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 Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 4:56 pm
Risth's Reply to Critique [#1]In reply to my first critique, I am writing this response. Feel free to move it wherever it needs to be, if it's in the wrong place. I will also post a copy of this response in both of my quest threads. ^_^ Please also see my write-up of various important points from the crit, as it helped me to organize my thoughts and will be a reference for this post. Point #1 - The "Perfect" SyndromeI was worried this would happen, and it seems in fact that it has. I'm going to look at the biggest aspects of this problem, as outlined in the crit. "So...she's beautiful,"
This one actually surprised me. I think my flowery prose may be at fault. I hadn't actually meant for her to be overly beautiful, more to resemble her mother, as that was an important part of her concept in regards to interactions with her father. Since she sports black hair and bangs, she resmbles many Japanese. I think I really need to edit my physical description and tone it down somewhere, because I wasn't trying to hype her up as beautiful at all. I wanted her to be average in that area, but the way I explained it as I did was to stress how her father inevitably saw his wife in Kikue, etc. At any rate I'll try to rework my physical info, because I wasn't wanting this part of her character to be very important.
"...in perfect control of her emotions..."
In fact...I hadn't wanted that thought to be there either. I tried to make a big deal of the fact that she's "childish" in certain areas, but I know I never really specified what those areas are/were. What I really wanted to go for, was the "emotionally confused" idea. Where she recognizes emotion, feels emotion, but doesn't really get it ( that is, understand it ). On the outside though, she is definitely more quiet, more reserved, much more an observant than a participaNT...all of this is true. When faced with abuse, she says nothing, just takes it, then when it's over, she tries to justify, say, her father's verbal abuse, by saying when mother died it screwed him up. "That's why he's like this." A lot of instances where I've pictued such a thing happening, she would most likely lock herself in her room and play the violin as her outlet, to stop herself from crying, etc. Does this make any sense or am I just rambling? sweatdrop
"...extremely intelligent..."
I can't deny this one...this is true. HOWEVER, again I tried to stress that childish part of her, which may sometimes rule over what her head tells her to do or think.
"...a musical prodigy..."
Yes.
"...and she's abused..."
Yes, mostly verbally by her father. That may change in the face of revision, but I'll have to see.
"...but she manages to not hold it against her father or let it break her?"
Ah ha! A very big obstacle for me when I was formulating her, yes... I think it's more that she struggles to NOT hold it against him, as I mentioned above in reference to control of her emotions. I had honestly considered more breakdown in her character from the abuse, but I didn't want her story turning into a cliche abuse case... I may see to add more but I'll have to look at the other things in the crit first, to tie it together better...
"Mixed with her Japanese decent, I can't help but think "anime character" every time I read about her."
Ugh! UGH! gonk I hadn't intended this at all! Something must be done, and FAST, I definitely don't want this to be the first impression of her.
"But to me its coming across as the opposite. She doesn't have depth of character, at least from the surface of she's described. She's analytical and cold, and seems to have little or no emotions of her own."
I cringe hearing it, but if so, then something, or more than one thing, has to be changed immediately. I didn't want her to be like a giant hunk of ice, with no emotion at all. My intent was more "emotionally conflicted," if there's even such a term. The struggle to overule emotion with rational thought, although it can and will break down with emotion as the winner.
"I wouldn't suggest you would have to really change much of what you already have - but give the girl more personality."
Clearly I have to, or at least flesh out what I may think in a different way, because I know that by reading the crit and thinking of a character as Kikue has been described, I'd simply hate them. And obviously I don't want that, so we may been in for a serious remodeling here.
"She might act as stoic and controlled as you describe her, but is that what's really going on inside her head?"
Often it's not, as the real action is taking place inside, while she watches on the outside. I need to make this more apparent somehow...
Point #2 - Getting to the IslandIsland of Moreau Also, we would need to tweak HOW she got the island and why. You mention several times over that she would be pretty famous for her musical talent. Well, to honest Moreau generally stays away from people who will be missed. Vasile DiRossi had to be "disappeared" as part of a underhanded revenge scheme - why would someone have the need to fake Kikue's death? How would they do it? Would they stage her suicide? Would her father be responsible? . . . Once something could be worked out about how she got the island, Kikue comes rather 'ready made' from a completely rules standpoint. I was VERY happy that you came onto this problem without hesitation. How Kikue gets to the Island is one of the weakest parts of her concept, because I just had no idea how to do it. I very much knew that Moreau would have to do something big, because if Kikue was in the limelight, he wouldn't be able to risk anything that may expose himself. Yes, I definitely saw that when I started writing my ideas out, but I didn't know how to get around it. You offer some REALLY excellent options for me here. The staging of a suicide seems so excellent that I don't think I could resist it. Also, there's the addition of her abuse, which also helps to fit into it. It would be so believable, too, what with a dead mother and an abuse, alcoholic father. *resists the urge to throw up her arms and declare "It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT I tell you! Genius! /cackles/," because that would just be WAY too much what Moreau would think...maybe. ;D I plan to work off of this and then apply for a second critique once I do some major rehaul of her concept. Thank you sooo much for the critique! I'm a bit awkward on how to straighten out everything regarding her seemingly non-existant personality, but I'll see what I can do...thanks again.
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 5:52 pm
Ty-chan Official Critique RequestGaia Username: Ty-chan Character Name: Mia Gabrielle Lobert Serum Animal(s): White Rabbit Quest Thread: http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=2479102I know the biggest problem of this character. I am flexible and can change anything but one thing. And that thing is her blindness. The whole concept is about bringing the sight for the blind. Her being a kid would be just easier for me to roleplay because I would know her mental development stage better. But I can change her age if it bothers too much, just like everything else that seems unfitting. Suggestions? Things I should think still? The idea of playing a little girl is an interesting one, though be prepared to have mixed reactions to it. Some people might find it offensive, others might find it wildly interesting. My biggest problem with the concept is the choice of animal. Rabbit seems kind of random because while their vision is good, they aren't really known for having good vision. In fact, while rabbits can see far distances well, close up they are still virtually blind! Seems kind of odd to me that that would be the first animal to come to mind. I would suggest, personally, a raptor (bird of prey) of some sort, which on a whole are believed to have vision 8x that of a normal human. While some hawks still have trouble seeing close up, most eagles and owls can not only see far away but focus their vision on things close, much like a human would use reading glasses for. Also, many diurnal predatory mammals have good vision. A random fact I learned by researching animal eyesight was that greyhounds have the best eyesight of domesticad dog. ^_^ Thats only a suggestion, of course, but I think a different animal more universally known for having good eyes might be more apt to your character. As for concept/how she got to the island - yes, the blind thing is cool. And makes a lot of sense why Moreau would think she was a good test subject. He's already learned that turning a deaf woman into a fox can regen her hearing, it makes sense he would be interested in turning a girl into an animal to fix her blindness. However HOW she gets to the island needs a bit of tweaking. Mostly, her doctor wouldn't know about the island unless he was getting tested at Feral Labs, which is possible. BUT - they would exactly, erm, ask her parents to send her there. Mostly because, what were they planning to tell them in two weeks when she didn't come back? Or she never called? Or wrote.. do you see where I'm going? They would either have to kidnap her, or fake her death or dissapearance. Maybe the helicopter that was transporting her to the facility "crashed"? (obviously not, but thats what Feral Labs would tell her parents, then perhaps give them a nice settlement. Basically, you need to tie up the loose ends somehow.
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 5:53 pm
Everything looks good so far. The backstory and character seem reasonable. Personally, I think the idea of Edgar being half-black (his father being African-English) would help even more with the Yin and Yang theme you are going for with Ende. But thats just a personal suggestion. The biggest obstacle facing you would be how he would get the island, as Moreau shys away from children on a normal basis (unless for a certain reason, like Ty-chan blind girl). Him getting to the island would generally have to be "accident" or otherwise done something to really pique Moreau's interest. Theres plenty of ways we could work on this (especially if he was transiant/homeless) so please swing back by when you have some ideas so we can bounce them around.
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 7:12 pm
Ty-chan surprised
I'm actually really surprised that the choice of animal seems to be your biggest problem. Because the rabbit idea was given by Hige to me and I really thought that my character's age would be a big problem.
Sure. I can change her serum animal. It's no problem. I'll check out for raptors/predators and decide then what to go for.
And what comes to reason why her parents wouldn't go search for her, I have thought something like this. Her parents would been told that the operation would be risky and that's why her life would be insured. Though, the helicopter crash works too.
Other option I have thought, would be purely accidental way, like plane/ship crash/accident. Though she would be very lucky to survive from something like that. Yet, it could be fun to see what would happen if some of islanders would find her before the lab staff. Would they try to protect her from Moreau and injection?
Though, kidnapping sounds interesting too. I could actually imagine how that would happen.
Either way, I want to say thanks for you pointing out things that need more thinking, your good suggestions and your time. I have to say that I was prepared to get slightly upset but now I'm smiling and very inspired to improve this character so she would be more fitting to the island. Glad it helped. I've heard you've had concerns about the little girl aspect. Again, its a personal decision, just be prepared about having some people not agree with it. Its a grey area, but if you're willing to accept that, more power to you. As for how she got to the island: Quote: Her parents would been told that the operation would be risky and that's why her life would be insured. This actually makes a LOT of sense. Its quiet and discreet, and would leave her parents with closure.
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 7:34 pm
I love the tie in Moreau's past, and it makes a lot of sense. I'm especially fond of Marcus being someone Moreau asked to be staff on the island but then was turned out. Moreau does NOT like being told no, if you haven't noticed! And, awll, he had a crush on Aubrey. Thats sweet...and leads to a lot of good RP oppurtunity. The animal concept is also well done. Owls makes sense, and being Marcus and Moreau were once kind of friends, its not a TOO horrible of choice (as opposed to say, a slug), but still packs a bit of a sting. Bird TFs can be rough. One thing I noticed the thread was lacking was an adequete cover for why this CEO would drop off the face of the earth. So once that's wrapped up you're basically good to go. Just personally, I'd like to see a more fleshed out BG, or some fanfic esque writing of Moreau, Aubrey, and Marcus interacting.
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 8:00 pm
I was actually hesitant to create a child character at first myself too. I'm actually still between child and adult. Both have their good and bad sides.
If I go for the child character, I definately will face critique from some people. But thinking of the physical/mental/social development will be easier because I start thinking them from as early as babies and toddlers and the older Mia is, the more thinking her development stages take. I want that Mia would be in realistic stage of them. Part of me is proud of this concept the way it is now. I mean, this is a good concept for a child character. I have done much work for it. And this is quite big challenge. If I can RP her well, I can be proud of myself.
If I go for the adult character, the welcome of players of other islanders is warmer. Also, some RP options would be available, like romance. But in the same time, I feel that adult Mia would miss something that child Mia has. I can't picture adult Mia so playful or so outspoken or colorful as child Mia would be. She would be more calm as adult, I think. And the development stages would need more thinking. Not only there is childhood but teen age too. And teen age is important. The identity gets reformed then. Of corse, I could make her be greatly behind in her development but wouldn't she resemble Colche too much then?
I'm actually willing to accept either one. Part of me wants to go for the child, part of me wants to go for the adult (for personal reasons also, I'm not feeling pressures by others opinions... or maybe I'm a little, otherwise I wouldn't have seriously re-thought the adult option). Which one seems the best... You staff members can decide (if/when the time comes, this can be left as open area). Or maybe I could create the adult version of Mia, RP her in non-cannon RP threads as child in some threads and as adult in some threads. And then when I have got the feel of both, decide which one feels more right. You know, test the waters a bit. Would that be a good idea?
...
Heh. I think her way to come to island would be settled then. The idea of this "risky operation" came probably from my real life "experience" (I couldn't think better word for this). I have diabetes and I have heard of treatment where you get your ill cells replaced by healthy ones. This treatment is still in it's testing phase so it's not available in public. Mia's treatment could have the similar feel.
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Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 11:57 am
As it stands now, everything seems to be "island ready" with Lucas as far as his character. He reminds me a bit of Cass, but different enough not to be a concern... I just thing they would get along very well. Background and character is believable. How we would have gotten to the island is missing. But of course its good to leave that flexible since many contests require a certain method. But if you need suggestions/have any ideas you can post them here if you want. Otherwise, all looks well. PS - Dholes are cute 4laugh
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Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 12:33 pm
As for her history... hrm. Its certainly interesting, though a bit more over-the-top than most islanders. Though it definately had potential is played well. Does SHE know she's not a "real" princess, or will she have to face the islanders not believing her? How she GOT to the island needs a bit of work, though. For example, Moreau would never, ever talk to her father directly. Moreau own's a whole company called Feral Labs, which is the "legit" side of his business. Now, someone from Feral Labs might have very well been in negotiation with her father. Like with Ty-chans little girl, they probably would have offered to do a "risky surgery" for a large sum of money, and an insurance clause. Iona would have been shipped off to the island, and then Feral Labs would have told her father that she had not survived the surgery. Alternatively, if her health wasn't dire enough where her father would risk such a surgery, then perhaps Feral Labs would request to have her sent to a facility and then there would be an "accident" staged where Iona was "killed." Just some ideas to kick around. Main thing to remember is that Moreau would never have sucha direct line that could be traced back to him.
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Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 12:42 pm
Everything looks fine from this end. Character is developed and history is fleshed out and believable. And how she gets to the island works fine as well. *stamps on "Seal of Approval"* Island ready ye are.
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