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 Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 12:03 pm
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Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 7:07 pm
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 5:36 am
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 9:07 am
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 9:58 am
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Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 6:37 pm
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 9:45 am
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Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 9:34 pm
Part I – The Sentinel
Player: Blackheartstring
Name: MapleBreeze
Nicknames: Maple, Bree, or Zeph (<---Why is MapleBreeze's nickname the same as her chirop's?)
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Young Adult
Hatch Date: ????
Type: Deep Woods
Task: Scout (<---She can't be a scout if she's an RP-only, a sentinel without a picture. As long as she doesn't have a picture, she can only be a Watcher. I think you should re-read page two of the shop thread again.)
Personality: MapleBreeze is an easy-going, kind female, and is fun to talk to, she is smart, but with a sarcastic streak that sometimes gets her into trouble with the males.
History: She was a "lost egg"- an egg that was found in the hollow of a Maple tree in a Storm, hence the name Maple, with links to windyness of that night being "Breeze"
Territory: She has since flown back to the Maple tree, as when she found it and asked about the tree, she felt that it held a special place in her heart.
It is a large-ish tree, with the stream running by it, and plenty of bush to duck into on the far side, and the entrance is a look-out leading into a hole, which she can hop into comfortably with her buddy, Zeph.
Mate: -
Companions: Just one.
"Zeph" as Maple likes to call him, absolutely LOVES his owner, but then again, why wouldn't he?
They have grown up together (He was given to her as a fledgling) and she has saved him from many attacks by numerous hungry Sentinels, He is quiet, but strong, and loves to fly around with his mistress,
Maple doesn't understand why all her fellow Sentinels eat their companions, she often wonders why they could kill an animal that relys completely on you!
All the other sentinels laugh at her and call her a "Sparrow" for her defience in not eating or harming her Zeph, but she holds fast, knowing that she was different, but not trying to "fit in" and be part of the crowd, but is popular never the less.
Certificate: -
Part II – Companions
Name: Zephyr
Species: Chirop
Age: Young
Speech Ability: 2
Intelligence: 3
Skill: Zephyr is actually strong and hardy, he just is normally such a kind soul, no-one would ever think HE could be anything more than an appetiser, but that all changes if someone trys to hurt MapleBreeze! To help be on the look-out for things, basically just an extra pair of eyes and wings, but is also her "side kick". Quote: This is actually... a bit too short. It doesn't leave much for you to develop or have as background when you RP, and it doesn't give others many ideas of how to play with you. First of all, you need to move all the extra text from the "Companions:"-heading and try to incorporate it into the "Personality:" and "History:" headings instead.
Also, you should try to flesh it out a bit more: What was she like as a child? Who gave her her chirop? Where did she get her ideas about not eating companion animals? What makes her happy? What makes her sad? What makes her angry? These are all questions that you could think about and use to expand MapleBreeze's history and personality, if you'd like.
If you want some examples and/or ideas on what to write, and what a proper character form should look like, you can look at the approved ones that reside here.
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Posted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 10:07 am
I want this kind of feedback: Character Feedback Level of feedback: Gentle Part I – The Sentinel
Player: EvilSilerDragon
Name: MidnightJewel
Nicknames: Midnight or Night
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: young adult
Hatch Date: 03/21
Type: Shadow
Task: Watcher
Personality: Common-sense and a will to survive tempers her dare-devil personality. She thinks nothing of going to the ground for food if the opportunity presents itself, but she won’t just eat a berry because someone dares her to prove she is as brave as she acts. A defender and fighter by spirit, any Sentinel in need will find her a friend in deed. Once the danger has passed, she is likely to go her own way. It takes a lot for her to have an attachment to a place or being, but ideas she attaches eagerly, such as the idea to prove herself as a fighter and earn a rank with the respect of others to follow earning such a rank. When it comes to every day encounters, she gives back as good as she got. If the other Sentinel is friendly, she will be; however rudeness and aggression will be answered in kind.
History: Hatched second to her clutch brother, it was said she only came out because he dared her to emerge. This story is a constant amusement for her mother to tell and hold little water for those that know her mother. It was said the lady had some madness to her, though Midnight will tell that her mother was just different. Regardless of the validity of the story, what was said stuck with the young sentinel formed the base for her sometimes reckless behavior.
There is hardly a dare or a bet she will not take. When once dared to touch the floor of the forest to retrieve a flower, she surprised just about everyone there when she came back up with it, not a feather out of place. It was fun and games back when she was younger, but with the jokes flying around her corner of the Not Cold forest, the part of her not trying to live up to the story of her birth was tired. There was hardly a time that she could remember where she had a conversation with another sentinel and they didn’t dare her to do something. Even, much to her displeasure, the medics had a special area name after her for all the time she came in with an injury of some sort do to her dare taking.
Not only that, but many mistakenly believed her willingness to take dares as a sign of gullibility. She does not believe the sky is green, thank you very much, she checked it was blueish black.
It was her own brother that dared her again, he ‘started’ according to their mother, and so he was going to end it as best he could. With one dare, to leave their area of Not Cold forest and seek out a home in the Deep Woods. That one dare, like the one that reportedly started her off, sent her going. Now, she is looking for her place, a way to be useful, and a territory as close to the center of Deep Wood as she could earn. Combat does not scare her; she had enough bumps and bruises not to fear hurts.
The only item she wears was gathered during the long flight from the Not Cold forest to the Deep Wood. Flying lower than normal, she had the good fortune to go under a crafter's tree. Said crafter was trying to make a necklace out of silver with a deep blue topaz set in the center and it turned out to be far too small to fit over the head. Frustrated with his 'failed' work, the hot-tempered crafter just discarded the failure. It was right when seh was flying under the tree, that the discareded work was tossed out. Getting hit in the head by an unknown object wouldn't be what she called lucky, but Midnight took it with her since it hit her. The object was endlessly amusing and frustrating at the same time. With no idea what it was, she discovered several uses for the shiny thing she adored. Such as she could carry it in her talons and try to lure birds to land on it because some of them like the shiny as well. Bugs crawled on it without a problem. The lunch catching device was also light enough for other things. It could be thrown and caught, a delightful game that eventual lead to its final purpose. One day she threw it up and flew under it to catch it with her beak. Missing it, it landed on her head.
The item didn't bother her speed or flying as it had when she had it by the talons. In addition, she liked how it looked. The once necklace reject had become her circlet. Her habit of looking into water to make sure it was still there might lead to ideas of vanity, in reality, she liked the shiny reflected off the water and accented by the moon light, nothing more.
Territory: A single magnolia tree in the very south east rim of the Deep Woods, left side of the river.
Mate: n/a
Companions: n/a
Certificate: n/a Quote: Alright, I know you asked for gentle but unfortunately this form has a few problems that Probably need to be sorted out. First off, it'd probably be a good idea for you to think on the difference between what needs to be in a character form, and what doesn't. A character form is meant to share the information that most others would know about the individual, and a few interesting personality details that would make other players want to have their character meet her. The problem is that this form is filled with intricate details about her past that only she knows about, and doesn't spend enough time developing the interesting aspects of her personality.
The personality section is extremely short, and the history is far too long. A lot of the history could be replaced with something as simple as "her favourite accessory, a circlet, has an interesting story behind it that she is glad to share with anyone who will listen". That way you can use the more detailed history in a roleplay, when someone asks her about the circlet.
As for her personality, it sounds like many people back where she was hatched know about her willingness to take a dare - why not expand on that a bit? And I'd suggest that she consider omitting the crazy mother bit since it isn't really relevant to the rest of the form, or to the character at all the way she has been written. Crazy characters pose a problem in Noctua, as you've likely read on the second page.
I hope this helps! Once the form has been re-worked we can help with any other little things that might need to be ironed out.
--Slander
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Posted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 7:17 pm
I have no idea how this character's going to be received, but I kinda wanted to make him like those old, sweet, grandfatherly country doctors in the books I read when I was a kid... The kind who never seem to treat grownups, but always have a bag full of lollipops, y'know? Things in green are questions I had. I'm not entirely sure how to write him, so please, pick this apart as much as you possibly can! Part I – The Sentinel
Player: Scaramouche Fandango
Name: Deckard
Nicknames: Deck, Old Man (Not too sure about the last one- what would be the Sentinel term for something like that? Basically, it's one used by his closest associates when they're kidding around with him)
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Middle aged, but an old soul
Hatch Date: 7 January
Type: Deep Woods
Task: Medic
Personality: Deckard is a soft-spoken, calm individual who spends a lot of time pondering his every word and action. He focuses very deeply on the task at hand, often becoming completely engrossed with one case. Multitasking and hurrying his work along can be difficult for him, which is why his work as a doctor to the young is a suitable job- it's a lot easier to doctor properly when your patient will listen to your every word and not try to fly away before treatment is done because they've got a job to do! Young Sentinels tend to love him and think of him as a grandfather or extra Minder. His relationships with those his own age, however, are a bit more difficult. He often becomes flustered around females his age, picking up a bit of a stutter if he thinks that they're in contact for any reason other than instruction or medical aid. More aggressive males and females alike tend to find him something of a pushover, because he has a hard time saying no or doing anything he perceives as possibly hurtful to another. He does his best to be a true friend to all he meets, though, no matter what their opinions are of him. He's very close to many of his former students and patients who have grown up and now take their fledglings to him for their checkups and maladies
History: Deckard was Minder-raised, and in fact often considered becoming a Minder himself. He displayed a talent for calming the ill and in pain, though, and was steered towards becoming a Medic. He's quite fond of his task- to him, it's the best of both worlds. His specialty is pediatrics- hatchlings and fledglings feel comfortable around the quiet, kind, careful Sentinel, and he's reset more than one out-of-place pinion and quelled many childhood fevers and colds. His leather pouch is a thing of legend; many a fledgling will tell his friends how one minute, it was full of nasty-tasting tonics, then the next, it was overflowing with candied chestnuts (Chestnuts dipped in honey then left to dry would be within Sentinel capacity, right?) and juicy mouse tails. He also does a lot of instructive work for teaching new Medics basic care and specialized care of the young. Deckard has never had a mate, and hasn't really shown much interest in taking one. With so many little ones to heal, he doesn't feel the need for children of his own.
Territory: A single sycamore within a few minutes' flight of the Minders' Enclave, which he did not win on his own. Instead, it was given to him by a Minder friend of his, whose territory it's really in. It's really only a place to sleep and store his supplies.
Mate: None
Companions: Trevelyan, a Mus
Certificate:
Part II – Companions
Name: Trevelyan
Species: Mus
Age: Adult
Speech Ability: 5
Intelligence: 3
Skill: Trevelyan (or Trevvie) was specially picked out for his dexterity. He's generally in charge of sorting and storing different sizes of bandages, dock leaves, and miscellaneous medical supplies. He's also trained to be cute and comforting towards fledglings and hatchlings, as he's often used as a distraction while his master examines a patient.Quote:
- Old bird perhaps? But that could be seen as a bit insulting. Old man works. Old bird wouldn't be an insult, that's fine.
- Try to use the word medic instead of doctor. Perhaps "..it's a lot easier to heal properly.." instead of "doctor properly" too.
- Honey covered chestnuts should be possible, yes. A bit sticky perhaps smile - If you want to you can substitute child and childhood with chick/fledgling/hatchling and fledglinghood, but that’s optional.
- Medics are normally assigned a territory, but some fight for and hold private territories too. He’s probably assigned a suitable territory near one of the bigger minder enclaves because of his speciality.
EDIT: I got a comment from Slander: Quote: I don't think honey would dry in the sun? It might get crusty and crystallize, but it would also attract bugs and other things. How would the medic deal with that?
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Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 10:51 am
Part I – The Sentinel
Player: Gaelach_buachaill
Name: Nightwing
Nicknames: Night
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Adult
Hatch Date: 5/03/2007
Type: Shadow
Task: Ranger
Personality: Solemn, and usually keeps to herself, she doesn’t make many friends. The ones she does make, she would go to the ends of Noctua and back for. She puts her task before personal safety, and is sometimes a bit reckless when trying to complete whatever she’s doing, but you can count on her to keep a cool head in a tough situation.
History: As a chick, she was like any other young sentinel, but around the time she became a fledgling, she became more solemn, and seemed more reserved, picking her friends carefully and not spending as much time playing as the other fledglings were. She seemed to spend much more time learning about the world around her than others. As all fledglings must, she eventually learned how to fly, but during one of her excursions with her Minder, a wind storm blew in a stray branch cut her above the eye, resulting in a small, but noticeable scar. She was a bit scared to fly for a few weeks afterwards, but she soon lost the fear and took to the skies again to practice. When it came time for her to choose her profession, she knew exactly what she wanted to be, a ranger. Now she’s been patrolling the edges of the territory for almost a year. She had very few quarrels and prefers to stay at home when she’s not out doing her ranger’s duties.
Territory: A fairly young and sturdy poplar, though it’s just big enough to comfortably fit a few Sentinels in it.
Mate: None
Companions: None
Certificate: N/A
Quote: - As a RP-only sentinel the only task available is Watcher so you’ll need to change that.
- Sounds like a strange accident... Is there any specific reason why you want a scar for her?
- On that note it might be better not to describe her looks too much if she’ll be a RP-only since it limits the ways you can get her later. For RP-only Sentinels it’s usually better to focus on the personality and not on the appearance.
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Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 7:47 pm
Part I – The Sentinel
Player: Chikagi
Name: Roseblossom
Nicknames: Rose, Rosie
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Fledgling
Hatch Date: 6/10/2008
Type: Aberrant, Shadow & Deepwoods
Task: ---
Personality: Sullen and pitiful, Roseblossom is a quiet Sentinel who feels ashamed of her Abberant plumage. She looks on the other types with envy, wallowing in self-woe about her mixed heritage. Self-doubting and meek, she never stands up for herself, but rather finds herself apologizing instead.
Due to her low self-esteem, she practices her flying alone. Only when she's sure no one is watching does she feel free enough to stretch her wings. Though small due to her parents' types, the Shadow from her father's side brings a beautiful luster to her feathers, while the natural talent for intricate flying comes from her Deepwood's mother.
History: As an Aberrant, Roseblossom has endured the teasing and jeering of her peers, coupled with the judgmental and disdain-filled looks she receives from the older Sentinels. She can't help but feel that it's her own fault somehow, confused by the prejudice she experiences for something completely out of her control.
During classes, she falters with her flying, too ashamed to fully spread her wings to fly correctly. Because of this, her class-mates would only tease her further. Under extreme situations she has a very slight stutter, of which she tries her best to hide, lest it become another source of her shame. This causes her to become stubbornly quiet, and she will refuse to speak, instead only bobbing her head in reply.
She longs to show the forest exactly how graceful she can be in the air, but is held back by the limits of her type. She has plans to travel into the farther reaches of the forest where she can fly by herself or until she can dye her feathers.
Territory: ---
Mate: ---
Companions: ---
Certificate:
[[ I have plans for her meeting up with one of my adult Sentinels who lives in the fringes of the forest, that way she won't be just a fledgling by herself. ]]
Quote: - Aww... She's such a cutie and she doesn't even look that much like an aberrant... Poor thing, but bullies are rarely fair...
- A fledgling can not travel long distances by themselves so your idea might become problematic. It would be better to bring your other Sentinel closer to the enclave if you want them to meet.
- Another factor to consider is that the Minders in her enclave would probably turn the forest upside down until they found her if she disappeared. Mixed aberrant or not, she is a fledgling under their care.
- Dye, not die.
- I’ll have to ask Jaeger and Slander if fledglings can teach themselves to fly. I can understand that she flies better without the teasing, but I imagine she will need some guidance (a patient Minder or other adult perhaps?) if she is going to become a really good flyer like you are planning. Slander I'd say that a fledgling could learn to fly independently in the same way that a human child could learn to walk. But gracefully? That's doubtful, especially if she's aiming towards a skydancer level of grace. You don't learn to be a good dancer or a marathon runner in isolation, it takes training to achieve that.
Fixed the die/dye error.
She'd be leaving as soon as she graduated, so would they still search for her?Quote: If she has graduated then she will be considered an adult by sentinel society, and thus be responsible for her own actions. By that time she should also have learned to fly about as well as a normal adult, or at least proved that she is capable of flying well enough to be able to contribute to society, or she will be held back from graduation and considered a fledgling until she can prove otherwise.
However, once graduated, she would not neccessarily be sought after if she went away, unless someone worried about her or there was reason to suspect that she might have gotten into an accident. Also, if she has graduated, then she must have chosen a task as well - how about Ranger, or Scout? That would be a perfect excuse to get away from everything, and not have to worry about being followed or forced to go back again.
Other than that, I'm not too sure that all the things you have written in her history section really belongs there... it feels to me that a lot of those things could very easily be bumped up under personality instead. Might want to take a look at that, if you have the time.
I would have her leave as soon as she graduated and take the task of ranger so that she could fly to the edges of the forest. She would overcome her shyness to prove that she is at least capable of flying, only so that she could leave.Quote: Nice. Either that, or her secret training sessions alone are spied out by a Watcher, who could then inform the one in charge of her graduation, and have her be approved that way. It's up to you how you want to make that part work, IC or OOC. Well then, this form looks really good now. simple and concise, with lots of room for development, perfect for a fledgling! Approved, unless Annchen has something to add. Quote: Nope, no more comments. She's approved and posted in the character list.
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Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 8:26 pm
I want this kind of feedback: Character Feedback Level of feedback: Gentle Part I – The Sentinel
Player: EvilSilverDragon
Name: Barkwing
Nicknames: Babbles (close firends) Bark (anyone)
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Fledgling
Hatch Date: 9/26/2008
Type: Wildtype
Task: --
Personality:Barkwing is a joy for the minders caring for her. Nothing keeps her down, all a minder has to do is flash a shinny thing or another and it instantly captivates her. Normally, she is very friendly, always with a smile and a friendly word. When she is annoyed with another, she'll fluff up and likes to follow them. Payback comes in the form of mocking the other Sentinel behind their back, especially when they are talking with someone else.
History: Barkwing was raised by Minders since she was an egg. From the moment she peaked out of her shell she was giggling. She favored no Minder over another, attention was attention.
The minders had no trouble with her, no matter how upset or she was, all they needed was something shiny. Be it a gem or metal, anything that shinned had her immediately mesmerized and happy. Because of her adoration of shinny little bobbles, the minders would call her babbles, a feminine sounding version of her favorite things.
Territory: none
Mate: none
Companions: none, for now
Certificate:
Quote: I fixed everything! I hope the history is alright now, but I'd be fine changing it again if I need to. Quote: Her character is just fine now, and there are just a few language issues that you will have to fix. After that she should be ready to hit the RP scene! Since you wanted us to focus on character feedback I'll just list the things that need to be changed for her to be approved:
- One typo in the "nicknames" section.
- you're writing "shinny" instead of "shiny" here and there.
- "From the moment she peaked out of her shell" should be "peeked out"
- "anything that shinned had her immediately mesmerized and happy" should be "anything that shone"
- "Because of her adoration of shinny little bobbles", should be "shiny little baubles"
If you'd like some more in depth language and grammar help I'll ask Pearly to take a look at it, but changing those things should be enough for her to be approved.
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