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Justin...you do have family, if only you deign to look for them.

I can't compare to you. I had a family, once. I never had a father who respected me (although steps have been taken). I never had an older sibling who loved me, or a younger one who did anything but harass me. I did have that mother, though. That smile, that hug was so full of love. God, you know...I still here people talking about her.

You would have loved her. I did.

But I lost her.

There was a time, you know, when I wished I had never been born, if it would be easier...easier than to remember all those things now, all inside my heart, with no way out. I found, though, that I would do anything in the world to keep those memories of her pure. Even a single memory of her is worth all the hurt of the whole. That may not make sense, but there it is.

For a while, I was left...motionless. I guess I still am, in a lot of ways. I couldn't do a lot of the things I did before. I couldn't do homework. I couldn't laugh easily. I couldn't cry. For a time, emptiness filled me.

In time, I found my tears. A little study gave me something to cling to, something to hope for. I found faith in a four letter word that some people use as a synonym for God. It gave me the strength to get up and move on.

But I couldn't have, without my friends.

You see, my family splintered with Mama's death. My grandma took to drink, my grandpa to smoke. My brother locked his heart away. My father grew (even more) distant.

I don't think I've ever told this story, at least fully. Did you know that the day before Mama died, the boy I liked called me a f*****t? Within earshot. I was sitting right there, two seats away, at lunch. I was crushed, upset as much by his pettiness as by his obvious refusal. The day I returned to school, I almost didn't sit there at lunch. I did, because I knew my friends were worried. I smiled gently, and most people just...relaxed. I'm really good at that, when I want to be. I was calm--stillness hiding a current. A friend of mine, Tay...she came up to me, ran up to me, and tackle-hugged me, crying. I patted her back, telling her it was okay. In a few moments, she calmed down. I was unsettled--she stirred something inside of me. That moment, later, would give me the strength to find my tears. I sat there, facing the boy who I liked, who called me a f*****t, at a school I loathed, holding a friend, weeping on my shoulder. This may sound crazy, but I wouldn't trade that moment for anything in the world. There was a strange serenity to the moment, to my actions--a beauty I didn't deserve graced that perfect moment, strength and courage, both strangely, wonderfully gentle, were found inside me. And you know what? The most amazing part of the whole thing is when I looked at the boy, and smiled peacefully. That, Justin, is when I found my little forgiving smile. All because of a girl who I had to console, all because of my mother's death.... And I wouldn't change that for anything.

I found a piece of myself in the tears of another, and another piece in the forgiveness of grudges, prejudices, and unrequited desires. I don't ever want to forget how I felt then.... For a moment, a single, shining moment, I knew joy. Joy is what happens when all things come together in goodness, if only for a moment. Joy is what happens when what is meant to be, becomes.

I found other pieces, too. I never lost one, at least, before her passing. You remember "Lover's Memory", right? Do you remember that part, when I looked up at him, and I could have kissed him, but I didn't? I will cherish that moment forever.

We were at a Winter Concert at school. I was honest with him about my sexuality (although back then, I was still telling people I was bi), and about my crush on him. Having expected him to freak out and leave, I was overjoyed when he accepted it--and then was worried that I might not want to be his friend. You see, my honesty, about my nature and my feelings for him, his acceptance, my restraint...it all added up to a perfect, flawless moment. It is one of my dearest treasures.

But...don't you see, Justin: that is how we find ourselves--through others, we grow, and learn more about ourselves. No emotion can come into existence without relation--you cannot hate nothing; at least, no one is born hating nothing. Our circumstances--yours and mine, and everyone else's...these are what shape us. I do not think it is fair for you to say that your existence is somehow "more pure" than mine because you were deprived of parents, anymore than it would be for me to say that because I was not. We are who we are, in part because of our nature, and in part because of our..."nurture", or lack thereof.

In the end, it is my belief that all we can do is be there for one another, and try to be the best person that we can be, accepting our faults and others' as part of living.
*******
You know, Justin.... I should thank you. I got on to rant, and because of your post, I didn't. I hope I didn't offend, or sound preachy. Forgive me if I have, please.

Love and Vale,
-Leavaros Dapple

It's the feeling of the grass is always greener on the otherside. When you think about it though, you wouldn't give up your side for the uncertainty of the other. I imagine how great it might be to not have my parents around, their controling and utterly annoying ways, but then I think how much worse it could be. Like, living in a small house with a father who is addicted to alchohol and a mother who left, or was beaten. So, I'm thankful that my mother is here, even if she is controling and that my dad is home some nights a week, even if he does start quarrels.

Wow that's awesome, I want to take computer arts at the college level, media arts was fun. The spring semester has started already? Our finals aren't for another week.

Yeah, I just started Spring Semester as well... I've got Comp II, Math for the Liberal Arts, Cultural Anthropology and French I. Blegh. At least I don't have any early classes... Anthro doesn't get out 'till 9pm though, that'll be fun.

meh yeah, i have all morning classes MWF: 7-9:20am and MW: 10am-12:20pm, TR: 9-10:50am and 1-3:20pm... i've been up since 6am today... stare

lol, every school requires a gym class, even in college. my first semester when i was just starting I had a US Government and Politics class at 6:30 am... stare after that i decided to change my schedule a bit. only classes i have an interest early in the morning.

I'm just mad about the gym class because they started counting it as part of your average this year. It is my lowest grade and what annoys my even more is that they test you on stuff they never taught you. What other class does that? They have us to a mile test and flexibility test, but they don't have us practice running or teach us stretches. Its like walking into pre calc the first day and them giving you the calculus final, its stupid.