Nereza stared at the door. She had no desire to stay, just the desire to leave to return to home. As the voice spoke it had given the choice, something to forget.
The horseman just stared. How silly was it for the door to tell her to forget something, there was no reason to forget anything. Every choice, every incident, every little detail of her life had served her some purpose. There was reason to everything.
Wasn’t there?
A question posed in her mind as something reminded her.
Failure…
She had been good at everything she had done except she had felt she had failed her clan. Failed them in some way.
“I chose to leave behind my legs,” Nereza replied her voice sharp as if the decision was made and there was no way she could go back on her words. If she did it would haunt her, this was her only chance. Never to remember it again.
Her legs started to ache, as if they were on fire, ripping from her toes up to her torso. The tore at flesh and ripped apart. She smashed into the floor her legs no longer a part of her body. Extending her arm she could see her fingers reaching trying to touch the door. Pushing herself up on her elbows she started to crawl, crawl pass the door.
Returning always seemed like the better answer to Joachim as he stood looking at the door. He wondered why the little stick full of holes was in his pocket as the mouse squeaked tugging on his bangs.
Return home.
Yes, he wanted to as he looked at the door knowing the uneasiness that seemed to seep through was caused not only by its existence but his own. There was another option, another promise given to him.
He could forget something, he could forget someone, or some sort of choice that he had made. He thought, however nothing came to mind. All his life despite his rather dark grumpy like appearance had been rather easy going. True, he had possibly died a few times, been in situations of having to deal with rather horrible creatures.
Joachim could even forget Enzo, now that would be a delight, but no. There was nothing he needed to forget at the moment.
“I chose to leave nothing behind,” he replied as a feeling of pain started to flow through his body. s**t…. This was always the sort of issue he was finding himself in, maybe he should have chosen to just forget everything. Too late now, he thought as he started to make his way to the door. Soon it would all be over anyways.
Posted: Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:06 pm
Everything was more fun here. She enjoyed it entirely. Zili's mouth quirked in a smile as she held onto her chest softly. Her heart throbbed-- and then throbbed harder as she realized what was happening. As all of her memories entered her she tugged at her chest softly and frowned softly. The pain was almost excruciating. The memory of needing to help Excalibur surged through her body.
She shook her head and shuddered. As much as she would love to help... she had nothing she wanted to give up. She wanted to keep everything that she experienced..
With small tears in her eyes, she took as step forward into the door and sighed. She offered nothing...
Eranas
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kuumeii
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Posted: Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:12 pm
A door was in front of her and her hands moved across it slowly. Iyari's bright eyes were staring at it as it spoke to her, the words shaking down to her core and the horsewoman felt her wings shake. It repeated "Shall we return?" to her several times and she stood clenching her hands. It felt wrong and strange and she took a few steps back from it.
Her own voice was speaking back to her and it haunted her a little as it continued. A few words together caught her ear. "...What part of our burden shall we discard?" It said and she stopped herself completely.
Burden.
The word caught her off guard and she had stopped herself, her body muscles relaxing and her usual bright and focused eyes darkening under the dull thought. It had happened not that long ago and the War Horseman had bared most of her shame and inner demons on her own. The soldier was silent when it seemed something else might jump out of her mouth, her weapons became sharpened when she felt the twinge of failure - rather than any emotion which could be considered weak she would busy herself to not feel it, to become numb.
A cycle which was driving into her like a blunt knife into an animal. A dull pain which flowed out from her.
Failure.
That's what it was. Her gut curled into itself and she grabbed at it as if her acknowledgement of it was going to burst her into two. The words of her mentor rang through her like a dagger twisting further into an already bleeding wound. "If you die today, would you be proud of your story?" She was clenching her fists so tightly that she could feel the sting of her fingernails digging deeper and deeper into them.
"No." She spoke dully, her voice quivering. The once proud, noble and so self-certain horseman was gone and had been replaced by a far lesser copy of itself. Clenching her eyes she shook her head violently. She could not protect him and he had gone so far from her. They were no more siblings than a cat and a dog forced to live under the same roof.
And then there was Jay.
Growing up she'd always felt she was going to be a role model in friendships, happy with the one person who didn't seem to give up on her. They'd mended but there was that incident where they had nearly killed each other. She couldn't protect her; she couldn't even protect herself when it had come down to it. Some role-model.
Since the fall nothing had seemed to go right and where she had thought to find her path she fell from it time and time again. Iyari was holding her head now, pressing against it from both sides with a frustrating screech. All the thoughts were coming back. Internally it was screaming out, "Stop being weak, you're a soldier, a warrior - you don't have time for this!" Iyari could feel the warm sting of tears coming on and she stopped shaking her head, staring hatefully at the door.
How dare it give her this now!
A bitter feeling was creeping up and she stood staring. Was this a moment of weakness? Mistakes could only lead to less, but to forget the mistake in the first place and never make it, what could that lead to? Her wings moved and curled around the front of her body and she stood motionless for a long time. If she could do it all again she knew that she would - there had been no way the fierce warrior had given her all.
It felt like cotton was swelling in her mouth. It was weakness plain and simple, her own inability to cope made her feel small, helpless like a foal. "...would you be proud..." It was haunting her, those words. There was no pride left in her, she had done nothing worth feeling pride. Those last moments from before the fall she had been happy - it would never return the same but since the fall she was lost like a child.
"No more." She murmured and her eyes glinted at the door. There was no pride or honor in it, but it was a gift. To move on, to continue and to work towards the revenge that burned deeply inside of her. Unhindered she could go back, become what she had intended without anything left to hinder her - to be the fierce Horseman of War she had intended.
There was a half-smile on her face before she forcefully took a few steps with hand on the door, her smile soon disappeared and she felt it under her fingertips. "To be what is needed...
I will leave my body behind."
The words spoken she could feel a nothingness surrounded her and she closed her eyes as her fingers continued to press against the door. Iyari leaned against the door and felt her body start to vanish, to become empty. There was something soothing about it, a calm fading rather than pain. Fear wasn't a word she knew even in the face of some things. Even if not a fix, even if that weakness it was still her choice. She laughed as she felt her fingers begin to vanish away, falling to pieces in the nothingness.
Soon she would be like the void she was standing in. "I am proud and now may continue to be." With a last gasp of air the War Horseman was suddenly gone. Perhaps it had been too much for her but she had settled into this and even as her con·scious state faded away there was an air of determination settled into the area she had left.
Iyari would give up everything to get everything back - and that was a story she would be fine if others knew.
Posted: Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:13 pm
Danny approached the door. It was scary. Large. Impending.
It looked like it would be fun to climb.
She attempted, to no avail.
"Do you wish to return?"
Danny tilted her head. Was the funny voice talking to her? Wait no- that was her voice! She knew that voice! "Return? Where dude?"
"Do you wish to return?"
Her expression went flat. "Well you have to tell me wh-"
"We can return. We can return, but you can still choose. We can return, but not as the same. We have been given this gift, the gift of leaving our pain behind. What part of our burden should we discard? "
"Now that you mention it ... I guess my chest is kinda heavy? I dunno." She scratched at it. It wasn't a painful sort of burden, yet it still felt ... heavy. Overdone. Overcome with emotions and pain. "Can I leave this?"
There was silence. Danny decided that she was going to do whatever the hell she wanted. So she tore out her heart and left through the door.
More nothing. Agsil was growing tired of awakening in nothing. Least she felt at peace. That was... something. She could almost smile here. Nothing hurt. Nothing felt... wrong. Contentment. That was what she had here. But the door loomed just before her. Voice boomed in her head.
"Do you wish to return?"
Not really. There was where pain resided. Couldn't she linger here a bit longer?
"Do you wish to return?"
Did she even have a choice? Awareness seeped in. Agsil--the door?--continued to speak. She had a choice. Give something up. Leave the pain behind. Only more pain was awaiting her. Beyond that door, beyond the nothingness. She could leave some behind, forget. Make room for whatever else was to come.
Something about that really rose her hackles.
Even against the pain. The agony. Even to breath burned and clawed her raw. But she took a step. Thought her very bones were going to shatter into dust, but she made the step. And another. Another. The door loomed, and Agsil twisted her facial muscles into a smirk.
"And forget what trials have forged me? No. I'd rather hang on to everything." The sneer seemed loud against the voice of the door, but Agsil walked on. She left behind nothing. Her memories were her. They'd helped shape her. Pushing through the door, she had no regrets.
Posted: Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:16 pm
"We can return, but you can still choose. We can return, but not as the same. We have been given this gift, the gift of leaving our pain behind. What part of our burden should we discard? "
Rikki looked around at the dark of the room. Back that door that was him. He thought about what he could leave. He really considered the things he'd faced - losing Tellervo, getting shot, so many field trips gone wrong. He thought about leaving them behind...
But...
It didn't feel right. He'd experienced those things for a reason. He was himself for a reason.
"I'm not leaving anything behind," he said, stepping through the door.
DarkHeartedSorrow
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Posted: Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:21 pm
Feng had already started for the door before he was stopped by the voice saying something more.
"We can return, but you can still choose. We can return, but not as the same. We have been given this gift, the gift of leaving our pain behind. What part of our burden should we discard? "
Dis...card? He could leave behind pain? He could... he could leave behind the failures. Leave behind ever disappointing his dad. But that disappointment was what had lead him to his position with Deus. It was what made him say yes.
He wanted to remember that.
He shook his head. "No. No, thank you," and walked through the door.
Posted: Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:28 pm
He has saved you all, but the show isn't over yet. The lights are still on, the curtains haven't fallen, there has been no encore. The show is not over. Your father has always told you not to mistake kindness for weakness, and it's one of the few things that has stuck to the insides of your ribs.
(You don't make the same mistake twice.)
The kindness he offers you is a reprieve. It is a choice, it is an opportunity to cut off the bad limb before the infection spreads and the whole thing goes to hell.
(It has all already gone to hell. You hope it isn't too late.)
It's a chance to forget your days-weeks-months of sorrow and regret. Your years of bitter hatred. The darkest corners of you, yourself, and you part two.
Your arm thrums with a sweet pain that is too strong for you to bear.
(With a sigh of relief, you know that it is time.)
You have sacrificed a great deal, but you know that there is always more to lose. That much is evident. This time, though. This time, it's your choice.
(It's like saying goodbye to who you once were. Goodbye and good riddance.)
So you offer the saviour your arm from the elbow down, no more and no less, because it's all that you deserve, but you've never been any good at doing anything in halves. It comes off at the socket, and you cradle it for a split second before leaving it behind.
You do not offer more because you cannot. An arm is an arm is an arm is your pain, and an arm is all that you've got to spare.
1. You forget every spat you've had over the years. They add up, and fast, if you take both your whole lives into account. Her name is Mimsy Kercher and you forget that you'd rather call her Mildred. You forget ruining her life. You forget her ruining yours. You forget.
2. You forget the bitter arguments over her deathbed. You forget that he took her off life support. You forget that she died and you argued with him at the funeral, screaming, clawing, dragged off by friends. You forget.
3. You forget that you are facing down a horseman. You forget that you led your companions, your allies, your friends into the heart of darkness. Into a den of evil. You forget how you got the scars that ruin you, you forget how Rep did, too. You forget that you were a failure of a leader. You forget.
4. You forget the way she pried open your rib cage. You forget that you don't compare to another version of yourself, and that she'd rather kill you than be compared to you. You forget that she was great and that you are anything but. You forget.
5. You forget that he measured you up and that you fell short. You forget that characters, one hundred and forty of them or less, ruined a friendship. Ruined a relationship borne of passion and a friendly ease. You forget that he betrayed you, because it hurts. You forget.
6. You forget the way she slips out of bed, sometimes. You forget that you have asked her what kind of dreams she's been having, and you get nothing in response. You forget that she's drawn tense around the edges, there to support you but doesn't let you do the same. You want to know what's wrong but she'll never tell, but something is wrong. You just don't know what it is, not yet. You forget.
7. You forget that the Goddess was just a pawn, and that she wasn't anything so holy at all. You forget that she wanted the darkest of things from you, and settle into her warmth and nothing more, nothing less. You remember that she tells you to survive, but forget that she is not perfection embodied. You forget.
8. You forget that she tried to create herself in the styling of an immortal. You forget that she tried to resurrect him repeatedly, the one you don't talk about. You forget that she killed her mortal shell. You forget that she is so desperate not to lose anything that she turns herself into a monster (one that you would willingly follow, if she'd just ask--). You forget that everything is wrong. You forget.
(In the end, it is the only the first thing that matters. The rest remain.)
You walk through the door, heart lighter than it has been in what seems like an eternity.
Acantha laughed, hands on hips as she stared down the door. It'd given her a choice. Forget pain, forget the burdens. But... that seemed silly to her. Least for her. "I don't have enough to forget... without forgetting what little good I've got." Shrugging, the Horsewoman let out a breath. She'd had a rather uneventful life, in the grand scheme.
Her feet padded silently across the floor. The pain set her jaw, eyes tightened. Muscles spasmed. There was certainly a temporary quick-fix if she forgot. Incentive. But she pushed on, shoved her shoulder against the door. Pushed. Crawled through. A little pain only meant she was still alive. She left nothing behind. Acantha treasured what few good memories remained.
Posted: Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:34 pm
The room was empty, but her heart was not.
It was pleasant in here, to Serafina. She felt at peace in a way that the gauntlet they had been running through in the past few days had absolutely not allowed. Though the room was empty, Serafina found a way to lay herself down on the ground, closing her eyes and letting herself drift into what felt like a peaceful nap.
The nap only lasted so long, though, as she began to feel an uneasy feeling take into the room, pressing onto her body and unnerving the peace she had felt. It felt like it was coming from the center of the room, somewhere in front of her, radiating in her direction. Serafina opened an eye, adjusting herself to a sitting position. Where had that door come from? It seemed it was always doors, wasn't it? Doors into one room, doors into another room, more orders, more commands ... It was tiring, and this was peace.
Serafina didn't want any more interruptions into her peace.
The voice actually made Serafina groan, an unpleasant interruption to the peace and quiet--something she rarely drew to herself at all, fond of being around others; she gathered that much as she felt the pressure begin to form around on her body.
Did she want to go back?
Not if this was the alternative. Could Serafina just stay here? Certainly it was lonely, at least in comparison to being with a crowd of people, or any such thing, but ... it was peaceful. This was bliss. There was no anger here. There were none at herself, none at the world, none at those around her, none at her appearance. Everything felt fine, and there was not a singular regret that weighed down on her heart.
But the voice pressed on.
"We can return."
Yeah, and? ... Wait, we? Was the door ... her? Was that why she was so unnerved? She was having a conversation with herself.
That was definitely unnerving, especially as the pain continued to weigh.
"We can return, but you can still choose. We can return, but not as the same. We have been given this gift, the gift of leaving our pain behind. What part of our burden should we discard?"
Burden?
As a ghost ghoul, Serafina knew the burden of forgetting. She had a life before this, and that much she was aware of just by facts of being a ghost. There was so much they forgot after they were reaped, left with emotions that pointed to so little and could not be explained with anything other than deep gut reactions they couldn't control and attachments that they didn't quite understand. For her, it was an attachment to anything she considered her own, a subconscious dislike of anything sharp and a passionate thirst of curiosity she could not ignore.
The curiosity only grew, and she knew it would grow ever stronger if her own memories were taken from her. But would it? She would never know better if it were true, the memories utterly taken away from her.
But Serafina who always yearned for knowledge would never let knowledge be taken from herself. It was nothing that made sense to her. She couldn't justify it. Why would she let any knowledge go?
The pain was searing, but she made the journey, pushing her shoulder hard into the door. It ached throughout her entire body, throbbing deep in her bones, pounding deep in her heart, tumbling her entire head. Her body was shivering with the pain, and her legs nearly gave out from underneath her, almost begging to make her let go, to force her to tear them off and become something with less burden and less struggle...
But never would she do so, pushing through the doorway.
She would never give up anything that mattered so much.
Seiana_ZI
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WE ARE HALLOWEEN Captain
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Posted: Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:43 pm
The journey has ended.
And what a journey it was, full of strange twists and turns. What a journey it was to remember yourself in such a short, limited period of time, to fight against the greatest enemy yourself and to finally come to terms with choice yourself.
Memories. A curse perhaps. The most terrible curse, or the strangest, oddest gift. A burden and an immeasurable power. It was those memories you kept or curse that had saved your very existence. It had saved others. Even if you did not need your memories, others would always treasure them.
It was pale, but now colour flows freely. Rich, not twisted, colour. You see a sky, deepset blue, and in front of you a castle. Not any castle: the most ornate castle you could imagine, white and luxurious and yet almost mythical at the same time. Flags, the emblem of a gold dragon, are raised on all the towers.
A tall figure comes plowing in, their armour clanking noisily against the grass. They are standing next to you on a hill, a hill that has been reduced on one side to a deep black bit of smouldering black. The figure puts away a long, familiar looking sword, and then steps forward to pick up a staff. A charred, black staff glowing a malevolent violet, just dimly. He taps it against the ground a few times, as if to admonish it lightly, before strapping it to his belt.
"Well, I think that's it." The figure puts both arms on his waist and then bows to you, all bits and pieces of those who remained. "I am indebted to your service." He gazes at the staff, which starts glowing, and he flicks it again with the tip of his thumb and index finger under the light subdues a little more and the hissing slows down. A frown. "There will be a time very soon, when perhaps we will meet again, but you have nothing to doubt. As long as there are those with hope, as long as there are those with treasured memories, valuable, important memories, memories that create and define you as heroes, I will be here. Now, let's see-"
He draws his sword again, a magnificent ornate sword and points behind you. There are three gates, a red, an orange, and a blue one. "With that, I return you, all the remaining memories that embody your real selves, back into your worlds. Awaken again from your artificial slumber and embrace your destiny, and your future."
There are three doors waiting for you. You step closer to the portals, and in the distance, if you turn around, you can see the armoured figure wave at you and then slowly make his way towards the castle front gates. As you do, the castle, the sky, the grass all fade away from sight. As you do, you hear voices, just a quick flash, a fragment-
- "As long as there are heroes in this world, I will be here to Protect you."-
- "and as long as there is doubt in this world, there will be Revenge."
An additional solo
DID YOU SACRIFICE MEMORIES IN PART 1 OF THE FINALE?
Please read and respond to this additional prompt below (click on the SPOILER TAG) in your own time. This is just done in your faction's main thread (This is Halloween guild, This is Halloween horsemen subforum, Deus Ex Machina guild). Write it as a single character solo!
It feels weird having a tangible body, heavier than just memories, and it does not help to have memories, sometimes whispers, sometimes just silence, flicker back and forth. You maybe - saved - perhaps - something important - you were a hero maybe -
-- "Who do you think you are?"
A voice whispers to you, and you look around. There is noone around but you.
-- "Look at your shadow."
gaia_crown[ Your shadow is twisted and warped, a mass of your own dissatisfaction and unhappiness ]:
Your shadow solidifies, but it is not your shadow, at least not one you remember. No, the figure is long, longer still with robes, holding a great staff. Their eyes glow an ominous dark red.
"Your have forgotten something. Memories. You have forgotten something in your blind hope that this will somehow make things better. But you cannot escape the truth, the reality. One day, whether you like it or not, the truth will return to you, and you will realize how much wool has been pulled over your eyes. When your heart, your core finally calls out for Revenge, I will be there."
OOC
A lock has manifested in your character's form (you can choose where you want to keep the lock. It smokes a deep black. When your character has regained all their discarded memories (from part 1 of the finale), using the conditions of the above artifact, the lock will finally detach itself, breaking away. The size and shape of the lock depends on the weapon your character carried in the meta (the final weapon). If your weapon was a COMMON weapon, it is the most basic shape. An UNCOMMON weapon has the basic shape and a chain. A RARE weapon has the basic shape, with a few ornate symbols representing the memories you gave away, and several chains around it. - The lock is sealed on a weapon for Hunters - Please write this incident occurring/ receiving the lock in a solo thread!
gaia_crown[ Your shadow is bright, determined and resolute ]:
Your shadow solidifies, but it is not your shadow, at least not one you remember. No, the shadow grows bright, the figure armoured, holding a great, familiar sword.
"Your have forgotten something. Memories. I borrowed those from you and now you have my word I will return them. You are bound perhaps for greatness. Take these memories and become more than you ever were, greater than you can possible imagine. As long as there are still heroes in this world, as long as someone calls for me, for the need to Protect this world, I will be there."
OOC
A lock has manifested in your character's form (you can choose where you want to keep the lock. It glows a gentle blue. When your character has regained all their discarded memories (from part 1 of the finale), using the conditions of the above artifact, the lock will finally detach itself, breaking away. The size and shape of the lock depends on the weapon your character carried in the meta (the final weapon). If your weapon was a COMMON weapon, it is the most basic shape. An UNCOMMON weapon has the basic shape and a chain. A RARE weapon has the basic shape, with a few ornate symbols representing the memories you gave away, and several chains around it. - The lock is sealed on a weapon for Hunters - Please write this incident occurring/ receiving the lock in a solo thread!
gaia_crown[ Your shadow is is dim and ordinary ]:
Your shadow solidifies, but it is not your shadow, at least not one you remember. No, the shadow grows bright, the figure armoured, holding a great, familiar sword.
"Your have forgotten something. Memories. I borrowed those from you and now you have my word I will return them. Take these memories and use remember their blessing. As long as you remember your path as a hero, I will be there."
OOC
A lock has manifested in your character's form (you can choose where you want to keep the lock. When your character has regained all their discarded memories (from part 1 of the finale), using the conditions of the above artifact, the lock will finally detach itself, breaking away. The size and shape of the lock depends on the weapon your character carried in the meta (the final weapon). If your weapon was a COMMON weapon, it is the most basic shape. An UNCOMMON weapon has the basic shape and a chain. A RARE weapon has the basic shape, with a few ornate symbols representing the memories you gave away, and several chains around it. - The lock is sealed on a weapon for Hunters - Please write this incident occurring/ receiving the lock in a solo thread!
OOC: THE END
This marks the OFFICIAL END of the Legacy Metaplot! (storyline mode!)
- Feel free to write any parting thoughts/ interact with other characters before your characters leave!
- All players will have TWO DAYS to fight in the arena for MINIS PRIZES HERE - Also did you make a Heart Log? You can now drop it off for a minis prize too HERE - The deadline for both these events is Tues August 27th at 7:30 PM PST - You will have UNLIMITED TIME to finish all your RPs as necessary and whatever else you want to wrap up! We will be archiving things, but make sure you have everything logged in your Heart Log, so if you need to refer back to anything you can easily! RP points will be coming out on Wed August 28th, so any rps NOT completed at that time will NOT count. It doesn't mean you can't finish up old stuff for fun though! - Need a handy timeline guide with every single important link and update? We only have the handiest in the announcements thread! You can follow from start to finish all the important events going on!
THE END OF A GREAT ADVENTURE
- All characters, as they pass through the portals, return to their actual bodies! That's right, you have been the memories that have been summoned of your characters to fight in this meta battle! Now you return to your rightful places, some whole, some half complete, some entirely missing - If you missed part 1 and part 2 of the finale, please PM WE ARE HALLOWEEN and we will send you a prompt you can work on Solo to help you out
gaia_crown[ Amityville ] As you return the first thing you see of course is the school, the very one you saved! Feel free to ORP for a bit before you make you way. GO HERE.
gaia_crown[ Horsemen ] You return to your clans, and the first thing you see is the Horsemen of Death nodding at you. Just nodding away, just a little bit, before he turns to talk with Medea and Charon. Feel free to ORP for a bit before you make you way. GO HERE
gaia_crown[ Deus ]The first thing you see is that someone blew up a midgets house Feel free to ORP for a bit before you make you way. GO HERE. Wanna see what happened behind the scenes with the Excalibur/ Merlin meltdown? Go here.
gaia_crown[ Quest Characters! ] Your character has returned back to their home, neither Amityville nor horsemen territory but simply the home of Halloween Town! Thank you for rping with us in this event! If your quest character becomes enrolled, they will remember whatever they chose to not forget in this meta as part of their experiences! IF you would prefer your quest character to become a citizen instead of waiting for a student slot, you may do so and have permission to do so here. They will retain those memories as they are!
A MESSAGE FROM THE TiH ADMIN/ FEEDBACK THREAD
- Thank you so much for your participation this meta! You have been an absolutely wonderful, patient and helpful crowd and we can't wait to see all of you back in the main guilds as well. Thank you for making this community as amazing as it is! - We would like to also borrow a bit of your time for some meta feedback if you could! You will get a commemorative meta trophy for doing so!
Posted: Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:47 pm
She squeezed Shun's hand again lightly but heard a squeak from somewhere around them. The voice at least seemed familiar. "Xiu?"
Mitsu supposed she was surprised, maybe she was surprised at herself but she didn't say anything about her current state.
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