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Regret is the emotional equivalent to pain--its only purpose is to tell us what we've done wrong, where we've done wrong. But sometimes, we must endure regret stoically, akin to the endurance of pain, stone-faced and grim.

Eventually, as with all wounds that are amendable, that regret fades like the pain. There may be a scar--and scars have a funny way of twinging in all the wrong places at all the wrong times, reminding us of unfortunate failures.

Yet, the best route is that of the tree. We keep the lesson close to our heart, and forgive the incident. New flesh can replace the old scar, if the right balms are given, or at least minimize it. Wisdom, intelligence, kindness, inner strength, warmth, generosity, joy, the allowance of sorrow and anger and worry and fear, and the strength and patience and courage and good humor to overcome these things, the acceptance and forgiveness of self and others, that eternal hope, and above all else, sweet, wondrous Love--these are the balms of the spirit. And like the tree, rooted into the earth, we raise new limbs to the sky, not begrudging the pains of yesterday, and not anticipating the pains of tomorrow, but taking joy in the day and cherishing each moment we have and have had and daring to hope for the future.

At least, so I believe.
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And with David...I think I understand now. Just a little better, what I must do. Baka's thread helped me some--maybe opened my eyes a little. The time for ambiguity is done, and I will not lie to him. But I have yet to decide if I am to broach the subject. I have the strength, and the courage, there can be no doubting that. Not anymore. And I have reason to defend my stance. (Not to mention passion.) But do I have right? Who am I to burden him with my feelings? Would he want to know?

But isn't that really beside the point? He deserves to know, he has a right to know, and no one is entitled to ignorance, and no one is entitled to keep anyone else in ignorance to things that directly concern them. Not even me. Not even in self-defense. Not even if I get hurt. I refuse to lie to him, I refuse to talk to him without meeting his eyes, openly and honestly.

I know that I might get hurt. I know that he might get hurt. But that is the chance we take with human interaction--with all interaction. The gardener knows that in holding the rose he chances the thorn. But the rose is worth the little jabs for all its beauty and charm. And no gloves are humanproof. And I wouldn't want them to be--its skin to skin with me, always and forever.

If he takes it poorly, well then that's his problem to deal with. Really, it is our problem. I hold the cards, and I'm tired of coyness and subtlety and deceit and opinion. Even if this course of action is wrong, I will follow it to its end. Maybe learn a new lesson. Like trickery, or deceit.
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Oh, and if you don't hear from me for a few days, assume I'm dead. I don't believe in cut flowers, and I want a mangrove tree planted over my grave. The reception will have punch, probably, and certainly ice cream and cookie cake. That always was my favorite. Oh, and pumpkin pie. Maybe raspberry mousse. And smoothies, for the health conscious. Cry if you must, but don't wail--you'll wake the neighbors, and they've been in a sound sleep since Augustus was emperor and togas were in style. If you're going to bring flowers, well then bring the whole damn plant. Orchids will do fine here--they are hardy plants, for all their beauty--but don't bother with roses. Too troublesome.

Love and Vale!
~Leavaros/Valens/Masq

That sucks that you didn't get to talk to him. I hope you get to soon. Good luck. 3nodding

I talked to him today. I explained what was going on and everything and.... I'm really glad I told him. I think this will make things a little easier from now on. For once, I did something right. Shock of shocks.

Thanks for your input, everyone. Epiphanies have this effect on me--forgive me for being to the point, okay?
-LD

Better than expected. He didn't freak out or anything. In fact, he was really cool about it. I don't really think he gets it, because he thinks that when I said "I like you", I meant "You're cute". While that tidbit might be true, it goes a lot farther than that. *sigh* I think what really decided him was when I told him about my promise to Mama....

You know...by the end of it, it wasn't even about me liking him. It was about being honest to someone I care about in regards to my feelings for them--and how they would react to that honesty. In both respects, I am extremely pleased.

Really, I think that that honesty and open affection goes beyond gay and straight. I think that my respect for him and my admiration for him demanded that I be true to those feelings that had become a part of our relationship. Honestly, it might have been his body that got my attention, but it was his friendly attitude and helpful spirit that won me over. I hope that one day, he'll understand that.

And while I was on a roll, I confessed my feelings to Taylor, a close friend of mine who has always been there for me. I told her I was so glad that we were friends--which resulted in multiple hugs, a ten-minute conversation, and promises to keep emailing one another. And to Henson, my Heart-Father and Latin teacher, who I have unfortunately become more distant from, that he is perhaps the most intelligent, wonderful person I know. And to Haylie, my perfect, beautiful Haylie, my brilliant and wonderful and kind Haylie, my undying affection and sincerest wishes for luck in the race for Homecoming Queen. She deserves it most of all.

But for today, enough ground has been covered. I think it's okay now to rest knowing that I have so many friends guarding my back. I'm the luckiest guy in the world: tonight, the whole world is full of wonder and love and friends closer than family, and the warmth of open affection and honest admiration.

What do you think? All of this has left me warm and fuzzy inside, tingly and cool on the outside, and I can't help but smile at the thought: it's been a great day.

Love and Vale,
~Leavaros Dapple

I don't know about that, but it's kind of you to say....



I have to say that when you said that, I laughed. You guys face a lot of adversity, too--I'm surprised my story moved you so.
-LD

As are all good men.
-LD