Welcome to Gaia! ::

Kuri awoke the following morning to the beautiful sound of birds singing their morning chorus, and to a stream of sunlight falling through a gap in her tent opening. Standing and pushing open the tent, Kuri raised a hand to shield her eyes against the morning sun. It was a surreal morning, the sunlight falling through the trees above to create a myriad of ever-changing patterns on the ground. As she made her way to the small, rippling stream nearby the wind rustled the leaves upon the ground, teasing them into shapes as if to tell a story.

"I hope I find the Garden Shrine today" Kuri sighed, splashing the clean water onto her face. Large, wistful eyes gazed back at her out of the water, seeming to linger there long after the sound of girls footsteps had faded away.

What a neat character. She's absolutely interestingly. Well, that and I've always loved the name Jinx. It's colorful and has emotion attached to it from the get to, causing people to quickly to have a base reaction and start forming opinions. :3

This was a very good start. Though I have to question, she seems to know her way around the abbey pretty well, did she stake it out before entering? Why is she just there? Everyone else journeyed far and wide to search it out, or they just stumbled across it. So what exactly is your character's story in that respect?

Just some things to think about.

As for actual corrections, there aren't too many to speak of.



The word 'with' is the problem here. It does several things that I don't think you mean to do. First is it spurs the sentence on. There's no finality to it. It sounds like there should be something after the statement of the boots being part of the outfit.

Second it also makes it sound like your clothes are all connected in some fashion (think of let's say, footy pajamas XD ). That is definitely not the case here. There are two easy ways we can fix this though:



or



You could have either added a little note at the end saying the boots were the last thing she was wearing or you could have changed 'with' to 'and'. It's not a huge deal, but the way you write a sentence, changing even a single word can change the whole meaning of it. Hopefully if you read your original sentence a few times, you'll understand what I'm getting at.

Here:


You could have split the sentence up. It's a good set of thoughts, but you run with it too far and I think they would better server you if you split it into two. First you can state that the dummies are painted, then talk about how they all looked different and the one dummy in particular:



Last few notes for you. Don't start two sentences in a row with the same word. It makes your writing boring and it's bad form. What you can instead is move your verb over and make it progressive by adding 'ing' to the end of it.
Example:


This little trick does very little damage to your original work yet gives you more room to breath.
Well, very good. I liked the opening even if there were some details missing, good job. Any questions, comments, whining, post it with your next paragraphs. :3

rank assigned

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Dragon egg omelets for everyone!
Now that I have your attention, corrections!
The first sentence right off the bat, you kinda go ten different ways. Always double check the tense you are working in. The first sentence should have gone either of two ways depending on what you decided:

or


Let's see, you made a bit of a mess with that second sentence, and you were doing so good. = @ @ = Pay very close attention to your work. Scrutinize every sentence one by one to make sure that it's up to standards.

To:


Remember to not use the same words over and over again. I know you like 'awoke', but it's not the end all word for waking up.
Other issues:
-You don't need to say "wobbles a little" then "burns a little". It would have been just fine if you had taken that second "a little" out. We don't want you becoming repetitive and monotone.
-You also seem to be doing that unattached verb thing again. "Looks" should have been "looking". Your character was in the act of looking down.
-Same thing with 'turns'. It should have at the very least been 'he turns'.
-Yet again, same thing with a 'chuckles' that should have been 'chuckling'.


Otherwise, eh, I can't really say it's your best work. Make sure to look over your post before submitting it and if you do submit it, then find something glaringly wrong, change it before I have a chance to correct.

Hopefully your next post will be a bit better.
Slow down, take your time.

(OOC: Alright, this is a bad post. I am sooo not doing first person again. I should have gone with my original idea anyway.)

It was morning; I could tell. I'm not sure if it was the way the wind blew the grass or if it was the trail of ants that climbed over my left shin, but I could tell. Later I would think that it may have been the smells of morning dew and blooming flowers, but it probably wasn't. No, there was something else that told me the hour that day, but what it was escapes me. All I remember is how I awoke: with a blinding light slowly searing away my eyelids.

“Crap!” I yelled as I leapt away from Dream.

Throwing the b*****d off like a cowl covered in maggots, I fought to regain my sanity. Quickly though I realized, as I looked about frantically for any trace of rigidity about my chaotic history, that I had none. It wasn't that I had lost it, or that it had simply up and left one day, but rather that I had traded it, consciously and with only the slightest reserve, for all the powers I held. It had been worth it at the time—for what is sanity but the ability to believe what others tell you—and looking about the courtyard, I quickly reaffirmed its value.

Hefting myself from the ground, I brushed the night's contagions off me. Bugs from the folds in my clothing as one or two mushrooms sprouted from my hand. Green and sort of gooey, I could feel as their roots delved into the folds of my skin, attempting to wrest vital nutrients. Unhand you miscreant, I thought as I muttered an arcane word to burn them off with. The flames seared my skin, leaving behind a pair of black, burnt piles in my palm. I licked the ashes off my palm and then, smacking my lips, decided that I would be dead in three hours from the act. Therefore, I had to work quickly.

Turning fully around, I sprinted off. As I did memories of two separate lives began racing through my mind. One moment I was three, being crushed by a large tome I had found in my father's study. The next I was five, being taught how to wield a sword on a lifeless plateau high in the mountains. Soon after I was seven, visiting Arkham Asylum with my fellow classmate to go and see his psychotic father. Following that I was sixteen ,with a beautiful, tanned bride and three little warriors to call my own. My subconscious mind tried desperately to reconcile the two lifetimes.

Working like master seamsters my egos and my id ran lines of reason through the intervening moments of my lives. As moments passed, the reasons went, poking through one moment and into another, slowly drawing the lives together. Finally, after several minutes of jogging to nowhere in particular, the process was complete. At that moment, I suddenly knew exactly who I was. In either reality, I was Deus Est Mort. It just so happened that in one reality I was an old warlock who hated humanity and was adept at the arcane arts, while in the other I was a sword-wielding warrior with a loving family and ties in the tribe. It all made sense! It was also very gratifying.

Judging from the amount of sadism I was experiencing and the great power rush I was getting from my new body, it was obvious that the warlock's mentality was still in charge. Even so, I made an effort to check. I asked myself if I still hated Humanity and wanted to destroy it in all its forms. The answer was yes. I asked myself if I still liked racquetball and if I remembered how to summon a powerful Lich. Both answers were yes. Taking that into consideration, I decided that everything was alright and that it was thus about the time to get some breakfast. Looking about me, I discovered that the Abbey was the other way around and so I decided to head that way.

Rather quickly, I found a man. Not really an average man, considering his dress and his scar, he irked me. It wasn't that he was particularly menacing or overly nice or any of the other things that usually irked me, but rather that he was regretful. Now, I normally wouldn't take any notice of such a thing, for regret is so low on my emotional totem poll that it is as good as non-existent, but I still felt that something needed to be done about his regret. I therefore decided to come up with a plan.

Mumbling to myself while he continued to be somber and presumably whine to himself, I eventually hit upon an idea. Chanting some words of an illicit nature, I cast a basic hazing spell upon the man so he wouldn't think anything was amiss. Then, raising my hand up, I recited a few words. In reaction, the air about my hand grew green and solid and curled itself into a ball. After a few moments, it had grown to resemble in all ways but taste, an apple. Rolling it in my hand, I decided to take advantage of my youthful state and thus curled my arm back and threw the fruit full force at the man's overtly emotional head.

If the spell had worked and my aim was as good as I thought it was, it should have caught him smartly about the left temple.

You Will Never Be A Man

As Aurak wanders throughout the Abbey, It hits him, he realizes where he was supposed to be. OH DRACK! I need to be at the training grounds! He follows the path that he took earlier that got him to the section of the abbey before the dining hall. Rushing through, his legs start to sore a little again. Wincing from the pain, he carries on his race through the abbey. As he rushes down the hall, a cook with a wheeled trolley of food comes out in front of him. Oh God! Looking to the ceiling a little, seeing that it was high enough for him to leap over the chef's trolly. OK! All is well then! He pushed on. When he got about five feet from the trolly, he leaps into the air, Curls into a ball. Bringing his tail into his mouth, the taste was quite odd, like dragon scales and dirt basically. Seeing as how he is eating his own tail, literally, made him realize that he can perform a newly created move he made with a special ability he has. As Aurak flew in a ball above the trolley, the chef watched in astonishment as to see what the Dragon'll do next, keeping his food from being scattered in the process. Oborous Retsu! He bears his teeth which are clamped gently on his tail, blue fire emits from between his teeth and covers his entire ball-like body posture, soon Ice starts to cover his entire body and grows in thickness. Soon the ice is about six inches thick and now is the shape of a sphere. He SLAMS onto the floor, leaving behind a dent in the wooden floorboards. Oops, I may have some explaining to do later on... The chef, watching all this unfold, he sighs of releif knowing that now his food is safe from being trampled on and continues his work. Now unable to control where he goes, at the mercy of the abbey, Aurak rolls freely around in the halls of the Shrine. Bouncing off the walls and following corners, all he can do is just to keep himself moving as a sphere. Soon enough though, he feels heat on the upper half of the sphere, he is outside finally. He dispells the ice and lies on his back in the grass, Panting hard like he ran around the Abbey the night before. Whew, that was close... Sits up in his spot and sees the training grounds in front of himself, he staggers to his feet and walks into the grounds.

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Sometimes, it's not you guys that need the break. Think about it. I'm correcting upwards of 10 posts and then writing two of my own while also having to cook, clean, do laundry and find some sort of little time to spend on myself. D: Sometimes kittah needs a break too.

Haste, good use of a word. You don't see it as much as you should. :3
D:
NO COMMA BEFORE "AND"! It's a double pause which if you were speaking, would make you sound a bit slow if you catch my drift. =>>= There's just no need for it, yet all of you insist on continuing to make me pull my hair out. D: Why for you hate the kittah? She just want's the best for you. Anyways, moving on.
Here you have two different actions in one sentence. That comma you put in front of the and in the sentence before should have gone here between "doors" and "he". Or you could have taken the "and" out of the other sentence and stuck it in the same place. It was your choice. Putting them both in one sentence thougha and leaving them out of the next is a no no though.


Again, no comma is needed before "and". It's a double pause. Unless you learn this tiny little thing, I cannot in good consious pass you on.

Good catch on the verbal though. You are allowed to use the same word in a row to start a sentence. Rule of Thumb: You can speak how you write, but normally you don't write how you speak. This is unless you are actually doing a bit of dialouge, then it's allowed to break some of the rules.

I like the way you state this:


but you could have made it one, flowing sentence. I would have liked to have seen you cut the period out and changed "returned" to "returning", making the segway back into present a bit smoother.

The last two sentences of your post should be spliced into one sentence as well, otherwise, it's okay. It's hard to see you guys make the same mistakes over and over again, but eventually you'll remember and on that day I'll be very proud of you.