Welcome to Gaia! ::

Thank you all, I guess I was kind of panicking there... normally I'd talk to my mother, but his time I didn't feel like it, don't know why. So... it looks like the best thing to do would be to act normal, be ready if he wants to talk and if not, then let him have his space. Emotionally, at least--he's a cuddler wink

I had a "mental health day" with my friends today. Yes...Timmy and Kelley both. I love them both so much, in different ways. Kelley is so open, so bubbly and full of life--she can always bring a smile to my face. Timmy is.... A lot like me. He's hurting so badly--I can see it in his eyes. Even though his voice is flat when he talks about things, I can feel the emotions coursing just beneath, like a strong current beneath the steady waves of the sea.

I'm listening to Corrine Bailey Ray, and I think I'm going to cry. I'm sitting on the couch, laptop atop my lap, and I can smell him, even now. Earlier, I asked--okay, told--him to read some poetry, which he did. He looked at me with that still-on-the-surface-but-moved-beneath look that breaks my heart, and told me that it was beautiful. Not pretty. Not cute. Beautiful.

I can't let myself fall for him. He needs a friend right now, a pillar. Not a lover. So...why do I still tingle from his goodbye-hug? It's like a little warmth, right behind my breast. I can't sigh it out. I don't think I can cry it out this time, and somehow, that makes me feel very...strange.

I know there's something there, just beneath the surface, when our eyes meet, I know and he knows. What is this spark between us--this moment of recognition? This oh-so-strange-but-oh-so-good tension in the air, that little laxness under every syllable.... I don't think it's sexual, but he's getting under my skin. Can't sweat it out, can't bleed it out.

My heart aches so strangely.... My eye swim with tears, yet I dare not cry and reveal their nature. Why me? I wonder. Why him?

What did I do to deserve this purgatory?
~Andrew

EDIT: Tommy! Psst! Check out my signature!

EDIT EDIT: Sorry, Elv, didn't see your post before my last. I'm just glad to help, and I love the cuddlers, too, myself being one.

I refuse to love halfway. I would feel torn between being a guide, a source of strength, and a lover. It would be trying to be two--no, three--different things to the same person. I'm not in the business of not being myself.

I...I don't think I can be around him anymore. He...does something to me. I can't put my finger on it, but...and I know I'm not sounding like myself, but...for once, I'm wondering if this is worth the pain. I just...I don't know.
-LD

EDIT: *gasp* Tommy! *soap opera dread music starts to play* No, she'd never--!

...I just don't want to be the tree he hides under in a thunderstorm. I hope that says everything. It does to me.
-LD

That makes it sound to me that you don't want him to dump all his problems on you. Wouldn't it make you that much closer to him? Or do you not want that?

Can't you see my confusion???

You want to steer clear of anyone strong enough to hold against the wrecking ball? You're scared you might break him? You're scared he might actually make you happy?

Leav, everyone sees themselves as a wrecking ball at one point or another in their life. Everyone gets scared. Everyone thinks they don't deserve happiness.

And I know people who are truly not good to be around. Leav, you aren't one of them. I would have found that out by now. Now you're either going to stop this nonsense right now or you're going to tell me (or us, whatever you prefer) exactly what's wrong.

Come on, Leav. Don't do this to yourself. He might be the one who will actually understand you and be able to flow with you for a bit. Don't let this go without some SERIOUS thought.

Ok, Weed and I went through this tough phase where both of us thought, no, we believed that we didn't believe each other. Me, I was going through sh*t that I can't remember now (give me a break, we've been together for 2 years!), but he finally gave me a smack. (Not literally.)

He said that we've got to realize that we both are deserving of each other or else we'll both be miserable.

I didn't turn around right then, but I eventually did. Sometimes I still wonder what I did to be able to get that cute, amazing man who stands by me through hell...but I know that I wouldn't be happy (or life would have a lot less sunshine) without him.

Drew, everyone deserves happiness. I've hurt others, too. Hasn't it crossed your mind that he might actually have the answes to your problems, and you might have his? For example: You've come completely out of the closet, right??? You can be there for him when he comes out all the way. He's there to read your poetry, and maybe even write some of his own so that you can return the favor.

And as to the handling this in the wrong way--it's healthy to question a little fraction of your life, even if it makes your friends smack you silly because you're losing it. heart

Don't be scared, Brother. I'm here if you need me...and even though we're miles apart...I just feel as if I should give you the biggest hug you've ever gotten in your life.

I'll leave my phone on if you want.

So your basically wallowing in your misery. A lot of people do it, including me, so I'm not being mean, just stating that. People are afraid of the unknown it is perfectly natural, but annoying.