but when you think about it, it will be suffering well spent. After all, it isn't the effect that matters, it's the besting of the whipper-snappers that is more important. Winning isn't everything, but total annihilation of the competition is.

Now, on the off chance, people may yet not be deterred by your efforts. This is why we move on to the next step, loss prevention. However, to begin with, you need to add a sign to your yard. �All trespassers will be shot, maimed, shot again, burned, shot, and mutilated. And shot.�

There is, however, one universally accepted way to take care of people walking on your land. We commonly refer to it as land mines, but to be more specific, anti-personnel mines. Now, there is two ways you can go about this. You can use smaller mines like the Chinese type 72 or the American M-14, which will subsequently only do minor damage to the target whipper-snapper's lower extremities. This course of action can only mean one thing, which is that you are a wimp who wants to get your candy stolen. I personally suggest you go with a much more lethal device, the fragmentation mine. Designed to maim, incapacitate, or kill you just can't go wrong with one of these babies.

We can't depend solely upon the stupidity of generation whipper-snapper alone to kill them, plus it is hard to lay mines in concrete. This is where my next suggest comes in. This is where I suggest a howitzer. What better way to stop unwanted trick or treaters than by nailing them with shells from thirty-thousand meters away? If that doesn't stop them, then why not get yourself the Canadian 1st Infantry Division. It isn't like they're doing much of anything anyways.

Some of you may want to take things a bit more into your own hands. There is always the classic but clich� chainsaw, which is always fun. Also, if you want to get a bit creative you can fashion your own festive punji sticks that can be used to liven up your Halloween decorations. Pumpkins rigged with napalm will also allow you to set any would be extortionist aglow in a very befitting manner.

Should, however, they manage to avoid your defenses and arrive at your door I suggest nothing less than depleted uranium shells fired at point blank range. Follow this up with as many blasts from a shotgun as you deem appropriate; the more the better. If you are not able to stop them, consider pre-placing snipers on surrounding rooftops.

If after all this they still manage to steal your candy there is only one true and feasible option to use: The AH-64 Apache Attack Helicopter. Armed with not only a M230 30mm automatic cannon it comes equipped with Hellfire, Aim-92, and Aim-9 missiles. And, if that wasn't enough, it also comes with Hydra 70 rockets. If you can't bring down generation whipper-snapper with this bad boy, then you don't deserve your candy.

These are just a few cheap and simple steps that you can take this Halloween to ensure that your stash of candy will be protected from the dastardly generation whipper-snapper who will stop at nothing to see your reserves depleted. This year don't let candy theft happen to you. Also, for the kids, always stay in well lit areas, only visit houses with their lights on. Have your parents inspect all your candy before you eat any and always stay outside even if you are invited in. Have a fun, happy, and safe Halloween.

Until next time, keep generation whipper-snapper off my lawn.

ninja ...I uh... don't see the next one, Jaho. I'll look a little more, but if I don't find it then we'll either do without or you can work magic and type it up before the last day of December. Piece of cake.

[ Message temporarily off-line ]