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 Posted: Thu Oct 04, 2007 8:59 pm
Squireof the son Sleep took Liran quickly. Dreams followed quickly with it. As his mind concocts its next dream, it reverts to his memories. His mind betrayed him in his sleep, as usual. His mind put together the image of the church that was home to him. Dream became reality to Liran. His heart relaxed at the site of home, but he quickly noticed something wrong. He walked up to the church with his mind racing ahead of him. Quickly jumping to any logical reason it could think of. Death filled his nose as he approached the stone church. Please say my nose is betraying me. It can’t happen, who would do such a thing? He pushed slowly on the door, and wind with the stench of death rushed out. His heart jumped, and he woke. Liran shot straight up out of bed while gasping for breath. The stench of death was still in his mind, and the sight of all his friends corpses in the church. Reality took a minute to sink in.
Once it did and his heart slowed, Liran reverted to prayer, just like any other time he had the nightmare. Dear father. Why does this dream still haunt me. Please help me forgive, and may you bless them, I don not wish such pain inflicted upon another. May I stop any such thing from happening again. May I not anger someone to the point were they must revert to this kind of violonce, for it can destroy many minds, and souls.But in the end, may your will be done, not mine. In Jesus's blessed name I pray. Amen. He rested his head on the pillow as he thought of the ways he could've prevented it. He stared off out the window into the dark night sky where both his heavenly father and earthly father was. The sky comforted him in his troubled times for it brought to his mind heaven, and the answers to his many questions that took him. Why do such poeple exist? And why do they do that? I hope no one else endurs this. Sometimes I feel insanity is a step away sometimes. Father help me... Sleep took him once again to the world of dreams.... and nightmares.
The grammar seems to be all in order, which is awesome. Means you're past that point. What we really need to work on is you going back over your work and touching up creative points.
Now I know you heard this all before, but the only reason I have to repeat myself is to drive these points home. Once you demonstrate that you can do these things without being reminded, then I will stop saying them.
#1 Never start two sentences in a row with the same word. It's bad form, boring and sloppy.
#2 Watch the verbs and describing words you use. Don't over use them or again, your writing becomes stale and dry. In a word, boring. You seem to use the word death a lot when there are more ways to describe smells and feelings, such as "the stench of decaying flesh", instead of just simply death. Dreams can also be visions or any number of things. (Use the thesaurus!)
#3 Some sentences can be combined unless you specifically want the idea you are conveying through the sentence to stand out.
These don't seem like much, but they are all very important.
The good:
- Overall besides those points, your flow is well. You had a good chunk of content here, not too big or small. It was a nice read.
-Your starting and ending points for each paragraph are amazingly sewn up. I really love the notes they start and end on. You are very good at that.
-Your prompting response is very good too. You wanted to know what you could do while we all dinked around, I gave you direction, you did it. No fuss, no whining, just a decent post. This is very important. Direction from the GM won't always come, but when it does an rper needs to be open to such things in order to move the story along.
:3
-Color separation is good too in your text as a side note.
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Posted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 8:33 pm
Botsuraku "Gehhhhh, where in the three blazes is this blasted building!" This roar that cut through the night originated from a sprinting stocky character carrying a halberd. He wore a complete suit of iron armor with glowing red glyphs on it, shaped into skulls. The armor thinned around his slightly rounded stomach and increased to the size of cannonballs around his shoulders. He has an odd habit of detaching his shoulder ball armor, which is attached to a good length of chain, and using it as a ball to throw at... anything really. A long toothpick jutted out of his mouth... and through his faceplate. He arrived at a crossroads and stopped, skidding. "Ehhh... Ah crap!", he yelled, an odd accent to his and voice and toothpick waggling up and down. "I hate multiple paths. I choose the wrong one and I'll end up in the middle of nowhere." He slammed his halberd into the ground, burying the amber spiked pommel and flicked the obsidian shaft with an armored finger. "Eh? Oh what now idiot, you get lost... again?", a voice resonated from the weapon. "I suppose you want me to find your right path huh?" The short man spit his toothpick into the ground at his feet and removed his helmet, revealing his unkempt, light brown hair and severely scarred and burned face. His eyebrows were extremely long and jumped out the side of his head in almost a comical fashion. He was an ugly man though, a few steps away from vomit at first sight... and double-take. "The name's Gyujiten, get it right Boazel.", his voice was gravelly... definitely not one suited for singing. "If you would be so kind I have a place to be... Blasted warrior god." "Fine be rude.", the sealed god removed itself from the ground and pointed down the left path. "Don't give ANY kindness to lonely Boazel." Gyujiten snatched the black weapon out of midair. "No whining.", he reprimanded, hefting the halberd over his shoulder. He cackled evilly, his slitted red eyes glinting, before running down the path... To the Garden Shrine.
Looks like you have a good creative streak in you, decent spelling and grammar. Sooo, lets work on more creative things with you then, shall we?
It seems you're very methodical and predictable in how your sentence structure flows. This isn't bad, means you have a good base to start with. What I would like to see is you cutting sentences up and moving actions around, mainly so you don't start with the word "he" all the time. It's just bad flow and a bit boring. You don't want to be boring now, do you? This can be done by splitting off that "he" and changing your verb tense to a current and changing one by dropping the "ed" and adding "ing".
Example:Quote: He slammed his halberd into the ground, burying the amber spiked pommel and flicked the obsidian shaft with an armored finger. Quote: Slamming his halberd into the ground, he buried the amber spiked pommel and flicked the obsidian shaft with an armored finger.
Action 1, Action 2, and Action 3.
you want to place the character reference, in this case something such as "his", "he", or any other significant trait reference like his race (the human, the elf, the dwarf), class, height, whatever, with action to in order to get the most out of it and not beat to death the fact it is your character doing those actions.
Get my drift?
That goes the same for this next example:Quote: The short man spit his toothpick into the ground at his feet and removed his helmet, revealing his unkempt, light brown hair and severely scarred and burned face.
Better would have been:Quote: The short man spit his toothpick onto the ground near his feet as he removed his helmet, revealing unkempt, light brown hair and a severely scarred and burnt face.
I want to see one more post before giving you a ranking. If you learn quickly, you might not be here very long anyways.
:3
Questions? Comments? Bitchery? Voice it.
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Posted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 8:47 pm
Karisutee ::It was early evening and 10 year old Kuri was in the garden, selecting the best vegetables for her Mother to cook for dinner. "Come Kuri, the water is boiling" came her Mothers sweet voice. "Yes Mother, just a minute" Kuri called back, setting down the basket of vegetables and quickly running towards the stream to wash her hands before going to help cook dinner. Suddenly two strange men leaped out of the bushes lining the riverbank, each holding a large, knotted wooden club. A scream left the young girls mouth as she stood rooted to the spot, watching the swinging clubs come nearer. A resounding 'whump' echoed in Kuri's head as her vision slowly faded to black.::Kuri awoke with a start inside her little makeshift tent. "Not that dream again" she muttered to herself, splashing some water from her old and battered canteen onto her face and sighing, her thoughts drifting back to her childhood.::It had been almost 9 years since the day she had been kidnapped, and only 3 years since the day she had managed to escape the slavers. Of course she had immediately returned to her old village, but nothing remained, not even the big old oak tree where her playhouse used to nestle high in the branches, a hiding place for all her childish treasures.
As she stood staring at the barren earth all around her an old tale of her Grandmothers started seeping through her memories, a tale about the fabled Garden Shrine. Since then Kuri had become a wanderer, hoping one day to find the place of beauty her Grandmother had so often talked about.::She shook her head tiredly, pushing long auburn curls out of her eyes with one hand while pulling back the tent opening with the other and gazing up at the stars. "I wish I knew where I was" Kuri sighed wistfully, letting the fabric fall closed again with a soft swishing sound. She pulled her thin blanket back around her undernourished body as she lay down again, eyes fluttering closed, the sound of a soft breeze in the trees her lullaby.
Welcome to you as well. Again, sorry It's taken me so long to get to your post. I wasn't ignoring you or our other new guest (just the old students who won't go away D: see how they like them apples, I wonder if they'll even read this XD )
First of all, nice use of color to split things up. Good lord, it's like trying to pull teeth to teach some people that. Black text is nice and all, but color adds another dimension of personality to it. Well that and if you have multiple colors or identifiers such as italics, then it is much easier to tell when actions change to past, then change to speech and back. :3 So good on that.
Second, your writing is wonderful my dear. Very good. I was sad to see that I was done reading when I got to the bottom of your post. I must say, I am quite the lucky teacher to get you and Botsuraku. You two are very amusing and apt.
I would say that you need to watch how much you use "she" and when doing three actions sentences to place your character identifier in the second action to link the first and third.
Example:
Carrying a small woven basket, she swung it gently, walking on.
That's a very simple example, but I figure that you would get what I meant.
On the other hand with a four action sentence you should have to character identifiers or split the sentence up into two.
Quote: She shook her head tiredly, pushing long auburn curls out of her eyes with one hand while pulling back the tent opening with the other and gazing up at the stars. Quote: Shaking her head tiredly, she pushes her long auburn curls out of her eyes with one hand while pulling back the tent opening with the other as she gazes up at the stars.
The biggest concern I have for your writing is that perhaps you draw out your sentences too much and push the length limit. A good paragraph has a 30/40/30 mix of short, medium and long sentences. This keeps the paragraph from becoming stale and monotone.
Arrg it's late. I'm going to say with you as well, give me one more post and then I'll assign your ranking and we'll see how much work we need to do.
Any questions, feel free to post them with your next post or in the OOC thread. :3
Bitching and comments welcome also.
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Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 12:06 am
((Ahh, thank you so much. I have had some RP experience, but it has mainly all been with the same people so it is awesome to get a new perspective and decent feedback on what I write! I will try to work on those areas you have pointed out smile And may I ask, is it still the middle of the night? Because I think my next post needs to wait until daybreak...and if this is meant to go in OOC thread please let me know! thanks again smile ))
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Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 9:41 am
Karisutee ((Ahh, thank you so much. I have had some RP experience, but it has mainly all been with the same people so it is awesome to get a new perspective and decent feedback on what I write! I will try to work on those areas you have pointed out smile And may I ask, is it still the middle of the night? Because I think my next post needs to wait until daybreak...and if this is meant to go in OOC thread please let me know! thanks again smile ))
So if you want daylight, just wait for that point to pass.
As for this little chat, it should go in the OOC so we don't disrupt play. Thank you for inquiring about that.
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Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 7:08 am
Aeros Endeem Sitting up in his spot, he listens to the sounds of a nearby creek, though not visible, still can be heard. Ah! the sounds of the flowing creek, always relaxing... I wonder where it is? Stands up from the spot, he turns to the shrine and sees a shadow dashing across the walls of the abbey. Hmm, I see that someones getting some excersice before sleep... Maybe I should too... Walks towards the Abbey a bit then turns to the east, facing parallel to the wall. He starts jogging around the building, soon his jog becomes a full run. Follows the walls of the building at every turn. The agility of his physical condition wasn't at it's finest, so at every second of third turn, he'd slip a little. "Drack! I gotta work on my agility more..." He keeps running around the abbey, but he knows that he'll have to stop eventually. Right now though, he has enough energy to lap this building a few more times. After a couple hours of running, his heart is pounding on his chest, his breathing was heavy, instead of running, he was at almost like a slow walk. Panting like he just carried five tons of bricks, Aurak stops by the west wall. Sure dragons can sweat, but usually it's more perfusive than what a human would do, but he didn't much due to the cool air that kept about 95% of his sweat away. Looks back behind himself, KNOWING that the front door is at the other side to the abbey. Turning rear face, he didn't know if he had enough energy to get back. Continues to pant heavily from his exessive running I... I.... I don't know if I can make it back.... To the... Doors... He tries to get to the door by walking, it does not work as soon as he stepped foward, he crashes onto the ground from exaustion, flat on his chest. His wings sprawled out, his arms and legs positioned like he was climbing the ground, with one arm higher than the other and one leg higher than the other. His head placed flat on the ground, looking foward. He knew he pushed himself too far this time, but it seems that he does it alot. Aeros, his father, has always said; "Don't push yourself too far Aurak, You may be the prodigy, it does not give you the right to push yourself to the brink of exessive pain." Osana motell.... Note to self, Don't over work myself at night... His body felt sore all over, mostly feeling it in the legs of course, though he felt it all over his body. Aeros was right, pushing yourself too far is dangerous. Great! I'm gonna feel this one in the morning... No sooner than after that, his eyes start to lull a bit and then he fell asleep, right there, outside of the Abbey walls on the west side. The dew from the grass was an alright substance to use to fully cool him off, a little steam emits from his scales as he slept from the dew touching his warm body in the cool air.
D:
Trying to make me work, eh? Glad to see this much content from you several times in a row, means you've been practicing and keeping up even without me around. X3 Makes me proud.
Anyways, on with it.
You need to make sure, while you're using a progressive form of verb tense, not to get caught on using "verb +s" words to start out your sentences. Quote: Stands up from the spot, he turns to the shrine and sees a shadow dashing across the walls of the abbey. adding 'ing' to the verb Standing up from the spot, he turns to the shrine and sees a shadow dashing across the walls of the abbey. adding 'As + he' As he stands up from the spot, he turns to the shrine and sees a shadow dashing across the walls of the abbey. over haul of sentence He stands up from the spot and turning from the shrine sees a shadow dashing across the walls of the abbey.
While normally this would be over kill of reference to your character, sometimes you need to make things perfectly clear and with how you in particular write your paragraphs.
Well, well, well. Looks as if you've finally come along pretty damn good. The nice thing about letting the class sit for a while is also allowing you guys to go off into your own rps and practice what I've taught you. It looks like you've done this well.
:3
Good show.
+2 Rank
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Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 9:47 pm
::Resting her hand against the rough, mortar fused bricks, Aniur peers out from her makeshift hiding place in the shadow of the abbey's archway. Quietly she crouches, allowing her hand to slide down the wall as she surveys the courtyard before her. The moon illuminates the grounds with a soft, pale light intermittently as clouds passed overhead.
Perhaps it was some sort of memory of one of her earlier battles, called forth and replayed in the mind only for her to hear. It could be possible. That sort of thing was not unheard of, especial for one such as she, having seen her fair share of battles. Sometimes they came back to haunt the participants. She ponders this for a moment, still absent mindedly scanning the area before her, when something rustles in the far off bushes.
From the far left corner of the abbey, near one of its defensive walls, pops a disheveled looking stranger. With eyes strained open as wide as they could, so much she could see the whites from fifty or so yards and pink hair falling haphazardly around the person's shoulders, they stumble with little grace into the open.
Calmly, she watches, wondering what they are to do next. The humanoid was obviously disturbed in some great fashion. Their movements were unchecked and impulsive. She could also hear them mumbling incoherently as they jerked around.
All at once without warning, the person rushes towards her. Standing her ground, she stays steady until they are about half way across the court. At that point, she stands in one swift movement, dislodging her small shield from her back.
Thirty.
Twenty.
Ten feet.
Aniur holds the shield out about neck level of the creature she now was positive was male. He flinches, realizing what was happening, but not until it was too late. Running smack into the rounded edge of the small circular shield, the man bounces back painfully. While that might have not been enough to knock him out, hitting the ground was and he lie still in the dirt and loose straw.
Replacing her shield, she walks over to him. What she had mistaken as a man, was really a young man in his late teens. The boy looked well cared for. He was clean and in spotless clothing, besides what had been acquired in the past few minutes. For a moment, he almost looked angelic with his vibrant pink hair splayed out as a bit of moonlight hit him. That thought was banished as a large purple bruise started to form across his adam's apple.
What she really wanted to know is why the spell didn't tag him as it had all her other students. Either way, this was something to be dealt with come the light. With a deep sigh, she grabs the slim youth under the arms and drags him off to the stables where four sound walls and a locked door would await him once he woke.
Shaking her head, she decided that every ounce of sleep she got out of the night would be well earned.::
Okay, not my best work, but its done. You are all free to make morning posts now. Have at it! Corrections Tuesday. :3 Have an excellent weekend my kiddlets.
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 12:57 pm
Raoden woke as he always had, suddenly and with no percievable movement. He lay for a moment with his eyes closed as he listened to his surroundings, making sure all was quiet before he made himself vulnerable. Hearing nothing except deep, sleepy breathing he crawled slowly out from underneath the bed, eyeing the room uneasily. No one else was awake. Softly sighing in relief he tried to stand, but failed, muttering a quickly muffled grunt of pain. "Ah-!" apparantly sleeping on the floor was NOT good for backs.
Wincing, he quickly looked around to see if he had woken anyone. No one had moved. Nervously watching the room, he stretched his aching back and stood, grimacing, before tiptoeing out of the room and down the stairs.
When he reached the bottom he looked around, brow furrowing in thought. He couldn't remember any instructions for the morning...
He'd just help in the stables until more people woke up. Then he'd watch what they did. Maybe someone else knew what the students, or whatever they were called here, were supposed to do.
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:22 pm
You Will Never Be A Man
Taking in the cool morning air Neo looked to the east at the rising sun, to home. He watched as the sun rose, large and blood red. Frowning upon this he closed his eyes and shook his head. This was not a good sign. With a cold, hard voice he spoke, a voice that had seen many battles, and spoke too many words of death. "Blood will be spilled this day, that it will." His eyes filled with the fire of the sun as the gray sky above him lightened to it's normal blue, but things were not as they would seem, not for him. Long ago he had fought on a morning such as this, killed on this morning.
It was a time of war, a time when he had served others. He was an assassin, a trained killer. When he walked the streets of Edo and Kyoto he was not know as Neo, no, he was known as the Hitokiri Battousai, the legendary man slayer. One morning, his master contacted him, hired him to kill a man. This was common back then, every one wanted him, needed him, so that they could become the shogun. None could kill him, many tried. This was not his first killing, nor his last, but it was one that would scar him for life.
"Where the hell is he?" Neo said as he walked through the snow covered forest. He had been told his target lived in this region, in this very forest. Up ahead he saw a trail, the trail to his destiny. A man stepped from the cabin, Neo's target. Charging the Battousai drew his katana, but the man was stronger, and faster, if only just. He blocked the slash and punched Neo in the face. They fought on for hours, far longer than most of Neo's previous battles, which laster mere seconds.
Finally, as the last blow was to be struck a figure appeared between them, a woman. She was angelic, her robe the purest white, her obi a brilliant pink. Her long aurburn hiar shone in the afternoon light. It was this that caught Neo's attention. Trying to stop his deathblow Neo cut into them both. He had vowed not to kill any one other than his target, and he had failed. As she fell forward, blood staining both her kimono and his, Neo dropped his katana into the snow.
Dropping to his knees he pulls a tanto from his kimono, the blade cold and sharp. He placed it against his cheek, the blade cutting into the flesh and muscle. Moving his hand across his facade he creates a horizontal line of blood, the cross shaped scar he now wore was complete.
Neo stood in the courtyard of the shrine, his head lowered in remembrance, and reverence. He spoke, his voice low, still cold and hard as before. "Never again."
Unless You Are A Gentleman
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Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 1:40 am
Jinx stood in front of a practice dummy holding her paintbrush. She was wearing a dark gray halter jumpsuit that had paint stains all over it with a pair of black boots. Her dark brown hair was in braids that went back halfway before coming to a slightly larger, horizontal braid that looped around from the bottom, leaving the rest of the hair loose and hanging down to her neck. It had been less then two hours since she first entered the Garden Shrine and she was already misbehaving. The once blank dummies now had faces and clothing painted on them, she had given each dummy its own unique look, the one across from her resembled the woman she had met earlier. Jeez, painting all these dummies took longer then I expected. Now where was I going before I got distracted? She was interrupted by the sound of her stomach growling. Now I remember. She put her paintbrush in a black pouch attached to the left side of a belt around her waist that she kept all her paint bottles in and picked up a large book she had set on the ground before she walked towards the Abbey. She pushed open one of the wooden doors and ran off in the direction of the kitchen.
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Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 4:33 pm
As the sun rose Liran followed quickly. Good, I can still feel his presence. So no need to panic, yet. Liran looked around at all the people sleeping around him. The door caught his attention, because it’s open. He quickly and quietly took off out the door, and down the steps. The sun greeted him with it’s heat as he opened the door, and a smile appeared on Liran's face in return. I wonder if their church is the same as the one from when I was a kid? Should be about the same location. Liran looked around and quickly found the building with stained glass windows that depicted stories from the past. The teenage kid quickly approached the building with only the sound of footsteps on stone.
He quickly stopped and pushed open the crafted doors, and peered into an empty church. Confusion replaced his smile quickly. Where is everyone? I didn’t think I was the only one here. Or am I the first one here? Who cares. Nothing can stop me, not even death. Liran quickly approached the altar, and got on his knees, bowed his head, and quietly began to pray for the world, and everyone. He also prayed for forgiveness, and the ability to forgive, and prayed for deliverance.
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Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 7:31 pm
'This is my last lap.', Deugaro confirmed as the morning sun peeked over the horizon. Last night he had noticed the Dragon-kin attempting his exercise, the Phoenican's lips twitched upwards in the barest of smiles. When he had made his twenty-third and a half lap, Deugaro saw the collapsed form of Aurak. It was none of his concern and there were no threats inside the abbey so the assassin had kept running, leaving the large reptile drooling in the dirt.
Deugaro's reminiscing was abruptly cut short as his foot fell into a depression in the wall. The dark man failed to recover and landed hard on the stone surface, accompanied by the sharp sound of something breaking.
He attempted to use his legs to twist back up, but awkwardly failed by falling against a jutting corner. There was intense pain coming from his lower left leg, so he pushed himself into a sitting position to examine it.
"I have broken my tibia and fibula... this will be incredibly painful.", the Phoenican grumbled in a low voice, while running his hand over the affected area, before he setting the bone as straight as he possibly could. "Dakooooon."
Black threads began to adhere to his shins on the outside, while his power attempted to solve the puzzle that was a broken leg.
There was a horrendous rapid cracking and grinding as dakoon discovered the best solution to a problem. It converted muscle tissue into highly concentrated calcium which was then fed to the tibia and fibula, creating a form of bone paste that glued them back into the appropriate places.
D' attempted to walk on his strangely patched leg after testing to see if it could hold his weight. There was a small twinge of pain, but nothing he couldn't deal with.
'Hmm, my body seems weaker than usual... the last time I ate food was... four days ago?', the assassin pondered. 'I wonder if the lady paladin would mind my theft of her bread?'
Deugaro snatched up his cloak and wrapped the red matterial around his neck, securing it with the inside buckle. If he had one pet peeve it was people asking him about the scar on his neck.
He began taking slow steps towards the kitchens, after pulling on his heavy boots, taking little note of the man that used knives.
A white butterfly settled itself on his headband.
"Why me?", he mumbled, the dew-slicked morning grass slick under his feet.
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Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 11:38 pm
As the morning sun shines upon his back, warming it, Aurak awoke and positions himself sitting up on the ground. some blades of grass were placed on his underbelley, though he did not notice it yet since he just awoke. "Oi, Shatel sintal dosono?" He rubs the back of his neck, as the sun was warming his back still. Looks down, he sees an imprint in the grass of himself. Well, this answers one question, but raises so many others... Standing up in his spot, he wobbles a little, still feeling the burn a little from the running he had done last night. "Oi, I knew I'd feel it now, though this isn't as bad as I thought it would have been..." He slowly starts to move foward, then realizes which way he was going. "Hang on, the door is..." turns rear face so that the sun is now in his eyes. "Gahh! Bright light!" Chuckles to himself a bit about the comment he just did, he moves foward, towards the front doors of the abbey, as he wipes off the blades of grass that was stuck on him. "Well, I have to say, that was fun last night..." The dew from the grass moisened his feet as he got onto the stone path. he turns to the big wooden doors of the Abbey, he moves foward, leaving behind wet footprints in the stone path. Making his way inside, he roams throughout the abbey, looking at the ancient artifacts along the walls. "Now, where are we supposed to go this morning?"
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Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2007 9:04 am
Omirao Raoden woke as he always had, suddenly and with no percievable movement. He lay for a moment with his eyes closed as he listened to his surroundings, making sure all was quiet before he made himself vulnerable. Hearing nothing except deep, sleepy breathing he crawled slowly out from underneath the bed, eyeing the room uneasily. No one else was awake. Softly sighing in relief he tried to stand, but failed, muttering a quickly muffled grunt of pain. "Ah-!" apparantly sleeping on the floor was NOT good for backs.
Wincing, he quickly looked around to see if he had woken anyone. No one had moved. Nervously watching the room, he stretched his aching back and stood, grimacing, before tiptoeing out of the room and down the stairs.
When he reached the bottom he looked around, brow furrowing in thought. He couldn't remember any instructions for the morning...
He'd just help in the stables until more people woke up. Then he'd watch what they did. Maybe someone else knew what the students, or whatever they were called here, were supposed to do.
This my dear, was wonderful. Simply wonderful. :3 I have no corrections for you this time. Looks like you've reached the level you are solidly into the advanced stage. If you continue to post like this, you will be graduated.
Well, there was a missed comma, but its was quite minor. :3 So proud of you. Looks like that outside rping has been helping you greatly.
+1 rank, pushed to advanced
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Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 6:08 pm
Gyujiten had had enough. He waited patiently and quietly until morning for these shrine people to wake up. Now he was agitated, and knew just how to blow it off.
The short brunette began banging Boazel against the wall loudly and rapidly, creating an uproar of clanging metal.
Gyujiten also added his "Singing talents" to the cacophony of noise.
"I once met a woman more be'ut'ful that gold, the body of a willow with nary a fold, I chose to try and be lucky and bold... AND WHAT A MISTAKE IT WAS!", he roared in such a horrible tune that the being trapped inside his halberd wished it could teleport still.
Gyujiten forgot the rest of the song so he made up his own lyrics. "She was bossy and rude, with nary an ounce of good in her soul, unloaded a cart of chores on me shoulders and bellowed at me still! I di' fin'ly 'ave enough an old fart walked to me an' did laugh. 'Little man', he chided. 'That be a male!'... SO I IMPALED THEM BOTH ON A WALL! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Still no one came to the gate.
"Aw, come on you dirty blaggards! Le'mme in!", he yelled again, his toothpick falling to the ground. "Ah BLAZES!"
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