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 Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:31 pm
"I'm not a child," Yeah... but then again just who are you anyway?
He didn't feel like the Valin Lobel that was alive before war. So much had happened to change him. So many had died. People he loved, people he cared for. And even then there were more. He commanded people, soldiers. So many of them died? And what about the worlds ransacked by the Vong? He had watched whole worlds burn from the void of space. You can't imagine what it feels like for a whole planet to die.
Hell, he had been on Coruscant when the Yuuzhang Vong conquered the planet by force. He had been there when a bloody Imperial Star Destroyer rocketed to the surface. 1,600 meters of almost pure durasteel hit the surface of the planet.
Ever felt millions - hunderds of millions - of people die at once?
Valin Lobel wasn't prepared for war when it came and it costed him a lot. Not just in friends and family. It costed him emotionally and psychologically. He didn't know how to accept these losses as part of life. As part of a galactic tragedy that resulted in deaths for 365 trillion sentient beings like himself. He wasn't the only one to suffer loses - but he could just only focus on his own like some obssesed fool.
But that's not what Valin hated the most. It was that when everyone else was also suffering - Valin Lobel didn't try helping or easing any of it. He became crazy about his problems and he allied himself with the Sith, took the title of Darth Paxis, and just added to that pain. He had been seduced by the promises to bring his lover - one person - back from the netherworld of the Force. But for a while, he forgot about that because the Dark Side's power was just too much to resist. For a while, he just wanted every living thing to suffer as much as he was. And even when he freed, he was so selfish to push everyone away.
So Red was right - for a guy who preached and lectured about selflessness, he was pretty damned selfish. And childish. And all around stupid. Instead of atoning - he ran. He ran like hell. Didn't want to think. Thinking lead to more pain. And he didn't want to deal with it because he too afriad of it. And Valin Lobel had just had enough with it. And so he wasn't brave enough to stand up to the pain, just run from it and act like a good little Jedi. Because at least he sorta, kinda, but not really felt good about himself then.
He could exile himself from the Order, run the rest of his life, and pretend to be a Jedi for the rest of his life. Live in constant fear of the pain of loss.
Or he could just face his past, deal with it, and move on. Even if the pain was unbearable.
Valin Lobel had made his choice: He was going to be a real Jedi again. Or at least not be such a selfish, childish, idiotic man he had been. He quickly exiled himself to the longue where the darkness meant he'd had some privacy.
"Oh Kalee," He said aloud as he laid down, "I've gotten myself into such a stupid, stupid mess?"
Yeah. You have, you doofus, but can you feel it? Can you really feel the Force again? Not just the small bits you allowed yourself to feel in that hole in the ground you dug yourself?
"I'm afriad so," The Jedi remarked, "I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to call myself a Jedi Knight. I've been traveling down the Dark Side and haven't even noticed it, haven't I?"
No one's ever deserved to call themselves a Jedi, Valin. Everyone of us had to earn it. A lot of Jedi fall into the Dark Side. And some can overcome it. You can too. There's a destiny for you.
"Yeah, what destiny?"
Why don't you just find out? This is a chance for a new start for you. So take it. Who knows where it leads? He felt the tingle of that Force Ghost go away. Her time was up for now. She was gone. Again. The Jedi Knight laid on the couch in the darkness. At least it was the 'real' darkness.
Kalee was right: Time to start over. And do things like he knew he could do them. And he'd fight like hell for save as many lives as he could, to push away the fear of having friends. To push away the fear that he was going to lose everyone again. To push on with being the kind of person he wanted.
He smiled, a real smile, time to just be Valin Lobel again, eh?
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:32 pm
[[ I'm never posting again. Ever. Okay, maybe a bit tomorrow. >_> ]]
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The Fierce Deity Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:32 pm
<<@Red: Well, his original last name would likely be used. While he would deny it, he technically still is Tybron, even if just for the fact that they share the same soul...Tybron and Deity are very different, which is why Deity considers himself nameless.>>
<<@Sone: Thanks... xD >>
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:34 pm
((I've always the inclination to call her Red Sonja because of someone I used to know whom Red reminds me of, not simply because of the name.))
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:40 pm
~{
0_o
Blinks at Deity's siggy...proceeds to fall out of his chair in laughter!
LMAFAO! rofl rofl rofl rofl
}~
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:47 pm
[[ Deity's sig is made up of 4chan image macros. All of them. >_> ]]
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The Fierce Deity Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:50 pm
<<@Monkeyboy: Lies. OoO >>
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:52 pm
The Fierce Deity <<@Monkeyboy: Lies. OoO >>
They are made of Love and Joy?
}~
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:53 pm
[[ They should be made of 'Read my post or I'll never RP again'. XP ]]
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:57 pm
<<@Monkeyboy: ::is busy:: Deity'll read it later...it's huge... xD >>
<<@Tama: Well, he's half right...many are from 4chan, obviously - a few blatantly mention 4chan - but Deity made some of them by himself.>>
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The Fierce Deity Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:58 pm
Screaming Wookiee [[ They should be made of 'ICE CREAM so Tama has soemthing to ******** eat! ninja domokun ninja . XP ]]
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:58 pm
[[ /co/ is the best board ever. But only because I'm a huge nerd and fan of old school cartoons and anything relating to comics. x3 ]]
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The Fierce Deity Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 8:05 pm
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 8:11 pm
[[ /x/ just makes sure I'm not going to sleep anytime soon. >_> ]]
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The Fierce Deity Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 8:12 pm
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