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 Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 4:59 pm
Sounds good. Like the symbolism of my avi now? I'll see you around eventually, though. It's not like I'm dying, Gods forbid.
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Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 9:55 pm
Monday night I went to hang out with my friends Andrew and Brandon, and I made some new friends. The things is, I hadn't hung out with Brandon in like seven years or something. I was like 12 or 13 last time we spent any real time together. I was so happy just to see him again, I've missed him so much.
The new friends I made are Craig (Emo), Holly, and for some reason I can't remember the other girls name, but I'd know her if I saw her again. Emo's cool, we didn't speak much, but when we did, there was a connection. We were left alone at one point, and we were content to lay quietly on Andrew's bed and listen to my mini-disc player (Seabound and Shpongle, hooray for obscure music!), which was alright. We kissed at one point, but I kissed everyone who was there at one point or another (a few I had kissed at other times) so that was alright.
The part I'll remember the most, though, is the three kisses Brandon gave me right before he left... When I was 12 I had the biggest (and I mean BIGGEST) crush on him, and I don't think that's changed at all, to tell the truth... But to have a childhood crush kiss you years later, when you'd given up hope of ever even seeing them again, and forgotten just how much you really liked them... I don't think anyone can really know what its like to have your world just flipped right upside down like that... We're talking about a guy who I had resigned myself to never getting to ever have any sort of romantic contact with, kissing me out of no where.
I mean, I was happy enough when we first saw each other, and Andrew went to introduce us, and as soon as he said my name, Brandon smiled huge and said "and I know Candice! I haven't hung out with you in forever!" And just like... Gave me this huge freaking hug. I was so happy I think I wanted to cry right there, but I didn't, because I'm good at keeping that in. Haha. But just... I mean, I didn't think he'd remember me at all, and he did, he really did. It had been quite a while since I'd even thought about Brandon, but I knew he was going to be there, and to have him remember me like that... I wonder how much I've been on his mind over the last six or seven years?
It seems we have so much in common now, though. I mean, when we were kids I think it was just Dragon Ball Z and the fact that we lived in the same building that made us friends. But now, our musical taste, fashion sense, fetishes, television shows... A lot of it runs parallel, and I can hardly believe it.
It was so good to be around people who I honestly felt I fit in with. I mean, even when I'm with people who I have stuff in common with, I usually never feel like I fit in. I usually still feel there's some kind of wedge driving itself between us, and that I won't be around them for very long in terms of friendships. And I'm usually right. But with these people, with my real friend Brandon, with my good friend Andrew, with my pretty-boy Twiggy... I honestly felt like I belonged. I don't think I've ever truly been that comfortable, that much of myself, without fearing rejection. But there was no fear, and there was no rejection... Everything was accepted, everyone was accepted, it was... Real friendship, real fellowship. I've never, never been so happy. I've never been around people who liked all the same music as I do, and who liked me for who and what I was, and took me as I came, with no judgment and no disdain for any part of me. It was acceptance, plain and simple, and for once in my life I had no fear of anything, no worries they wouldn't like me, no hidden unsurety, or buried insecurity.
These people, these friends, are everything I've been looking for since I was a child. They remind me so greatly of the character I've written about and created for the Sick Cycle Karousel stories I started writing when I was 13, after the last time I'd seen Brandon. A group of friends who are open with their sexualties, free of inhibitions, so close and so in love with all of each other that it doesn't matter who's with who because everyone is always with everyone. I never thought I'd ever have the kind of friendship in real life as I had created in fiction; now that I do, I'm in shock, and I've never been happier in the whole of my life as I am now.
Not only that, but Brandon now has both my facebook and my cell phone number, plus my express interest in having him come over and see the instruments in my basement. I want us to hang out far more often, I want us to become close friends again, as we once were. And I think he might want the same thing, or maybe he wants more. Who knows? Who cares? I'm just happy to be around him again! (I might, ah, switch randomly from calling him Brandon to calling him Casper... Same person, Casper is just a nickname.)
So yeah! I just wanted to share how happy I am, and why. <3
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Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 7:48 am
You guys, guess what... I totally had an emotional breakdown in French class yesterday. Yeah. I started crying and coudn't stop, I had to leave the class and everything. There was snot and tears everywhere, my face was all red... it was awful. My mom wants to up my meds, but I say it was probably just stress, what with all the homework (mine and my mother's, she taking a docient class and hasn't been to school in 30 years so I'm going over all her stuff), Billy's grandma dying, Bright Futures threatening to leave me... A bit of sleep will do just as much good as any medicaton would.
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Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 8:33 am
Take the day off and sleep. that always helps me, either that or just relax for the whole day. I'm feeling a little stressed out myself, been waking up really early for my morning classes and haven't been getting much sleep. I'm a full time college student and work part time too. The other thing irritating me is the way people drive here, the roads were A little wet and i was passing people in 4x4's going slow to not slide and i'm in a civic, yeesh, i need to go down south and get away from things.
any way, enough of my ranting, how is everyone else??
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 3:56 pm
I'm so happy for you, Tommy. It's good to have friends like that, you know?
Elv...I know how you feel. In fact, some days, I just take "Mental Health Days", where I basically veg at home or at a bookstore until I feel stable. Rejuvenated.
And sorry I wasn't on yesterday, for those who want to know, I was catching up on my sleep (12 hours last night).
---
A lot has happened in two days. I outed Timmy (I guess....) accidentally, and feel pretty bad about it, apart from the fact that everyone knows anyway, and it was accidental, and really, it's for the best. Okay, so I'm defensive. What can I do but apologize and don't repeat the mistake?
You know, it's kind of...funny, in a way. The more I see Timmy, the more he warms up to me, and the more I cool to him. I'm starting to realize that the age gap might be too much for a gay couple in high school can handle. I wonder if I were that...tender, and...bigheaded, and reticent two years ago. A part of me wonders if I still am.
I was talking to Kayla and another girl, Blake, about this today. They think it might be that he doesn't want people to think of him as 'the gay guy'. I replied stubbornly that he better get used to the idea, because when people learn he is, most of them are going to act pretty differently around him. And it'll hurt, hurt bad, in a different way than being hurt by someone because of a character flaw will hurt. It's that little sneer in the voice when people say 'he's gay', and you know they mean 'he's a f*****t'. It's better to know upfront who will see the 'what' before the 'who'. It's better not to keep yourself from people, because they will undoubtedly feel wretched no matter how it turns out that you kept it from them, and you probably will then, too.
It's better by far to know who will hate you for what you are, and surround yourself with people who love you for who you are.
But he'll have to learn that on his own--he's just not going to listen to me. I know that. I don't think I would have either, two years ago. And it doesn't excuse my error. I know that, too. It hurts me that I might have unwittingly have hurt him. But it hurts me more that he puts himself in positions where he takes unnecessary hurts when he has more than enough of his own, and knowingly lays his heart on the ground, only to get upset when people trample on it.
Actually, we're far too much alike.
---
I worked out again, today. It's okay, but certainly the novelty has been lost. Today, I only worked out for about an hour and a half. And part of that time, I spent outside, sitting at a table under a huge tree, thinking about things. Mama and Robert and Will and Henson. Pam and Christene and ViVi and, yes, Timmy. I stare at a tennis court, but it isn't what I see. Like ribbons through my fingers, so they slip through my mind, one beautiful, painful memory at a time. I find myself weeping silently, without sobs, one slow tear at a time. There is a sadness to it, but I can't tear myself away from it--it's a part of me, and there is such beauty to it.... It seems like enough to hold onto it, because it is so special to me. My memories are so precious that, no matter the tears...no matter the pain, I have to keep holding on.
It wasn't a breakdown, you see. It was a breakthrough.
---
Anyway, I guess that's all for now.
-Andrew
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:15 pm
Drew, babe, I'm going to PM you. I'd call, but I have no time on my phone. I want to... Not vent, but I need someone I trust who can know what I have to say, and be a sort of "shoulder to cry on."
Everyone else, sorry, I really don't feel... Well, I wouldn't feel right spilling it here.
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:35 pm
I'll stay on all night if I have to waiting for your message. It's the least I can do after all you've done for me--and besides, that's what friends are for, right?
-Lea
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:46 pm
Thanks, sweetie. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:48 pm
Hello -dramatic bow- my name is NovaKing and I'll be moonlighting here whilst away from my other guild ("Infinite possibilities" if your interested in a fairly active writer's guild) where a few of the mods are angry at me for one reason or another. It's not that I don't follow the rules, it's just I openly dissent to silly things the mods say.
I've only been writing for something like a year, but my will to improve myself is strong, and I always keep an open mind when it comes to suggestions regarding my writing.
Be forwarned, I'm a bit pragmatic and logical when it comes to philosophy so I may be an open arguer in the area (which actually happens to be the primary reason the vice captian of the guild I'm in doesn't like me.)
I look forward to seeing all of you on the message boards.
King of the Dying Star
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:59 pm
And notably I use meditation to calm me and clearify my thoughts so that I can widdle down my perception into a complex, yet effective, philosophy. That being said, I have few troubles to relate with. (I'm sorry sad )
I'm always there for any soul in need though and if nothing else I can listen.
[oh well]
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 5:44 pm
We're happy to have you (provided you read the rules before posting any works). We need another person in here, it's like a ghost town...
And I'm sure you'll find something to relate to. The LKWC is basically a big jumble of emotional mishaps with some humor and current events thrown in. mrgreen
Edit: I'm Elv, by the way. Long story (sort of).
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 5:50 pm
*dryly* Thanks for the warning. *pours Winter's Special* But this is the Cafe, and this, the House of Muse. Opinions, even outside the moddom, are welcomed. You might even find a sparring partner worth his salt in me or Lion or KiyoKyo, not to mention Elv and Tommy.
We're always looking for new blood (to spill, sometimes), and usually hoping it lasts longer than it does. *takes long looks around and chuckles with the Cafe's patrons*
So enjoy the company, Nova, and welcome to the House of Muse. Stay however long you please.
~Leavy-Kun
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 6:02 pm
Leavaros *dryly* Thanks for the warning. *pours Winter's Special* But this is the Cafe, and this, the House of Muse. Opinions, even outside the moddom, are welcomed. You might even find a sparring partner worth his salt in me or Lion or KiyoKyo, not to mention Elv and Tommy. We're always looking for new blood (to spill, sometimes), and usually hoping it lasts longer than it does. *takes long looks around and chuckles with the Cafe's patrons* So enjoy the company, Nova, and welcome to the House of Muse. Stay however long you please. ~Leavy-Kun Much obliged, and I will enjoy the fight. I always have. Sorry if my post was too pretentious, Incase that's what you meant by the "dryly" I'll try to better catch myself next time.
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 6:09 pm
Arrow Slingzen We're happy to have you (provided you read the rules before posting any works). We need another person in here, it's like a ghost town... And I'm sure you'll find something to relate to. The LKWC is basically a big jumble of emotional mishaps with some humor and current events thrown in. mrgreen Edit: I'm Elv, by the way. Long story (sort of). It's a pleasure elv. My last guild was more cheery, so I'm glad to hear that my change in venue can present me with a new atmosphere.
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 6:13 pm
*sigh* You remind me of myself, perhaps a little too much to be...well.
Remember, Nova, that words are the weapons of gentlemen, and we do not fight, but rather war with wit. Brawls and flames, verbal or otherwise, are unacceptable in The House of Muse.
And will you post something to read? Oh, why not read my Locker Room Discrepancies, if you're in the mood for something interesting and hot off the press.... You'll find it in the Writer's Corner, within the first ten non-sticky threads. Read it at your own risk, though--it isn't for everyone....
-Leavaros
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