Welcome to Gaia! ::

::At first, she felt slightly unsettled. Or she thought she did at least. Something did not seem as it should have been. Smells, sounds, they were all different from what she was accustomed to. Of course, it could all be just a piece of a dream left over from the night. It seemed that even with the sun glaring down on her through an open window, more often than not the sounds and sights she heard with her eyes tightly shut were all in her head. Damned be a good imagination when it did nothing to serve you and everything to make you seem crazy to the general populous.

Oh well, in the end it didn't matter much anyways. Those who knew her thought she was a few shy of a water color set and as people got to know her so did they as well. On the brighter side of things it gave her license to perhaps be a little off balanced at the time of her choosing. The art of magic was a bitter and possessive bedmate. For years it had kept her from most of the things she had loved in order to hone the spark of skill she possessed. Being free with so much time presently, was enough to drive one mad...

For a moment, just a singular speck in time, Ceanne toyed with the idea that perhaps Aniur lived through her reckless outbursts in some vicarious fashion. Perhaps that's why they became such good friends. Aniur held the respect she would never fully attain while she had a very beautiful freedom about her. Quickly though, like many other solid thoughts, it left her in a flourish, replaced by any number of notions that happen to catch her fancy as she lay on the hard, straw stuffed mattress she had collapsed on the night before.

Slowly she opened her eyes and was greeted with a set of rather perturbed blue ones gazing back at her. Apparently this was not home and she was not going to be getting any more sleep for the day. Closing one eye, she shields the other from the sun with a hand over her brow and gives her old friend a lopsided smile.::

“So I hear you want me to train some underlings. Do I get to keep one as a pet to experiment on?”

::Sitting up, she looks around then gives a small stretch as she pulls the blankets up around her shoulders to keep warm.::

"And just exactly how long have you been standing there, oh stoic one?"

You Will Never Be A Man

You know, I have been meaning to grade this thing for damn near two weeks now. Yet every time I come to it, I just sit and stare at this massive block of text and end up thinking to myself "oh ******** it" and wander off to do something else. XD

First lesson of this post, separate your paragraphs.

When you change in the flow of a set of ideas, you need to remember to press that enter key in order to give each idea its own space. I've actually been scared to check out the part of the book you sent me because I don't really relish reading through a huge block of text. No one does. So for your next post, I really want you to focus on that while trying to maintain what you've come so far in.



You made a few simple mistakes I know are below you here. "It" of course isn't capitalized, but also you tried really hard to string together three parts of a sentence without "and". I would have dropped that second comma and just put and there. I would also like to point out that "it hits him" is a bit vague. It would have been better as "the thought hit him". Otherwise we might as well just assume it was an apple that jarred his memory. D: Luckily I know the truth!



Quick note on this one. Make sure to say that his legs start to "become" sore. Sore itself isn't a verb and thus should not be used as such. It is a condition and needs to be accompanied by a conditional verb. :3 The conjugation of "be" works well here.



In this sentence, it's an interesting bit of text you have boiling here, but you fail on the execution. Got is the past tense of get. You should have been using "get" for starters because that is the tense you choose to work in. There is a mashing of tenses here. You also seem to do the same thing you did in the first sentence, trying to push three pieces of a sentence together. This time is a bit different though. The action is on the end. Here you could have changed "curls" to "curling" and kept the comma or you could have done what I suggested above with dropping the comma and adding "and". I really appreciate what you were attempting here though. You are putting more effort in switching up how you create you sentences and it's showing quite well. Continue with this, but make sure not to push too hard to create sentences without the use of "and". You need to have a good mix of sentences, both long, short and including "and" to keep your readers hooked.

There aren't any other big issues to be addressed this post. It was a good one. Here you showed the invention of an ability that perhaps came out of simple experimentation rather than necessity. That is very rare, but very comical too as well. It makes for a good bit of writing even if your sentences are still a bit loose. We will continue to work on that.
:3

A loud boom caused Liran to stop suddenly. He looked around. Are they training already? It's still early in the morning. Liran walked towards where the boom came from, he believes it is the training grounds. Quickly he arrives at the grounds where their training will later take place. A sword was stuck fast deep in the ground. Whoever did that isn't mortal. Maybe there's still a trace of magic, if that was what was used. Quickly he crossed his legs Indian style and concentrated. Time to leave the physical. Liran thought with a smirk across his face. Soon he felt nothing. Then slowly he felt vibes coming from all sides, but the strongest and closest was a slightly dark vibe emanating where the sword is supposedly is. A small piece of magic floated around him, and he noticed several other ones moving as well. Liran snapped out of it as a loud boom rang in his ears. Man something broke my concentration. What were those small things? They seemed harmless though. I should go eat. The thought quickly left his mind and memory as quickly as it came. He rose to his feet, and took off towards the hall before he was considered late.

Not a bad post, it's much better than your others. You're still a bit more serious than I'd like to see when dealing with that character of yours, but because you seem to feel that is the way to handle him, continue on. I hope that with some work he becomes more rounded. Now for the corrections. Looks just like some small things this time around, good.



Reading through your post, I noticed you did this a couple of times. Remember to add in a comma to separate actions.



Note the comma is right after the first action. You need that pause in there which could have either been filled by the comma I placed or an "and" along with some creative sentence rearranging. You seem to get it most of the time, but every now and then you miss it.




No comma was needed here, you're not just noticing the practice dummy by itself, but everything as a whole. At least you should be because you are only noting one characteristic. I wonder how it should look like you though when you have never met that other character...



Of course, I took some creative liberty like I normally do in order to make a sentence flow in a way I see fit. There are many ways of course that this can be accomplished, but I work in my own way just as you and everyone else does in their own. :3



No pause needed here, thus no comma. Small note: elf should be elven. Elf is a race, elven is the verb describing someone of that race.



There should be a comma after the phrase "unbeknown to him". The last part of this sentence is repetitive. You don't need it. You're just restating over that you were omg epic and you sliced the damn apple up and it didn't hit you. That and the whole eating the dirt apple...
<<
I WON'T LET THAT GO!

Otherwise, it's pretty good.

+1 rank

The raven haired man took long strides towards his target, footsteps echoing hollowly through the stone halls.
"What's this?", another voice spoke inside his head, finally awakening from his armored appendage. "The little bird need nourishment? Go slaughter one of these fools and feast on their flesh!"
Deugaro chose to ignore the voice like many times before, his facial expression calm.
"Hmmm? Not going to listen to me Phoenican? The silent treatment doesn't work you know.", it informed scathingly, understanding just how to torture its host. "Isn't it funny though? I have more control than you do and this is your body!... or is it! HAHAHAHAHA!"

The assassin still strode forward, refusing to give in to his game of wits and possibilities.
'There is the kitchen, now where is the...', his thought was cut short at the sight of fresh bread cooling on a baking board.
The current cook gave him a look over his shoulder and a glare that said:

I'll shove this ladle where the sun don't shine if you even breathe on that bread.

After seeing him return to work he swiftly cocked his right leg and unsheathed his boot knife, flipped over the bread and began cutting out a hand sized square in the bottom.
'So far three seconds two cuts... done.', he wiped all the crumbs into his hand, shoved them into his pocket, flipped the bread back into its original position and silently slipped away as the other cooks began filing into the room.
As soon as he was in the clear he sheathed his knife and broke off a piece of his breakfast poking the bread piece into his mouth and chewing it slowly.
"What! That's it!", the voice yelled in a hoarse voice, the sheer volume of his mental yell causing the Phoenician to wince. "All that trouble for a lousy piece of bread! No wonder you can never save her!"

That was the most dangerous thing to say to the assassin. The pain that lingered and rekindled every time he failed his promise was devastating, more so when she would make him take another promise of "living".

The repeated failures, the constant pain, the opaque world around him, the numbness, and for the icing on the cake he had these... demons haunting him and criticising his every action with scathing remarks and scaring taunts. It was more than enough reason to be a little irritable.

"Be silent and never speak of her again!", the enraged low pitched growl reverberated off the walls, followed by a dull crash as his talon smashed into stone surface with brutal force, dusting the abbey wall and exhausting the Phoenican greatly.
"...Do not speak unless spoken to.", Deugaro whispered.
Using the wall as leverage he pushed himself upright and walked, albeit unsteadily, back outside. The frightened stares he received were ignored as he silently thanked whatever good fortune he had, for he had cowed his antagonist.
During his walk, a shiver ran through his gauntlet again. There was only one other left in his gauntlet that actually possessed a mind and personality... he was looking forward to her awakening.

After regaining total control over his mind and body, he fell back into his well worn rut of existing quietly. It was oft at times like these he would shift the way he ended his steps as to give them a different sound. At times the quiet man would completely silence his footfalls, sneaking up upon occupants of the abbey and spooking them with an exceptionally loud stomp.
A thought had struck him on the way out.
What to call this newest voice?
A glance at his breakfast revealed a suitable name.

'I am going to give a name to you that I think is extremely fitting.', Deugaro stated mentally after a small bit of thinking.
"Humor me Red."
'Pita.'
There was a mental pause as the voice attempted to process this information.
"You dirty... honestly a piece of bread!?"
'You are obnoxious to the point of puffing yourself up, you managed to scoop out any and all my irritation and it makes for a decent abbreviation for what you are.'
"And what would that be?", Pita sneered.
'Pain in the a-'
"I get it.", Pita interrupted before diving back into his prison of metal haughtily.

The female spirit that resided in his metal talon was lively and... spirited. Her carefree nature a welcome exchange to Pita and the madman. A smooth sense of something unraveling shocked his nerves, setting them into the correct setting for a normal human. There way a nice breeze today.

The strange man was begining to long for her squeaky voice to resonate inside his head.
He strode back to his planted greatsword and took a seat next to the training grounds, casting a glance at the white clothed man, the discarded apple core and smashed similar looking pile.
Deugaro turned away and towards the abbey to watch the hustle and bustle of morning life...
Also to keep an eye out for whomever was expecting that bread.

(Hmmm, this came out kinda chunky no matter how hard I tried. Blast it all.)

You Will Never Be A Man

This my dear was a wonderful post. You had just about a perfect post up until the end where things seem to have gotten a bit dicey. Otherwise though, great job. The post is a good length, it's very interesting, and the guy's accent reminds me of Fargo. XD Which by the way is an awesome movie everyone should see at least once.

The problems are contained here. You did fairly well, but it just seems this last part got away from you.



The following is how this piece should have been dealt with:



As you can see, not much of a change really. Again, great job. You deserve a gold star. If you hadn't had that last little bit, I would have bumped you to graduated, being that your character is very well fleshed out already. :3
Give me another one or two good posts and we'll see where the chips land.