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 Posted: Fri May 24, 2013 3:26 pm
Zaurac/ Zaurak is Arabic meaning the Boat which is the alternate name for Tian Yuan Yi first star of the celestial meadow. link
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Posted: Fri May 24, 2013 6:08 pm
Hi Shan!
Firstly, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of the rules against Chinese names, or I would have let you know; if you want to use the same star, she'd be Sailor Zaurac/Zaurak, but if you can find a body with a Chinese name that doesn't have a different Western/Arabic equivalent, as Iris mentioned, you could use that!
I've found: Juewa, Chinese for "Star of China's Fortune"; Nuwa, which is named after a figure in Chinese mythology; Zhang Heng,, Zu Chong-Zhi,Yi Zing, Guo Shou-Jing, and Tsai, all named for Chinese astronomers; Zhuhai, named for a city in China... I'm sure there are more! These are all minor planets/asteroids, not stars, though!
Right now, if you'd like to try and reduce Virtues to three, you could merge "Willing" and "Forgive" into one, a sort of "Trusting" virtue? She places a lot of trust in her friends, and thus is willing to help them out (within limits) and forgive their transgressions?
The powered side looks good to me, other than the name!
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Posted: Sat May 25, 2013 1:43 pm
I appreciate your assistance in finding an alternate name, however too much of her (outfit design, attack visual effects, and head cannon history) derive from the Chinese translation of that star. I have decided to no longer quest for her senshi side as it just won't be the same unless I can find a name that fits. Any other character I was thinking of making I will be more open to changing whatever as they are made from scratch ground up. That said may I get another look over for her civilian side please.
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Posted: Sat May 25, 2013 1:53 pm
I'm sorry you've decided not to go for her Senshi side, but her civ side looks set to go for me! So here, have a trial stamp c:  A GM will be by with any final tweaks or an acceptance soon!
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Posted: Mon Jun 03, 2013 8:21 am
Her new name has been approved so I re posted her senshi side on the front page smile
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Posted: Mon Jun 03, 2013 10:26 am
Yay, glad to see things got worked out!
Some smoothing on her attacks and she'll be ready to go!
I think her Sailor and Super attacks are fine!
However, her Eternal attack reads as very overpowered to me for two reasons - the huge radius and the very long duration. Battles are five minutes, usually; a 60-second duration is pretty long, for that! I'm generally hesitant with anything over 45 seconds, especially attacks that do damage (however slight it is here).
Also, a 12-foor radius, or 24-foot diameter, is huge. I think it's close to or beyond most Princesses, even? I'd actually be most comfortable if that were cut in half; 12-foot diameter or 6-foot radius, or even smaller.
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Posted: Mon Jun 03, 2013 11:04 am
Songstress Kitsune Yay, glad to see things got worked out!
Some smoothing on her attacks and she'll be ready to go!
I think her Sailor and Super attacks are fine!
However, her Eternal attack reads as very overpowered to me for two reasons - the huge radius and the very long duration. Battles are five minutes, usually; a 60-second duration is pretty long, for that! I'm generally hesitant with anything over 45 seconds, especially attacks that do damage (however slight it is here).
Also, a 12-foor radius, or 24-foot diameter, is huge. I think it's close to or beyond most Princesses, even? I'd actually be most comfortable if that were cut in half; 12-foot diameter or 6-foot radius, or even smaller. I derped and put radius instead of diameter. I will also change the duration, it makes sense just so long as the time is divisible by 5 and 3 I'm good I'll make those changes. Edit: Question would it be ok to do 13' diameter so it matches the 6.6' reach of her original attack?
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Posted: Mon Jun 03, 2013 11:29 am
Given the distance of her basic attack, yes, I think a 13' diameter would be fine! (And it's oddly cute that the radius of her Eternal matches the range of her basic :'D <33 )
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Posted: Mon Jun 03, 2013 12:08 pm
Songstress Kitsune Given the distance of her basic attack, yes, I think a 13' diameter would be fine! (And it's oddly cute that the radius of her Eternal matches the range of her basic :'D <33 ) Yay thank you, I'll make that change then. Is there anything else you see that might pose a problem?
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Posted: Mon Jun 03, 2013 12:17 pm
Ah, one thing - you mention WASDspacebar for movement - I'm assuming this is how you run/walk/jump in WoW? /does not play BUT OTHER PC GAMES SO
In the attack description, it should instead say run/walk/jump/etc! Since characters in Moonshop don't WASDspacebar to move |D
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Posted: Mon Jun 03, 2013 12:28 pm
Songstress Kitsune Ah, one thing - you mention WASDspacebar for movement - I'm assuming this is how you run/walk/jump in WoW? /does not play BUT OTHER PC GAMES SO
In the attack description, it should instead say run/walk/jump/etc! Since characters in Moonshop don't WASDspacebar to move |D Lol yeah it's how you move in MMO's I was just tired when I wrote that xD
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Posted: Mon Jun 03, 2013 6:03 pm
Alright, changes look good to me c:
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Posted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 10:10 am
Hey, Shan!
The civilian portion of this looks awesome! The only thing I think might need to be looked at is the powered side. The name and sphere are fine, though I think the attacks might be a little too close to some of the other senshi in the shop. Electric spheres and attacks can be difficult because in addition to Jupiter, there are Sailor Argo Navis and Sailor Herse who have attacks which are similar to the ones you have written. Sailor Herse, specifically, was originally a quest for static, so in reading through I am a little concerned that the attacks might be too similar to one another. Static electricity is caused by friction, and Sailor Sìdòuèr seems to throw electricity. To properly represent this sphere, I think her attack might require her to do something like "She shuffles a few steps to conduct static electricity and then throws it", however the way the attacks are written now are really detailed and have way too many different scenarios. An attack should be easily and quickly read so that your roleplay partner has an idea what the attack does and can properly respond. Between her Basic and Super attacks, only two things should really be getting stronger (maybe a larger radius, stronger powers, more targets—any combination of the two can work with reason).
I think her super attack is written and while you take great effort to describe the attack, it winds up being a little too specific. I think this might read better if you simplified it a bit (maybe instead of going into so much detail on how the current passes, you could just say that the chain will hit up to three targets within the eight foot radius and remove the percentage damage—so it could do the same damage per person without you or anyone else trying to calculate how much damage should be taken.
For her eternal, I think of a plasma ball! There is still the little bit of an issue with the electricity, where it doesn't seem like static really ties in (It would be better if, for the duration of her attack she had to shuffle around or something to keep the static electricity flowing—or just have some real tie in to static electricity rather than just pure electricity). There is a lot going on in this attack, but it seems fine! The only thing I would want to clarify is, you say shock is "not quite the intensity of her Sailor Scout attack Static Shock. " How much damage should they be taking during this? Is it enough to numb or just make their skin tingle? And what if they get hit for the full forty five seconds—assuming someone ran around within the 13 foot diameter for the whole time, what is the maximum damage they might feel?
The final thing that stuck out to me; I understand the Kirin is important to the character design and the original OC you had, but as it stands I cannot justify why the Kirin needs to be there—even for a visual flourish to the attack. When I think of static electricity, a Kirin is very far from my mind and I worry that including it might encroach too much on the sphere of Kirin should anyone choose to quest for it. For this reason, I am wondering if, since the Kirin is so important to you, would you rather quest for Kirin (and tweak the attacks a bit) or remove the visual aid of a Kirin from the attack? (Would you be all right if someone was questing for Kirin and wanted to summon a magical Kirin in their attack?). If you have an argument for why the Kirin is necessary/important to the static electricity attack then I could be convinced!
I know I've left you a large wall of text, so I apologize! If you have any questions or comments (or make any changes!) you can either shoot me a PM to go over things or quote me here and I'll be back asap!!
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Posted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 1:04 pm
Hi Kyu, Thank you for taking the time to look through my app. I'm really glad you like her civilian side! I can promise you though I haven't read anything on Sailor Argo Navis though Sailor Herse was brought up to me back on page one. Would something like rubbing her gloved hands together work for creating static? The way I was thinking when writing the attacks was better to be too specific and be asked to narrow it down then to be too vague and asked to elaborate. Super Attack : I would like for this attack to increase the number of targets, I can take away the diminishing effect but I don't want to have the shock get stronger than the senshi attack, in my opinion the static shouldn't be strong enough to paralyze a person unless she's zapping the crap out of someone in the same spot with every attack. At most a tingly numb feeling like a limb went to asleep is what I was going for (Like when you sit on your foot then try to get up) I hope that makes sense. Eternal: The attack made more sense in my head. Let me try to explain where I was going with it and maybe you might be able to help me word it so it makes sense. The discharge isn't static itself. It's like... Pre static when you rub a balloon on your hair and your hair stands up, or before a lightening storm where you can 'feel the electricity in the air' or if you wear socks and shuffle your feet across the carpet and your arm hairs stand on ends. At which point movement would be the cause for the shocks, it might be simpler to keep the same intensity as her first attack to keep with everything being the same. The small zaps are like being snapped with a normal size rubber band (not a file folder rubber band those hurt like ... well they hurt a lot) just annoying as hell. As for shocks it would be like 1-2 shock would be like numb / tingly foot yes you can keep going but you might roll an ankle if you're not careful. 3-5 shocks would be like numb/tingly knee where your knee down has that sensation. 6+ your limb is probably asleep from the hip down (using leg as an example). I'm open to deviate from this but this was my train of thought. Kirin: For me initially kirin was important to me because this is a pre existing OC of mine that I'm trying to make work within the rules and parameters of the shop. But since changing her name it's a way to keep with the theme and tie her senshi attacks into her home/ constellation. Sìdòuèr is the second star of the Qilin/ Kirin constellation. To be honest I would be ok if someone used kirin as a sphere especially if they are a part of the kirin constellation as well so long as it was tied to a different element and falls within your rules. Thank you for your time, Shan
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Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 12:58 pm
Thanks so much for clarification on this sort of thing! I know we talked over PMs, so I want to thank you again for being so wonderful to work with and I wish you the best of luck on getting her!
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